106Let’s Take a Moment to Talk About Nick Jonas, Shall We?

So there’s a story on People.com today about how Selena Gomez wrote one of the tracks on her upcoming album about current beau Nick Jonas. “It’s about a boy I kind of fell for, but he couldn’t let his ex-girlfriend go, and it was really difficult … The song is basically me saying that I’m sorry that it didn’t work out or that she used to be who she was. But you have to let me in and you have to know that I’ll do everything I can to make you happy and be the best I can be,” says Selena.

Meanwhile, a couple weeks ago, there were stories about how Miley had written her hit “7 Things” about the very same Nick Jonas.

Now, as a perfectly healthy, well-adjusted 26-year-old woman, I am, of course, intrigued and semi-obsessed with the two 15-year-old girls fighting over an equally 15-year-old boy. I follow every article, every catty YouTube video, every half-hearted apology, every bitchy T-shirt, because that’s a perfectly understandable thing for a grown woman to be doing. I don’t, however, give a shit about Nick Jonas or the Jonas Brothers, because — come on — I’m a grown woman.

And, so, when, every now and then, a photograph of Nick Jonas crosses my path by sheer accident, I kind of do a double-take. Like, “There must be some mistake. That’s clearly not Nick Jonas.” I mean, if you look up the word “goober” in the dictionary, you’re going to find this kid’s mug staring right back at you. He looks about ten years old, while Miley and Selena look about twenty-two.

When I think back with fondness on the days that Lindsay and Hilary were battling it out over Aaron Carter, I’m like, ya know, at least he was hot for his age. I get that.

And I’m sorry to sound like Jerry “Shoe Shower” Seinfeld here, but what’s the deal with Nick Jonas?

Someone please explain.

September 5, 2008 at 7:36 pm by Evil Beet

93Tickets to Miley Cyrus’s 16th Birthday Will Probably Be Less In-Demand Than Tickets to Her 18th Birthday

Dude, when Miley Cyrus turns 18, I’m throwing a party. Food and liquor is on me. I will fund it with the money I will make from the naked pictures of her that are sure to be all over the Internet within a month of her 18th birthday.

But until that happy day, Miley is selling tickets to her 16th birthday party — at $250 a pop!

The bash will take place at Disneyland in late November, and tickets go on sale August 30.

Doesn’t a ticket to Disneyland cost $250 anyway these days?

August 21, 2008 at 12:36 pm by Evil Beet

13New Miley and Mandy Video!

Did someone bring homemade brownies to the office today? Did you eat like five of them? Are you feeling really disgusting and guilty about it right now, but just can’t bring yourself to go to the bathroom and put your finger down your throat?

Good news!

You don’t have to induce your own vomit today.

Miley Cyrus and BFF Mandy Jiroux are here to do it for you, with their new environmentally friendly YouTube video, instructing the youth of America all about how to go green.

Green with nausea?

Done and done!

August 20, 2008 at 12:18 pm by Evil Beet

65SOMEBODY GET ME A TEAM MILEY T-SHIRT

The Jonas Brothers added fuel to the Selena-vs-Miley feud this weekend, as eldest bro Kevin left his NYC hotel wearing a “Team Demi and Selena” t-shirt.

God, I looooooooooove this feud!

It’s breathing new life into gossip.

TEAM MILEY ALL THE WAY, BEYOTCHES!!!

Seriously are they selling these shirts at Kitson yet OR WHAT?

I NEED ONE!

August 11, 2008 at 1:54 pm by Evil Beet

69Miley Cyrus Finally Fesses Up to Dating Nick Jonas

After years of denials, Miley Cyrus has finally admitted that she did, in fact, date Nick Jonas of the Jonas Brothers.

“We became boyfriend and girlfriend the day we met,” Miley says in the September issue of Seventeen Magazine. “He was on a quest to meet me, and he was like, ‘I think you’re beautiful and I really like you.’ And I was like, ‘Oh, my gosh, I like you so much.’”

“Nick and I loved each other,” she says now. “We still do, but we were in love with each other. For two years he was basically my 24/7. But it was really hard to keep it from people. We were arguing a lot, and it really wasn’t fun.”

After they broke up at the end of 2007, she says, “At first I bawled for a month straight. I was so sad. I just went into this weird funk. And I dyed my hair black. When we were dating, Nick wanted me to get highlights – and so I did that, and I got myself looking great. And then, on the day we broke up, I was like, I want to make my hair black now – I don’t want to look pretty; I want to look hard-core. I was rebelling against everything Nick wanted me to be. And then I was like, I’ve got to be by myself for now, and just figure out who I really am … Maybe he’ll be my best friend for the rest of my life or maybe I’ll end up marrying Nick Jonas!”

You know, I have to be honest, this is a fairly mature, brave and articulate expression of the termination of a long-term relationship. I remember dying my hair brown because the guy I was dating preferred brunettes, and, the minute we broke up, I ran to my hairstylist like “Blonde! BLONDE BLONDE BLONDE! RIGHT NOW!” So, although it’s kind of frustrating that my behavior in my mid-20s is the same as the behavior of a 15-year-old, I still felt a sense of kinship reading this.

Nick’s currently carrying on with Selena Gomez, but I have a feeling this drama is not yet complete.

August 7, 2008 at 8:24 am by Evil Beet

348Yes Of Course There Were More Miley Cyrus Pics Leaked

From the same source as last time.

You know, if this is the worst of it, I actually have to give Miley some credit for keeping her pants and some manner of shirt on at all times.

Are there worse pics hanging out these somewhere? I don’t think anyone could technically sell completely nude pics of Miley, since she’s underage. Maybe they could sell them to someone overseas? I dunno. I still couldn’t run them.

Anyway.

Enjoy.

August 2, 2008 at 10:42 pm by Evil Beet