Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino

Snooki And The Situation Both Hosted Events This Weekend

Ok, put yourself in this Situation (gross, LOL!). It’s Labor Day weekend, you’re looking to cut loose a little bit, so you decide to head out to the club. When you stroll on in, you notice that a reality star is right at your nightspot, stealing the show! Who would you rather this reality star be?

1. The Situation
2. Snooki
3. Taylor Hicks

If you go with The Situation’s club, you get cocaine and boners everywhere, if you go with Snooki, you get pickes and predictions about the economy, and if you go with Taylor Hicks, then, well, what’s wrong with you?

Let’s Talk About Jersey Shore and Clothes

A photo of the cast of Jersey Shore, sans Deena

As if you’d ever look to Jersey Shore for fashion advice!

Youth clothing outlet Abercrombie & Fitch offered money to the Jersey Shore cast to not wear Abercrombie’s clothing. Yeah, like that’d make my 15-year-old self more likely to wear one of Abercrombie’s dumb T-shirts.

Then, after the company advised Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino to stop wearing its threads, Abercrombie’s stock fell by 7.5%. Ha!

“If [Abercrombie] Don’t Want Us To Wear Those Clothes,” Pauly D wisely tweeted, “Why Make GTL Shirts?” Sure enough, Abercrombie has been making bank on Jersey Shore‘s popularity! Nice catch, Pauly!

Best of all: King of the whole brouhaha is castmate Vinny Guadagnino—he’s the brand-new spokesman for Phillips Norelco.

Wow! Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino Will Hit on ANYBODY

Jesse Eisenberg and Mike Sorrentino on Leno 8/9/11

Last night, Mike Sorrentino and Jesse Eisenberg were both guests on Leno—Sorrentino was promoting the new season of Jersey Shore, of course, while Eisenberg was out in support of his new comedy, 30 Minutes or Less.

So when Jay Leno asked Sorrentino to illustrate his pick-up lines on, say, young Mr. Eisenberg, Sorrentino was only too willing.

And since none of us watches Leno, I’ll just post the clip! Here’s the Situation, demonstrating his command of the Italian tongue (heh):

A transcript of Mike Sorrentino’s sweet nothings:

Leno: OK, let’s suppose that Jesse is an attractive Italian woman—what would you say? Jesse, sitting and minding his own business, having a drink at the bar, what would you say?

Jesse: [reaches for his coffee cup]

Mike: Um, I would have to say—

Jesse: [sips demurely]

Leno: You see? See, the perfect actor, having a drink.

Mike: You know what? I would have to say, “Ciao, signorina.” That means, uh, “Hello, miss,” in Italian.

Jesse: I, uh, I don’t think I would respond to that.

Leno: Really!

Mike: Yeah, and then I’d go—I would proceed to “go in,” which means I would go in for some sort of compliment. And I would say, “Che dolce,” which means, “You are sweet.”

Jesse: [mumbling] Oh, yes.

Leno: I like that. OK.

Mike: And from that particular point, “Andiamo alla casa!” Let’s go to the house!

Meet The Situation’s Dad!

This is Frank Sorrentino. You might find his charming demeanor and touching way with words familiar – you should, because he passed those gifts right along to his son, The Situation.  As far as I can tell, here’s what happened:  The Situation’s dad was in a tight spot with money, he asked his surprisingly successful son for some help, and The Situation told him “go be like a regular fuckin’ Joe Blow and go on welfare.”  And then The Situation’s dad decided to make a website and a YouTube channel to talk mad shit about his son and his son’s friends.

So far, Frank has predicted that Italy will shun the heathens, revealed that in his pre-Shore days The Situation got a blow job from some lady at work and then tried to sue the company for sexual harassment, and called Ronnie a “fuckin’ fag” for crying over Sammi and Snooki a “4’11″ piece of shit.”

The moral of the story is that the totally classless yet somehow entertaining apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

Caption This

photo of the situation holding a baby pictures

Don’t forget, starting officially on April 1st, we’ll have weekly ‘Caption This’ contests that result in real, live prizes. Pull out your funniest and stick ‘em in the comments if you’re interested in some cool shit.

This past week’s winner on the Christina Aguilera photo:

Winner: Maxx
“C, I think you have a point. Sadly, she still looks like she has a family of worms living in the underside of her legs.”

1st Runner-Up: Anne
“Christina fought hard and won the role of playing Snookie in the new bio-epic of the cast of Jersey Shore.”

2nd Runner-Up: Alicia
“If I suck in reeeal hard, and push the rolls up to where boobs should be, and throw some stank on this look I’m givin’ … awww hell, Ke$ha took my girdle to the beach, yuins guys!”

The Situation Was SO FUNNY on Donald Trump’s Roast Last Night!

A photo of Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino at Donald Trump's Roast

Did you watch it?  If you did, then you know that Donald Trump definitely wasn’t the belle of the ball – that honor belongs to The Situation.  His jokes for Donald and the rest of the roasters were not only hilarious, they were also followed by a touching and graceful message of respect and admiration for all involved.  Oh, wait, that wasn’t The Situation?  His segment was riddled with boos and he he had to be rescued by Jeffrey Ross?  That doesn’t seem right to me.

Maybe The Situation looked so bad on TV last night because Comedy Central edited out some of his best jokes:

“Yo Snoop, what up dawg … you know you have so much in common with Donald Trump? Trump’s ancestors were into real estate … and your ancestors were considered property.”

“I’m not from New Jersey … I was born in Staten Island which is a New York borough … not to be confused with the burro Marlee Matlin blows onstage in Tijuana … Relax, she didn’t even hear it … I mean hey, at least her mouth is good for something right? Hey, that was definitely some great work Marlee  … have you ever done anything else actually?”

“Trump is a good looking dude … if your eyes are like Marlee Matlin’s ears.”

Sarcasm aside, too far, The Situation. Whatever happened to all your inspirational words, and why couldn’t you spare a few for beautiful Marlee Matlin?

Is The Situation Doing Coke Off Of His Jesus Piece?

We’ve known for awhile now that there’s some drug use going on in the Jersey Shore house, and today ForkParty.com pointed out that it may have been going on right in front of us.

Check out the screen grabs in the gallery and tell me that it doesn’t look like Ronnie’s ex is doing a bump of the devil’s dandruff off of The Sitch’s cross. If it wasn’t the odd, “Oh, what? Us? We’re just smelling his crucifix!” thing they have going on in the first two photos, it’s the quick exit/nose wipe combo that follows that gives them away.

Doing drugs in the middle of a nightclub when a full camera crew is with you is pretty dumb, but have you ever hung out with a cokehead? They’re shameless folks who will stop at nothing to get their fix. They’ll do it anywhere.