Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi

5 Best Transformations of 2011

photo of lindsay lohan before and after drugs pics
Yesterday we did the Top 5 Douchebags of 2011, so I thought it only fair to give credit where credit is due (even if the aforementioned “credit” is only on temporary loan, like most credit is and then the person in slot #2 shoots back to complete grossness, and not just partial) and acknowledge those celebrities who have done some good for themselves, yes?

#5 – Evan Rachel Wood
photo of evan rachel wood picture photos before and after pic
Amazing what not sleeping next to Marilyn Manson can do for a girl, huh? She’s almost attractive these days, if you can forget that she posed naked and bloodied while eating cake. And participating in sodomy.

#4 – Mariah Carey
photo of mariah carey pictures before and after photo
A lot of people thought that Mariah’s figure, at almost forty-two years old, was all but gone, and after having twins, most said that was the nail in the coffin. She sure showed them, mmhmm girl.

#3 – Jennifer Hudson
photo of jennifer hudson before and after pics
Unbelievable, right? Now if she can stop losing weight for five minutes, things might continue to be OK. Girlfriend doesn’t have another ounce to lose.

Jump in to see the top 2 transformations of 2011!

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Look Who’s All Skinny and Stuff!

photo of super slim snooki pictures bikini 2011 weight loss pics photos
So, I’ve said it before (and a lot of you gave me shit for it for some reason), but I’m going to say it again: I don’t care how much weight you’ve lost, Snooki, you’re still a disgusting human being. You’re as bad as Kim Kardashian, you’re just not nearly as rich and not nearly as “klassy.”

This’d be Jersey Shore‘s Nicole Polizzi, and look how far she’s come from her early days on the show: she used to be the dredge of the crew, the one getting punched in the face by ‘roided-up gym teachers, the one hooking up with other warthog-lookalikes, the one who was voted Most Likely to Wipe Out an Entire Jersey County via STD (I’m kidding about the last one, but really, I’m not). Now she’s writing books (although she doesn’t read them), tanning with Anderson Cooper, and posing for Christmas photos almost completely dressed. If that doesn’t rank at least a 6 on the Kardashian Klassy-Meter, then hell. I don’t know what could.

photo of skinny snooki bathing suit bikini monokini 2011 pics photos

Snooki and Her Duck Wish You a Very Merry Christmas

photo of snooki and jionni decorating a christmas tree 2011 pictures photos pics
I know Snooki probably wants us to think that there’s an “angel atop the tree” joke in this photo somewhere, but I’m too busy looking at her doofus boyfriend’s duckface. I didn’t even know dudes were allowed to make that face, let alone big, jacked dudes with presumably tiny penises. I mean, the steroids have probably done enough damage to his manhood and thus, his manhood-size self-esteem, so why would he want to do anything more to further encourage us to think he’s a complete simpering tool, unworthy of anything but … Snooki from Jersey Shore?

The Fifth Season of Jersey Shore Is Nearly Upon Us!

The last season of Jersey Shore was so intense, right? There was all that drama with Jionni, we got to see Snooki’s problem with alcohol become painfully obvious and undeniable (as if it wasn’t already, right?) and, possibly the best part of all, we got to see The Situation ram his head into a wall. The fourth season of Jersey Shore was not a joke. It came at us hard and fast, and it didn’t slow down. So the fifth season should be the craziest yet, right?

Well, if you watch the trailer, not so much.

It looks like the highlights this season are going to be Vinny going home for a couple days and Snooki hitting the Situation with a plastic baseball bat. And that’s so disappointing. I mean, if you watch the whole trailer you don’t see one second of Ron and Sam fighting. Not one! It almost makes me not even want to watch it when it premieres on January 5th on MTV.


Snooki Exfoliates with Kitty Litter

A photo of Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi

Wow. Uh, I sort of told the whole story in that headline. Snooki rubs kitty litter on her face as part of her beauty regime.

Oh, I could give you guys the priceless excerpt from Conan‘s show where we learn this lovely little tidbit:

Conan: “You give some very strange beauty tips in here. In this book, you say it’s acceptable to use cat litter–”

Snooki: “Clean cat litter.”

Conan: “Yes. I thought that would go without saying.”

Snooki: “Just making sure.”

Conan: “…On your face. As what? As an exfoliant?

Snooki: “Yeah, well, I definitely, um, like to Google a lot. And I don’t like to spend a lot of money on, like, spa treatments, just because I’m, like, a cheapo. So I Googled what else I could use that’s, like, not so expensive, and it was… cat litter.”

Conan asks, “Isn’t cat litter, like, a strong chemical?” and Snooki looks as though this would never occur to her. She shrugs and says, “I haven’t broke out at all yet,” and Conan quips, “I guess that’s good enough for the FDA.”

You know, I knew that Snooki was a little off, that she had some unconventional beliefs and all, but I think this one takes the cake. I’ll buy that she actually thinks she could be on The Office and, even though it causes me so much pain in my soul, I’ll accept that she doesn’t know who JK Rowling and Maya Angelou are, but this? Kitty litter on the face?* I can’t, Snickers, I just can’t.

*I did try to pull a Snooki and Google this to see if it was an actual thing, and all I could find out was that Christie Brinkley uses kitty litter in a pinch. That still doesn’t make it ok.

Love It or Leave It: Snooki’s Mega-Poof

photo of snooki in new york city with mario lopez pictures photos pics
Looks to me like Snooki‘s becoming quite the caricature of herself, huh?

I also love that absolutely no one is fazed by her presence. It’s like no one even cares. It’s like she’s as famous as Mario Lopez or something. I’m actually beginning to think that if I happened to see Snooki walking down the street at me, that I’d probably do my best to avoid even the most polite of eye contact, and instead of throwing her into the gutter where she belongs like I’d like to, I might actually take the high road and not try to contaminate myself with whatever funky disease she’s got that’s definitely contracted through slurred, flying spittle.

Quotables: Style Icon Chloe Sevigny Disses Nicky Hilton; Also, Seems Kind of Obsessed with ‘Jersey Shore’

Photo: Chloe Sevigny works the catwalk at the Opening Ceremony Resort show

“I read somewhere that Abercrombie & Fitch offered to pay The Situation not to wear their clothes—but who am I to say who should be wearing mine? I do remember someone saying that… what’s Paris Hilton‘s sister called? Isn’t it Nicky or something? Anyway, she apparently talked to someone about my first collection, and was like, ‘I don’t get it.’ I was like, Good! I’m glad she doesn’t get it. It’s not for her. Besides, what’s there to get with clothes? So if Snooki wants to wear my clothes, go for it. I think she’d look a lot better in them.”

—the imperiously icy Chloë Sevigny, who has a new fashion line (via CeleBitchy). No, I know; I promise you’ll have a lot more fun with the quote if you read it to yourself in this voice.

But what is Chloë really trying to say here? Do I detect a barely-veiled attack on Nicky Hilton? Here, let me run that quote through my Mean Girl Translator. Ah, yes: Sevigny said, “I have been obsessed with Nicky Hilton ever since I overheard her complaining about the way I dress. Now I will pretend like I can’t even think of her name. Nicky? I’m sorry, Nicky Who?”

I see, too, that Chloë would be willing to selflessly sacrifice her style credibility if it only meant she could get Snooki out of that awful leopard print. Also, Chloë seems to know an awful lot about the Jersey Shore cast, don’t you think?

What else did Chloë say about Jersey Shore?

“I think it’s really depressing that people are propping these people up as celebrities. The way they behave is embarrassing, and I think it’s kind of diminishing our culture. Most reality TV people behave like pigs, and it’s unfortunate that they get put on pedestals for doing so.”

But! She also said,

“I have to admit, I do find that JWoWW sexy in a really weird way. It’s like that sexy, dirty kind of girl—not dirty, but like a hot mess. We’ve all gotten too drunk and acted crazy at parties, but I don’t maintain that and I’m kind of fascinated by those girls who do.”

Of course! The “Hot Mess” appeal, right. Don’t worry, Chloë, it’s OK to feel conflicted. I actually know exactly how you feel!

For instance, on the wall of my office, I have tacked up a Uniqlo poster* of Chloë—oh, what is she called? Chloë Sevigny or something? Yeah, her. I can’t explain it, but she is bizarrely magnetic. She acts like a total space alien. And I mean, I don’t maintain that, but I’m kind of fascinated by girls who do.

*I am really not kidding. She is posing fiercely with a comparatively complacent Tadanobu Asano, and something about the whole thing really tickles me. Oh, Chloë! So yeah, it’s very much on the wall in the other room.