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Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi

2Snooki: Mother of The Year?

A photo of Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi

Can anyone explain to me why the entire world isn’t more entranced with the idea of Snooki being pregnant? Like, when I first read about it, I was shocked. I thought the celebrity gossip world would be all Snooki, all the time, for at least a good few weeks, and I thought that everyone I told would be just as stunned as I was. But I was wrong. I really haven’t seen that much about Snooki after the big announcement, and everyone I told had this half-interested expression of “oh, really?” WHY DOES NO ONE CARE ABOUT THE STATE OF SNOOKI’S WOMB?!

Wait, I need to take that one back, because, besides myself, someone does deeply care about Snooki’s womb, and that, thankfully, is Snooki herself:

Snooki is in the midst of a MAJOR transformation … from a sloppy, smooshy drunken idiot … to a RESPONSIBLE mom-to-be who’s taking her pregnancy very seriously … TMZ has learned.

Sources close to the MTV star tell us … ever since Snooki discovered she was with child she quit drinking, quit screwing around … and has convinced the people around her that she could develop into “mother of the year.”

We’re told Snooki comes from a loving family … she’s very close with her mom … and she completely understands what it takes to become a responsible mother.

The timing of Snooki’s pregnancy couldn’t have worked out better … ’cause we’re told the premise of her upcoming “Jersey Shore” spin-off reality show with Jwoww is “the last hurrah.”

Sources connected to the production tell us the show will follow the girls as they transition into adulthood … move into an adult apartment … and take some serious adult steps with their boyfriends.

We’re told the boyfriends will not have starring roles on the show … but the relationships will be “key.”

As for Snooki, we’re told she has no plans to marry her BF … yet … even though he’s most likely the baby daddy.

You know, I think Snooki could actually be a good mom, in the “A for effort” sense. I think she’ll try really hard and she’ll mean well, but, bless her heart, she’s just not that bright. Lord knows I love her, but let’s be real, she’s about as sharp as a marble. She’s a few clowns short of a circus. That is to say, she fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. I could definitely see her filling a baby bottle full of tequila, or … I don’t know, something involving dirty diapers. Would she maybe taste a little poop? I don’t know if I’d go that far, but I’m sure it says something that I feel the need to ask about it.

Is anybody as enthralled by this pregnancy as I am?

March 3, 2012 at 8:00 am by Emily

2Oh Dear God No: Snooki is Pregnant

photo of snooki pregnant baby bump pics
From the New York Post:

Though she has publicly denied she’s expecting, sources say trashy “Jersey Shore” guidette Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi is indeed pregnant and has plans to bankroll her mommy-to-be status into becoming “the next Kourtney Kardashian.”

We’re told Polizzi, 24, is carrying her first child by boyfriend Jionni LaValle, and is roughly three months along. Sources said the reality star, who denied being preggers earlier this month, has already brokered a deal to announce the news on the cover of Us Weekly after she shopped the story to several celebrity magazines.

But sources tell Page Six that MTV is worried about how to manage the news, given that Polizzi’s hard-partying, booze-swilling ways have just been turned into a “Jersey Shore” spinoff with Jenni “JWoww” Farley, which has begun shooting in New Jersey. “MTV went into crisis mode after they found out,” said a source. “They’re trying to hide it because it would greatly affect the creative direction of the show. ” The untitled new show has just begun taping and focuses on the ladies’ relationship as friends and roommates — and whatever adventures come their way.

Can you even believe this? No. Wait. I can’t. Because I choose not to believe this. The alternative is just inconceivable, much like I thought Snooki was, what with all of that ephedrine and coconut rum running through her veins. How is that a fertile environment for anything to grow, especially a mini-Guido?

Oh. Well, then. Now that you put it that way, I suppose it IS the best climate to foster a tiny little Guido (or Guidette).

Congrats are … what, in order then? Woo? Who’s buying the Jager bombs … ?

February 29, 2012 at 7:30 am by Sarah

3Are J Woww and Snooki Feminists?

photo of snooki and j woww hooking up pictures bisexual photos pics
I know – I just about died when I considered the notion, too, but after reading the interview they recently gave to our friends at the Huffington Post, I … well, read for yourself. Snooki and J Woww stopped by MTV studios in New York City earlier this week and talked about sexuality, Jersey Shore, and feminism, and how they claim it all goes together.

Snooki: I told her [J Woww] to run for president so that everyone [including same-sex couples] could get married. Because I certainly can’t [run for president.]

JWoww: I was really upset — that’s what I tweeted about. My friend couldn’t get married. He had to get a domestic partnership [at the time] and I was so pissed off about that. I was like, “I want to go to your wedding. You’re going to be my bridesmaid and I’m going to be your bridesmaid…”

Snooki: Is he going to wear a dress?

JWoww: I don’t know. I hope so. [Laughs]

Huff Po: You were both featured in one of MTV’s “Love Is Louder” videos which tackles the issue of bullying. In it you mentioned that you know what it’s like to be discriminated against. What were you referring to?

JWoww: We’re just very stereotyped. [Snooki was] bullied in high school and so was I.

Snooki: Yeah. And I’m probably the top celebrity that gets bullied today. I’m just different and everyone hates me for it.

JWoww: What we do on the show — people say we’re alcoholics. We get discriminated against for drinking. And we’re tan so now we’ve caused these tanning taxes and we’re getting a bad rap for tanning.

Snooki: People just take us too seriously.

HP: What’s the biggest misconception people have about you?

Snooki: That we’re stupid. We’re not stupid. We’re very smart, actually.

JWoww: That really gets under my skin. It’s like you don’t know me to judge me. We’re sorry we’re not walking on the shore with three-piece business suits or evening gowns.

HP: Do you read your own press?

Snooki: We have Google alerts!

HP: So do you take what people write about you seriously? Snooki, when people are writing about the pregnancy rumors, for instance, does it freak you out?

Snooki: No. I just like my name being in the news.

(more…)

February 8, 2012 at 9:30 am by Sarah

5Snooki Dances for Zantrex


Wow. Wowwowwow. So bad. Snooki: so bad. If you didn’t watch the video, I’ll spare you the gory details and just say that Snooki is so excited, and she just can’t hide it, over Zantrex-3′s fat-burning pills. Because yes, though she said in the past that her weight loss was all natural and had nothing to do with anything aside from good old-fashioned eating better, cutting out booze, exercising, and drinking tons of water, she’s finally come clean and fulfilled her contract with endorsed Zantrex-3 with open arms.

Still not sure what Zantrex-3 is? It’s more or less a caffeine pill laced with fancy-sounding herbs. It’s kind of like living on a diet of Vivarin and green tea, and probably not much else. Wanna hear the potential side-effects of taking Zantrex-3? Well, shoot, OK!:

Cardiovascular
Zantrex-3 has several potential cardiovascular side effects. Specifically, this supplement may increase heart rate and cause irregular heartbeats or palpitations. Additionally, an increase in blood pressure may result. If you have a medical history of cardiovascular disease, you should not take this supplement because of the stimulant effects of caffeine. In general, people taking this supplement should reduce or limit their intake of caffeinated beverages to avoid potential side effects.

Gastrointestinal
The caffeine in Zantrex-3 may lead to gastrointestinal problems, such as nausea and vomiting, decreased appetite, diarrhea and general stomach discomfort. Such side effects may subside, but do not ignore these symptoms if they persist; for example, continued diarrhea can lead to dehydration. Seek medical attention if any of these effects persist.

Urological
Caffeine can act as a mild diuretic, so Zantrex-3 may increase frequency of urine output. Consequently, individuals with a medical history of kidney disease or renal problems should consult a physician before taking this supplement.

Psychological
The high amount of caffeine present in this substance may produce effects that involve nervousness with jitters, sleep problems and irritability. Changes in mood may occur as well as increased feelings of anxiety or panic. Individuals with anxiety or mood disorders should check with a physician before taking Zantrex-3.

Well all that just sounds awesome, doesn’t it? Irritability, excessive peeing, nausea, vomiting, general stomach discomfort. Honestly, Snooki may as well go ahead and get pregnant, since she’s so used to the symptoms, right? You know what’s scarier than a Snooki all amped up on glorified caffeine pills? Pregnant Snooki all amped up on glorified caffeine pills.

I shudder at the thought. Please, Zantrex-3, let’s maybe find out down the road that excessive use of your product results in the possibility of sterilization, OK? At least in this case?

January 27, 2012 at 4:30 am by Sarah

11Stars Without Makeup: Snooki!

A photo of Snooki

Whoa. Are you guys seeing this? Are you seeing what I’m seeing? Because what I’m seeing is that Snooki looks absolutely amazing without makeup. Like, this girl is positively gorgeous. She’s so gorgeous that I almost used the word “radiant.” This is blowing my mind.

If you’re not as astounded as I am, please keep in mind that the girl you see above usually looks like this:

A photo of Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi

Crazy, right? Underneath the pounds and pounds of bronzer, the totally unnecessary fake eyelashes, and that pale shade of lipstick that Snooki is so fond of but that I personally have never understood, this girl is such a looker. Why doesn’t she do this all the time? Why does she insist on piling on all that makeup when this is what she has going on underneath it all? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?

Ok, real quick though: I need an objective viewpoint here. Because, despite everything, I kind of love Snooki. I know that she’s pretty dumb sometimes, but … come on! I just think there’s something so likable about her. I wish we were friends so I could tell her to stop drinking so much and to stop getting dumb tattoos and to pick up a book. She would be like “thanks, sister, I’m getting my life together! What would I do without you?” And I’d be like “I don’t know, Snooks. I just don’t know.” And then I’d shake my head but I’d still give her a smile, and then we’d hug and go out for ice cream.

I’m sorry, what?

What I’m saying is that I need you guys to let me know if Snooki is as beautiful without makeup as I think she is.

January 19, 2012 at 4:30 am by Emily

4Snooki is Gearing Up for a Fancy Boob Job

photo of nicole snooki polizzi photos weight loss boob job pics
Jersey Shore‘s Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi was gracious enough to speak to E! Entertainment’s Marc Malkin earlier in the week, and in addition to discussing highlights of the upcoming season of her reality show, she also shared some “private” news: she’s going to go under the knife and get a brand-new set of knockers. Isn’t that awesome? Not only that, but she’s going to a “good” doctor (read: she’s going to go the bargain plastic surgery route and head to the back alley where co-star J Woww got her extraordinary gunshell tits done, and no I’m not joking):

“Very soon. Very soon,” Snooki told me earlier today when she and JWoww stopped by E! to promote Thursday night’s fifth-season premiere of their hit MTV reality show. “I hope in the next couple of months. “They’re a good size now, but I want them like this when I’m not wearing a bra,” she said, cupping and lifting her chest up. “I’m definitely taking her to my doctor,” JWoww said. “I’ll go in and get mine redone to make her feel better.”

Now, friends. Imagine this, OK? Just imagine what it’s going to be like once Snooki here heads back to da shore and starts drinking her sugar cane-laden alcoholic beverages again. Nature says that she’ll blow up an additional thirty pounds and there’s going to be Guido sadfaces for everyone. For crying out loud, she’s going to look like an Ooopma Loompa with an orange Goodyear tire around its neck. Come on. You really think those fake-ass tits are going to look good on shorty, here? Hell, I should think not. Yikes.

According to Snooks, however, you don’t need to worry about her repacking on the pounds: she’s not going to gain any weight, because she’s finally hit her “goal weight” of 98 pounds and doesn’t feel that her twenty-four year-old body’s going to change at all, ever again, from here on out. May as well start cutting it up and stuffing Vaseline-filled balloons in various places now while we can, right?

Lastly, this is probably something we should take seriously – it isn’t the first time that Snooki’s mentioned getting a chest augmentation. On December 15th, she Tweeted “All I want for Christmas is big knockers like @JENNIWOWW. Thanks Santa”.

What do you guys think – are you ready for a new, even MOAR improved Nicole Polizzi, or, like me, do you like your warthogs small and plump and orange instead?

January 5, 2012 at 10:30 am by Sarah