Do you ever wonder exactly how people like Kim Kardashian or Paris Hilton get so incredibly, unbelievably rich with no discernible talent? Or even just any old celebrity, like, say, Beyonce, who, along with husband Jay-Z brought in $72 million this past year alone: yes, they work hard and they’re talented, but how do they get that ungodly amount of money? Sure, there are some cases where these stars come from rich families, but some people are just inexplicably wealthy. Did you ever wonder about how?

If you’re a little curious, check out this little breakdown to see where a lot of this money comes from:

1. On average celebrities make $33,000 per pound just for losing weight on an endorsement deal.
2. $10,000 per Tweet
3. 50% of all proceeds from staged paparazzi photos
4. $10,000 “secret” endorsement checks to wear certain items of clothing.
5. $100,000 for baby photos (except for the very high end babies which can command $1 million)
6. $25,000 for a club appearance
7. All expense paid trips for them and their entire family to show up and say they support a charity

I can’t.  It’s too early, I’m too broke, I can’t. $10,000 to wear free clothes? $33,000 per lost pound? $10,000 per Tweet? Goddamn. I don’t know whether to try to figure out where I went wrong that I’m not making thousands of dollars for going to a club or to try to figure out where our society went wrong. I think I’m going to settle for somewhere in the middle, and of course by “somewhere in the middle,” I mean “stay in my pajamas all day, watch The Notebook and Beaches over and over, and weep.”

Is it too soon for that headline? Should we wait, I don’t know, another few weeks before we drag that one out? Either way, I’d say it’s safe to say that Parasite’s career is pretty much done, right? She’s going to have whatever money she’s already got for probably the rest of her life, but there’s not enough money in the world to resurrect the “career” she claimed to have (hear that, Kim Kardashian? Do you hear that?), and she knows it.

So what does she do? Pose provocatively whilst on vacation in hopes that some newspaper or celebrity gossip site – not so unlike this here celebrity gossip site – would pick up the photos and run with them, saying “Ooh, my, Paris is looking so great these days, and she’s toned down all that crazy, and [fill in the blank with other Paris-desired accolades about growing up],” but I can tell you (and Paris) that it’s not going to be found here.

She’s still the same old shapeless, vapid, wonky-faced twit she was back when she was more popular-ish, hanging out with people like Britney and Lindsay, making tacky sex tapes in night vision, and being a racist, classist ho.

Nothing’s changed, really, other than she’s even more pathetic than she used to be because she thinks we’ve forgotten who she is inside.

Go dry up somewhere, Paris.

Yesterday Paris Hilton tweeted this photo of herself dressed as a ghost. (At least, I hope that’s a ghost costume.)

Anyway. Miss Hilton put on a sheet and played the theremin—which, if the 1950s taught us anything, is the exact sound a ghost would make—at Friday’s Deadmau5 concert in Vegas.

Man. You can put lipstick on a ghost, but underneath, it’s still just Paris Hilton.

What, am I’m saying that any time a celebrity dons a wig of unnatural hair color that it’s automatically akin to Britney’s pink bewigged meltdown? Well, yeah.

I know most of you’d automatically think of Katy Perry when you see the blue wig, but not this girl. I come from the old school of Britney Spears rules and Katy Perry drools. Besides. Who’s gonna remember Katy Perry in four decades, anyway? Yeah, Michael Jackson fans, and nerds worldwide, but come on. There’s really no comparison when you get down to thinking about it.

Can I tell you guys something that’s just going to blow your mind? Lindsay Lohan
and Paris Hilton have a total of seven mugshots between the two of them. Isn’t that just unfathomable?

I had a whole slew of presumably witty things to say about this entire ordeal, but the fact of seven mugshots between two of the trashiest women in Hollywood – hanging out together! Embracing! Merrily consuming libations! – has got me so thrown that I don’t even know what to say. The combined powers of Lindsay and Paris has rendered me speechless, probably for the first time in my life.

“In my next relationship I expect honesty, strong values, true communication, commitment, mutual trust and respect, something I didn’t necessarily have recently. At the end of the day, I want my partner and I to have the same ethics. Partying is not my thing. I live a healthy lifestyle. I avoid drugs. I have a social cocktail every now and then. I don’t want to speak for Paris, but this breakup is something I knew for a number of months needed to happen – and we finally saw eye to eye.”

Cy Waits, Paris Hilton‘s most recent ex-boyfriend, speaks out about his breakup and what he wants in his next relationship, which he obviously wasn’t getting in the one with Paris. I’d almost admire the guy if it weren’t for the fact that he dipped his pen into this grotsky biotch‘s inkwell to begin with.

Final confirmation: Practically everyone hates Paris Hilton.

See? There are happy endings sometimes.