Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi

Snooki is About to “Burst” According to Instagram

photo of nicole snooki polizzi pregnancy pictures baby photo pic
… And no doubt, because she’s, what, about six-thousand months pregnant? You’ve got people like Kristen Cavallari who gestated a fetus and birthed that child in what seemed like record time, or Gisele Bundchen, who births three babies in the time it takes your average woman to birth one, and yet Snooki still hasn’t had this baby yet? What the hell is she (and it) doing? Waiting for this season’s wine to age in her ma’s basement? Damn.

Snooki posted this photo of her ever-growing, pulsating belly on Instagram, and aside from saying that the look on her face kind of makes her look like she had some kind of stroke, I have to give her props, because when I was that pregnant, it was all I could do to put a pair of sweatpants on to match my long-sleeved t-shirt instead of just walking around bottomless, hoping to coax my baby out with the cool winter air hitting me in the gitch. But Snooki’s wearing actual clothes? With makeup? And she has her hair done? My goodness. This lady might be more on the ball than we all might give her credit for, guys, and that’s a scary, scary thing to behold.

Looks like sooner, rather than later, we’ll be meeting little Baby Lorenzo Lamas via live feed, yeah? Get it, girl!

Snooki Will Film Herself Giving Birth, Wants Three More Kids

A photo of Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi

Every Snooki I ever see is always my favorite Snooki. The very first time I ever saw Snooki, rocking that classic poof and suckin’ on pickles in the first season of Jersey Shore, I was like “wow. This is the best this girl will ever be.” But then when she started wearing her intellectual glasses and tried to start giving intelligent interviews, I thought “no, this is the best.” But now I know that no other Snooki can ever top mother Snooki. It’s simply not possible.

Here are some highlights from a recent interview she did, just so we can learn more about this lovely lady:

On filming the birth, but not for TV: “Jionni doesn’t want that. He wants it to be private and I totally respect him for that. But I’m going to record it for myself because I want to remember that moment. And I want to show Lorenzo when he’s like 16 in front of all his friends and embarrass him.”

On her wedding: “I’m getting a regular white dress, but the bridesmaids will be in leopard,” Snooki said. “The reception will be white and animal prints.”

On pregnant sex: “We don’t have a sex life,” she said. “It’s weird and it’s just very uncomfortable.”

She also said that she was hoping to film a second season of her show with J-Woww that would focus on her life as a new mom (I haven’t had the chance to watch any episodes yet, is it worth it?), and that she and Jionni are shooting for a fall wedding in 2013. Can’t wait!

Jimmy Kimmel Gives Snooki the Trashiest Baby Present Ever

photo of jimmy kimmel pictures snooki
I know, I know; it’s a joke and Fisher-Price doesn’t really make GTL sets for babies (I don’t think). But still. I’d almost feel bad for Snooki (I mean, come on—look at her face in these pictures. Mildly amused is putting it nicely) if it weren’t for the fact that she’s a complete moron who dug her own publicity grave. I mean, what. People are supposed to take Snooki all serious now because she’s pregnant? We’re supposed to forget that, prior to getting knocked up, she was a fight-provoking, shot-taking, I’ll-f-ck-anyone-if-I’ve-had-enough-to-drink skankbot? But now that she’s pregnant, so we have to pretend that she’s going to be an entirely different person after that baby’s born? Well, for the sake of that poor child, I hope so. I hope that Snooki‘s general distaste for this faux-GTL playset is genuine, and that she really looks back on the mistakes of her past with something both quite like disdain and education, because wow. If not? That poor baby’s in for a hell of a time. Honestly, just look at this picture:

photo of snooki ultrasound jimmy kimmel pictures
Also in Snooki news, she’s chosen J Woww to be the godmother of her son, Lorenzo. Isn’t that great? And her pregnancy hormones are making her have all sorts of crazy violent dreams. About her baby dreams, Snooki says:

“I had a dream that [my son] came out and he was a gorgeous little baby, then he turned 2, and he turned into a Chucky doll and he was trying to kill me. I was like, throwing him off the bed and he was like, ‘Mommy, why did you throw me off the bed [and] try to kill me?’ I don’t know why I dreamt that!”

I don’t know. I had a whole ton of sex dreams when I was pregnant, most of them at least a little inappropriate. But leave it to Snooki to have crazy, mother-killing dreams about Chucky dolls named Lorenzo. This doesn’t surprise me at all, you know.

Stars Without Makeup: Snooki Again!

A photo of Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi

I’m sorry, but photos of Snooki without all the fake eyelashes and pink lipstick and pounds and pounds of bronzer will always be so dear and so special to me. It was way back in January when we first saw Snooki without makeup (even though some of you thought she was wearing a little bit), and I was immediately mesmerized, and I’ve tried to keep my eye out for any makeup-free Snooki photos ever since. This girl is actually stunning without all the makeup she paints on herself, isn’t she?

But see, this latest “no makeup” picture that Snooki posted on Twitter is something really special, because I think she’s actually completely barefaced here. The lighting is obviously a little weird, but I see some bags under her eyes, and she’s definitely rocking her thin lips without any assistance from gloss. Our little Snooki is getting more and more comfortable with us, isn’t that darling?!

I love this picture no matter what, but I’m still curious: makeup experts, does it look like Snooki is wearing a stitch of it anywhere?

Snooki Is As Classy As The Day Is Long

A photo of Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi

Yep, this is a photo of Snooki pushing a box of Coors Light in a stroller. I was going put up a headline like “BREAKING: Snooki Had Her Baby!” but I didn’t want to freak you guys out or anything when in reality, it’s just Snooki pushing a box of Coors Light in a stroller.

I’m not sure what the story behind this photo is. I don’t know where Snooki was going, or why she had the stroller, or why she had the Coors Light (why does anyone ever have Coors Light?). All I know is that this is a beautiful photograph, and I want to hang it in a frame in my home. Just study it for a moment. Look at the vibrant colors. The contrast of the Pepsi bottle with the Diet Pepsi bottle. The way Snooki is pushing a box of Coors Light in a stroller.

Quotables: Snooki Is Going to Be A Great Mom

A photo of Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi

“I’ll be having sex in my dream and when I wake up, I’m actually having sex. Jionni’s like, doing it with me as I’m sleeping. I read your baby can feel your orgasm. What does he think it is? Does he see, like rainbows and unicorns? The baby is probably horny. That little creep. [During sex] he’s probably like, ‘Yeah, Mommy!’”

And just in case that wasn’t enough to assure you that Snooki here is going to be an outstanding mom, let me show you the plan that she’s already formed for when she’s able to get wasted again:

“Me and Jionni have made a rule: If we’re hungover or if we’ve had two drinks, we’re not going near the child. We’ll give him to Grandma. God forbid we drop our baby! I don’t regret my partying or getting blacked out. It was awesome! But now it’s time to be a parent.”

I’m glad that Snooki is saying that she’s not going to drink while she’s taking care of her baby, but does anyone else get the feeling that this just means that her mom will be taking care of little Lorenzo all the time? Like I feel like Snooki will call her mom a few times a week and say “hey Ma, I’m almost to the end of margarita number two, you better come grab Enzo, BITCH!” Because that’s how Snooki talks, right?

And as for the first quote about orgasms and rainbows and unicorns … I can’t. I’m sorry, but I just can’t. It’s too early to analyze that.

Snooki’s Poor Son Doesn’t Have A Chance

A photo of Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi

I’m starting to think that the amount of time I spend thinking about Snooki‘s child might not be normal. I came to this realization a few days ago when I was out to dinner with my boyfriend. I was rambling on and on about Snooki’s due date and how she’s going to have a little boy who she’ll probably name Lorenzo and she hasn’t seemed like herself during her pregnancy, but that could just be the lack of booze, and then I stopped because I realized that I was talking about Snooki like she’s my BFF. Have any of you guys had that experience?

But Snooki was on Good Morning America yesterday, which means that tonight at dinner I’ll have lots to talk about! Here are a couple of quotes so that you guys can have some good conversation starters as well:

Lorenzo it is: “I think we’re going to do ‘Lorenzo. Because then you can call him ‘Enzo.”

On bars and drinking: “Pregnant people shouldn’t be in a bar. All my friends are like, ‘you can have a glass of wine.’ I’m like, ‘No.’ I refuse because I’m going to be that person that has a glass of wine and [the] baby comes out with three legs.”

She also said that she plans on showing little Enzo episodes of Jersey Shore and telling him “This is what mommy did. Learn from her mistakes.” Poor, poor Enzo. He’s never going to be mentally equipped to see his mom do the things that Snooki does on that show. Remember that first time that she and Vinny fooled around? They tried to have sex, but Snooki said that it was like “trying to fit a watermelon into a pinhole.” And then there was the time that she told everyone that she got a UTI from anal sex. Oh, and then there was that time that she and Jionni had that awful, horrible, terrible fight in Italy. That would be great for their kid to watch, right?