Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Nick Jonas

Kristen Stewart Is Planning Her Stage Debut While I Plan On Giving Up On Humanity

A photo of Kristen Stewart at the MTV Movie Awards

Kristen Stewart is currently talking to some producers and directors about the possibility of doing some theatre on London’s West End after her whole Twilight business is wrapped up.  She hasn’t decided what play she wants to be in yet, but the producers have given her some plays to peruse.  I had trepidations about this whole affair, but then I read this illuminating quote she made to Vogue:

“Unlike movie acting, you have to deliver the whole performance there and then. You live it every night.”

And now I’m completely disgusted.

This is the same issue I had with that Jonas Brother in Les Mis. I don’t care if someone started doing theatre when he was in the fucking womb and spent his infant years doing small regional theatre gigs before being the Phantom of the Opera on Broadway at the tender age of five, the minute you become someone who makes hoards of preteens obsess over you, stay out of theatre*.  You’re just going to make people who actually want to see a play pissed off because a large portion of the audience would scream when you try try to heart-wrenchingly sing “Empty Chairs at Empty Tables,” Nick Jonas.

But Kristen Stewart in a play is so much worse than Nick Jonas in a play.  Because I know that Kristen Stewart can’t act.  Not even a little bit.

*By the way, it was cool when Daniel Radcliffe did this in Equus because there weren’t tons of parents willing to take their impressionable young daughters to see some dude getting all naked and horny over a horse.

Seriously, Nick Jonas?

A photo of Nick Jonas at the Bloomberg/Vanity Fair Party

Sorry about all the theatre updates (both of them), but this is preposterous.  Nick Jonas is going to be Marius in Les Miserables on the West End.  And if those specifics don’t mean anything to you and therefore don’t make you laugh hysterically like I did, then I’ll just say a Jonas brother is doing a musical and leave it at that, and hopefully you can have a giggle.

I’m not a big fan of the JoBros, I don’t know if you could tell.  But I am a huge fan of Les Miserables, and if I got a ticket to see this show and some stalkerish preteen fangirls were all screaming for Nick Jonas while he’s trying to sing his beautiful Marius songs in Act II, I would not be pleased.  I get pissed when people text during shows, but if there were Jonas Brothers crazies next to me?  I just shudder to think, I really do.

Keep it on the Disney channel, Nick Jonas.  Keep your shit contained.

Joe Jonas Does it By Himself

joe jonas performs onstage

… And with his ever-present purity ring, would you expect it any other way?

Yeah. Anyway. Joe Jonas claims that he’s going to release a solo album, so it looks like the days of the JoBros are quickly coming to a close:

“There’s nothing to hide. We’re just waiting for the right timing. There’s a lot of Jonas stuff going on this year, so once there’s a place for that record, we’ll release it. You’ll hear a lot of new music from us.”

See, when I was a much younger girl, I loved Hanson. I mean, I fucking loved Hanson. I was one of those pathetic little fangirls that’d get all crazy when I saw televised appearances of the flaxen-haired singing trio and I’d cry if I’d see them in person (which I did, many, many times). I was sick; it was a sickness. I went to their concerts, made scrapbooks of news articles that I had clipped from magazines and played their music, like, incessantly. It was bad, and it’s embarrassing now, but I can really feel for the girls who are so wrapped on the Jonas thing — it’d be like Isaac (yeah, my totally favorite dorky-assed Hanson that I so would have married at the age of thirteen) announcing that he was leaving the band back in 1995 or whatever. I’d have been devastated, so I totally feel you kids of today’s world. I feel you.

Nothing Gold Can Stay

This is a horrible way to start my day with you, dear readers. I hate to tell you this, but Selena Gomez and Nick Jonas AKA Sick AKA Nelena are no longer an item. According to a source who spoke to People, anyway. Has this been the hardest news week ever or what?

The source says that the 17-year olds split because of their hectic work schedules. With Selena in Europe all summer making a film and the JoBros sweeping the globe with another one of their hard-hitting and non-stop tours, there just wont be time for the two to spend time together. They went on to tell the magazine, “it’s evident to everyone that they will always have a super strong connection.” Obviously.

If Selena and Nick can’t stay together because of work, does the same fate await Jemi? Is this The Summer of Death Part 2, The Remix?

P.S. If you guys like to wallow in the sadness of a break up the way I do, click here and just do you for two. It’s OK to cry. Let it out, girl.

Kevin and Nick Jonas Found a Body on The Beach

…while filming a scene for their television in Malibu! Uh! Got you guys! LOL! You really thought they found a dead body on the beach and I waited until roughly 2:30 in the afternoon to post about it? Please, homegirl has SOME journalistic integrity. I know that the JoBros fumbling around with a dead body on the beach would be a way bigger story than the Vicki Gunvalson adulterous make-out story. Jeez! Anyway! Check out these photos. Kevin looks like a dork.

This is Why We Like Selena Gomez

Selena Gomez, as far as young female starlets go, does not offend me in the slightest. She seems really sweet and she’s a UNICEF ambassador and then last night she went and covered a song by the original Selena during her show at the San Antonio Rodeo. The real Selena, Selena Quintanilla-Pérez, is one of my favorite people ever. For Selena Gomez to pay homage to her and bring her music to the attention of a new generation of possible fans is very cool. Also, ummm… is that her on-again boyfriend Nick Jonas holding it down on the side of the stage?

Girls Will Always Love Weird Looking Teenage Boys

Nick Jonas has been performing shows with his band The Administration in my neighborhood all week. In fact, if I climb on my bathroom counter and stick my head out the window and turn my head left, I can kind of see the venue where he was performing last night. As you can imagine, my street has been flooded with little girls and tweens all week waiting to catch a glimpse of the youngest JoBro, and so I can’t help but wonder “What is the hype with this dude?” Nick Jonas is not attractive. He’s not “sexy”. He’s not interesting musically. On paper, there’s no real reason little chiquitas should be flipping their shit over this kid. Then I saw this video from his show this week and I realized: Girls love weird-looking teenage boys. It totally doesn’t matter if celebrities are actually cute or just some version of cute when you’re 13. Yeah, I think Nick Jonas kind of looks like a Pound Puppy in the face, but I was in love with Taylor Hanson, so who the hell am I to talk? Do you remember how many girls had the hots for Howie from Backstreet Boys?!? Howie!?!

That’s why we have to love our tweens, man. They love so purely. They see Nick Jonas, and they don’t even know what to do with themselves. An old broad like me needs James Franco waved in front of her face to show signs of a pulse. That’s a shame. Let’s celebrate the spirit of tweens today! I love you!