Listen, burglary isn’t funny by any stretch of the imagination and no one deserves to have their privacy violated, celebrity or otherwise. That being said, I can’t lie: it definitely made me laugh when I read that Paris Hilton cried watching Bling Ring, Sofia Coppola’s movie about the real-life celebrity burglaries of ’08-’09. She was even in the movie and allowed scenes to be filmed in her house, but she still found it pretty upsetting.

From Vulture:

“I was really emotional watching it,” Hilton confessed to me last night at the movie’s hot-ticket Nikki Beach after-party. “During some parts of it, I literally had tears in my eyes and I wanted to cry. I knew what happened with the burglaries, but I had never actually seen it — so watching it happen, I was like, ‘Oh my God, this really happened to me. These kids were really in my house and did this to me.’ It’s so violating. It just made me really angry and upset, and when I see these kids, I want to, like, slap them.”

Oh man, that’s kinda tough and I guess I feel for her a bit. But wait, there’s an up side. She got to show off her mansion!!!!

“I designed everything in the house, so it was really cool to see it on film,” she said. It shows: Hilton’s house is a tribute to Hilton herself, and as the celebrity-obsessed Bling Ringers raid her walk-in shoe closet and party in her “nightclub room,” Hilton’s limpid face stares back at them, emblazoned on all the pillows, artwork, and walls. “That house is like my dream house,” she told me. “I worked so hard on every detail.”

Aaaaaand my levels of sympathy have gone down again.

Hey guys, remember Paris Hilton? While she generally likes assaulting the public’s senses on a daily basis, she’s been keeping a low profile and staying loved up with Spanish model boyfriend River Viiperi, who she apparently proposed to a couple of months ago. Anyway, while many might remember her for her boring but explicit sex tape from years ago, she’s since changed her approach to dating, I guess, and really just likes kissing 21-year-old River.

From Life & Style:

“We just love to sit in the corner and make out and dance,” Paris told Life & Style at Harrah’s Resort in Atlantic City, where she hosted The Pool After Dark’s six-year anniversary party on Saturday. “When I’m in the club with him, it’s like no one else in the room exists — it’s just us two with each other! It’s romantic.”

Paris wasn’t kidding. Just moments after speaking with us, the couple embraced in a steamy kiss on the dance floor. The duo were later spotted cuddling in a cabana at the club, while River snapped photos of Paris as she seductively posed for her man.

So what’s the secret to keeping the passion alive despite an 11 year age difference? “We have fun wherever we go,” Paris said. “We go out together. We love the same music.”

Well that’s… great for them? How is this even a story that’s reported on? Why am I reporting it, even? Whatever, it’s a really slow Friday, if you couldn’t tell.

Another day, another celebrity hacking. This time it’s not tits and ass we’re getting a peek at, but rather private financial information of some of Hollywood’s biggest stars (and a few politicians, too). Surprise: they’re all rich! Filthy rich!

From TMZ:

Twelve big celebs and political figures, including Jay-Z, Beyonce, are the victims of a hacker who has posted detailed information about what appears to be their finances … and we’ve learned law enforcement is on the case.

A website — we’re not disclosing the name — has posted social security numbers, mortgage amounts, credit card info, car loans, banking and other info of major celebs.  In addition to Beyonce and Jay-Z … the site has snagged financial dossiers of Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, Mel Gibson, Ashton Kutcher, Joe Biden, Robert Mueller, Hillary Clinton, Eric Holder and LAPD Chief Charlie Beck.

The site was not able to get a lot on Joe Biden or Hillary Clinton, but most of the others on the list have had their financial info compromised.

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ … the LAPD has already launched an investigation.  We’re told the FBI is looking into it.

Damn. Donald Trump and Britney Spears were also added to this list soon after the initial report emerged. Basically nothing is private anymore, not even the financial information of big stars who can, presumably, pay or extra security measures to keep this info from getting out. It’s unclear what anyone would be able to do with this info since presumably, if you tried to steal money from these people, you’d have a damn hard time getting away with it, but maybe I’m just not up on the latest criminal approaches. Not really my scene.

I’m sure we’ll see some more celebs added to this list in the coming weeks. How much do you want to bet that since this is involving famous people, the perps will be caught and in jail by week’s end? Everyone knows Hollywood personalities are important than real crimes affecting regular people.

Paris Hilton used to be a great annoyance to humanity and then mericifully, she was gone. But thanks for the memories. However I’m writing about her now because she did something most women don’t do: she was the one who proposed in her relationship. That’s an unusual thing to do, at least here in the USA. It takes a lot of bravery for a woman to do that, and a really chill dude not to feel emasculated by that. So, okay, good job there taking control and not being afraid, Paris. Sure, they’ve only known each other a few months. And sure, he’s a decade younger. But in NO WAY would she EVER do something like this for publicity. She has WAY TOO MUCH integrity for that. It’s not like she’s doing this because all of her friends have busy lives and careers and families of their own and she feels sad and needs attention. She WOULD NEVER marry someone just because she didn’t want to be left out.

The dude in question is Spanish model River Viiperi. GOOD NEWS THOUGH: although he’s young, he’s old enough to drink (in America)! Barely (He’s 21.)

According to someone probably SUPER NEAR AND DEAR to Paris and NOT her assitant,

He’s given her an enthusiastic yes [to her proposal], but they’re keeping the engagement quiet for now. Paris can see he’s a good influence. He’s very easygoing and knows how to calm her down when something annoys her. [...] Paris believes River is the one.

The one what?

Via Showbizspy.

Does it pain you to have to read that headline? Because it pained me to have to write it, ugh.

Seriously though, is this why Lil Wayne had all those strokes or whatever last month? Was it this Paris tie? Because I’d really believe it if someone told me that was the reason.

Last, this is probably the worst f-cking song I’ve ever heard in life, and I heard ‘It’s Thanksgiving‘ this week for the first time, guys. Do the math.

Ok, the story is a little more complicated than that. See, Paris Hilton is dating this new douchebag (surprise!) named River Viiperi. He’s 21 years old, and he’s a male model. She’s dating a 21-year-old model named River. Is that painting a good picture for you? All right, so Paris took River out to this Vegas club, and they got absolutely wasted. That part isn’t in the official story, but I think it’s pretty easy to assume that Paris and River partook in some alcoholic beverages.

So they get drunk, and Paris starts making out with some girl, because of course she does. That’s what all the cool straight girls do to get attention and drinks in clubs. Right, so she’s making out with the girl, and poor River has to see his true love, Paris, sucking on someone else’s face. And how does he react? The only way a distraught, drunk young man can react: he punches Paris’ new lady friend’s boyfriend in the face. LOGIC IS AWESOME.

The boyfriend wanted to press charges, and River was arrested for misdemeanor battery, but I guess the cops who responded were like “ugh, this shit again,” because he was never even taken to the police station. They’re still investigating it though, because apparently there’s more stuff to investigate, but Paris’ rep refused to comment on the whole thing.

Oh, and if you need a LOL, here’s a photo of River:

Spread the LOLs, friend. So important.

“That whole AIDS thing,” for those of us experiencing minor memory loss, refers to that thing that Paris Hilton was recorded saying about gay men. Specifically, this:

“Gay guys are the horniest people in the world. They’re disgusting. Dude, most of them probably have AIDS.  I would be so scared if I were a gay guy. You’ll like, die of AIDS.”

The recording of Paris’ conversation was released yesterday, and a few hours later, her rep released a statement explaining that we all just took it the wrong way because we don’t understand the complex way in which Paris Hilton’s mind works or her superior communication skills. But, obviously, no one really bought that, and so Paris had to go and make her very own statement that was published on the GLAAD site:

As anyone close to me knows, I always have been and always will be a huge supporter of the gay community. I am so sorry and so upset that I caused pain to my gay friends, fans and their families with the comments heard this morning. I was having this private conversation with a friend of mine who is gay and our conversation was in no way towards the entire gay community. It is the last thing that I would ever want to do and I cannot put into words how much I wish I could take back every word.

HIV/AIDS can hurt anyone, gay and straight, men and women. It’s something I take very seriously and should not have been thrown around in conversation.

Gay people are the strongest and most inspiring people I know. It is so wrong when people bully or put down others for being gay. No one should have to go through that. Again, I am so sorry from the bottom of my heart and I feel absolutely horrible. I hope that everyone can accept my apology and know that it is not who I am or how I feel in any way.

Thank you for taking a minute to read this, I love you.

Love you too, betch!

Except no. I’m not saying that I’ve never said anything stupid or hurtful to anyone before, but I’m pretty sure I’ve never said anything so derogatory about an entire group of people because, you know, that’s kind of an asshole thing to do. I could even harp on how I don’t really like how Paris said that “gay people are the strongest and most inspiring people I know,” because again, that’s generalizing a whole group of people – gay people can be wonderful and strong and inspiring, and they can be total assholes, and they can be smart and dumb and creative and dull and promiscuous and prudish and every other descriptor in the world, because they’re people, too – but I don’t want to be That Girl. Except I guess I just kind of was.

Basically, Paris Hilton has a dumb mouth, and I really wish people wouldn’t record it and then put it on the internet so that I can avoid hearing it.

It’s not that I think any of you have actually been worried about this, it’s just that we don’t hear all that much about Paris Hilton these days, and I don’t want you to think that it’s because she’s gotten older and wiser or anything like that. Nope, she’s still a total jackass, it’s just that no one cares enough to document every example of it anymore.

But this time is different. This time, Paris Hilton said something really dumb and offensive, and there’s a recording of it. To set the scene, this conversation took place while Paris was riding in a cab with a friend. Her friend, a gay dude, was telling her all about Grindr. Here’s his explanation:

“Say I log into Grindr, someone that’s on Grindr can be in that building and it tells you all the locations of where they are and you can be like, ‘Yo, you wanna f-ck?’ and he might be on like, the sixth floor.”

And Paris’ response:

“Ewww. Eww. To get f-cked? Gay guys are the horniest people in the world. They’re disgusting. Dude, most of them probably have AIDS.  I would be so scared if I were a gay guy. You’ll like, die of AIDS.”

Oh, for sure. Statistically speaking, about 98% of all gay men die from AIDS. The other 2% die from like accidents and other illnesses and stuff, but they all had AIDS too. It’s because every single gay man who ever existed has sex at least three times a day, and never with the same person, and never with a condom. Except none of that is even remotely true, and Paris Hilton can just go suck an egg for being a moronic c-nt. GOD.

And just so we can continue the moronic c-nt parade, here a statement Paris’ rep just released:

“Paris Hilton’s comments were to express that it is dangerous for anyone to have unprotected sex that could lead to a life threatening disease. The conversation became heated, after a close gay friend told her in a cab ride, a story about a gay man who has AIDS and is knowingly having unprotected sex. He also discussed a website that encourages random sex by gay men with strangers. As she was being shown the website her comments were in reference to those people promoting themselves on the site. The cab driver who recorded this, only provided a portion of the conversation. It was not her intent to make any derogatory comments about all gays. Paris Hilton is a huge supporter of the gay community and would never purposefully make any negative statements about anyone’s sexual orientation.”

Yes, there are some people who have AIDS and still have unprotected sex, and yes, the cab driver probably didn’t post every single sentence that Paris Hilton and her friend, uttered, but look. Paris Hilton, without a doubt, said what she said, and it’s not like she doesn’t have a record of being an offensive, ignorant asshole. It’s just like, Paris, if you have a redeeming quality, maybe you should have shown it at some point in the past 31 years.

But here’s the latest on Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton, and how Lindsay “freaked out” when she saw Paris at their mutual friend Lady Gaga‘s new perfume launch for ‘Fame’.

From Page Six:

Lindsay Lohan came face to face with old frenemy Paris Hilton and freaked out at a high-profile fashion bash, as their long-running feud continues to burn.

Lohan, who is working hard to put her troubled past behind her, arrived in New York from the Atlanta set of “Scary Movie 5” in which she acts opposite Charlie Sheen and makes fun of her hard-partying, train-wreck past, including an incident last year when she was accused of stealing a necklace from an LA jewelry store.

But “Lindsay wound up looking at [the ‘Scary Movie’ cameo] as a way to complete a phase of her life and move on,” a source said. After desperately trying to get out of the shoot, she filmed the role without any additional drama Wednesday.

But when Lohan arrived at Lady Gaga’s masked ball Thursday night at the Guggenheim Museum, she flipped when she saw her old party-pal-turned-archrival Hilton.

“Lindsay freaked out when she saw Paris,” said a spy. “Neither knew the other would be there. And when Lindsay first saw Paris, she just stepped back with these big eyes. She was shaking her head and kept repeating, ‘No, no, I can’t.’ ”

The once-tight pair had a falling out back in 2006 over the infamous incident when foul-mouthed oil heir Brandon Davis branded the “Mean Girls” star “Firecrotch,” with Hilton egging him on.

At the Gaga event, which launched the singer’s new fragrance, Fame, “Lindsay refused to get her picture taken with Paris,” a source said. “But eventually she calmed down.”

While Lohan arrived at the event “very quietly,” Hilton “marched in and tried to push her way through the crowd to Gaga,” only to turn around when she realized no one was moving out of her way when she wanted to get to the singer.

Lohan later received a hug from Gaga, whom she’d bonded with over the summer during a sleepover at the Chateau Marmont in LA. Page Six exclusively reported that Gaga’s planning to cast Lohan in her first video from her upcoming album, “Artpop.”

Oh, so it’s another classic “I’m too good for this kind of trash” Lindsay Lohan-type moment, right? Because sad as it is to say, I’d be much, much more keen to root for Paris Hilton against Lindsay Lohan these days, especially if we’re talking “who’s dirtier,” I’m sorry.

So, back then—who’d you rather?

And who now? Just saying, this is Lindsay from the Fame launch:

And dear, darling Paris at the very same event:

“That sh*t with [Paris]. It’s like, c’mon man. She’s tried everything now. Just put some quality behind the sh*t that you do. Put some effort into it. [She should try to] be an actual DJ. If you’re just like, oh I want to figure out how I can make more money this week, it insults the people that work really hard at it. … It’s like me calling myself a doctor from reading WebMD twice.”

Samantha Ronson on the musical abomination known as Paris Hilton DJ-ing.

For once, did you ever think that you’d be in agreement with anything that came out of Samantha Ronson’s mouth? She did, after all, hang out with Lindsay Lohan for the longest time and God only knows what went *into* her mouth during that time. I shudder to think.

But the bottom line is that Samantha Ronson is a thousand percent correct. Paris Hilton is a crap DJ. But if you needed Samantha Ronson to tell you that, then you were in a much worse way than I thought, guys.

TMZ claims that Paris Hilton was involved in a parking garage scuffle where a paparazzi attempted to take some pictures of Paris and her friend, the icky Brandon Davis, while they were exiting the building, and instead of the photographer taking off with his tail between his legs, he struck out and tried to blast one of Paris’s people with his camera. I love this. From TMZ:

Hilton was leaving the new Bootsy Bellows nightclub on Sunset Blvd. with her old pal Brandon Davis and some other friends … when a man in their group tried to pry a photog’s camera out of his hands. An eyewitness tells us the photog tried to hit the dude with his camera.

During the struggle, Hilton — wearing a tiny blue dress — was knocked into a wall. She appeared to be OK … and eventually left the parking structure.

And what a set of photos they got. I don’t even need to clarify.

I mean, what about this photo right here:

And this one:

Is Brandon Davis such a c-nt that he can’t even *try* to help his friend up off the ground? I know that Paris Hilton is a twastic parasite and all, but even twastic parasites sometimes need help being peeled off the filthy floor from whence they came.

He’s a winner, folks.

Images courtesy of TMZ

Oh, what’s that? You didn’t know? Sorry about that; my bad. I know it’s my job to keep you guys abreast of the latest developments when it comes to C- and D-list celebrities doing dumb shit. I apologize profusely, and I hope you can begin the sometimes-slow process of forgiveness.

From Us magazine:

At the Pop Music Festival in Sao Paulo, Brazil on Saturday, electronic music junkie Paris Hilton took to the decks for her debut DJ appearance.

Dressed in a sexy black embellished bodysuit complete with matching gloves and thigh-high stockings designed by The Blondes, she started off her set with mashups of well-known hits including Rihanna’s “We Found Love,” Deadmau5′s “Some Chords” and Avicii’s “Levels.”

…

Despite getting slammed for her set over Twitter and booed during her on-stage appearance, there’s no doubt that Hilton, 31, learned how to spin like a pro from her longtime friend Afrojack, a Dutch music producer and DJ known for his hits “Take Over Control” and Pitbull’s “Give Me Everything” featuring Ne-Yo and Nayer.

Oh boy. Isn’t all that just great? But wait! It gets better! I have stuff for you that’s sure to redeem me! Here’s an official photo of Paris Hilton DEEJAYING:

I know, my friends. I know. That was bad. Which is why I’m going to give you ANOTHER:

I’m … I just … I have no words. None.