8Photos of the Jersey Shore Greaseballs Trying to Look Classy

And failing. Miserably. Failing miserably. Did I mention that they failed? Miserably?

The cast of Jersey Shore was photographed in attendance at the KIIS-FM “Now 34 and the Jersey Shore” party that was held at some pool that looks like it’d fit in perfectly at your local hotel-motel-Holiday Inn, naturally.

They all look, uh, great. Just great. I mean, Snooki herself looks almost half of the troll that she normally appears to be, The Situation’s shirt is only 3/4 of the way up, and JWoww has somehow managed to restrain her massive tits in a manner that doesn’t look like they’re choking the living shit out of her. Apparently, the night was a win. As for the rest of the cast? I can’t even fucking remember who they are.

July 12, 2010 at 1:14 pm by Sarah

15Caption This

Jersey Shore‘s Snooki out and about, partying in Toronto this past week with a, uh, new friend.

June 23, 2010 at 6:40 am by Sarah

9Cookie Monster: Snooki’s Latest Diet

So, Snooki, at 4’9″, claims that she weighs 110 pounds. Now, I’ll be honest: I’m not a good estimator when it comes to height-weight ratios, but I think that sounds pretty accurate for someone of her stature. She’s not a tiny, skinny-scrawny little thing, and because she’s as short as she is, it shows.

And … because of that, Snookers claims that she’s going to try out the Cookie Diet in an effort to lose those extra ten pounds that she claimed arrived around the time Jersey Shore initially debuted. Snooki speaks exclusively to Us Magazine and states that she’s really serious about cleaning up her figure:

“I used to be fit,” she tells UsMagazine.com. “Now I look at myself, and I’m like, What the hell happened? … I would like be back to 100 lbs; I’m 110 right now.”

Cookie diet? Snooki diet? There’s a lot of fun things you can do with this, but I’m just too jaded by the Shore kids to even dream anything that glaringly good up.

Good luck with the cookies, Snooki. Maybe if you lay off the heavy cream-based drinks and margaritas, or took your castmates’ weight loss suggestions, you wouldn’t have to resort to the, um, revered cookie diet.

June 18, 2010 at 9:27 am by Sarah

3Snooki May Save Season 2 of Jersey Shore

The preview for Jersey Miami Shore has finally hit the Internet, and, although a lot of it is exactly the hyperbolic dreck you were expecting, there is some potential for awesomeness.

First off: Snooki is awesome. The girl is fucking hilarious. She plays the ditz, but she’s perceptive and cutting and she knows how to entertain. I was worried she’d become a caricature of herself (as if she weren’t already), but instead it seems she’s just developed a keener sense of what’s wonderful about the character she’s playing, the way Megan Mullally so brilliantly developed the Karen Walker character during the first season of Will & Grace.

Also: Angelina’s back. Oh, I hate her so. Rambling on and on about second chances. Fuck that. I’m angry that she’s on the show again. She forfeited her first chance. NO SECOND CHANCE FOR YOU. I hope JWoww punches her.

And most awesomely: Ronnie and Sammi broke up. BUT THEY STILL HAVE TO LIVE IN THE HOUSE TOGETHER. The preview shows Ronnie’s alcoholic ass slamming back drinks with his buddies in Jersey, talking about how he’s going to be “creepy” and “weird” in Miami, which I think in guido-speak actually means he’s planning to get with a lot of girls. And then Sammi is going to freak out and retaliate. And then Ronnie is going to freak out and retaliate back. And then Sammi is probably going to hook up with the Situation. And then Ronnie is going to — GASP! — drink too much and punch someone and go to jail for a night and then voluntarily decide to attend AA meetings before this cycle escalates to more serious consequences do it all again.

I’m pretty psyched for this, I’ll admit.

June 8, 2010 at 11:33 am by Evil Beet

7What a Troll Wants, What a Troll Needs …

Call Willy Wonka, ’cause his favorite Oompa Loompa has escaped the compound and is now recording videos on shitty webcams, looking for love.

Jersey Shore‘s favorite poof-haired troll goes live on her webcam and discusses what she (still) wants in a man (that she still hasn’t found after all this time in reality TV purgatory). She talks about what she wants in men, and not crickets, and no, I have no fucking clue what that means because I don’t speak Sasquatchese, either.

She also claims that she needs to find a really hot man that’s orange and who can match her “big frickin’ personality,” ’cause it’s “way out there.” Kind of like her wacked-out Winger hair.

Just watch the video. Even though I’m going to summarize what she wants in a man below, watch the video anyway, because it’s probably one of the purest forms of crash-victim-type entertainment that you’ll experience this year.

Snooki’s Top Ten List For Her Ideal Man
10. Looks.
9. Looks.
8. Respect (for Ed Hardy).
7. Grunting as a primary form of communication.
6. Orange-ness. And looks.
5. Respect for her family and apologies that you’re kind of attracted to something this overtly needy and embarrassing.
4. Someone who hates being single as much as she does.
3. Looks.
2. Someone who will train her “best friend” cat to fist-pump.
1. Someone to buy her a better webcam, ’cause all of her Jersey Shore money is tied up in bananas and blow.

June 2, 2010 at 8:31 am by Sarah

17Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt Let Their Dogs Shit All Over Their Home

‘Cause that’s not fucking disgusting or anything. Jaysus. Some might automatically associate celebrity (even the lowest form of celebrity) with cleanliness or godliness or something, but it’s clear that these two don’t have a clue as to how to manage a career, let alone a hygienic home.

According to Life & Style magazine, the power-couple are collectively hardcore “hoarders,” not so unlike Lindsay Lohan, but instead of hoarding unused expensive shit, they hoard dog shit. And Spencer forces Heidi to clean it up:

The insider shares frightening never-before-seen photos of their actual home far from Hollywood in LA’s Pacific Palisades area. The kitchen and living room are filled with Spencer’s crystals, stacks of his screenplays and junk everywhere. “Their four dogs aren’t housebroken,” an insider tells Life & Style. “They go to the bathroom all over the house. Heidi is sometimes near tears at the dogs’ mess, but Spencer just orders her to pick it up.”

Heidi’s probably used to picking shit up, as it were. Spencer seems rather rabbit-like in his appearance and we all know how those fuckers just drop shit behind them after every sudden movement they happen to make.

Dude, I’ve met people like this. They walk the walk, they talk the talk and wear (and buy) the nicest stuff. You’d think they’ve got it all together, but in reality, they’re a dead mess. Their countertops are stacked with week-old dirty dishes, there’s empty food containers shoved under the sofa and all they have in the fridge is old soy sauce packages — maybe a few duck sauces if they’re lucky. Laundry’s left in piles that one can only decipher clean from dirty by taking a deep whiff of the fabric. Gross, man. Just gross.

I know these two don’t have two brain cells to rub together (and could you imagine the nuclear fallout if they did?), but come on. It’s not so hard to understand that when things start to stink, they should be thrown away.

Spence, you’re going to make some big bucks off of your newest protege, Slimy Salami or whatever Snooki’s ex’s name is, hire a damned maid or something.

May 12, 2010 at 11:04 am by Sarah