0But What Does Octomom Think About Tanning Mom?

You’ve heard what all of your friends on Facebook had to say about the Tanning Mom. You’ve heard what Snooki had to say about the Tanning Mom. But you know what you haven’t heard? You haven’t heard the most important public opinion yet. But all that’s about to change, because Nadya Suleman, the mother of the century, the Octomom herself, has given her opinion about Tanning Mom, and here are some of the things that she had to say:

Just days after an expectant Snooki called her a “crazy bitch,” Octomom (real name: Nadya Suleman) shared her thoughts on Tanning Mom’s poor parenting skills.

At first, Suleman–who famously gave birth to octuplets after undergoing in-vitro fertilization in 2009–admitted she was hesitant to pass judgment on a fellow mother.

“I want to give all moms the benefit of the doubt,” Octomom told TMZ this week. “Who am I to judge anyone else?”

Upon hearing more details about the story, she quickly changed her tune.

“I would never even fathom [taking a child tanning],” Suleman said. “That’s unfathomable to me.” Citing the psychological as well as the physical harm done to Tanning Mom’s child, Suleman added, “You’re teaching [her] to define your worth by your reflection in the mirror. I don’t do that. I’ve never done that.”

Griped the mom of 14, “If [Child Protective Services] comes to Octomom’s house, they should definitely go to her house, and they should mandate parenting classes for her, for sure.”

In court Wednesday, Krentcil, 44, pleaded not guilty to second-degree child endangerment. “I never once in my life let my daughter, especially at that age, go into a tanning both,” she told an Essex County judge.

The five-year-old is now in the custody of her father, who admitted to NBC News his daughter–who was noticeably sunburned–boasted to a classmate she “went tanning with Mommy.”

Ok, wait, so Nadya is telling Patricia Krentcil that she needs parenting classes? That’s what we’re hearing here? The lady who’s currently masturbating on camera just so she can get money to pay for the fourteen children she had without considering anything about how she’d be able to provide for them is telling the mother that took her five-year-old child into a tanning booth that she needs parenting classes. Is it just me, or is something about pots and kettles coming to mind?

May 14, 2012 at 6:30 am by Emily

4Octomom Tries Not to Gag

In possibly the scariest thing I’ve seen all night, Nadya Suleman takes the “Cinnamon Challenge.” (If you don’t know what that is, it’s when you try to ingest an entire tablespoon of cinnamon in less than a minute.) You know you’ve all done it. Don’t be foolish and pretend you haven’t tried it at least once. … Real talk? I never have. For sure. But I think I could kick its ass. I know everyone says it’s impossible, but I’m willing to indulge my morbid curiosity to find out. I’ll let you know how it turns out*.

Thing is, though, we’re not here to talk about me—we’re here to talk about the Octomom and how damn creepy she is, spouting poufs of cinnamon into the air and grunting and groaning and gagging and snarling … I don’t know. I’m pretty terrified right now. I might not sleep tonight. This might almost be as bad as the porno stills we got our hands on yesterday, and folks, if you haven’t seen them? They’re bad.

Have you done the cinnamon challenge? Is it even possible?

*Fifteen minutes after this post ran I tried it. And all I’m going to say is that I’m blowing cinnamon out of my nose and it is, by far, one of the most horrific feelings I’ve ever experienced. My mouth sure feels fresh and clean, though.

May 8, 2012 at 5:30 pm by Sarah

9View at Your Own Risk: Octoporn Stills and Learning Experiences

You guys all know that Nadya Suleman’s doing a solo porn in order to bail her broke ass out of debt, right? Well here are a few photos to confirm what we all suspected from the beginning—Octomom’s sex tape is going to be creepy as hell, and you should be creeped out to know that you live in a world where this is happening—maybe right as we speak.

The Octomom appears in various stages of … I’d say “undress,” but somehow I can’t choke the word out from behind the large brick of vomit I’m trying to swallow down, and she’s not necessarily “undressed,” as it were, but guys, the prompted visuals from looking through these photos is going to haunt me for …. well, gosh, at least for the rest of the decade.

Check them out, and like I said—don’t say I didn’t warn you. Here’s more eye-poison to prime the pump. No pun intended.

From the Huffington Post:

“My first shoot was amazing,” Nadya tells me. “Such a learning experience for me in so many ways. I don’t think I could have asked for a better crew to work with. They were so patient and willing to teach me. I owe a lot to Wicked Pictures contract star Jessica Drake; she opened my eyes to a whole different world of self-pleasure that I could have never imagined. They made me look so glamorous, and for the first time in my life, I felt beautiful and sexy. I’m very excited for it to come out!”

The video, directed by adult film star Brad Armstrong, is scheduled to be released in mid-June by a major online adult entertainment company. At the shoot, Nadya also posed for a set of photographs in which she’s seated at the head of a long table, her body covered with SpaghettiOs.

“For the pictures, we had her topless with a thick sparkly red choker with a big red heart in front and red and white polka dot panties … like 1950s style,” an insider tells me. “SpaghettiOs were all over her body and she’s even throwing the SpaghettiOs toward the camera. The label on the can was changed from SpaghettiOs to say ‘Saucy Octos.’”

Oh. My. GOD.

May 7, 2012 at 3:30 pm by Sarah

8The Octoporn is Coming Along Quite Nicely

From TMZ:

Nadya Suleman completed her first day of XXX shooting at a porn mansion in the San Fernando Valley on Thursday … and we’re told things couldn’t have gone better!!!

We’re told Octo appeared nervous when she arrived to the home … but after chatting with some other porn stars who were at the house, she seemed to calm down.

Before the shoot, producers decided it would be a good idea to screen some porno flicks for Octo as an educational tool … so to speak.

But when it was time for Octo to get down to business … with herself … one source on the set tells us “She was a natural … she looked great!!”

Oh dear God. GOD. God in heaven. First, did you guys know that Nadya Suleman is doing a masturbation film, and not a full-contact porno? Because that’s what it is. And I think that see a Nadya Suleman masturbation flick might be worse than seeing Nadya Suleman having sex with someone, because at least if she were having outright sex with another person (male, female; I don’t even care at this point), it’d at least be possible that she’d be covered up by the other person’s body at some point in the film, and we wouldn’t be exposed to Octopussy or Voldemort or any of the other majorly frightening aspects of Nadya Suleman’s more personal regions.

Are you guys interested in seeing this? Be honest!

May 5, 2012 at 7:00 am by Sarah

7Surprise: Octomom Is Doing Porn!

Nadya “Octomom” Suleman has refused to do porn, time and again. It’s sort of her thing. She was offered one million dollars to do a porn back in 2009, her heyday, and in 2010 she got an offer to star in her very own smutty film, and in exchange, she’d get her house paid for in full. And then, just a month ago, Octomom received another offer to do three hardcore sex scenes for $100,000 because her “market value has diminished.” Of course, she did do that topless shoot, but that was different.

This time, though, Octomom is doing a porn for real. Except she doesn’t think it’s a porn because it’s just going to be her by herself. Yeah, wrap your head around that for a minute.

From TMZ:

Octomom may be declaring bankruptcy, but she’s still very much the master of her own domain.

Octo has signed on to do a masturbation video … TMZ has learned.  She’s hooked up with an online adult entertainment company and will shoot the video this summer.  It will be released shortly thereafter — not a lot of post production, we’re told.

As for how much she’ll make, it’s hush hush, except we’re told, “It’s a lot more than the $10,000 she made for posing topless.”

You’ll recall Octo once vowed never to do porn, but she’s saying she doesn’t consider a masturbation video porn, because it’s a solo mission.

What do you guys think about this?  I can kind of see what she’s talking about a little bit in that I’m sure there would be a difference between having sex with some random person and just getting down with yourself.  But this is still porn, right?  I just Googled the definition of porn, and I got “printed or visual material containing the explicit description or display of sexual organs or activity,” so yeah, this definitely counts.  Even if there’s no one else there, you’re still showcasing all your business in a sexual manner.

I think this is also especially interesting considering this comment that Octomom made earlier in April:

“I won’t touch other human flesh,’’ Suleman said. “The only flesh I’m touching is my own. I would never, never accept anything. I will not lose my grip of my deeply indoctrinated morals and values. Every choice we parents make is going to significantly affect our children for the rest of our lives. It’s going to haunt them forever. I have to be the ultimate positive role model.’’

So did she already have this deal planned out? She did say “the only flesh I’m touching is my own.” I don’t even know. It seems odd though that less than a month ago she was talking about how she has to be “the ultimate positive role model,” and now she’s going to be jerkin’ it* on film. Whatever pays the bills, I guess.

Oh, just by the way, did you hear that she’s actually getting $4,000 to $5,000 a month in public assistance instead of the $2,000 a month we heard before? So that revelation along with the masturbatory news, that seems a tiny bit fishy, doesn’t it (LOL)?

*Do you still refer to mastubation as “jerkin’ it” if you’re referring to a lady? I do!

May 1, 2012 at 6:30 am by Emily

6Octomom Gets to Keep Her Kids AND Her Awesome Hair

Hey, remember how Octomom and her kids were living in a total mess of a house? There was only one working toilet for 15 people so her kids were using training potties out in the backyard, there was graffiti all over the walls inside, and she locked her kids in a bedroom while she got her hair did. Excellent parenting, right? Because everything sounds wonderful and lovely and just swell, according to Children Services. Well, according to Children’s Services via Octomom.

From TMZ:

The Orange County Department of Children and Family Services will NOT be taking away Octomom’s children — this according to the mother of 14 herself, who tells TMZ, they came to her house today … and just gave her a “clean bill of health.”

Three DCFS workers showed up moments ago at Nadya Suleman’s Orange County home — and according to Octo, the trio gave her a rave review … despite theshocking living conditions in her home.

Octo called in to TMZ Live, saying, “[DCFS] said it’s a very suitable environment for these children.”

Even crazier, Octo claimed the DCFS workers were actually impressed with her parenting skills — telling us, “They can’t even believe that I can do what I’ve been doing.”

Can you believe that? Really, can you believe it? I could maybe see that DCFS would be busy attending to families who physically abuse their children or families with rampant drug use and decided that poopin’ in the backyard wasn’t a huge deal at the moment, but I don’t think anyone would say “oh wow, Octo, you’re doing an awesome job! Way to lock 14 kids in one room, I wouldn’t have even thought of that!”

But ok, I know what you, me, and Octomom are really worried about: her hair. Will she be forced to spend her money on providing for her children and lose her luscious locks? Could she actually have to forget all those expensive treatments and products and cuts to appease the powers that be?

Nah, she totally scored on that front too:

Brazilian Blowout — the company behind the hair procedure Octomom dropped hundreds of dollars on while on welfare — is MORTIFIED by Octo’s reckless spending … and now, it’s hatched a plan to make things right with taxpayers.

BB CEO Mike Brady tells TMZ, “We want to make sure that California taxpayers’ money is not going to anything other than taking care of [Nadya Suleman's] children. We don’t want to see those kids miss out on anything at the cost of a Brazilian Blowout.”

So, a rep for the company tells us, BB is offering to reimburse Octomom the entire cost of her recent Brazilian Blowouts — plus other hair treatments — totaling $520.

But that’s not it — BB also wants to give Octomom free blowouts in the future at the company’s salon in West Hollywood … so she’s not squandering her limited cash supply on luxury goods. BB will even cover the cost of a sitter while the mother of 14 is getting primped.

To top it all off, BB is offering to pay to fix Octo’s toilet — which might finally allow her kids to poop inside. One can only dream.

See?  Everybody wins!

April 27, 2012 at 4:30 am by Emily