Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj don’t get along, in case you hadn’t noticed – though chances are you have, since they seem to always be at each other’s throats during every American Idol broadcast and Nicki won’t stop trying to fan non-existent flames on Twitter. Turns out, that’s sorta the producers’ fault, as they really egg the bickering on – this according to Mariah’s husband Nick Cannon.

Nick stopped by The Talk on Monday, where he was of course asked about his wife, since no one cares about what he’s doing.

“It’s kind of unfortunate. I ain’t got time for that … When you see someone like my wife, who tries to remain classy and tries to take the high road, it feels like everybody else around it — including the network and the producers — feed into this whole sound bite drama. It feels like it lacks substance.

“You can’t even blame Nicki Minaj or her team. I feel like they fed into that. They wanted to see the drama. I think America in general is tired of seeing the mean judges and people be mean to people. They’re over it … In the book of Mariah Carey, American Idol will be a footnote.”

That’s true enough – American Idol is going to be a footnote in pretty much everyone’s lives, except for like, Kelly Clarkson and probably Simon Cowell. Why can’t this show just die already?

As for the “feud”, I’ve aired my thoughts before. Nicki needs to sit the hell down and know her place and Mariah just needs to get off this sinking ship. (I seriously typed “sinking shit” accidentally, at first.)

Nobody needs to even bother messing with my girl Zooey Deschanel – she’s adorable. Go ahead and try to deny it! Pretend she’s too twee or too hipster or too whatever for your tastes, and then get with the program and realise she’s cute and get over it. Anyway, Fox News apparently didn’t get the message, nor did Kansas-based closed-captioning service Caption Solutions, who falsely identified her as the Boston bomber last week, as you probably remember:

It was by far the weirdest – and outright stupidest – mistake I’ve seen Fox make in a while. Well, no, I take that back. I just kinda don’t understand how it happened to begin with. But no matter! Caption Solutions has come forward and offered Zooey a formal apology. Because, you know, this is that big of a deal (it totally isn’t).

From The New York Post:

The Kansas-based Caption Solutions says it and its captioner “deeply” regrets the snafu. In a statement, company president Kala J. Patterson said they “sincerely apologize for this error.”

The onscreen text appeared last Friday on KDFW in Dallas-Fort Worth during their coverage of the manhunt for a Boston bombing suspect. Accompanying a photo of accused suspect, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, was a caption that read: “Marathon Bomber. He is 19-year-old Zooey Deschanel.”

Viewers noticed Deschanel’s name and quickly posted screen grabs of the gaffe.

When Deschanel learned of the TV captioning blunder, she tweeted: “Whoa! Epic closed captioning FAIL!”

It’s a slow news day, leave me alone.

Selena Gomez never has much of anything interesting or intelligent to say (but she DOES have amazing hair), so it’s no surprise that her latest interview on the Elvis Duran in the Morning Show consisted of a lot of words with very little meaning. The gist of it, if my listening skills are correct, is that she wants the fun parts of fame and not the bullshit ones and everyone should just leave her alone, especially when it comes to her relationship with ex(?)-boyfriend Justin Bieber. But let’s hear it in her own words, shall we?

“I’m in my 20s. I wanna have fun [now]. I wanna enjoy my life and not have to worry about every single thing.”

“I think I’ve actually given enough of myself, if that makes sense. I feel within my music, and even how I handle myself in interviews, people think they know, but they really actually don’t… In a way, I like to keep myself a little bit private, but at the same time people do assume things.”

So, you are private but you still give info but you’ve given enough info even though people think you haven’t? Or something? I mean, I’m not a total imbecile and I do get what she’s going for here, but was there not a more succinct and direct way of going about it? Lord. I feel like I’m reading my journals from when I was 14.

Amanda Bynes gets so high she can speak a secret language [The Superficial]

Alan Rickman is directing Kate Winslet in a new movie! [Lainey Gossip]

Kate Middleton shows off her baby bump – what little of it there is! [Starpulse]

Sylvester Stallone’s dog gets killed by a coyote – yikes! [Elite Daily]

Pierce Brosnan turns 60 – would you believe that? [Celebitchy]

Meghan Wiggins looks a whole lot like Kendall Jenner [G Celeb]

Look at that – Caroline Flack’s clothes are see-through! [Taxi Driver Movie - NSFW]

Zooey Deschanel gets an apology from the closed captioning service [The Frisky]

Demi Moore and Cher were in the same place so they took a picture together [Socialite Life]

Oh, snap! VV Brown has a new song and it’s pretty good [OMG Blog]

Want to look like Heidi Klum? Well, too bad – but you can get her hair [Yeeeah]

Kim and Kanye go out for dinner, because why not? [I'm Not Obsessed]

Mark Wahlberg is totally up for a Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch reunion [StarCrush]

Lindsay Lohan has a new boyfriend for now [IDLYITW]

Candice Swanepoel gave New York City a special treat this week [MoeJackson]

Well, Rose McGowan certainly looks different [ICYDK]

Nina Agdal dances nearly nude for Esquire [Drunken Stepfather - NSFW]

Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne have had a tough go of things lately and are living apart, which we recently found out is a result of Ozzy’s relapse back into drug and alcohol use. They’re not headed for a divorce or anything, but understandably, things have been pretty hard for them as a couple and for Sharon in particular, who discussed it on The Talk on Tuesday.

“Everybody knows he’s been struggling with this his entire life and I never knew that he was using prescription drugs,” she said. “I knew he was drinking occasionally, but I didn’t realize to what extend. It’s our business — we’re dealing with it. We’re not getting divorced. However, am I happy? No. Am I upset? Yes, I am — I’m devastated right now.”

If you haven’t heard about The Bling Ring yet, I’ll give you a short synopsis. It’s Sofia Coppola‘s movie about the true story of a teenage burglary ring who broke into the homes of several celebrities in the Hollywood Hills. What’s not to love? Emma Watson stars as Nikki, the leader of the girl gang, in a totally refreshing role that’s a far cry from Harry Potter, that’s for sure.

Israel Broussard, Katie Chang, Leslie Mann, Claire Julien, Georgia Rock and Carlos Miranda are also in the movie, which is coming out June 14 in the US and I have to be honest, I can’t wait to see this shit.

If you want to know Emma’s thoughts on the movie, here’s a few – she basically hated her character but “relished” the chance to play someone so amoral and selfish. Hurrah!

“When I read the script and I realized that essentially it was a meditation on fame and what it’s become to our society, I had to do it.

“The character is everything that I felt strongly against – she’s superficial, materialistic, vain, amoral. She’s all of these things and I realized that I hated her. How do you play someone you hate?

“But I found it really interesting and it gave me a whole new insight into what my job, or my role as an actress, could be.”

Anyone with an internet connection and a few minutes to waste has read the insane sorority girl email that hit the internet last week from University of Maryland Delta Gamma member Rebecca Martinson, and with good reason – it’s f-cking hilarious. But as these online sensations tend to do, it got old pretty fast and no one really cared. That is, until Boardwalk Empire star Michael Shannon came forward with a dramatic reading of the letter for Funny Or Die.

Michael Shannon is an amazing actor who’s criminally underrated, so he was the perfect choice to portray the deadpan, extremely mental tone of the words, naturally. Chances are you’ve probably seen this already, too, but it’s that good, we couldn’t not post it.

Gwyneth Paltrow is a picky, borderline unhealthy eater. Talking about this is sort of like beating a dead horse. I’m sorry, a dead kale.

But she makes it. So. Easy. Especially because she’s always ready with an anecdote involving one of her many celebrity friends. I get why she was voted #1 most hated celebrity.

She blathered on and on for The Guardian:

I hung out with Leonardo DiCaprio when I moved to New York. He was vegetarian and he’d talk about how dirty meat is and how bad factory farming is. I haven’t eaten red meat in 20 years and although Leo’s not totally responsible he definitely planted a seed. When I turned seriously macrobiotic, it coincided with my father having been diagnosed with cancer [in 1999]. I felt I could heal him by proxy.

I didn’t really start cooking until I quit university to try to be an actress and was working as a hostess in a fish restaurant. At 19 I cooked my worst meal ever. I only had aubergines and a jar of tomato sauce, so I thought I’d make eggplant parmesan but didn’t have a cookbook. I made this hideous mess of bitter, burnt mush. But I served it. We were all starving, so we had no choice.

No. Shut up shut up shut up. You only had “aubergines”? And you were “starving” and had “no choice”? Cannot. Even.

I’ve lived in England for 10 years and the accent is the most beautiful in the world, except for how you pronounce pasta as pass-ta instead of pah-sta. I’m sort of joking when I say this but I really don’t want my children speaking that way.

Yes, heaven forfend.

Eating while filming a scene is the worst thing, because you have to keep eating the same thing all day long. You’ll notice that most films with food the actors aren’t actually eating, but I try consciously to eat to make it real, but most of the time I’ll spit it out to avoid feeling sick. I’m sure there must have been eating scenes, especially playing a 330lb character in Shallow Hal, but I don’t remember that film well to be honest.

I’m really sorry that the hardest part of your job is having to eat.

Are she and Morrissey friends? I’m trying to figure out which one of them would annoy the other one more. What’s especially unfortunate is that sometimes Paltrow can actually come off as a normal person that you can relate to. It’s just not consistent. Which is why I think most people think she’s especially annoying.

Reese Witherspoon, America’s Sweetheart or whatever, was arrested with her husband for drunk driving and disorderly conduct. And unlike Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan, Ms. Witherspoon knows how to give good statement. Her publicist is very smart. Her statement, via TMZ:

Out of respect for the ongoing legal situation, I cannot comment on everything that is being reported right now. But I do want to say I clearly had one drink too many and I am deeply embarrassed about the things I said. It was definitely a scary situation and I was frightened for my husband, but that was no excuse. I was disrespectful to the officer who was just doing his job. The words I used that night definitely do not reflect who I am. I have nothing but respect for the police and I am very sorry for my behavior.

By “the things I said” she was referring to the classic “do you know who I am/what my name is” line.

I’m not saying let’s throw her a parade for saying exactly what someone should after being arrested for drunk driving, but I’m saying it’s refreshing to see a celebrity own up to their mistakes and take full blame. Unlike Lindsay “It Was Totally My Assistant’s Fault, Swearsies” Lohan.

Their separate hearings are scheduled for May 22 and 23 in Atlanta. Sorry for the quality of that mugshot, it’s the best one that’s out there right now that isn’t the side by side one with her husband.

Here’s some photos of Witherspoon and Mr. Witherspoon leaving their NYC hotel yesterday (August 21), right as the DUI news was about to burst. She looks smug as hell, but take a photo at the right time and anyone can look like anything.

Khloe Kardashian got dumped by X Factor, probably because she is not entertaining and doesn’t provide anything interesting to anyone in any way ever. From MTV:

Producers have confirmed that the Kardashian sister will no longer host the series, but co-host Mario Lopez will be back for another go-round. “We really enjoyed working with her and wish her all the best in her future endeavors,” a spokesperson for the show said in a statement.

Classic breakup line. Classic.

Simon Cowell said that he’s excited to welcome [Mario] Lopez back to the show along with returning judge Demi Lovato. “I’m thrilled Mario is back for season three of ‘The X Factor.’ Hosting a live show and keeping the judges — especially Demi — in line is not an easy job, but Mario is a pro and we are glad he’s coming back,” he said.

The network has not revealed whether someone will replace Kardashian or whether the show will revert to a single-host format. British TV presenter Steve Jones hosted the show solo when it premiered in the U.S. back in 2011.

Maybe she can go cry about it on her mom’s new talk show.

Tara Reid, of American Pie movies and lots of awful publicity, got into a bit of a tough spot when the employees at All Saints clothing wouldn’t give her a discount or free clothes. From Page Six:

The “American Pie” star was seen shopping at edgy Brit brand All Saints last week when she was overheard berating employees for refusing to give her a discount because of her “fame,” and then was booted, spies said.

“She was screaming,” said a source. “She had to be escorted out by security. She seemed drunk.”

The trouble began when Reid — star of upcoming TV movie “Sharknado” with Ian Ziering—arrived at the Robertson Boulevard store where, a spy said, “She said she needed an outfit for Coachella.” But, the spy added, she “demanded a discount.” When the store declined, Reid insisted she deserved the break “because of her fame,” a spy said. She then “began to scream at them and was escorted out.”

I had to look up Sharknado. Sharknado appears to be a film about sharks and tornados. Possibly sharks in tornados. The poster is a shark in a tornado with the tagline “ENOUGH SAID.” I think I need more, but okay. Moving on,

A rep for Reid told us that she was with her C-list client during the incident, and that we’re just not on “Team Tara.”

“Tara gets a huge discount with All Saints in the UK and Paris because she’s a walking billboard for them,” the rep snapped. “She gets photographed . . . so they give her huge hookups. We told them we get a discount, and they said they’d email the press team.”

The rep added Reid was in a dressing room when a salesperson then came in to tell her she’d been denied. “Tara didn’t think it made sense and asked them to check again,” the rep said.

The store offered to hold Reid’s items for her, according to the rep, and Tara left empty-handed, on her own steam.

As far as Reid’s state in the store: “She was definitely not drunk. People love to say Tara’s hammered and this and that . . . whoever is saying that is not on Team Tara,” the rep said.

“Team Tara”? And you’re a publicist? And someone pays you to say these things and release these statements and the best thing you can come up with is some Regina George bullshit about not being on “Team Tara”? Is this so f-cking fantastic, from now on, I will only refer to Tara Reid as Team Tara, (but it’s not like I’m going to get that opportunity a lot, let’s be real here.)

Hey, Team Tara?

From People:

Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber‘s relationship appears to be back on – again!

The Spring Breakers star traveled to Oslo, Norway to be with the pop star, who performed a concert there Thursday. And the two have left no doubt that their romantic flame has reignited.

“They were holding hands, hugging and they kissed on the lips,” a source tells PEOPLE. “They looked really in love, like no fights ever happened before. It definitely looked like they were back together.”

We know Selena went to Norway because there were pictures of her at the airport in Oslo, but I want to believe she’s smarter than this. Then again, maybe I should expect less from the girl who hides from celebrities she likes.