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Michael Phelps

15Phelpsy’s Free!

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Hoorah! Micheal Phelps is free to swim once again after his pot-induced suspension. He came out of the incident mostly unharmed, only losing one endorsement (Kellogg’s) but he’s “angry” about how the incident was portrayed in the tabloids. If he was angry about that, imagine how pissed he’s gonna be in a few months with the ish is legal anyway! When asked about how he felt about the media reaction Phelps said

“I have come to realize that people want to bring you up but more people want to bring you down.”

Wise words from a wise man a.k.a a ripper of massive bongs. This is the exact kind of philosophical verbal meandering that people spew after smoking a fatty. I’m just hope he’ll just do it in his basement/garage with a tiny window cracked like a normal person as opposed to at a crowded college party.

We love you, Phelps! Welcome Back!

March 15, 2009 at 8:00 am by Soleil
Filed Under: Michael Phelps

12People to Whom Michael Phelps Should Write Thank-You Notes This Week

1) Chris Brown
2) Nadya Suleman

What was that problem he was having last week?

Hmmmm.

I can’t recall.

February 11, 2009 at 2:44 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Michael Phelps

30Eight Arrested For Intent To Have Munchies In The Company Of An Olympic Hero

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Holy shit.  Yeah, I get that pot is illegal, but does anyone thing that this has just escalated to an unreal level?  Even the governor of South Carolina thinks it’s meaningless.

Eight people were arrested this week in connection with the Michael Phelps bong incident-seven with possession and one with distribution.  Police confiscated the bong that some its owner tried to sell on Ebay for $100,000.

Phelps has not been charged yet, even though he’s the one person in the photograph who is actually taking a hit.  Stay tuned.  Beet, get the bail money ready.

February 10, 2009 at 8:47 am by Wendie
Filed Under: Michael Phelps

4Backstroke!

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Despite the rumors swirling about Subway dumping merman Phelps, their rep came out and denied the story.

“Like most Americans, and like Michael Phelps himself, we were disappointed in his behavior,” Megan Driscoll, the rep for Subway, tells Usmagazine.com. “Also like most Americans, we accept his apology. Moving forward, he remains in our plans.”

Look at that devilish grin on Phelpsy! He knows what’s up! He’s going to be chillaxin with Tommy Chong and munching foot longs for the next 3 months. Except this time, he’ll do it in the privacy of his own basement.

February 7, 2009 at 10:04 am by Soleil
Filed Under: Michael Phelps

66Oh Noes! Looks Like Subway Is Going to Dump Phelpsy!

Michael Phelps Penis Cock Through Speedo Pictures Photos

First Kellogg’s, now Subway. Apparently after his run-in with the wacky tobacky, Subway doesn’t want Michael Phelps’ foot-long anywhere near theirs. (Get it? That was a penis joke.)

Exclusive! Subway has officially de-linked Michael Phelps as they prepare to drop his recently announced sponsorship deal. Before Michael’s bong hits hit the headlines, Michael Phelps was featured on the Subway web site. However, since the swimmer’s pothead scandal, Subway has removed all links to pages featuring the Olympic swimmer (see below).

Confidentially, the Subway webteam gave us the heads up — Michael Phelps has been remmed out, de-linked, due to his recent one toke over the line. Other Subway “celebrity friends” are still listed, like Jared, Ryan Howard and Reggie Bush — but they have been told to officially de-link all references featuring Michael …

In an e-mail from Subway spokeswoman Megan Driscoll, she said: “Subway is not commenting or releasing a statement right now on Michael Phelps.” However, in de-linking all references to Michael Phelps, this is Subway corporate as they prepare for dropping their sponsorship. Our insider told us Subway execs are pissed off, talking to legal, want their endorsement money returned — and to “get rid of this embarrassment.”

I wonder if Phelpsy is sorry he ever even copped to this shit. He could have just been like, “Listen, I was smoking plain tobacco out of the pipe,” and it would have been total and complete bullshit, and we all would have known it, but, fuck, if Paris Hilton can go on Larry King and say she’s never done drugs, Michael Phelps can too, right? He probably could have saved his endorsements that way.

Oh, Michael. I’m so sorry you’re having to go through all this. You can pour your dressing on my roast beef any day, baby.

February 6, 2009 at 2:28 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Michael Phelps

25Phew! Michael Phelps Can Focus on Smoking Weed for the Next Three Months

Michael Phelps

I’m sure Phelpsy is crying his little eyes out and wiping them with marijuana leaves, because USA Swimming has suspended him for three whole months. I don’t even know what this means. I assume it means he can’t compete, which I assume he is absolutely fine with, because mostly what he wants to do right now is get high and fuck cocktail waitresses. Oh, and they cut off their financial support to Phelps for the same three-month period, effective Thursday. I’m sure this is very hard on Michael, too, because he is deeply dependent on the thousand dollars a month USA Swimming throws his way. It gets deposited every month in the bank account titled “Phelpsy’s Hundred Million Dollars from Endorsements” and he has no idea how he’ll make rent without it.

“This is not a situation where any anti-doping rule was violated, but we decided to send a strong message to Michael because he disappointed so many people, particularly the hundreds of thousands of USA Swimming member kids who look up to him as a role model and a hero,” the federation said in a statement.

Seriously, kids, don’t do drugs or you might accidentally win eight Olympic gold medals over the course of two weeks and get hundreds of millions of dollars in endorsement deals … and then a teensy tiny slap on the wrist from an organization that worships you as a deity.

Oh, and apparently Kellogg’s dropped him, too.

Hey, Michael, if you need someone to console you, you should come to my house. I will suspend your penis inside my vagina for three months.

Thanks archphoenix!

February 5, 2009 at 6:38 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Michael Phelps
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