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Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino

3The Situation Is Not Cool Enough to Cut in Line for An iPhone

A photo of Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino

Cool enough to munch on a gigantic ice cream sundae, sure. Cool enough to snort cocaine off his crucifix, no doubt. But cool enough to get the new iPhone before everybody else? Not so much, The Situation. Not so much.

What happened was that yesterday in Las Vegas there were all these people waiting in line at an Apple store to get that newfangled phone. Everyone was all a tither, jonesing for their new gadgets, when The Situation decided that he was too cool for school and moseyed on ahead of everyone else. An Apple employee was like “excuse me, Sitch, but you ain’t no Jason Bateman,” and he was kicked out. No neat phone for Mr. Sorrentino.

I don’t know if you can tell, but I don’t get into all this Apple business. I have a PC, my phone just texts and calls people, and why the hell would I have an iPad? I don’t get the craze, so at first, I was just laughing at The Situation here. But then I realized that waiting in line for the new iPhone is to some people what waiting in line for a new Harry Potter book was to me, right? So now I think that he needs to pay for what he did.

Any ideas on how?

October 17, 2011 at 3:30 pm by Emily

1Snooki And The Situation Both Hosted Events This Weekend

Ok, put yourself in this Situation (gross, LOL!). It’s Labor Day weekend, you’re looking to cut loose a little bit, so you decide to head out to the club. When you stroll on in, you notice that a reality star is right at your nightspot, stealing the show! Who would you rather this reality star be?

1. The Situation
2. Snooki
3. Taylor Hicks

If you go with The Situation’s club, you get cocaine and boners everywhere, if you go with Snooki, you get pickes and predictions about the economy, and if you go with Taylor Hicks, then, well, what’s wrong with you?

September 4, 2011 at 5:00 pm by Emily

2Let’s Talk About Jersey Shore and Clothes

A photo of the cast of Jersey Shore, sans Deena

As if you’d ever look to Jersey Shore for fashion advice!

Youth clothing outlet Abercrombie & Fitch offered money to the Jersey Shore cast to not wear Abercrombie’s clothing. Yeah, like that’d make my 15-year-old self more likely to wear one of Abercrombie’s dumb T-shirts.

Then, after the company advised Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino to stop wearing its threads, Abercrombie’s stock fell by 7.5%. Ha!

“If [Abercrombie] Don’t Want Us To Wear Those Clothes,” Pauly D wisely tweeted, “Why Make GTL Shirts?” Sure enough, Abercrombie has been making bank on Jersey Shore‘s popularity! Nice catch, Pauly!

Best of all: King of the whole brouhaha is castmate Vinny Guadagnino—he’s the brand-new spokesman for Phillips Norelco.

August 18, 2011 at 5:30 am by Jenn

5Wow! Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino Will Hit on ANYBODY

Jesse Eisenberg and Mike Sorrentino on Leno 8/9/11

Last night, Mike Sorrentino and Jesse Eisenberg were both guests on Leno—Sorrentino was promoting the new season of Jersey Shore, of course, while Eisenberg was out in support of his new comedy, 30 Minutes or Less.

So when Jay Leno asked Sorrentino to illustrate his pick-up lines on, say, young Mr. Eisenberg, Sorrentino was only too willing.

And since none of us watches Leno, I’ll just post the clip! Here’s the Situation, demonstrating his command of the Italian tongue (heh):

A transcript of Mike Sorrentino’s sweet nothings:

Leno: OK, let’s suppose that Jesse is an attractive Italian woman—what would you say? Jesse, sitting and minding his own business, having a drink at the bar, what would you say?

Jesse: [reaches for his coffee cup]

Mike: Um, I would have to say—

Jesse: [sips demurely]

Leno: You see? See, the perfect actor, having a drink.

Mike: You know what? I would have to say, “Ciao, signorina.” That means, uh, “Hello, miss,” in Italian.

Jesse: I, uh, I don’t think I would respond to that.

Leno: Really!

Mike: Yeah, and then I’d go—I would proceed to “go in,” which means I would go in for some sort of compliment. And I would say, “Che dolce,” which means, “You are sweet.”

Jesse: [mumbling] Oh, yes.

Leno: I like that. OK.

Mike: And from that particular point, “Andiamo alla casa!” Let’s go to the house!

August 10, 2011 at 4:30 am by Jenn

0Meet The Situation’s Dad!

This is Frank Sorrentino. You might find his charming demeanor and touching way with words familiar – you should, because he passed those gifts right along to his son, The Situation.  As far as I can tell, here’s what happened:  The Situation’s dad was in a tight spot with money, he asked his surprisingly successful son for some help, and The Situation told him “go be like a regular fuckin’ Joe Blow and go on welfare.”  And then The Situation’s dad decided to make a website and a YouTube channel to talk mad shit about his son and his son’s friends.

So far, Frank has predicted that Italy will shun the heathens, revealed that in his pre-Shore days The Situation got a blow job from some lady at work and then tried to sue the company for sexual harassment, and called Ronnie a “fuckin’ fag” for crying over Sammi and Snooki a “4’11″ piece of shit.”

The moral of the story is that the totally classless yet somehow entertaining apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

May 11, 2011 at 4:30 am by Emily

37Caption This

photo of the situation holding a baby pictures

Don’t forget, starting officially on April 1st, we’ll have weekly ‘Caption This’ contests that result in real, live prizes. Pull out your funniest and stick ‘em in the comments if you’re interested in some cool shit.

This past week’s winner on the Christina Aguilera photo:

Winner: Maxx
“C, I think you have a point. Sadly, she still looks like she has a family of worms living in the underside of her legs.”

1st Runner-Up: Anne
“Christina fought hard and won the role of playing Snookie in the new bio-epic of the cast of Jersey Shore.”

2nd Runner-Up: Alicia
“If I suck in reeeal hard, and push the rolls up to where boobs should be, and throw some stank on this look I’m givin’ … awww hell, Ke$ha took my girdle to the beach, yuins guys!”

March 22, 2011 at 10:30 am by Sarah
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