Ok, we’ve got a little bit of catching up to do, ready? In the past couple of days, there’s been this story about Lindsay Lohan paying a porn star named Voodoo to have sex with her. It’s a story because Voodoo, who sounds like a super classy dude, did an interview where he said “ask him [Michael Lohan] if he knows about that night I had with his daughter while he was sleeping upstairs.” It’s gross, it’s not entirely unbelievable, but with everything that’s been going on with Lindsay lately, I thought I’d give her a break on this one.
“This delusional moron wishes he had a nanosecond alone with Lindsay!” Michael Lohan charged. “If I ever caught a guy having sex with my daughter in my house I’d be in jail the rest of my life, especially a dirtball porn star. I’m a light sleeper. I would never be asleep while my kids were in the house and awake.
“Another worm crawling out of the woodwork trying to get some publicity. But this time, it’s a person that doesn’t even have respect for himself, never mind Lindsay or anyone else. To begin with, not at ANY time that I was with my family or Lindsay at our home, or anywhere, did I go to sleep before my children did. Or allow any man/male and especially a sleazebag, alone with Lindsay. Can you imagine ME, Michael Lohan, of all fathers, allowing my daughter(s) to be alone with any guy while I was present? Ha ha!
“And if, by chance, a dirtball like Voodoo, snuck in, he wouldn’t have made it out. Last but not least, Lindsay would NEVER stoop to the level of this neophyte. (The lowest form of living organism on earth).
“Sad, very sad. I pity him.”
AHAHAHAHA. Sorry, guys, I had to take a short break to laugh forever. “Another worm crawling out of the woodwork trying to get some publicity, but this time, it’s a person that doesn’t even have respect for himself, never mind Lindsay or anyone else.” I’m sorry, Michael, but were you talking about yourself there? Because it really sounds like you were talking about yourself. When I think of people talking about Lindsay in an attempt to get some publicity, Michael Lohan is always at the top of the list.
Here’s a tip: when you bash someone for talking about Lindsay to get some attention from the media, you’re talking about Lindsay to get some attention from the media.
March 21, 2012 at 5:30 am by Emily
Everybody knows that Michael Lohan is a douchebag. That is the opposite of a secret. The guy kicks ladies straight in the vag, he made a sex tape of himself and his lady getting it on without his lady’s knowledge, and he had a hand in raising Lindsay Lohan. I think that about covers it.
But wait! There’s a chance that Michael Lohan might be turning over a new leaf! While it’s true that his own special brand of violent asshole behavior and infamous parenting skills won’t be overlooked anytime soon, this might actually be a step in the right direction. See, Michael Lohan has been in rehab, and now he’s living in a halfway house. The latest example of his progress? He filed an application down at the Burger King.
Michael Lohan is finally gearing up to ask the burning question that may or may not have been on his mind for years — “Would you like fries with that?”
Sources tell TMZ, Michael filed an application with a local Burger King in Palm Beach, Florida yesterday after he was released from a residential treatment facility — which he was sentenced to as part of a plea deal in his domestic violence case involving ex-GF Kate Major.
According to sources, Lohan was moved to a 3-bedroom halfway house after his rehab release — and the counselors at the treatment center recommended he get a real job to pass the time … until his final release on March 16th.
We’re told the job’s primary purpose isn’t to make money — though $7.75 an hour ain’t bad — it’s to help residents like Michael slowly assimilate back into normal society.
So far, it’s unclear if he locked down the burger-flipping gig.
I’m not about to hate on getting a job at the Burger King: I think a job’s a job, and Michael Lohan certainly needs a job. He’s been out of touch with reality for way too long, and this seems like a great way to get him back in touch. Or it’s a great way to get some girl who can’t keep her mouth shut a good dousing with frying oil. Apples and oranges, I guess.
Hey, do any of you guys live in Palm Beach? Can we get a Burger King watch going strong? You can send us pictures of Michael hard at work, and bonus points if he gives you a crown!
February 10, 2012 at 9:30 am by Emily
Yup, I spent the last few hours racking my brain over who the most obnoxious, most heinous celebrities were of 2011 and though there were probably, like, eighty-six I could have placed on this list (not including others from previous years that continue their douchebag reign well into the later parts of the decade), I decided on five.
#5 – Doug Hutchison
I know. I know. Some of you guys probably have a soft little spot in your hearts for Doug Hutchison because he just seems on the outskirts of fame, sometimes brushing shoulders with it, but mostly being cast side-long glances by people who matter because he’s so on the fringe that it’s impossible to pull him into the mainstream. And he’d almost be a sympathetic character if he weren’t f-cking a teenager. Because I don’t care how “young at heart” or “hip” you are; statutory rape is statutory rape, even if it’s consensual statutory rape, and that’s just creepy, yo.
#4 – Michael Lohan
There’s not really an explanation as to why Michael Lohan’s on this list. He kicks women in the cooter, is King Douchebag of the Lohan Clan, isn’t even tolerated by the most unstable Lohan, and was once married to Dina Lohan. Plus, he sucks at escaping police custody. Please. Doesn’t all of that give him a lifetime membership card to, like, be on this list for the rest of his time on earth?
#3 – Kanye West
Kanye’s a drama queen. A drama queen who freaks out over projectile pieces of paper and a drama queen who compares himself to Hitler. Kanye thinks he’s God’s gift to politics, women, music, and the economy, and the only ones douchier than Kanye himself are his fans.
Jump in to find out who the top 2 douches of 2011 were!
December 27, 2011 at 9:30 am by Sarah
In the meantime, Kate Major has been keeping herself busy! To start, she sat down with Dr. Drew, who was happy to help her air some of her business on national television. She dropped a bunch of bombshells during their interview, too, like:
- Michael Lohan is on steroids
- Michael Lohan has been shopping around a sex tape that Kate Major says she didn’t know existed
- Michael Lohan was using the threat of said sex tape to make Kate Major drop her restraining order
- Michael Lohan once tried to force-feed Kate Major an eyeliner pencil
- No, she’s never met Lindsay
After the episode finished taping, Kate Major caught a flight from L.A. back to Tampa, where she lives. And you’ll never guess what happened next! Kate Major drunkenly assaulted someone on the flight! Right there in first class! Then she was escorted from the plane, arrested, cited with misdemeanor battery, and released. I know! And while this was all going down, Lindsay Lohan managed to serve an entire jail sentence.
(Image via The Hollywood Gossip.)
November 7, 2011 at 10:30 am by Jenn
For example, when Michael here decided that he wanted to talk to his girlfriend, Kate Major, just a couple days after getting arrested for beating and threatening to kill her, he went ahead and did it. He called and called her, and since Kate wasn’t quite ready to kiss and make up, she called the police, who rolled on over to Michael’s hotel to arrest him. But Michael Lohan is a resourceful man, and when pushed, he’s not afraid to do what it takes to survive and thrive. And that’s why instead of cooperating with the police, he jumped off his third story balcony, and then he got arrested. Michael Lohan does things on his own terms.
Did I mention that drugs and alcohol were involved?
October 28, 2011 at 4:30 pm by Emily
Predictably, this last time that Michael Lohan got arrested for assaulting his lady didn’t go so smoothly. Here’s what happened: the cops came, they handcuffed him, and then oh, ow, ouch, wait, chest pains! So the cops took him to the hospital to get him checked out, and then, quiet as a mouse and sly as a fox, Michael grabbed the chance to slink on out of police custody.
At least, he tried. The police officers were a bit quicker than him, however, and snatched him up to go back to the police station, still stylishly wrapped up in his hospital gown. Classic Lohan!
Hey, like daughter, like father, right? Is that how that saying goes?