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Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi

7What a Troll Wants, What a Troll Needs …

Call Willy Wonka, ’cause his favorite Oompa Loompa has escaped the compound and is now recording videos on shitty webcams, looking for love.

Jersey Shore‘s favorite poof-haired troll goes live on her webcam and discusses what she (still) wants in a man (that she still hasn’t found after all this time in reality TV purgatory). She talks about what she wants in men, and not crickets, and no, I have no fucking clue what that means because I don’t speak Sasquatchese, either.

She also claims that she needs to find a really hot man that’s orange and who can match her “big frickin’ personality,” ’cause it’s “way out there.” Kind of like her wacked-out Winger hair.

Just watch the video. Even though I’m going to summarize what she wants in a man below, watch the video anyway, because it’s probably one of the purest forms of crash-victim-type entertainment that you’ll experience this year.

Snooki’s Top Ten List For Her Ideal Man
10. Looks.
9. Looks.
8. Respect (for Ed Hardy).
7. Grunting as a primary form of communication.
6. Orange-ness. And looks.
5. Respect for her family and apologies that you’re kind of attracted to something this overtly needy and embarrassing.
4. Someone who hates being single as much as she does.
3. Looks.
2. Someone who will train her “best friend” cat to fist-pump.
1. Someone to buy her a better webcam, ’cause all of her Jersey Shore money is tied up in bananas and blow.

June 2, 2010 at 8:31 am by Sarah

17Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt Let Their Dogs Shit All Over Their Home

‘Cause that’s not fucking disgusting or anything. Jaysus. Some might automatically associate celebrity (even the lowest form of celebrity) with cleanliness or godliness or something, but it’s clear that these two don’t have a clue as to how to manage a career, let alone a hygienic home.

According to Life & Style magazine, the power-couple are collectively hardcore “hoarders,” not so unlike Lindsay Lohan, but instead of hoarding unused expensive shit, they hoard dog shit. And Spencer forces Heidi to clean it up:

The insider shares frightening never-before-seen photos of their actual home far from Hollywood in LA’s Pacific Palisades area. The kitchen and living room are filled with Spencer’s crystals, stacks of his screenplays and junk everywhere. “Their four dogs aren’t housebroken,” an insider tells Life & Style. “They go to the bathroom all over the house. Heidi is sometimes near tears at the dogs’ mess, but Spencer just orders her to pick it up.”

Heidi’s probably used to picking shit up, as it were. Spencer seems rather rabbit-like in his appearance and we all know how those fuckers just drop shit behind them after every sudden movement they happen to make.

Dude, I’ve met people like this. They walk the walk, they talk the talk and wear (and buy) the nicest stuff. You’d think they’ve got it all together, but in reality, they’re a dead mess. Their countertops are stacked with week-old dirty dishes, there’s empty food containers shoved under the sofa and all they have in the fridge is old soy sauce packages — maybe a few duck sauces if they’re lucky. Laundry’s left in piles that one can only decipher clean from dirty by taking a deep whiff of the fabric. Gross, man. Just gross.

I know these two don’t have two brain cells to rub together (and could you imagine the nuclear fallout if they did?), but come on. It’s not so hard to understand that when things start to stink, they should be thrown away.

Spence, you’re going to make some big bucks off of your newest protege, Slimy Salami or whatever Snooki’s ex’s name is, hire a damned maid or something.

May 12, 2010 at 11:04 am by Sarah

1Snooki and JWoww Take Miami

I just love basically any candids of Snooki doing anything anywhere. The newly single Snooks is in Miami, stirring up drama for season two of Jersey Shore (OMG IS EVERYBODY SO EXCITED??). She and JWoww were enjoying some cocktails when apparently the folks at a nearby table had some unkind words to share, and Snooki got in an argument with them. THAT SNOOKI. I can’t wait until she gets her own show. Speaking of which, I watched Kendra Wilkinson’s show for basically the first time today, and it’s pretty amazing. I can’t believe I never watched it until now. And then I saw that they’re giving Holly her own show? Boo. That shit’ll be a snoozefest. I can only watch Holly Madison decorate cookies and claw at the remains of her youth for so long before I feel the need to put on a pair of sensible shoes and clip my nails. But whatever, anything’s better than that Crystal Meth chick Hef keeps going on and on about on his Twitter. OK. Here are lots of pics of Snooki and JWoww.

April 25, 2010 at 11:49 pm by Evil Beet

9The One in Which J-Woww Doesn’t Look Like a Complete Ho

Lady luck found us some lovely photos of Jersey Shore‘s Jenni Farley yesterday, otherwise known in the seedy bar scene as “JWoww.”

Woww rocked an orange-y sun dress kind of thing while in Miami earlier this week.  Her wardrobe choice kind of honestly surprised me. Woww normally follows a strict regimen in the way she chooses clothing ensembles: Does it have a low-cut dip-to-my-bellybutton slit? Check. If I bend over far enough, will you be able to see what I ate for yesterday’s breakfast? Check! Does this shade of [fill in the blank] clash amazingly with my perma-tan? Fuck, check again!

Nah, Farley.  You don’t look awful in these photo.  But also, that’s not a nursing pad stuffed into the left tit of your dress, is it? I mean, damn, woman. I know some dudes think lactating women are hot, but who’s watching the kid? The Sitch and his mega-moobs?

April 22, 2010 at 7:26 am by Sarah

4Snooki Dumps Her Juice-Head Via Facebook

What is this? This is the epitome of class. These are the standards that we hold Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi up to and we are never, I repeat — never — disappointed.

You’ll remember Snookers’ only latest boyfriend: Emilio Masella. They got together between seasons of Jersey Shore and looked like a match made in Ed Hardy-sponsored Oompa-Loompa heaven.

Well, the two dated for, like, an all-time record high of a few months, which in Jersey Shore time, calculates to be about four seasons of the “hit” MTV show.

However, Snooki felt that her star was going to be compromised when her man, Masella, decided to try out for the latest season of MTV’s The Real World. Snook decided that Masella was only using her for her “fame” and decided to kick his tanned hide to the curb. Through Facebook. And just in time for the new season of the Shore.

TMZ reached out to the broken-hearted Emilio to find out what the hell happened and Masella stated:

“All i kno is she was upset i tried out fornreal world nd left me a message sayin im single. Next i kno i wake up [Monday] morning and facebook says im single.”

And that, ladies and gents, is how you break up — Jersey Shore-style. Welcome to the jungle.

April 20, 2010 at 7:29 am by Sarah

13Yyyeah … ‘Cause What the World Needs Now Is These Two Pregnant.

This comes from Star magazine, so the source obviously isn’t as credible as, say, US Weekly or whatever, so take it with a grain of salt. Or don’t. Either way, what fun.

According to “sources,” MTV’s executive producers are pushing for Snooki and J-Woww to get pregnant during this season’s filming. That just has greasy, over-tanned greatness all over it, right? Again, supposedly, the producers are offering $500k bonuses with the promise of a follow-up reality show produced — obviously — by MTV. Star reports:

“Star has learned exclusively that producers are trying to entice one of the female stars [of Jersey Shore]… to get pregnant this time around.

‘They’re offering a big bonus for a baby,’ a source reveals to Star. In fact, the source says producers are prepared to cough up a half million dollars and a spin off series for the female cast member who agrees to get knocked up. And it looks like Snooki, 22, might be up for the challenge.

‘I want twins,’ the tiny Guidette… squealed in an exclusive NYC interview with Star. Along with her new boyfriend, a hunky bodybuilder named Emilio Masella who works as a personal trainer at Gold’s Gym in Connecticut, Snooki confessed, ‘We want a boy and a girl, fraternal twins. I think our kids will be so cute! But I don’t want to get married or anything until I’m like 26 or 27.”

I hope to God that these rumors aren’t true and that Star is making bullshit headlines once again, ’cause damn … I don’t know if I could live in a world where Snooki’s bump-it has to be removed because it might cause pregnancy complications or watching J-Woww go through the DT’s because she’s got “that baby-kind of thing” in her “tummy.”

April 3, 2010 at 2:10 pm by Sarah