Yup, I spent the last few hours racking my brain over who the most obnoxious, most heinous celebrities were of 2011 and though there were probably, like, eighty-six I could have placed on this list (not including others from previous years that continue their douchebag reign well into the later parts of the decade), I decided on five.
I know. I know. Some of you guys probably have a soft little spot in your hearts for Doug Hutchison because he just seems on the outskirts of fame, sometimes brushing shoulders with it, but mostly being cast side-long glances by people who matter because he’s so on the fringe that it’s impossible to pull him into the mainstream. And he’d almost be a sympathetic character if he weren’t f-cking a teenager. Because I don’t care how “young at heart” or “hip” you are; statutory rape is statutory rape, even if it’s consensual statutory rape, and that’s just creepy, yo.
There’s not really an explanation as to why Michael Lohan’s on this list. He kicks women in the cooter, is King Douchebag of the Lohan Clan, isn’t even tolerated by the most unstable Lohan, and was once married to Dina Lohan. Plus, he sucks at escaping police custody. Please. Doesn’t all of that give him a lifetime membership card to, like, be on this list for the rest of his time on earth?
Kanye’s a drama queen. A drama queen who freaks out over projectile pieces of paper and a drama queen who compares himself to Hitler. Kanye thinks he’s God’s gift to politics, women, music, and the economy, and the only ones douchier than Kanye himself are his fans.
Jump in to find out who the top 2 douches of 2011 were!
In the meantime, Kate Major has been keeping herself busy! To start, she sat down with Dr. Drew, who was happy to help her air some of her business on national television. She dropped a bunch of bombshells during their interview, too, like:
- Michael Lohan is on steroids
- Michael Lohan has been shopping around a sex tape that Kate Major says she didn’t know existed
- Michael Lohan was using the threat of said sex tape to make Kate Major drop her restraining order
- Michael Lohan once tried to force-feed Kate Major an eyeliner pencil
- No, she’s never met Lindsay
I’ll say this about Michael Lohan: the man has got gumption. Just when you think you’ve got him, BAM! No such luck! You can’t cage a wild animal, and Michael Lohan is no exception.
For example, when Michael here decided that he wanted to talk to his girlfriend, Kate Major, just a couple days after getting arrested for beating and threatening to kill her, he went ahead and did it. He called and called her, and since Kate wasn’t quite ready to kiss and make up, she called the police, who rolled on over to Michael’s hotel to arrest him. But Michael Lohan is a resourceful man, and when pushed, he’s not afraid to do what it takes to survive and thrive. And that’s why instead of cooperating with the police, he jumped off his third story balcony, and then he got arrested. Michael Lohan does things on his own terms.
Did I mention that drugs and alcohol were involved?
That wily Michael Lohan! If you refuse to fellate him, you will be assaulted, and if you try to arrest him … well, you can arrest him, but don’t expect him take it lying down.
Predictably, this last time that Michael Lohan got arrested for assaulting his lady didn’t go so smoothly. Here’s what happened: the cops came, they handcuffed him, and then oh, ow, ouch, wait, chest pains! So the cops took him to the hospital to get him checked out, and then, quiet as a mouse and sly as a fox, Michael grabbed the chance to slink on out of police custody.
At least, he tried. The police officers were a bit quicker than him, however, and snatched him up to go back to the police station, still stylishly wrapped up in his hospital gown. Classic Lohan!
Hey, like daughter, like father, right? Is that how that saying goes?
Same story, different day: Michael Lohan was arrested in the wee hours Tuesday morning for, once again, trying to beat up his sometimes-lady-friend, 28-year-old gossip journalist Kate Major. According to CNN, authorities responded to a call from Lohan’s Tampa home and immediately arrested Lohan for “battery on his live-in girlfriend,” the police statement said. Most news sources say the call came from Major’s home. Toe-may-toe, toe-mah-toe.
“That’s from smoking a pipe with meth or crack. She’s smoking either crack or meth, one or the other. I’m not going to shade it. If you’re talking about prescription medication it would affect all your teeth, not just your two front teeth. You can’t dance with the devil and expect to go home with Jesus.”
You know, as usual, Michael Lohan is so right. You really can’t dance with the devil and go home with Jesus, especially not Lindsay. Jesus would just be like “girl, have you seen them chompers? I’m going to sit this one out.” And then the devil would just be over in the corner, leering at Lindsay and licking his lips. And then Lindsay would know that she’s resigned herself to her fate, and it would be a cautionary tale for all.
Thanks, Daddy Lohan! Oh, and thanks for letting us know that your baby girl probably smokes crack! Much obliged!
Hi. I’m Michael Lohan. One of the biggest causes of teen death in America today is drinking and driving. So be an example, protect your kids. Don’t drink and drive.
Yes. We want to be examples like Michael Lohan, because it’s apparent that his shining beacon of paternal light and love has been such a great example for his daughter Lindsay and the rest of those other kids, too.