I love animals. Like, I really, really love animals. But I absolutely hate PETA, and it’s because of shit like this. Of course, there are other reasons why I hate PETA, like, for instance, the fact that they euthanize over 99% of the animals in their shelters, but this business just really gets under my skin. Spaying and neutering is important, obviously, but do we really need The Situation, shirtless and surrounded by innocent kitties, to make that point? Is anyone actually going to see this poster and think anything but “ew, gross” or “hell yeah, man, p-ssy is awesome”? Because I seriously doubt it.

Basically, all this poster does is make me hate PETA more than I already do, and also it makes me wonder if The Situation switched to steroids after he got out of rehab. He looks bigger, right? Like in the shoulders and upper arms, he looks unnaturally large. Thoughts?

The Situation has been out of rehab since April. He was there for less than two weeks, and even when he was in rehab, we were hearing about how he was planning on keeping up his club appearances, which, you know, sounded like a disaster.

It looks like that was about right, because that lovable Situation is reportedly back off the wagon:

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino is in a tough situation.

The Jersey Shore star, 30, who entered rehab for substance abuse in March, “isn’t sober anymore,” a source tells Us Weekly in the new issue, on stands Friday.

Indeed, at West Hollywood’s London hotel September 26, a witness saw him “downing so many cocktails, he could barely stand.” (His rep responds, “He has not been drinking.”)

In his first interview after completing an in-patient treatment program, Sorrentino told MTV News, “Ever since I’ve been out, I’m not gonna lie . . . it’s not easy.”

The insider adds to Us that the Sitch is stressed the MTV series is ending: “Mike’s freaking out about what he’s going to do after the show.”

Sadly, I think we can all envision Mike going completely out of control when his fame starts to fade, right? And I’m not saying that we should all be forced to keep an eye on him, because that’s too much to ask, it really is, but could we all take shifts or something?

I know we were all worried that The Situation wouldn’t return to Jersey Shore after he got out of rehab. There were rumors that MTV was going to find a new cast member to take his place, and even more rumors that he had no intentions of giving up his partying, club-going lifestyle. So what’s going to happen? Is The Situation going to show a more mature side of himself that we’ve never seen before and retire for sobriety’s sake, or is he going to go back down to the Jersey Shore this summer?

I know I kind of gave it away in the headline, but here’s the story from TMZ anyway:

He can’t drink … but MTV’s still taking another fat chance on The Situation — casting him on Season 6 of “Jersey Shore” after his rehab stint for substance abuse — and somehow, Abercrombie & Fitch is involved.

Here’s how it all comes together: Situation just filed new legal docs in his ongoing battle with the clothing company over GTL-themed apparel. In the docs, Situation begs the judge in the case to let him skip an impending court date … scheduled for June 14th.

The significance of that date — Sitch says MTV has tapped him to return for another season of “Jersey Shore,” which tapes from May 22nd to July 7th.

Sitch says he’s required to be present at the “Jersey Shore” house 24/7 — so he’d be violating his MTV contract by showing up in court.

Side note: Sitch also says he wants in excess of $10 million from A&F for trademark infringement. A judge has yet to make a decision on the court date issue.

Bottom line — Situation’s coming back … more sober than ever! Woo.

Well, this doesn’t bode well, does it? I mean, I know he has those two whole weeks of rehab under his belt, but does he really think this is a good idea? Does he think he can go back into that environment and not drink, or does he just not care?

Michael “The Situation” Sorrentino is home and would like to thank his fans, friends, family, and business partners for their continued support and words of encouragement.

He is now stronger and better than ever, and excited for this new amazing chapter in his life.

With your positive reinforcement and a whole new outlook on life – there are so many great things on the horizon, and I am sure you will all be excited for the many new projects Sitch has in development.

Words alone cannot express how much you all mean to Mike, and his gratitude for the care you showed him is infinite.

You guys truly are the best!

Aren’t you so happy! He’s excited for this amazing new chapter in life! And since the Shore is going to start filming for its 6th season (ohmigod I can’t even pretend for a second that I’m not shocked and/or dismayed that this has been happening five consecutive seasons), he’s all amped up because he’s going to be bigger and better than ever! I’m all sorts of excited, myself, because someone – whoever wrote this – actually refers to Michael Sorrentino as ‘Sitch’. They call him Sitch, and they’re serious when they do it. That’s the part that *I’m* most excited about.

But yeah! Rehabbed in just two weeks, that’s, what, got to be some kind of record, huh (I checked; it’s not)? I’m assuming he can turn water into wine and walk on water? Hey! “Sitch” is just in time for Easter, you know – maybe he could really bust out some impressive moves and …

I’m sorry. I just can’t continue under these pretenses. The Situation is as full of shit as his show and all of the people who take him seriously. Word.

After only, like, two weeks of treatment, it’s the miracles of all miracles: The Situation is clean, anti-drug, and ready to get back to his real life. Which means that tomorrow, he’ll be dirty, packed with drugs, and fist-pumping to really shitty club music. Cool, right? TMZ reported last night that The Situation left the Cirque Lodge center in Utah because everything’s just hunky dory. Those Cirque people sure do work fast, huh? Mike’s been released from his “very serious drinking problem,” and will probably never touch another controlled substance, like, again.

Party on, Wayne.

Also, if you want to lower your IQ by about thirty points today, check out these American Reunion promos featuring The Situation and some of his castmates partying with the cast of American Reunion. At least the ones with no real career to speak of, anyway (that leaves you out, Alyson Hannigan).

I know, that was the most obvious headline ever, wasn’t it? But let me explain: not only should The Situation have been sent to rehab years ago, but MTV was well aware that he had a very serious drinking problem. For years. And they did a super job of handling it.

From TMZ:

MTV had threatened to replace The Situation on “Jersey Shore” many times over the past two years due to his excessive drinking — sources connected with the production tell TMZ.

According to sources, producers from MTV and 495 Productions sat Situation down for the first time while shooting Season 2 in 2010 — explaining his drinking had become such a problem … it was making it hard to shoot the show.

We’re told Sitch promised to pull himself together — but it quickly unraveled during Season 3, and producers had to speak with him again … this time threatening to replace him on the show if he didn’t clean up his act.

Sitch agreed again — and made a concerted effort to reel in his bad habits between Seasons 3 and 4. We’re told Situation showed promise in Italy during Season 4, but once the crew got back to the States … he was back to his old ways. This prompted another sit-down … and another threat of recasting.

Now, MTV’s got the opposite problem — Situation’s in rehab and sobering up completely. As a result, sources tell us 495 Productions is looking for new castmates to add to the show … in the hopes of phasing Sitch out entirely.

We reached out to MTV for comment … which insists, “There are no plans to replace the cast of ‘Jersey Shore.’”

I don’t even know. I was going to say that this seems like a really shitty situation, but I don’t want to make such obvious puns, especially when this whole story just seems sort of gross. It seems like MTV would either send The Situation to rehab when he started making it difficult for other people to do their jobs or they’d just encourage it, since that’s what the show is all about. I think it’s a little weird that MTV scolded Sitch here to maintain just the right level of hot drunk mess to make the show entertaining.

Look, I watch this show, I’m not going to deny that. But it was always a group of people getting together in a house to party and do what they would do anyway, regardless of cameras. Honestly, if a couple of years ago a camera crew had been interested in paying me ridiculous amounts of money to follow me to the gay bar and put on a bit of a show, I would have considered it. But all these recent developments – the idea of having a pregnant Snooki and a newly sober Situation living in that house – are just icky.

What do you guys think? Are you going to keep watching, or is it just not fun anymore?

With Snooki pregnant and The Situation getting sober, the people behind “Jersey Shore” are FREAKED the show will lose its sex-crazed alcohol-fueled edge — so they’re looking to phase the two out … in favor of newer, wilder castmates.

MTV released a statement earlier this week — following news Sitch was seeking substance abuse treatment — claiming the network expects the entire cast to return for Season 6 … but sources close to 495 Productions tell TMZ, the production company is currently looking for new talent.

According to sources, 495 desperately wants to keep things fresh — and folding in new castmates will help transition the show into a new generation … while still keeping old fans hooked.

We’re told 495 plans to limit Snooki and The Situation’s roles on the new season — giving new cast members more screen time instead.

The show is set to begin filming this summer. 495 had no comment.

Well that’s good news, isn’t it? Especially in light of my recent concerns that MTV would be glamorizing The Situation’s imminent relapse and stressing Snooki out during her pregnancy? Good news, right? Well, it’s a double-edged sword, really. It’s great that MTV won’t be contributing to the inevitable in both cases, but it’s frankly f-cking scary that they’re seeking out a “new generation” of guidos and guidettes, because seriously, these people need to be stopped. I mean honestly, how many lives need to be ruined by bad decisions influenced by drugs and alcohol and music you can fist-pump to? Whether or not Snooki and The Situation would have ended up in their situations if Jersey Shore had never been a thing is neither here nor there – they are in their situations as a direct result of the hype around their reality show, and this is how things turned out. How many people really need to be brought into the fold for the sake of ratings? How many more weak-minded and weak-willed people in desperate need of attention need to be exploited for public consumption and entertainment?

Moreover, what’s going to happen to Snooki and The Situation now? Their careers have been more important to them than anything else in their lives for the past few years, and now that it’s being taken away … I don’t know, guys. I just don’t see this playing out very well on anybody’s end, no matter what stance you take.

Well, this is a pretty sad story. You know how The Situation is in rehab for being addicted to pills and booze? Ok, and you know how lots of clubs and bars often have at least one of those things? Now think about how often The Situation goes into bars and clubs for his reality show or for public appearances.

Yeah, that’s going to keep right on happening after he gets out of rehab:

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino doesn’t want to give up the nightlife — especially his lucrative promotional appearances – when he gets out of rehab, where he is currently undergoing treatment for an addiction to prescription pills,RadarOnline.com has exclusively learned.

As RadarOnline.com was first to report, the reality star has been battling a prescription pill problem for months after years of hard partying.

As is the case with his other Jersey Shorecohorts, the MTV star can command a hefty six figure appearance fee at clubs and has become very dependent on that income, and it’s something he is not willing to walk away from, despite his inevitable battle to stay clean when he leaves treatment.

“Mike doesn’t want to give up his paid club promotional appearances: he loves the attention that he gets from the ladies and the money is great,” a source tells RadarOnline.com. “Mike leads a very expensive life and he doesn’t want his lifestyle to suffer because of his decision to go to rehab. He is very upset that stint in rehab has become public knowledge, because he doesn’t want it to affect his bottom line. Mike’s brother handles his club appearances and he has been telling club managers that Mike has no plans on giving up the nightlife.”

Yeah, totally. You could die from all this, but that lifestyle is totally worth it! Where would you be in life if you couldn’t get paid large amounts of money to not wear a specific clothing brand or make an ass out of yourself on national television? A liver for an iPhone is absolutely a fair trade.

Some sources – whether reliable or not, I couldn’t tell you – are saying that The Situation‘s pills of choice included Ambien and Xanax. These two drugs were said to counteract other (presumably illegal) drugs that he was taking along with the booze. Radar Online says:

“He had been taking very, very large amounts of the two drugs to counter-act his hard partying, which included use of illegal substances. It was getting extremely dangerous for Mike because when he would take Ambien and Xanax he would already be under the influence, and he would forget how many pills he took, causing him to take too many sometimes. Mike was blacking out, and suffering from memory loss, which is very common when taking large doses of the two prescription drugs.”

And the Chicago Sun-Times says that The Situation didn’t even go ahead to rehab on his own – it took a whole lot of convincing by those who’d spent extended amounts of time around him (chicks he hooked up with don’t count in this, I’m afraid):

A source close to the Situation’s situation paraphrased the old Hillary Clinton book title, saying “it took a village” of Sorrentino’s friends, fellow “Jersey Shore” castmates and family members to convince the reality show star of the depth of his alcohol addiction problems. “He has been out of control for a long time and has been saying some really bizarre stuff for months,” added the associate. “He thought everyone was out to get him, and he’d say things that made no sense. Really nutso.”

So can we talk about this for a second? Can we? Because the thing is, what’s going to happen to Jersey Shore? Is this (The Sitch’s problem and Snooki’s pregnancy) the way the world ends, not with a bang, but with a whimper? Is MTV going to continue to push their cash cows into yet another season – though they’re probably already contractually bound anyway – where The Situation might be forced into … um, situations where he’s going to be at clubs and around people who take drugs and drink and party like there’s no tomorrow? Because I’d be willing to bet that three episodes in, The Situation would be caving and then what. Then what? Then MTV would be seen as enablers, and I know that they kind of have been, ever since that whole ‘Teen Mom’ thing, but this is on a different level. Will they scrap the show? Somehow I doubt it. Ratings will be sky-high if a rehabbed Situation continues to appear, as well as a pregnant and moody Snooki. Could you imagine how the viewership would grow, even from the new viewers? Morbidly curious new visitors are going to be drawn to this business like flies to honey.

Yesterday, we learned that The Situation is currently in rehab for unknown reasons (and by “unknown reasons,” I mean that we had too many reasons to choose from). After that announcement came out, his rep came forward to say that he was “at an undisclosed location for much needed rest and recuperation after his extensive production and appearance schedule.” Now we know that he actually is in rehab for substance abuse, because The Situation himself was kind enough to put an end to all this runaround and give us a statement:

I want to set the record straight. I have voluntarily taken steps to get control of a prescription medication problem I had due to exhaustion. I have spent the past several weeks getting treatment for this problem and recuperating from my work and appearance schedule. I appreciate my fans support and love you guys.

That’s sweet, right? But hey, what kind of prescription medication problem can you develop from exhaustion? I’m not trying to be a smartass, that’s a legitimate question. Is he saying that he developed a problem with pills that he was taking to treat exhaustion? I used a Google, and all I could find was that sometimes doctors will prescribe anti-anxiety medications like Xanax and what have you for chronic fatigue syndrome, but that doesn’t sound quite right. When he’s talking about medications for exhaustion, does he mean cocaine?

Here are a few more details from TMZ:

The Situation is undergoing rehab at the famous Cirque Lodge in Utah for prescription meds, TMZ has learned.

Several sources have told us The Situation is at Cirque for other substance abuse problems … but as of now, we can only confirm prescription meds.

Our sources say The Situation is walking around Cirque, telling people he’s gained weight — and has made specific diet requests from the chef at the facility, hoping to get back into shape for the 6th Season of “Jersey Shore.”

And just to make sure he gets his way — one source tells us, Sitch is making damn sure everyone remembers how wealthy and famous he is.

We’re told this is not the first time The Situation has undergone treatment for substance abuse.

Oh, heaven forbid The Situation gain a little weight and ruin his perfect abs while in rehab. Priorities, people. Your health is almost always more important than your muscular physique, all right? I think you should take care of not dying, and then you can focus on your sweet six pack.

From TMZ:

“The Situation” is in rehab for substance abuse … TMZ has learned.

Sources tell TMZ the ”Jersey Shore” star — aka Mike Sorrentino — has checked into an inpatient treatment program.

A rep for the Situation says he “has spent the past several weeks at an undisclosed location for much needed rest and recuperation after his extensive production and appearance schedule.”

Like most of the ‘JS’ crew … Sorrentino’s been on a non-stop party train since the show debuted on MTV 2 years ago — drinking and making paid appearances at nightclubs all over the world.

Sitch makes anywhere from 15K … up to a whopping 50k per nightclub appearance.

MTV just announced “Jersey Shore” is returning for a 6th season … which is scheduled to start shooting this summer.

So what do you think The Situation is in for? Cocaine? Alcohol? Steroids? Do people actually go to rehab for taking steroids? Do you think he’ll be treated for his sex addiction as well? There are so many questions that need answers!

Of course, you guys realize that this has got to be one of the least surprising trips to rehab ever. It’s always been kind of obvious that something’s not entirely right with that guy. Besides, have you seen any of this season of Jersey Shore? I’m definitely behind, but I remember the scene where The Situation is just ranting and raving on the roof, mumbling to himself with his dick hanging out of his shorts. He just went on and on for so long, and it was actually kind of unnerving to watch. Put that with his ongoing paranoia and his amazing sense of self importance, and it’s a total no-brainer that he needs some sort of help. And I really hope he gets it.

Not to be callous or anything on the heels of this announcement, but can you even start to imagine how intense season six is going to be now? Pregnant Snooki, recovering addict The Situation … oh my gosh, you guys, did he go on a bender after his one true love, Snooki, got pregnant and engaged?

The last season of Jersey Shore was so intense, right? There was all that drama with Jionni, we got to see Snooki’s problem with alcohol become painfully obvious and undeniable (as if it wasn’t already, right?) and, possibly the best part of all, we got to see The Situation ram his head into a wall. The fourth season of Jersey Shore was not a joke. It came at us hard and fast, and it didn’t slow down. So the fifth season should be the craziest yet, right?

Well, if you watch the trailer, not so much.

It looks like the highlights this season are going to be Vinny going home for a couple days and Snooki hitting the Situation with a plastic baseball bat. And that’s so disappointing. I mean, if you watch the whole trailer you don’t see one second of Ron and Sam fighting. Not one! It almost makes me not even want to watch it when it premieres on January 5th on MTV.

Almost.