In absolutely terrifying news, Paris Hilton‘s stalker James Rainford was arrested—on the beach, and shirtless—Monday afternoon. Another beachgoer noticed Rainford spying into the window of Hilton’s Malibu beach house and immediately phoned the authorities.

Rainford was arrested for violating “a valid restraining order prohibiting him from being within 200 yards of Miss Hilton or her residence,” according to the L.A. County Sheriff’s Department.

That court order went into effect in January; in April, Rainford assaulted Hilton’s then-boyfriend Cy Waits. Rainford was immediately arrested at the scene, all the while insisting that Paris Hilton’s father had “given him permission to marry her,” TMZ reported. He was sentenced to 227 days in jail for misdemeanor battery, but he was released early. Obviously.

Rainford is being held on $20,000 bail which, honestly, is not enough money. There isn’t enough money. This guy is scary.

Look, Paris has sunk her talons into another dude somehow. An apparent US resident, who, unless he’s deaf, blind, and dumb, probably knows of her history in this country and all of the male destruction she’s left behind her in a slimy trail of herpe discharge.

And the guy is no nobody, either – if you don’t recognize him (and let’s be real, I didn’t), it’s Todd Phillips, who was the director of The Hangover. And actually? This is a step UP from her last boyfriend, Cy Waits, who was some kind of weird casino kingpin straight out of Back to the Future Part II.

According to People:

New couple alert? Paris Hilton may have recently called things off with beau Cy Waits – and the heiress has been getting cozy with the Hangover director Todd Phillips. The two headed to Beacher’s Madhouse, the vaudeville show inside the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel, where they met up with Nicky Hilton and sat at a secluded table toward the back of the club. But the duo wasn’t hiding their affection: they shared kisses and kept their eyes locked on each other despite the setting. Earlier, the two started their night at the Chateau Marmont, where they enjoyed wine on the patio with friends.

Ew, man. I know that sounds juvenile and stuff, but that’s honestly the gut reaction that Paris Hilton evokes in me. Effing EW.

Judging by the look of the photo, too, the pair is holding hands. Or, I don’t know, maybe Paris is helping him shift. She strikes me as that stupid, baby-talking cornball that says, “Ooh, me likie the power of this car; can I stroke my hand up and down the gearshift and feel the rumble of it underneath my fingers?” Ugh. CRUSTY.

This happened a few days ago, but this little clip is just now starting to make the rounds, and I couldn’t keep it from you. How could I? Barbara Walters and Whoopi Goldberg going after poor little defenseless Paris Hilton is too good to pass up.

I love how Paris doesn’t seem like a real person. From her words to her appearance, she just seems like a really advanced robot. Remember that time that she didn’t understand the true meaning of Christmas or that time that she adopted 20 bunnies or those times that she didn’t understand how the law works? It’s all just been problems with her programming.  So really, just like Paris has always told us, it’s not her fault.

In an interview with Piers Morgan, who really stuck it to Paris in a manner of speaking, Paris reveals that one of her life-long regrets is being featured in a sex tape.

I don’t think Paris Hilton regrets her sex tape. I actually don’t think she regrets it at all. I think, if it weren’t for the sex tape, that she’d be just another vapid bitch that came from money that had marginal looks and no talent other than whining to Mommy and Daddy.

She sits there and smugly talks about how her ex-boyfriend ruined her reputation, HER LIFE, and allows her just-as-fake Ma to sit there and shed alligator tears over the one thing that gave the Hilton family publicity that ended up paying off. (Aside from that whole hotel thing.)

And that’s one of the worst things about Paris Hilton: that she’s so bad at hiding who she really is, which is a fame-whoring, indifferent, racist asshole who couldn’t be bothered with anything that doesn’t concern her money or her looks directly. Anyone who can be that bad at faking a respectable existence isn’t stupid, and they aren’t sad – they’re just a lazy waste of space that keeps up the appearance for as long as they need to, at a minimal level, so that the money keeps coming in. And that’s one of the worst things of all.

“Worst driver ever. Almost hit me, then ran a stop sign. What if there was a kid around the corner, you dumb bitch. … blonde piece of shit. [She] should apologize to humanity. [She's just a] horrible excuse for a human being. I wouldn’t be as pissed if I weren’t a mom. What an irresponsible person. What a lame existence.”

Fairly Legal‘s Sarah Shahi, calling out Paris Hilton via Twitter for being the world’s biggest douchebag driver. According to Shahi, Hilton cut her off in traffic, and then later ran a stop sign.

Sarah, I’d be pissed too, girl.

Paris’s rep had no comment about Sarah’s Twitter tirade, but I’m willing to bet that Paris probably saw it in real time. She strikes me as the text-while-you’re-driving type of a-hole that I just want to RAM out on the streets, too.

You guys seemed to enjoy the last time we played “Marry, Kill, Fuck,” so I decided it’s high time for round two.  This time, the theme is “Evil Beet Sweethearts.”  You know, there are a few certain ladies that we especially love around here, and those are the ladies I want to focus on.  Like if we were putting together an Evil Beet calendar, you’d definitely expect to see that hot ass picture above for August of whatever, wouldn’t you?  Yeah, you keep that sexy image in mind while you check out your choices.

1. Lindsay Lohan.  Come on, you know you’d have a kick ass time with this girl.  She’d probably even get you some sweet jewelry – just don’t get all nosy about where she got it.  And on a purely superficial level, Lindsay’s very attractive, save the lip injections and meth.

2. Paris Hilton.  Now, I know what you’re thinking: we’ve presented the theory that Paris’ vagina is radioactive, why would we ask you if you want to have relations with her? Maybe because she’s a sexy minx with a heart of gold. You could pose for sexy Christmas cards together and she could serenade you with her beautiful voice whenever you wanted.  Just watch out for that pesky cocaine problem.

3. Britney Spears.  Pros: Britney’s been marginally less crazy lately, and if you were with her you might get a threesome with Ke$ha!  Cons:  you’d probably have to pretend like her new music doesn’t suck, and that would put a strain on any relationship.

There you have it.  Let me know your choices in the comments!