File it under “You Didn’t Hear It From Us”: numerous reports this week claimed that Oprah had been crowned godmother of Beyonce and Jay-Z‘s infant daughter, Blue Ivy Carter.

I am pleased to announce that you never read any such thing here at Evil Beet Gossip. But boy, if we had reported it, we’d be eating crow right about now.

Oprah’s bestie Gayle King sets the record straight (via Pop2it):

“It’s absolutely not true that she’s the godmother,” King said. “She’s friends with them, of course, and likes them both very much. She’s working on sending them a baby gift. She hasn’t even had time to send a baby gift because she’s been away.”

See? How could Oprah be the godmother when she hasn’t even sent a gift yet?

That baby better watch out when Oprah does send something, though. Kid’s sure to get fifteen cars and a rehabbed kitchen (you’ll find the keys taped to the underside of your high chair, honey).

King added, “Let me just say, if (that report is) true, it is news to her. It is news to her. You know, she was heading to South Africa when the baby was born.”

Don’t you get it, people? Oprah would make a great godmother, but Oprah is busy. Oprah is very happy about the new baby—Oprah loves babies!—but Oprah has much, much bigger fish to fry.

The entire article in a nutshell:

Check out this photo Oprah tweeted of herself last week (via Celebritology). More specifically, look at her face! Ha ha!

I’m not sure you can altogether make out what’s happening here, so let me just unpack it for you: Oprah is firewalking. (She looks like she’s pretty serious about getting from one end of that carpet of coals to the other, too.) Next to her, in the Madonna headset? That’s famed motivational speaker Tony Robbins, encouraging Oprah to walk harder. Man, I always knew there was something culty about leadership seminars; this just seals it.

Obviously, the photo has blown up on Buzzfeed, birthing an all-new Internet meme, “Oprah Running Away from Things.”

So I just thought I’d toss my hat in the ring and add a few new Photoshops, all while repurposing stories from the past couple days. It’s so topical! So now! Enjoy!

Oprah Winfrey tried to kill herself in 1981 when she discovered the man she was in love with was married with children, according to reports. The chat show queen was so distraught that she could not be with radio DJ Tim Watts that she drove her car into a tree in an apparent suicide bid. She even wrote a ‘suicide note’ to best friend Gayle King, who put her on a 24/7 watch after she survived the smash.

In his first comments on their relationship, Watts told the National Enquirer that he and Oprah were ‘both young and at an age when people do stupid things they might regret later’. But he insisted that they were now good friends and that they had both put their past behind them.

The Enquirer reported that Watts, now 59, met Oprah, now 57, in 1981 when she was a production assistant at WJZ-TV in Baltimore. He was the man she would have ‘married in a heartbeat’ – until the night she followed him home and discovered he was already married with children. A source told the Enquirer: ‘She was so upset she smashed her car into a tree.’

Hm. So because this douchebag cheated on his wife and kids with another woman, that drove (ha ha) Oprah to smash a car? I’m skeptical. But wait – it gets better. The guy (who is still a DJ or whatever in Baltimore after all this time) says that bygones are bygones:

“Friends are hard to come by so I’ll hold onto the few I have. What happened between me and Oprah took place a long time ago and we have both learned from it. I have no hard feelings towards her and she has none towards me. We were both young and at an age when people do stupid things they might regret later. We both moved on and are at good place in our lives.”

I’m sooo glad that this guy has no hard feelings over the woman he cheated with. I mean, can you imagine the complete and utter relief that Oprah must feel reading these words? She probably woke up a new woman this morning, and gosh. After looking at that guy, wouldn’t you?

President Obama celebrated his 50th birthday yesterday! Happy birthday, Mr. President!

And how did Madame Tussauds D.C. celebrate the occasion?

PARTY HATS. PARTY HATS FOR EVERYBODY.

Something about this whole display gives me the screaming heebie-jeebies. The wax figures themselves look like reflections in a funhouse mirror.

Another thing: I am actually vaguely offended by the party hats. No matter your opinion of our Commander-in-Chief, I don’t think his effigy needed to spend his Big Day wearing a paper cone on his head. (Now, Bill Clinton wearing a party hat in the Oval Office? That’s hilarious.)

And finally, can you identify the wax woman standing with President and First Lady Obama? Because I genuinely thought it was Jennifer Hudson, you guys.

Oprah Winfrey was roasted on The Soup this week after a funny paparazzi clip of her was released. In the video above, you see Oprah heading into a building when she’s stopped by a cameraman asking her what he should get his mother for the holidays. Oprah responds by telling him to pick up the Pottery Barn jewelry box she plugged on her Favorite Things show. The cameraman insists that he needs a gift that costs less than a hundred dollars, and Oprah’s reaction is priceless. Not only did it fail to occur to her that not everyone can spend $100 during the holidays, even on their most loved ones, but she looks downright shocked.

I love Oprah, but girl, c’mon.

If not, big mistake.  I mean, I didn’t watch it either, but at least we’re all here together right now, right?

Yesterday was Oprah’s annual Favorite Things episode – you know, the one where she gives away tons of stuff to everybody in the audience – and since this is Oprah’s last season, it was a pretty big deal.  Like, it was “paramedics are on standby because somebody could have an aneurysm” big deal.

The audience members got stuff like a diamond watch, a 3D TV, some cool shoes, a sweater, and a Caribbean cruise.  And all that’s great, it really is, but the absolute best part of this whole thing is watching people absolutely flip their shit for a straight hour.  In the video above, grown ass men fall to their knees in tears.  This one woman almost rips her hair out.  These people make Justin Bieber fans look tranquil, and I love it.

Here’s another video, and it’s not embeddable, but you can watch audience reactions throughout the show, including Oprah’s little smug smirk and nod when they reveal the cruise.  I guess the holidays are really upon us.

M.I.A. and Oprah supposedly had a bad encounter at a recent event where the talkshow host was making a speech about the cultural significance of Lady Gaga. According to M.I.A., both of those things are a bunch of BS:

Oprah seemed like she was giving me the cold shoulder. She was with Iman (Bowie). Iman was always dancing with me, hugging and kissing me, but Oprah seemed really pissed off with me. Also she made this huge speech at the ball praising Lady Gaga and about how she (Lady Gaga) is helping Americans to be the best of themselves. There’s millions of other Americans who represent that for me. Is (it) about numbers? About how much you’re selling? Is it truly about the journey? Because (Lady Gaga’s) journey isn’t that difficult: to go from the f*cking Upper East Side to a f*cking performing arts school and on to a stage at the museum of f*cking wherever. That journey’s about four miles.

Damn. If that’s true about Oprah, I can’t say I disagree. M.I.A. makes me mad uncomfortable sometimes, but in a better way than Lady Gaga does. And you know, that is kinda true about Gaga just being some Upper East Side bitch named Stephanie with a wig on.

But like, don’t be upset when you’re not on the Favorite Things list this year, Maya.

The cast of Twlight is going to be on an upcoming episode of Oprah and a preview of the episode has just been released. What do I think? Well, in four words: God help us all. How do I feel about it? In one word: Nervous.

The screaming, the emotions, the lack of emotions from Kristen Stewart. I can imagine it all perfectly in my head and I can’t even imagine what the world will be like after literally every single television on the face of this earth will be tuned into ABC for that one hour. Think about it, all those teenagers PLUS Oprah’s already massive audience? If Oprah was smart she’d plan subliminal messages in every third second of the show. She could own us all after that one hour. Never has she been so powerful and that’s saying a lot.

I can’t embed the video so you’re going to have to click over to Oprah’s site to see the video of Christina Aguilera performing her new single “Not Myself Tonight” on Friday’s Oprah, but it’s worth it. The dancers and Christina’s costume are a little whack, but that’s not why we love her. It’s that voice and unlike Whitney, time out of the spotlight hasn’t taken a nasty toll on her pipes. Christina sounds better than ever and her spunky spirit still shines through. At one point during her performance, Christina stops singing to say to the crowd, “And you know what? As women, we do it all, so sometimes we just gotta have some fun, right?” Ugh. Love her.

Today’s Oprah is sure to be one that you’re not going to want to miss. After 30 years of denying that he molested his Oscar-winning sister Mo’Nique, her brother Gerald Imes sat down with the queen of daytime to come clean. Gerald admits to first abusing himself, then turning to drugs and alcohol before eventually molesting Mo’Nique, who spoke out about her abuse several times while promoting Precious.

Mo’Nique’s parents, who allowed Gerald to move back in with them only one month after the abuse came to light, sat in the audience throughout the interview and also spoke with Oprah. Her mother admits that it was painful to have Mo speak public about the abuse she endured and felt that it was a private family matter. Mo’Nique and her parents haven’t spoke in over two and a half years, if that tells you anything.

Gerald is quoted as saying at the start of his interview, “I’m here today to acknowledge that I’ve been in denial for over 30 years. I just want to say I’m sorry,” but I’m thinking that this wont be enough to bring his sister back in to his life. This doesn’t seem like a particularly famewhore-y move on the family’s part, especially after their daughter has been so open about her side of the story in recent years, but I’m expecting for it to be full of lots of interesting information about a story that’s had a few big questions left unanswered.

Nothing but the best for John Edwards’ mistress, Rielle Hunter. Homegirl has decided who she wants her first television interview to be done with, and obviously she went for the queen, Oprah. The interview will take place in Rielle’s Charlotte, North Carolina home and will most likely air during May sweeps. 

An “insider” spoke to The National Enquirer about the interview and said, “She’s excited about giving her account of how she met John, how the affair began and what’s in store for her future. Rielle also wants to clear the air about the GQ photos – she’s basically doing it to get the  truth out and tell her side of the story.” 

While most married men who get caught sleeping around would do literally anything to silence their partners in adultery, John apparently not only said it was fine that Rielle took the interview, but he encouraged her to do it and get her side of the story out there. 

This interview should be at least mildly interesting. Oprah tends to go soft at times (LOL), but she typically holds it down when she’s talking to non-celebs. I’m expecting a good mix ass-kissing and truth-telling.

“I’m not angry, I’m not angry. I’m — well, I’m a little bit angry … I’m a little bit angry. Um — well, I don’t want people to know how I am in bed. I guess it could have been a lot worse.”

- Jessica Simpson, totally pussying out when talking to Oprah about her ex John Mayer blabbing to Playboy about their sex life.

Be mad or don’t be mad at all, Jessica!