Michael Phelps is a bit of a fuck up, and he knows it. After getting arrested and charged with a DUI, someone’s given him some home truths and now he’s checking himself into rehab to get some help for his issues. Instead of doing this quietly, he decided to announce it on Twitter, as you do. As usual, read from bottom to top:
Dear God, what’s wrong with people? Early Tuesday morning, Michael Phelps – yes, the weed smoking Olympic swimming champ, as the media keeps pointing out – was arrested and charged with a DUI. He was driving around Baltimore, MD at about 1:45 am and was pulled over for doing 84 MPH in a 45 MPH area. He failed his sobriety test.
So what’s he got to say for himself? Well, he’s “deeply sorry”, of course.
“Earlier this morning, I was arrested and charged with DUI, excessive speeding and crossing double lane lines,” Phelps said in a statement. “I understand the severity of my actions and take full responsibility. I know these words may not mean much right now but I am deeply sorry to everyone I have let down.”
You’re right – those words don’t mean anything at all. How hard is it NOT to get behind the wheel of a car when you’re wasted? Honestly! Especially when you’re rich and can, say, afford to call a taxi or hire a personal driver to take your sorry ass wherever you need to be at 2am? Get out of here with that “sorry” bullshit. Imagine how sorry you WOULD have been if you’d have killed someone because you thought you were a tough guy who could drive home under the influence? Ugh.
A Muppet, right? Doesn’t Michael Phelps look exactly like a Muppet? Because oh, hey. Michael Phelps looks exactly like a Muppet.
This is the Olympic swimmer’s new look, and yes, that’s a champagne bottle that he’s holding in this second picture. Can we talk about that for a second? I don’t like champagne—not at all. My husband knows not to get champagne around the holidays (even for New Year’s) because I don’t drink it, and even champagne-based mixed drinks like mimosas … oh gosh, no thanks. That being said, I’m more of a wine lady. I like nothing more than a good, dry red wine. I also like some mixed drinks, mostly those that have tequila in them. I do love me a good tequila. What do you guys like, or rather, don’t like?
I know—this entire post got way, way off topic, but that sometimes happens. It’s not as if there’s anything else that’s all that interesting about Michael Phelps other than the fact that he’s seriously starting to resemble the more masculine of Bert and Ernie.
Phelpsy and I have a cosmic connection. Let me explain: I was in a nasty car crash last week. Then, tonight, I was at this dueling piano bar and there was this totally wasted chick and she was hanging over all these guys, but there was this one she was paying the most attention to, and I realized his face looked exactly like Michael Phelps, but his body wasn’t exactly Phelpsy quality. And then I turned to my girlfriend and relayed my observation. And then I Twittered it, because when I have an important thought like that, it’s crucial the world know immediately.
But then I started getting all these tweets back alerting me to the fact that Michael Phelps got in a car wreck tonight! ZOMG! Phelpsy was practically in my bar and then he got in a car wreck just like me and this is definitive proof that we are soulmates.
Phelpsy’s Cadillac hit a Honda Accord and what sounds like a third parked car. Nobody was seriously injured and, shockingly enough, police say there was no sign alcohol was involved. Good for you, Phelpsy! Driving sober for once!
Ohhh Phelpsy! Why do you continue to trample upon our love? We have such an amazing thing going on here, me with my undying love and respect for you, and you with your Size 14 penis. It’s the perfect relationship. And yet you seem intent on throwing your wee-wee into anything you meet at a strip club. Take this chick, who’s talking to News of the World about the threesome she and another stripper had with you last year.
Apparently this young woman was impressed with Phelpsy’s stamina (Duh! He’s an Olympic athlete!) but says he chews tobacco constantly (Ew!) and has a whole bunch of chicks he hooks up with on a regular basis. Also he refused to take her to a nice restaurant, instead inviting her to dine with him at Taco Bell. “That was it,” she said. “He just bought me some soft tacos. No romantic candlelit dinner. He HAD said he’d take me to The Capital Grille which is one of the city’s swankiest restaurants, but it never happened.”
Listen, sweetheart. You’re obviously the kind of girl who will bang him and then talk about it to News of the World. You’re Taco Bell quality! Phelpsy, when you and I finally make our love a reality, I promise I will not talk to any newspapers about it. I may mention it on this teensy tiny little blog I have, but that’s all! Promise!
Oh, happy day! After Miss California was all like, “Well I miiiight be dating Michael Phelps, but I’m not telling because I’m a douchebag,” Phelpsy himself stepped in to deny the rumors. BAM! BITCH GOES DOWN!
“I’m not dating anybody,” he said Wednesday at the opening of the Omega flagship boutique in NYC. “I’m single. My private life stays private.”
And as for her answer to the gay marriage question?
“That’s the cool thing about America – everybody has their opinion,” he said. “I’m not saying I support her. I’m not saying I don’t support her.” Oh, come on, Phelpsy! You should openly support gay marriage! If someone wants to be legally wed to a size 14 penis, they should be granted that right, regardless of whether they’re man or woman.
Meanwhile, Donald Trump — who owns the Miss Universe organization — is finally weighing in on the controversy. “Miss California has done a wonderful job, that was her belief,” he said. “It wasn’t a bad answer, that was simply her belief.” Trump added that Prejean’s question was “a bit unlucky,” arguing that no matter how she answered the question “she was going to get killed.” Agreed.
Listen, it’s no secret around here that I’m pro-gay-marriage (which I like to call being pro-equal-rights). So of course I firmly disagreed with Miss California’s decision to speak out against gay marriage in the Miss USA competition last night. I vehemently disagree with Carrie Prejean, but it took balls for her to stay true to her beliefs in a room that you better believe was jam-packed with gay men. I suppose there is a teeeeensy tiny bit of credit due there. She tells Access Hollywood today: “I stated an opinion that was true to myself and that’s all I can do. It is a very touchy subject and he [Perez] is a homosexual and I see where he was coming from and I see the audience would’ve wanted me to be more politically correct. But I was raised in a way that you can never compromise your beliefs and your opinions for anything.” Personally, I think that every now and then it’s okay to compromise your beliefs when they imply that an entire class of citizens should be treated as lesser because of who they choose to love. But that’s just me.
You know what’s even less of a secret than my support for gay marriage? MY LOVE FOR MICHAEL PHELPS. And this is where Carrie Prejean and I are really going to have a problem. She’s dating him. THAT HATEFUL BITCH. Access Hollywood bugged her to talk about him, but she demured. “He is a great man,” she says, adding, “We can talk about that a different day.”
Hey, Carrie Prejean, I’m gonna go ahead and introduce some legislation that bans beauty queens from marrying anyone I have a crush on. I just think it’s so wrong. It disgusts me. That’s just what I was raised to believe, so look for it on your 2010 ballot.