Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi

Merry Christmas, Snooki Brown!

photo of nicole snooki polizzi pictures photos christmas 2011 weight loss
This is how Jersey Shore‘s Snooki spent Christmas – sitting in her messy bedroom taking self-portraits and mugging for her boyfriend’s really shitty camera. It could be worse – she could have been doing what LeAnn Rimes was doing – busting her tailbone wide open on a bed stuffed with goose down feathers. Thank God for small favors, am I right?

Anyway, you’re “rich,” girl, why don’t you go buy your dumb duck a new camera? Or at the very least, you know, hire a maid to clean up after yourselves. Hell.

5 Best Transformations of 2011

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Yesterday we did the Top 5 Douchebags of 2011, so I thought it only fair to give credit where credit is due (even if the aforementioned “credit” is only on temporary loan, like most credit is and then the person in slot #2 shoots back to complete grossness, and not just partial) and acknowledge those celebrities who have done some good for themselves, yes?

#5 – Evan Rachel Wood
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Amazing what not sleeping next to Marilyn Manson can do for a girl, huh? She’s almost attractive these days, if you can forget that she posed naked and bloodied while eating cake. And participating in sodomy.

#4 – Mariah Carey
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A lot of people thought that Mariah’s figure, at almost forty-two years old, was all but gone, and after having twins, most said that was the nail in the coffin. She sure showed them, mmhmm girl.

#3 – Jennifer Hudson
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Unbelievable, right? Now if she can stop losing weight for five minutes, things might continue to be OK. Girlfriend doesn’t have another ounce to lose.

Jump in to see the top 2 transformations of 2011!

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Look Who’s All Skinny and Stuff!

photo of super slim snooki pictures bikini 2011 weight loss pics photos
So, I’ve said it before (and a lot of you gave me shit for it for some reason), but I’m going to say it again: I don’t care how much weight you’ve lost, Snooki, you’re still a disgusting human being. You’re as bad as Kim Kardashian, you’re just not nearly as rich and not nearly as “klassy.”

This’d be Jersey Shore‘s Nicole Polizzi, and look how far she’s come from her early days on the show: she used to be the dredge of the crew, the one getting punched in the face by ‘roided-up gym teachers, the one hooking up with other warthog-lookalikes, the one who was voted Most Likely to Wipe Out an Entire Jersey County via STD (I’m kidding about the last one, but really, I’m not). Now she’s writing books (although she doesn’t read them), tanning with Anderson Cooper, and posing for Christmas photos almost completely dressed. If that doesn’t rank at least a 6 on the Kardashian Klassy-Meter, then hell. I don’t know what could.

photo of skinny snooki bathing suit bikini monokini 2011 pics photos

Snooki and Her Duck Wish You a Very Merry Christmas

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I know Snooki probably wants us to think that there’s an “angel atop the tree” joke in this photo somewhere, but I’m too busy looking at her doofus boyfriend’s duckface. I didn’t even know dudes were allowed to make that face, let alone big, jacked dudes with presumably tiny penises. I mean, the steroids have probably done enough damage to his manhood and thus, his manhood-size self-esteem, so why would he want to do anything more to further encourage us to think he’s a complete simpering tool, unworthy of anything but … Snooki from Jersey Shore?

The Fifth Season of Jersey Shore Is Nearly Upon Us!

The last season of Jersey Shore was so intense, right? There was all that drama with Jionni, we got to see Snooki’s problem with alcohol become painfully obvious and undeniable (as if it wasn’t already, right?) and, possibly the best part of all, we got to see The Situation ram his head into a wall. The fourth season of Jersey Shore was not a joke. It came at us hard and fast, and it didn’t slow down. So the fifth season should be the craziest yet, right?

Well, if you watch the trailer, not so much.

It looks like the highlights this season are going to be Vinny going home for a couple days and Snooki hitting the Situation with a plastic baseball bat. And that’s so disappointing. I mean, if you watch the whole trailer you don’t see one second of Ron and Sam fighting. Not one! It almost makes me not even want to watch it when it premieres on January 5th on MTV.

Almost.

Snooki Exfoliates with Kitty Litter

A photo of Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi

Wow. Uh, I sort of told the whole story in that headline. Snooki rubs kitty litter on her face as part of her beauty regime.

Oh, I could give you guys the priceless excerpt from Conan‘s show where we learn this lovely little tidbit:

Conan: “You give some very strange beauty tips in here. In this book, you say it’s acceptable to use cat litter–”

Snooki: “Clean cat litter.”

Conan: “Yes. I thought that would go without saying.”

Snooki: “Just making sure.”

Conan: “…On your face. As what? As an exfoliant?

Snooki: “Yeah, well, I definitely, um, like to Google a lot. And I don’t like to spend a lot of money on, like, spa treatments, just because I’m, like, a cheapo. So I Googled what else I could use that’s, like, not so expensive, and it was… cat litter.”

Conan asks, “Isn’t cat litter, like, a strong chemical?” and Snooki looks as though this would never occur to her. She shrugs and says, “I haven’t broke out at all yet,” and Conan quips, “I guess that’s good enough for the FDA.”

You know, I knew that Snooki was a little off, that she had some unconventional beliefs and all, but I think this one takes the cake. I’ll buy that she actually thinks she could be on The Office and, even though it causes me so much pain in my soul, I’ll accept that she doesn’t know who JK Rowling and Maya Angelou are, but this? Kitty litter on the face?* I can’t, Snickers, I just can’t.

*I did try to pull a Snooki and Google this to see if it was an actual thing, and all I could find out was that Christie Brinkley uses kitty litter in a pinch. That still doesn’t make it ok.

Love It or Leave It: Snooki’s Mega-Poof

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Looks to me like Snooki‘s becoming quite the caricature of herself, huh?

I also love that absolutely no one is fazed by her presence. It’s like no one even cares. It’s like she’s as famous as Mario Lopez or something. I’m actually beginning to think that if I happened to see Snooki walking down the street at me, that I’d probably do my best to avoid even the most polite of eye contact, and instead of throwing her into the gutter where she belongs like I’d like to, I might actually take the high road and not try to contaminate myself with whatever funky disease she’s got that’s definitely contracted through slurred, flying spittle.