No joke, I almost put a frowny face at the end of that headline. You were about to read about how Miley Cyrus Parks in Handicap Spots :(, all right? That’s how strongly I feel about this.

Ok, Miley, listen. I know you’re a busy girl. I know you have really important things to do like smoke lots of weed and talk about stars. I respect that. But would it really have been so hard for you to park in a spot that wasn’t designated for handicapped people? I mean, you parked here to go to your pilates class. Wouldn’t it be neat to extend your workout a little by walking a few extra steps? And speaking of neat, wouldn’t it be neat to not take the space of someone who could have actually needed it?

Besides, you’re not the kind of person who parks in handicap spaces, Miley. You’re just not. You know who is that kind of person? Chris Brown. Chris Brown parks in handicap spaces, which is just one item in the long, long list of things Chris Brown screws up. You don’t have that kind of list, girl. Well, ok, you do, but I’m pretty sure there are no felonies on it. No, there’s a difference between enjoying a little experimentation with drugs and totally disregarding the needs of others, and you just stick to that first category, you hear? No bath salts though.

Really, it’s just frustrating to me because I don’t understand it at all. You have legs that work, there is nothing that is physically preventing you from walking a short distance. Why does this even happen? Is it laziness or carelessness? Do people say “yeah, this is kind of a shitty thing to do, but whatevs, I’ll be in and out, no problem,” or is it more like “I see you crusin’ in, grandpa, but you can wheel your ass in the Walmart from the back like everybody else!” or possibly something like “OMG, y’all, I need two soft tacos and a Baja Blast and I need it now!” Somehow I feel like in Miley’s case, her thought process is more like that last one.

What do you guys think?

If I was Miley Cyrus, I’d probably be a little worried too. After all, her longtime beau, Liam Hemsworth, is about to become a star alongside Jennifer Lawrence in the Hunger Games movies. And, as I mentioned a couple of days ago, Jennifer Lawrence is pretty magnificent. And also Liam and Jennifer have been texting! How can Miley ever hold her head high in this town again?!

From In Touch via Celebitchy:

Miley Cyrus’ worst fear was becoming a harsh reality. While cudding up to her boyfriend of nearly three years, Hunger Games hunk Liam Hemsworth, the former teen queen couldn’t help but notice that her man’s hands were clutching his phone. “Miley saw that he was texting his co-star, Jennifer Lawrence,” a friend of the 19-year-old tells In Touch. “She was livid!”

While it would have annoyed Miley to see Liam, 22, texting any woman late at night, the jealous star’s blood boiled to learn that he was chatting with the beautiful, talented Jennifer. “Miley is threatened by Jennifer’s career and confidence,” the friend explains. And it’s hardly surprising: Miley’s latest film, The Last Song, tanked at the box office, while Jennifer’s role in the 2010 drama Winter’s Bone scored her an Oscar nomination. “Jennifer has replaced her as Hollywood’s It Girl,” says the friend. “And now Miley’s terrified that she’ll replace her as Liam’s girlfriend, too.”

Unfortunately for Miley, the scenario is all too likely. After filming their roles as young lovers in the sure-to-be hit film The Hunger Games, Liam and Jennifer, 21, became very, very close. “Jennifer’s an incredible person and ridiculously talented,” Liam recently gushed to In Touch. And with the sequel, Catching Fire, already slated to begin filming this fall, their relationship will have another Miley-free opportunity to blossom.

Now, a desperate Miley is grasping at straws to keep Liam interested. “She’s telling him she wants to have his baby,” the friend reveals. “Miley is not going to let him go so easily!”

“Liam, dammit, come on now,” Miley said exasperatedly, taking a long sip of her Diet Mountain Dew to steady her nerves. “What do you want, huh? You want me to take you down to the Dollywood? You want me to change my titties? Do you want to put a baby in me? Hell, Liam, just tell me what I need to do to win back your love from that jezebel!” Miley punctuated her tirade by throwing an empty jar of moonshine at the wall behind Liam where it shattered, showering pieces of glass on a flabbergasted Liam. “Now I need you to hush and get in the bed,” she told him, then left the room in a huff.

You guys, after the Hunger Games movies are over, do you think I could write the next big thing?

“I think the hardest part for Liam was being away from me. … At least he’s not in a tour bus and is in a nice hotel somewhere. It’s a little less bumpy, a little more sleep.”

Miley on her boyfriend Liam finally wrapping filming on The Hunger Games. Isn’t she so sweet and unassuming? I wonder how Liam felt about Miley making him sound like the biggest sop ever! I know girlfriend’s this big great thing and all, but jeez. A little modesty might do everybody some good occasionally, you know.

Anyway, with regard to The Hunger Games, Liam claims that he’s thrilled that the film “doesn’t suck,” but come on. How could it? From MTV:

“Originally, I had told everyone that I was going to go see it on my own. It’s always pretty nerve-racking, seeing it for the first time, especially because there was so much expectation around it. I really didn’t want it to suck,” Hemsworth said. “I feel a lot better now. I’m very, very proud of it, and I think it’s an extremely powerful film. I feel a lot more at ease than I did before seeing it.”

Will you guys be seeing the movie? Moreover, did you read the book? Like Emily, I haven’t, but I’ll definitely be getting on that before I see the film.

“The amazing thing is that every atom in your body came from a star that exploded. And, the atoms in your left hand probably came from a different star than your right hand. It really is the most poetic thing I know about physics: You are all stardust. You couldn’t be here if stars hadn’t exploded, because the elements – the carbon, nitrogen, oxygen, iron, all the things that matter for evolution – weren’t created at the beginning of time. They were created in the nuclear furnaces of stars, and the only way they could get into your body is if those stars were kind enough to explode. So, forget Jesus. The stars died so that you could be here today.”

Oh my. Oh, my God. I mean, wasn’t Miley, like, raised in the Bible Belt? Where is the Bible Belt, anyway? Wait. Let me do a quick Google search. Yes. Yes, she was. She was born in Tennessee, and the Bible Belt apparently extends throughout most of the southern-southeastern United States. WHATEVER ARE HER FANS GOING TO THINK? Hell, what’s Daddy Billy Ray going to say? He’s probably choking on his chewin’ tobacky as we speak!

Let’s take a look at this, though, shall we? The quote? It’s not an original Miley Cyrus, folks, and yes, I know: I was disappointed that girlfriend couldn’t coin the “forget Jesus” phrase, too. Can you imagine how that would have come across to her hordes of fans that are hometown-representin’ Bible Belters? No, the quote belongs to Lawrence Krauss, a physicist who wrote a book called The Physics of Star Trek. Deep, right? Yeah, anyway, she just quoted him and, of course, pissed off a lot of people in the process, especially since Miley’s been a self-professed Christian for … well, awhile. Remember this quote?:

“A lot of people mocked me—they said, ‘What happened to you? You used to be a Christian girl!’ And I said, ‘Well, if you were a true Christian, you would have your facts straight. Christianity is about love.”

That was Miley, defending her stance on gay marriage, claiming that she supports it despite being a Christian.

Girl, I don’t know, but if I were you? I’d be watching my back. There’s people out there like Kirk Cameron, and if that doesn’t scare some ‘sense’ into you, heck. I don’t know what will.

And no, it’s not a green one this time, guys. Remember all that ‘green bra’ business? You have no idea how many hits this site got for ‘Miley Cyrus green bra pictures‘ back in the day. Come to think of it, you have no idea how many hits this site still gets for ‘Miley Cyrus green bra pictures’ to this day. It’s like, come on. Someone seriously has pedophile-like tendencies to still be searching for those green bra photos, because her stage costumes have been way, way racier now that she’s all legal and what not.

Here are a few photos of Miley herself, leaving pilates, I’m told. And I have to ask – why in God’s name is she wearing that kind of bra to a pilates class? It doesn’t look very comfortable, and it doesn’t look very supportive, so is it more a fashion statement than anything? Is it a fancy new kind of sports bra that looks all cutesy and lacy, but it’s actually … I don’t know, useful?

Lately, though, Miley’s Twitter has been all the talk – she’s hit a massive amount of followers, but her very own boyfriend, Liam Hemsworth, is not one of them. God, what the hell, Liam?:

“Wow you guys are so awesome. Thank you to my followers,” Miley tweeted on Wednesday. Interestingly enough, her boyfriend, Liam Hemsworth, is not one of those 5 million. The Hunger Games actor is quite popular but he tends to stay away from the fanfare and craziness of online media. Miley has also been known to take a break here and there and it seems as though they are both on the same page when it comes to things like that.

And in even crazier news, Miley’s been subjected to a string of violent death threats via Twitter, too. No, I don’t know why, either. It’s not like she’s claiming to be pregnant with Justin Bieber’s baby or anything:

She furiously demanded that they [Twitter administrators] enforce special security measures after several haters urged her ‘to die’ and attacked her clothing choices.

Miley Cyrus urged Twitter chiefs to implement new safety settings after receiving a series of threatening messages. The Hannah Montana star Tweeted Sunday night in response to a now-erased post from @TheCyrusSlut: ‘I’m surrounded by love I’m sorry 4 whatever happened 2 make u so bitter.

She added to a different follower: ”I won’t tolerate someone telling me 2 die.’
She then wrote: ‘I think Twitter needs to take some responsibility and make it a safe environment.’

Anyway, that’s just about all that’s going on with sweet Miley these days. And just for you green bra-loving perverts out there (and those who are reading this article right now because you still have a Google alert set for ‘Miley Cyrus green bra’), cheers:

Wait a second. Why was Miley even at the Oscars? That’d be like … I don’t know, LL Cool J at the … Grammys? Oh. Oh. Never mind. I get you. Alright. And what’s that? She may not have actually been AT the Oscars, just at Sir Elton John’s viewing party? Makes total sense then, I guess.

Anyway. All preconceived notions aside, Miley (though there were tons and tons and tons of very unimpressive dresses in attendance at last night’s awards – I know; I didn’t watch, but I did check out the fashion at 4 this morning after I eked my way down the stairs, step by step by step) was by far the best-dressed of the night. She looks like a real movie star, and I’m not talking about actresses who do movies whose titles are also overused acronyms that need to be put to bed once and for all.

But seriously! The hair! The dramatic red lipstick! The trophy boyfriend! Does it get any more Hollywood classy right here, folks? Our girl Courtney Stodden previously mentioned that she wanted to bring back “old” “classy” Tinseltown, and I think maybe – just maybe – if she took a few pointers from Miley here, the two of them could put their heads together and really get the damned thing done, don’t you think?

Photos courtesy of Socialite Life