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Michael Phelps

19Love It or Leave It: Michael Phelps’s Mustache, Gross

photo of michael phelps mustache 2013 pictures
A Muppet, right? Doesn’t Michael Phelps look exactly like a Muppet? Because oh, hey. Michael Phelps looks exactly like a Muppet.


This is the Olympic swimmer’s new look, and yes, that’s a champagne bottle that he’s holding in this second picture. Can we talk about that for a second? I don’t like champagne—not at all. My husband knows not to get champagne around the holidays (even for New Year’s) because I don’t drink it, and even champagne-based mixed drinks like mimosas … oh gosh, no thanks. That being said, I’m more of a wine lady. I like nothing more than a good, dry red wine. I also like some mixed drinks, mostly those that have tequila in them. I do love me a good tequila. What do you guys like, or rather, don’t like?

I know—this entire post got way, way off topic, but that sometimes happens. It’s not as if there’s anything else that’s all that interesting about Michael Phelps other than the fact that he’s seriously starting to resemble the more masculine of Bert and Ernie.

January 12, 2013 at 11:00 am by Sarah
Filed Under: Michael Phelps

10Phelpsy Was in a Car Crash!

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Phelpsy and I have a cosmic connection. Let me explain: I was in a nasty car crash last week. Then, tonight, I was at this dueling piano bar and there was this totally wasted chick and she was hanging over all these guys, but there was this one she was paying the most attention to, and I realized his face looked exactly like Michael Phelps, but his body wasn’t exactly Phelpsy quality. And then I turned to my girlfriend and relayed my observation. And then I Twittered it, because when I have an important thought like that, it’s crucial the world know immediately.

But then I started getting all these tweets back alerting me to the fact that Michael Phelps got in a car wreck tonight! ZOMG! Phelpsy was practically in my bar and then he got in a car wreck just like me and this is definitive proof that we are soulmates.

Phelpsy’s Cadillac hit a Honda Accord and what sounds like a third parked car. Nobody was seriously injured and, shockingly enough, police say there was no sign alcohol was involved. Good for you, Phelpsy! Driving sober for once!

August 14, 2009 at 12:02 am by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Michael Phelps

17Phelpsy Doesn’t Value Our Relationship

Ohhh Phelpsy! Why do you continue to trample upon our love? We have such an amazing thing going on here, me with my undying love and respect for you, and you with your Size 14 penis. It’s the perfect relationship. And yet you seem intent on throwing your wee-wee into anything you meet at a strip club. Take this chick, who’s talking to News of the World about the threesome she and another stripper had with you last year.

Apparently this young woman was impressed with Phelpsy’s stamina (Duh! He’s an Olympic athlete!) but says he chews tobacco constantly (Ew!) and has a whole bunch of chicks he hooks up with on a regular basis. Also he refused to take her to a nice restaurant, instead inviting her to dine with him at Taco Bell. “That was it,” she said. “He just bought me some soft tacos. No romantic candlelit dinner. He HAD said he’d take me to The Capital Grille which is one of the city’s swankiest restaurants, but it never happened.”

Listen, sweetheart. You’re obviously the kind of girl who will bang him and then talk about it to News of the World. You’re Taco Bell quality! Phelpsy, when you and I finally make our love a reality, I promise I will not talk to any newspapers about it. I may mention it on this teensy tiny little blog I have, but that’s all! Promise!

May 11, 2009 at 1:37 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Michael Phelps

19Phelpsy’s Not Dating Miss California!!!

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Oh, happy day! After Miss California was all like, “Well I miiiight be dating Michael Phelps, but I’m not telling because I’m a douchebag,” Phelpsy himself stepped in to deny the rumors. BAM! BITCH GOES DOWN!

“I’m not dating anybody,” he said Wednesday at the opening of the Omega flagship boutique in NYC. “I’m single. My private life stays private.”

And as for her answer to the gay marriage question?

“That’s the cool thing about America – everybody has their opinion,” he said. “I’m not saying I support her. I’m not saying I don’t support her.” Oh, come on, Phelpsy! You should openly support gay marriage! If someone wants to be legally wed to a size 14 penis, they should be granted that right, regardless of whether they’re man or woman.

Meanwhile, Donald Trump — who owns the Miss Universe organization — is finally weighing in on the controversy. “Miss California has done a wonderful job, that was her belief,” he said. “It wasn’t a bad answer, that was simply her belief.” Trump added that Prejean’s question was “a bit unlucky,” arguing that no matter how she answered the question “she was going to get killed.” Agreed.

April 23, 2009 at 12:36 pm by Evil Beet

58OK, Now I Really Hate This Miss California Bitch

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Listen, it’s no secret around here that I’m pro-gay-marriage (which I like to call being pro-equal-rights). So of course I firmly disagreed with Miss California’s decision to speak out against gay marriage in the Miss USA competition last night. I vehemently disagree with Carrie Prejean, but it took balls for her to stay true to her beliefs in a room that you better believe was jam-packed with gay men. I suppose there is a teeeeensy tiny bit of credit due there. She tells Access Hollywood today: “I stated an opinion that was true to myself and that’s all I can do. It is a very touchy subject and he [Perez] is a homosexual and I see where he was coming from and I see the audience would’ve wanted me to be more politically correct. But I was raised in a way that you can never compromise your beliefs and your opinions for anything.” Personally, I think that every now and then it’s okay to compromise your beliefs when they imply that an entire class of citizens should be treated as lesser because of who they choose to love. But that’s just me.

You know what’s even less of a secret than my support for gay marriage? MY LOVE FOR MICHAEL PHELPS. And this is where Carrie Prejean and I are really going to have a problem. She’s dating him. THAT HATEFUL BITCH. Access Hollywood bugged her to talk about him, but she demured. “He is a great man,” she says, adding, “We can talk about that a different day.”

Hey, Carrie Prejean, I’m gonna go ahead and introduce some legislation that bans beauty queens from marrying anyone I have a crush on. I just think it’s so wrong. It disgusts me. That’s just what I was raised to believe, so look for it on your 2010 ballot.

April 20, 2009 at 1:18 pm by Evil Beet

11Phelpsy’s Mom Says She’s to Blame!

Debbie Phelps a Mother for All Seasons Book Cover

Yes, of course Phelpsy’s mom “wrote” a book. She has definitely earned a book deal. Look what her vagina has accomplished! All those laps in the Olympic pool were practically being swum by her labia. The book is called A Mother for All Seasons, and of course right now her media machine is hyping it up by focusing on what is probably the only even marginally interesting portion of this opus — Michael Phelps’ painfully persistent drug and alcohol problem.

In A Mother for All Seasons, Debbie Phelps speaks out for the first time about her shock at seeing the human side of her golden boy, when Star released pictures of Michael smoking pot in January, Debbie was “not happy” about his “disappointing, uncharacteristic behavior,” she writes. But the bust was also “déjà vu all over again.” Michael’s 2004 DUI arrest had been her first major disappointment as a mom.

“Nothing like this had ever happened with him,” Debbie writes. “It was unreal — like something out of a horror movie — with TV clips of jail cell doors slamming ominously shut, dooming the life and career of one golden boy turned loser.”

But, Debbie says, she never blamed Michael — only herself. “I was sure that I could have done something to better prepare Michael to make better choices.” And after the details of the incident emerged, she says, she had more understanding. “He actually had tried to get someone else to drive after he had a few drinks,” Debbie reveals. “Apparently someone in the crowd made a crack about not giving the keys to his brand-new Range Rover to someone else.”

In the end, however, the details didn’t matter. “Michael was clearly mortified.” And Debbie had to take a week off of work. “I stayed out of sight, hibernating at a friend’s house, crying my eyes out.”

I can completely understand how awful this experience must have been for Debbie, but I’m firmly of the belief that all the mothering in the world can’t change the way your children interact with substance, and how they behave when they’re under the influence. You can set a good example and you can let them know the facts, but that’s where your role ends. These were Michael’s choices, and it’s so sad that his mother had to suffer as a result. Hopefully it will result in him making better choices in the future, although somehow I doubt that. We’ll see another DUI out of that Phelps kid yet, mark my words.

Hey, Mom! When are you going to write a book about raising me??? That shit’ll put Debbie Phelps’ drama to SHAME! (To this day, my mother insists that I was a very easy teenager to raise. This is because my mother has repressed those memories. I was about as easy to raise as Hugh Hefner’s penis. It took a team!) I keep telling my mother she should have a weekly column on here. She always says no. Maybe I should have my grandpa do one? He has OPINIONS.

April 1, 2009 at 9:18 pm by Evil Beet
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