You guys, Paris Hilton’s Twitter is like the funniest thing in the world right now. It is 95% product placement and 5% fawning over Doug Reinhardt. I don’t know which I find more disturbing. But all that girl does on her Twitter is plug nightclubs and restaurants and websites, and she doesn’t even have the Lohan-style decency to occasionally go on drunken rants. One of her favorite websites to plug right now is her own, the re-launched ParisHilton.com, which features a strikingly underutilized Community section composed primarily of Paris’s own posts and phenomenally creepy fan art. And this photo of her and Nicky in a bathtub, which Paris herself posted:

I think the only Twitter I hate more right now is The Situation’s, which is, like, written by a magical computer permanently set on “douchebag.” I’ve never seen anything quite as upsetting.

Paris and Doug were out and about in Vegas this weekend, club-hopping for cash. She’s put on weight in the past six months, which I think might be a good thing. I think it’s possible that Paris Hilton is actually experiencing some internal peace and happiness, and, if so, good for her. Just cut it out with the pay-per-tweet, dude.

Damn. Tila Tequila is on a tear. I am addicted to her Twitter the way that she’s addicted to whatever it is that makes her so watchable. I know, I know. She’s an attention whore, I shouldn’t be talking about her, but I really doubt we’re going to have much time left with the girl. Let’s pay attention to her while we still can. You know, while she’s still alive.

Last night on Twitter (feed via ONTD) Tila shed light on many Hollywood mysteries. According to her, Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian made bank off their sex tapes on purpose, some dudes in Hollywood that we would not think are gay are gay and Miley ain’t no virgin. Do you think she has any information about wether or not Michael Jackson had inappropriate relationships with children or if Andy Dick has a drinking problem? I figure while she’s breaking all the big stories, she might as well throw some real hardballs.

At what point are these public attacks going to become a problem? This month Tila’s already gone after Rihanna, Nicky Hilton, Bijou Phillips and everyone at CNN, to name a few. Is it possible that her constant harassment and shit talking could lead to a greater problem for her? Unfortunately it’s hard to press charges against someone for not shutting up, but her Twitter is practically libelous.

Most people don’t seem to know who Casey Johnson, the Johnson&Johnson heiress who passed away yesterday, but Paris and Nicky Hilton sure did. The fellow heiresses were family friends with Casey and according to Paris’ Twitter eulogy, this is not easy news for them to hear. While Paris Tweeted her condolences, Nicky Hilton, her mom Kathy and her boyfriend David Katzenberg went to the Johnson home last night to offer their support.

No one seems to be taking the news as hard as Casey’s future wife, Tila Tequila. In fact, she’s so upset that she just can’t stop Tweeting about it. Here are some of her Twitter posts from last night:

I know u can feel me Casey! Dot let go! I’m almost home baby please hang on! We have a beautiful life planned out for us! I LOVE u! Hang on!

I’m still in shock! Once again thank U for the outpour of love and support. I just wish to have some privacy at this heartbreaking time.

R.I.P my Angel. @caseyjonsonJnJ u will forever be in my heart! I love u so so much and we will Marry when I see U in Heaven my Wifey

I can’t stop these haunting visions of her and I. We made such a lovely couple, only beginning to spend the rest of our lives together…

It’s nice that she took a night off from the computer and whatever the hell she’s on to just grieve, right?

As for the cause of death, we’re still waiting and it looks like we’re going to be waiting for awhile. Because of the high-profile nature of her case, Casey’s autopsy results have been sealed and won’t be released until about a month from now. There’s a chance that the family may make an announcement before then and we will definitely hear rumors, but nothing official should be released for awhile.

The common COD is widely believed to be drug use, but it may also be diabetes related. Wow, that sounds awfully familiar.

The photo agency swears this is Christina Aguilera hosting at Tao on New Year’s Eve, but if it weren’t for the pics of her sitting next to Jordan Bratman, I’d send them an email to let them know it’s actually Paris Hilton.

KILLER shoes, though.

Just like the rest of us, when it comes time to celebrate the holidays, all Paris Hilton wants to do is find a cheap-looking Slutty Santa costume to prance around in. Last night she launched her new fragrance, Siren, at the Glendale Galleria (if only I could possibly explain to people outside of LA how funny that mall is without sounding racist/classist/ignorant. It’s impossible. Trust me, I’ve sat here for twenty minutes trying to piece together the words and I don’t know if it can be done) and she was showing her holiday spirit full-on. Is it just me or is a woman in her mid-to-late 20s posing for the camera with her mouth open in a Sexy Santa costume just about the last thing you thing you find attractive?

Paris Hilton hosted a Halloween party last night at her home in Mulholland Estates. Both she AND boyfriend Doug Reinhardt dressed up as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, which I don’t get. Wouldn’t a Dorothy/Scarecrow, Dorothy/Toto, Dorothy/Tin Man combo have been better than two Dorothys? Or, if you’re trying to be creative, Dorothy/Toto (the band)? I think Reinhardt just wanted to finally wear those size 16 satin pink pumps of his out in public and used this as an excuse. (See more pics in the gallery.)

The party hit the skids when traffic backed up so badly that none of her guests could get into her driveway. That’s not a sexual euphemism. (Since we’re talking about Paris, I thought I should clarify.)