Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Michael Phelps

Love It or Leave It: Michael Phelps’s Mustache, Gross

photo of michael phelps mustache 2013 pictures
A Muppet, right? Doesn’t Michael Phelps look exactly like a Muppet? Because oh, hey. Michael Phelps looks exactly like a Muppet.


This is the Olympic swimmer’s new look, and yes, that’s a champagne bottle that he’s holding in this second picture. Can we talk about that for a second? I don’t like champagne—not at all. My husband knows not to get champagne around the holidays (even for New Year’s) because I don’t drink it, and even champagne-based mixed drinks like mimosas … oh gosh, no thanks. That being said, I’m more of a wine lady. I like nothing more than a good, dry red wine. I also like some mixed drinks, mostly those that have tequila in them. I do love me a good tequila. What do you guys like, or rather, don’t like?

I know—this entire post got way, way off topic, but that sometimes happens. It’s not as if there’s anything else that’s all that interesting about Michael Phelps other than the fact that he’s seriously starting to resemble the more masculine of Bert and Ernie.

Phelpsy Was in a Car Crash!

michael-phelps

Phelpsy and I have a cosmic connection. Let me explain: I was in a nasty car crash last week. Then, tonight, I was at this dueling piano bar and there was this totally wasted chick and she was hanging over all these guys, but there was this one she was paying the most attention to, and I realized his face looked exactly like Michael Phelps, but his body wasn’t exactly Phelpsy quality. And then I turned to my girlfriend and relayed my observation. And then I Twittered it, because when I have an important thought like that, it’s crucial the world know immediately.

But then I started getting all these tweets back alerting me to the fact that Michael Phelps got in a car wreck tonight! ZOMG! Phelpsy was practically in my bar and then he got in a car wreck just like me and this is definitive proof that we are soulmates.

Phelpsy’s Cadillac hit a Honda Accord and what sounds like a third parked car. Nobody was seriously injured and, shockingly enough, police say there was no sign alcohol was involved. Good for you, Phelpsy! Driving sober for once!

Phelpsy Doesn’t Value Our Relationship

Ohhh Phelpsy! Why do you continue to trample upon our love? We have such an amazing thing going on here, me with my undying love and respect for you, and you with your Size 14 penis. It’s the perfect relationship. And yet you seem intent on throwing your wee-wee into anything you meet at a strip club. Take this chick, who’s talking to News of the World about the threesome she and another stripper had with you last year.

Apparently this young woman was impressed with Phelpsy’s stamina (Duh! He’s an Olympic athlete!) but says he chews tobacco constantly (Ew!) and has a whole bunch of chicks he hooks up with on a regular basis. Also he refused to take her to a nice restaurant, instead inviting her to dine with him at Taco Bell. “That was it,” she said. “He just bought me some soft tacos. No romantic candlelit dinner. He HAD said he’d take me to The Capital Grille which is one of the city’s swankiest restaurants, but it never happened.”

Listen, sweetheart. You’re obviously the kind of girl who will bang him and then talk about it to News of the World. You’re Taco Bell quality! Phelpsy, when you and I finally make our love a reality, I promise I will not talk to any newspapers about it. I may mention it on this teensy tiny little blog I have, but that’s all! Promise!