2Oh Dear God No: Snooki is Pregnant

From the New York Post:

Though she has publicly denied she’s expecting, sources say trashy “Jersey Shore” guidette Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi is indeed pregnant and has plans to bankroll her mommy-to-be status into becoming “the next Kourtney Kardashian.”

We’re told Polizzi, 24, is carrying her first child by boyfriend Jionni LaValle, and is roughly three months along. Sources said the reality star, who denied being preggers earlier this month, has already brokered a deal to announce the news on the cover of Us Weekly after she shopped the story to several celebrity magazines.

But sources tell Page Six that MTV is worried about how to manage the news, given that Polizzi’s hard-partying, booze-swilling ways have just been turned into a “Jersey Shore” spinoff with Jenni “JWoww” Farley, which has begun shooting in New Jersey. “MTV went into crisis mode after they found out,” said a source. “They’re trying to hide it because it would greatly affect the creative direction of the show. ” The untitled new show has just begun taping and focuses on the ladies’ relationship as friends and roommates — and whatever adventures come their way.

Can you even believe this? No. Wait. I can’t. Because I choose not to believe this. The alternative is just inconceivable, much like I thought Snooki was, what with all of that ephedrine and coconut rum running through her veins. How is that a fertile environment for anything to grow, especially a mini-Guido?

Oh. Well, then. Now that you put it that way, I suppose it IS the best climate to foster a tiny little Guido (or Guidette).

Congrats are … what, in order then? Woo? Who’s buying the Jager bombs … ?

February 29, 2012 at 7:30 am by Sarah

3Are J Woww and Snooki Feminists?

I know – I just about died when I considered the notion, too, but after reading the interview they recently gave to our friends at the Huffington Post, I … well, read for yourself. Snooki and J Woww stopped by MTV studios in New York City earlier this week and talked about sexuality, Jersey Shore, and feminism, and how they claim it all goes together.

Snooki: I told her [J Woww] to run for president so that everyone [including same-sex couples] could get married. Because I certainly can’t [run for president.]

JWoww: I was really upset — that’s what I tweeted about. My friend couldn’t get married. He had to get a domestic partnership [at the time] and I was so pissed off about that. I was like, “I want to go to your wedding. You’re going to be my bridesmaid and I’m going to be your bridesmaid…”

Snooki: Is he going to wear a dress?

JWoww: I don’t know. I hope so. [Laughs]

Huff Po: You were both featured in one of MTV’s “Love Is Louder” videos which tackles the issue of bullying. In it you mentioned that you know what it’s like to be discriminated against. What were you referring to?

JWoww: We’re just very stereotyped. [Snooki was] bullied in high school and so was I.

Snooki: Yeah. And I’m probably the top celebrity that gets bullied today. I’m just different and everyone hates me for it.

JWoww: What we do on the show — people say we’re alcoholics. We get discriminated against for drinking. And we’re tan so now we’ve caused these tanning taxes and we’re getting a bad rap for tanning.

Snooki: People just take us too seriously.

HP: What’s the biggest misconception people have about you?

Snooki: That we’re stupid. We’re not stupid. We’re very smart, actually.

JWoww: That really gets under my skin. It’s like you don’t know me to judge me. We’re sorry we’re not walking on the shore with three-piece business suits or evening gowns.

HP: Do you read your own press?

Snooki: We have Google alerts!

HP: So do you take what people write about you seriously? Snooki, when people are writing about the pregnancy rumors, for instance, does it freak you out?

Snooki: No. I just like my name being in the news.

(more…)

February 8, 2012 at 9:30 am by Sarah

3Snooki Dances for Zantrex

Wow. Wowwowwow. So bad. Snooki: so bad. If you didn’t watch the video, I’ll spare you the gory details and just say that Snooki is so excited, and she just can’t hide it, over Zantrex-3′s fat-burning pills. Because yes, though she said in the past that her weight loss was all natural and had nothing to do with anything aside from good old-fashioned eating better, cutting out booze, exercising, and drinking tons of water, she’s finally come clean and fulfilled her contract with endorsed Zantrex-3 with open arms.

Still not sure what Zantrex-3 is? It’s more or less a caffeine pill laced with fancy-sounding herbs. It’s kind of like living on a diet of Vivarin and green tea, and probably not much else. Wanna hear the potential side-effects of taking Zantrex-3? Well, shoot, OK!:

Cardiovascular
Zantrex-3 has several potential cardiovascular side effects. Specifically, this supplement may increase heart rate and cause irregular heartbeats or palpitations. Additionally, an increase in blood pressure may result. If you have a medical history of cardiovascular disease, you should not take this supplement because of the stimulant effects of caffeine. In general, people taking this supplement should reduce or limit their intake of caffeinated beverages to avoid potential side effects.

Gastrointestinal
The caffeine in Zantrex-3 may lead to gastrointestinal problems, such as nausea and vomiting, decreased appetite, diarrhea and general stomach discomfort. Such side effects may subside, but do not ignore these symptoms if they persist; for example, continued diarrhea can lead to dehydration. Seek medical attention if any of these effects persist.

Urological
Caffeine can act as a mild diuretic, so Zantrex-3 may increase frequency of urine output. Consequently, individuals with a medical history of kidney disease or renal problems should consult a physician before taking this supplement.

Psychological
The high amount of caffeine present in this substance may produce effects that involve nervousness with jitters, sleep problems and irritability. Changes in mood may occur as well as increased feelings of anxiety or panic. Individuals with anxiety or mood disorders should check with a physician before taking Zantrex-3.

Well all that just sounds awesome, doesn’t it? Irritability, excessive peeing, nausea, vomiting, general stomach discomfort. Honestly, Snooki may as well go ahead and get pregnant, since she’s so used to the symptoms, right? You know what’s scarier than a Snooki all amped up on glorified caffeine pills? Pregnant Snooki all amped up on glorified caffeine pills.

I shudder at the thought. Please, Zantrex-3, let’s maybe find out down the road that excessive use of your product results in the possibility of sterilization, OK? At least in this case?

January 27, 2012 at 4:30 am by Sarah

11Stars Without Makeup: Snooki!

Whoa. Are you guys seeing this? Are you seeing what I’m seeing? Because what I’m seeing is that Snooki looks absolutely amazing without makeup. Like, this girl is positively gorgeous. She’s so gorgeous that I almost used the word “radiant.” This is blowing my mind.

If you’re not as astounded as I am, please keep in mind that the girl you see above usually looks like this:

Crazy, right? Underneath the pounds and pounds of bronzer, the totally unnecessary fake eyelashes, and that pale shade of lipstick that Snooki is so fond of but that I personally have never understood, this girl is such a looker. Why doesn’t she do this all the time? Why does she insist on piling on all that makeup when this is what she has going on underneath it all? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?

Ok, real quick though: I need an objective viewpoint here. Because, despite everything, I kind of love Snooki. I know that she’s pretty dumb sometimes, but … come on! I just think there’s something so likable about her. I wish we were friends so I could tell her to stop drinking so much and to stop getting dumb tattoos and to pick up a book. She would be like “thanks, sister, I’m getting my life together! What would I do without you?” And I’d be like “I don’t know, Snooks. I just don’t know.” And then I’d shake my head but I’d still give her a smile, and then we’d hug and go out for ice cream.

I’m sorry, what?

What I’m saying is that I need you guys to let me know if Snooki is as beautiful without makeup as I think she is.

January 19, 2012 at 4:30 am by Emily

4Snooki is Gearing Up for a Fancy Boob Job

Jersey Shore‘s Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi was gracious enough to speak to E! Entertainment’s Marc Malkin earlier in the week, and in addition to discussing highlights of the upcoming season of her reality show, she also shared some “private” news: she’s going to go under the knife and get a brand-new set of knockers. Isn’t that awesome? Not only that, but she’s going to a “good” doctor (read: she’s going to go the bargain plastic surgery route and head to the back alley where co-star J Woww got her extraordinary gunshell tits done, and no I’m not joking):

“Very soon. Very soon,” Snooki told me earlier today when she and JWoww stopped by E! to promote Thursday night’s fifth-season premiere of their hit MTV reality show. “I hope in the next couple of months. “They’re a good size now, but I want them like this when I’m not wearing a bra,” she said, cupping and lifting her chest up. “I’m definitely taking her to my doctor,” JWoww said. “I’ll go in and get mine redone to make her feel better.”

Now, friends. Imagine this, OK? Just imagine what it’s going to be like once Snooki here heads back to da shore and starts drinking her sugar cane-laden alcoholic beverages again. Nature says that she’ll blow up an additional thirty pounds and there’s going to be Guido sadfaces for everyone. For crying out loud, she’s going to look like an Ooopma Loompa with an orange Goodyear tire around its neck. Come on. You really think those fake-ass tits are going to look good on shorty, here? Hell, I should think not. Yikes.

According to Snooks, however, you don’t need to worry about her repacking on the pounds: she’s not going to gain any weight, because she’s finally hit her “goal weight” of 98 pounds and doesn’t feel that her twenty-four year-old body’s going to change at all, ever again, from here on out. May as well start cutting it up and stuffing Vaseline-filled balloons in various places now while we can, right?

Lastly, this is probably something we should take seriously – it isn’t the first time that Snooki’s mentioned getting a chest augmentation. On December 15th, she Tweeted “All I want for Christmas is big knockers like @JENNIWOWW. Thanks Santa”.

What do you guys think – are you ready for a new, even MOAR improved Nicole Polizzi, or, like me, do you like your warthogs small and plump and orange instead?

January 5, 2012 at 10:30 am by Sarah

12Love It or Leave It: Just When She Was *Almost* Cute for Once

You know what they say – damned if you do, damned if you dye your hair a sort-of unflattering color, and that’s where Snooki is right about now, I’d say.

See, when I think of a red-haired Snooki, I think about that drunken makeout sesh with Deena Cortese for some reason, and that reminder only ruins whatever class I think Snooki could have attained. There’s just some things that you can’t undo, and for me, there are definitely things that you can’t unsee. That’s pretty much everything Nicole Polizzi’s done up to this point, and it’s really sad to know that no matter how much weight she loses, no matter how many times she narrowly avoids doing the duckface and actually smiles instead, no matter how many times she attempts to date “up,” she’s always going to be the same old Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi that debuted in a very ungainly way on the first season of Jersey Shore.

For her, that’s sad. For me, however, it’s customary and it’s perfectly fine. I mean, I just couldn’t imagine a world without being able to bash Snooki for her name, her fashion, her boyfriend, her history, or her source of fame. So keep on keeping on, Snooks, because I plan on being around a LONG TIME, alright, girl?

December 30, 2011 at 4:30 am by Sarah