Ok, I’ll be honest with you: that’s not exactly what she said. Octomom didn’t just come right out and say that she’s interested in masturbating on camera again. But she did allude to it, and I still think it’s very possible.

First things first – did you know that Octomom’s porn just won an award? It was announced Best Celebrity Sex Tape at the AVN Awards, which is actually kind of a big deal. Huffington Post asked her about it, and here’s what she had to say:

“Seriously, it has not sunk in yet. This is fantastic — what an honor. Hopefully, this award will open doors to more opportunities. I’m proud I did this movie. It helped me grow into a woman. ‘Octomom Home Alone’ is a true reflection of my intimate side. I am excited to have the award. I am trying to figure out where I will put it.”

And when they asked if she had any other pornos up her sleeve, she said “as of right now, no. But you never know.” Which, of course, means yes. Right? If you genuinely didn’t have any other plans, you’d just be like “nah, I’m done,” but that coy little “you never know” always makes me think that I do know, and this time, the answer is yes.

Do you think the world can even handle this?

Last summer, Octomom was supposed to do this stripping gig. I mean, she did one, as you can see, but she was supposed to do a different one. She cancelled because one of the employees of the club said that she “must be a little crazy,” then the club tried to sue her for backing out of the deal. It was a whole big mess. You remember.

But Octomom made a deal with the poor, scorned strip club, and come Valentine’s Day, all debts will be paid. With boobs.

From TMZ:

Octomom’s 2013 is shaping up a lot like 2012 … weeks after signing up for welfare (again), the mother of 14 has inked a deal to shake her naked ta-tas (again) — but swears this is the last time.

Sources close to Octo tell TMZ she getting paid $20,000 to do a topless strip at T’s Lounge in West Palm Beach, FL. We’re told it’s all part of a deal she worked out with the lounge to settle their ongoing legal beef.

As TMZ previously reported, T’s sued Octo last year for breach of contract after she pulled out of a similar gig, claiming she wouldn’t strip after the employees trash-talked her to the media.

According to our sources, Nadya and T’s worked out a deal last month. We’re told the club agreed to drop the suit and Octo agreed to perform four paid shows in February (14th-16th). We’re told lap dances are not on the table … just stage dancing and bartending.

Gotta get their money’s worth.

This is it, friends. Get down to Florida this Valentine’s Day. Octomom will make it worth your while.

From TMZ:

It’s only been five months since Octomom got off welfare, but TMZ has learned the honeymoon’s over for your tax dollars — because she’s back on government assistance.

Sources close to Octo tell TMZ, Nadya Suleman signed up for welfare again this week after her October rehab bills devoured most of her savings.

We’re told the mother of 14 will be getting $1,800 a month for food, $1,000 for emergency cash, as well as Medi-Cal benefits to help with mental heath and dental issues.

According to sources, Octomom only plans to use the welfare money while she gets back on her feet — or on her back.

TMZ broke the story … Octo went on welfare last March, but was able to get off guv assistance in July … the result of a pile of cash she scored from stripping and masturbation porn.

Well, here we are again. Right back in that uncomfortable place where Octomom shouldn’t get so much assistance for making a very, very poor decision, but her huge brood of children shouldn’t suffer for their mother’s emotional problems. Oh, and where we all know that it’s only a matter of time before she does something really awkward and sad to make some fast money. I didn’t think we’d be back here so soon, but I guess there’s no use in thinking about that now.

Is the world even ready for another Octoporn?

That right there is a preview of the very first music video from The Roctuplets. What’s that? You’ve never heard of The Roctuplets? That’s because they just hit the scene a couple of days ago. But we best get familiar with them quick, because with this kind of sound, they’re going to be around for a long time.

Nah, I’m not here to make fun of these kids. I’m here to make fun of Octomom, the mother of these kids. I’m sure she’s the manager of The Roctuplets, and she’s already got their first single up on iTunes, probably because those weird stripping gigs weren’t bringing in enough money to pay for their fancy new house. And I’m sure that she’s working just as hard as she can to get them a record deal and live gigs and even more videos.

But none of them look into it, do they? It seems like most of the video is made up of the kids singing or rapping or whatever and looking at the camera, or just slightly above the camera, with a look in their eyes that just screams “Mom, why are you making me do this, you’re so embarrassing!” And that’s sad.

But be sure to buy this song on iTunes, all right? I bet Octomom probably needs new extensions by now.

Wow, that could mean a lot of things, couldn’t it? And all of them are really scary. By saying that Octomom pulled a LeAnn Rimes I could mean that Octomom developed a really strong addiction to Twitter, or that she suddenly became really, really skinny and got weird breast implants, or that she became fixated on a married man and started an ongoing mission to marry him herself and to play mommy to his children with his ex. Scary, right?

Fortunately, none of those things happened. No, when I say that Octomom pulled a LeAnn Rimes, I mean that even though she’s definitely in rehab, working on her issues and being super serious about it, she’s also flying across the country to perform silly jobs. Just like LeAnn!

From Radar:

Nadya “Octo-Mom” Suleman doesn’t seem to be taking her rehab stint very seriously, because it turns out the mother of 14 has been in Tennessee filming a spoof video, RadarOnline.com is exclusively reporting.

According to the source, Nadya was filming a shoot with Cledus T. Judd, a country music artist known for his parodies of popular songs.

“Nadya has been in Tennessee since at least Monday where she’s filming a spoof in which she gets married to Cledus,” the source said.

“She was extremely annoying to everyone on set and her crazy laugh scared all the geese off!”

RadarOnline.com has obtained an exclusive photo of Nadya on the set of her shoot and has confirmed with a hotel in Pigeon Forge, Tenn. that Nadya is there right now.

The insider reveals that while Nadya is supposed to be in rehab, she was paid $1,500 to do the shoot and her airfare and accommodations were also paid for.

“It’s interesting that Nadya’s son filed a restraining order by a member of her manager’s team stating that Suleman is unavailable due to being in rehab,” the source said. ”When really, she’s just off making money and taking a break from her kids!”

Instead of talking about how Octomom is in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee, which means that she’s just a little under two hours away from me, and instead of making a plan to head down that way so that I can show her around and take her to Dollywood, I’m just going to be like “ugh.” LeAnn obviously didn’t work on her problems, just like Octomom obviously isn’t working on hers. It’s even a little more serious, because while LeAnn went to treat her issues with stress and anxiety, Octomom went to treat her issues with pills and booze. She was in rehab for barely a week when she left, which is probably not enough time for her to be able to refuse pills and booze while she’s filming a music video and up in a hotel with no kids to take care of.

But girl, for real, check out Dollywood!

Who could forget this charming story? One of our very favorite famous fathers, Michael Lohan, was in charge of sending one of our very favorite famous mothers, Octomom, to rehab. Michael claimed that Octomom’s manager reached out to him and told him about Octomom’s problem with Xanax, and Michael was like “no problem, I got this.” He staged her intervention, and he set up a treatment program for her.

Except apparently this never happened.

Here’s the statement from Octomom’s rep:

“Michael Lohan’s only participation in this was that he gave me a number to a California rehab. [The TMZ story] also said that Michael and I arranged the treatment, which is not correct. Nadya wanted to check herself into treatment and came to me for help and I got her in.”

Right? But here’s what Michael said about that:

“I was contacted by Gina Rodriguez [Octomom's rep] to put together a TREATMENT PLAN and FACILITY for Nadya! Those things only! The most important thing is the willingness to realize and surrender to the issue and commit to getting help! Nadya was willing to!”

So it sounds like someone’s fibbing here, doesn’t it? And after this little exchange of statements, Octomom herself took a brief break from rehab to make her own:

“I chose to seek treatment after consulting with my manager regarding my recent use of Xanax, which was prescribed by my physician for panic attacks. There were no other people involved with me entering treatment other than my manager and myself. There was no intervention that took place. I am working in therapy every day with my doctors and therapists regarding the origin of these attacks so as not to have to rely on medications to handle it. I am paying for my own treatment; I am finding my voice here.”

This forces us to ask a very tough question: who is more trustworthy, Michael Lohan or Octomom?

Can you imagine a world in which there is any connection between someone like Michael Lohan and Octomom? It would be like a world in which there’s a connection between Amanda Bynes and Courtney Stodden, or between that crazy unpredictable friend who drinks too much from high school and that crazy unpredictable friend who drinks too much from college. It’s a world where things don’t make sense, where forces can come together and the ramifications are terrifying.

This is the world that we live in.

From TMZ:

He failed miserably at getting Lindsay Lohan to enter rehab — but Michael Lohan was one of the main reasons Octomom is now getting help for drug abuse … because he personally arranged for her treatment program … TMZ has learned.

Michael tells us, he’s been running a nonprofit organization based in Florida for the last nine months that stages interventions for people in need of substance abuse treatment … and so far, he’s already performed over 25.

Sources close to Michael tell us, Octomom’s manager recently voiced her concerns to him about the mother of 14′s Xanax dependency — so Michael decided to take action last week, making arrangements for Octomom’s treatment program.

According to sources, Octomom’s team — with Michael’s help — then staged an intervention, and Octo agreed to get help.

Michael tells us, “The most important thing is the willingness to realize and surrender to the issue and commit to getting help, which Nadya did!”

He adds, “If it wasn’t for her manager Gina, my good friend, Tim Chapman at the Chapman house/Teen savers and Gina’s daughter, this would not have been possible. They deserve a lot of credit!”

Octo’s currently in a 30-day in-patient program, but she still gets to call her kids twice a day.

Thank you so much, Michael. You are the patron saint of making awful choices, never learning from them, and then teaching people from your mistakes that you never even understood. Never change. Unless you change in every conceivable way.

TMZ has obtained correspondence between nanny Gina Bryson and the Orange County Dept. of Children and Family Services … in which she claims on June 28, Nadya ran to her crying, claiming she found her oldest son watching porn on his phone.

The nanny says the 11-year-old had found the website that posted his mom’s masturbation video and decided to sneak a peek. The nanny says Octo handed her the phone and asked her to block the site, but when the nanny said she needed a passcode, Octo told her to forget it.

UCK. Seriously—UCK. Tell me that is not way f-cking creepy. You know, I get that young boys (and girls) are curious or whatever when they’re starting to head through puberty, and with the rampant availability of porn on the internet coupled with an absentee mother who’s too busy capitalizing off of the fact that the looks like Angelina Jolie dipped in battery acid, I can understand that a kid might get into doing things that said kid maybe shouldn’t. But why would the same kid want to look up HIS MOTHER of all people? And don’t say curiosity, because I know that if *my* mother had a pornographic tape floating around out there, it’d be the last damn one I’d be seeking out.

Talk about one messed up family, Lord.

From TMZ:

Nadya Suleman has checked herself into rehab for a prescription drug problem … leaving her 14 kids without a mother for 30 straight days … TMZ has learned.

A rep for Octomom tells us … Nadya admitted herself into the Chapman House Drug Rehabilitation Center in Southern California over the weekend after acknowledging she’s become dependent on  Xanax … an anti-anxiety drug … which she began taking to “deal with stress.”

Suleman’s rep tells us, “Nadya wanted to get off the Xanax she was prescribed by her doctor and learn to deal with her stress, exhaustion and anxiety with professional help with a team of doctors. Nadya wanted to deal with her issues and make sure she is the best mother she can be.”

As for the kids … we’re told Nadya is using 3 nannies and 2 friends to divvy up the child care duties. She also has a driver  to take the kids to and from school.

Neither Nadya’s mother nor father have been tapped to care for the kids.

We’re told Nadya can afford to pay for treatment by herself — because she’s been making a ton of money from her porn career — but the rehab facility offered to pick up the tab anyway.

Well, this is kind of unexpected. Not that she went to rehab, that part’s awesome – when you’re a single mother with fourteen kids, I imagine you have to be in your best shape possible – but her drug of choice. She’s always seemed kind of unbalanced, you know, with the whole crazy pregnancy thing and all, but Xanax? I thought people who were addicted to Xanax just kind of sat there and nodded off. Is that wrong? I would have thought she was more of an uppers girl. But then again, maybe she got addicted to being chill, which would have been a problem with her before. Because she has fourteen f-cking kids.

Get well soon, girl! For real though, work on your issues because, no shame, but you’ve got a lot of them.

Right? I mean, obviously the house is new, but what about her face? It’s nothing drastic, but when the camera zooms in, it kind of looks like she got Botoxed to the max. Is that just me?

The house is nice though, so that’s good. Hopefully it will be a good long while before she has her kids pooping in the backyard again. Either way, I’m mad jealous of that playroom. Can you imagine having a playroom like that as a kid? Wouldn’t it completely blow your mind? I imagine it would be less cool having to share it with your thirteen brothers and sisters, but still.

On a completely unrelated note, I can’t even wait until this weekend to show you this picture I took of my cat:

The vet won’t neuter him until he’s nine months old. No judgement.

You see that picture? You see what Octomom is doing up there? She’s pretending to breastfeed a couple of baby dolls. Because that’s what Octomom did on Friday night: she went to a drag show in New York, popped out her titties, and breastfed baby dolls.

She also let the baby dolls get a few sips of vodka before she started her main event: a clip from her porno flick.

But hey, here’s another photo of that breastfeeding:

Where is this woman’s Mother of the Year award? Presented for her mothering of the baby dolls, of course, not her actual children.

I’m sure you remember those awful abuse allegations made about Octomom that I told you about yesterday. It was horrible, it was sad, and part of it was not all that surprising.

But today, we’re learning that the D.A. is like “psh, whatever,” Octomom’s current nanny is like “psh, whatever,” and pretty much everyone besides the former nannies that made these claims are like “psh, whatever.” Or, more specifically, the D.A.’s office isn’t pursuing the case at all because of “insufficient evidence to warrant further action,” and Octomom’s current nanny said that the whole thing is “BS.” Well said, current nanny.

So this is good news, right? TMZ even has photos of Octomom’s new house, and it’s not nearly as bad as her old house. So she’s getting things together, isn’t she? This is just one of those cases where people make false claims about famous people to get publicity. I really, really hope this is the case.