Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Michael Lohan

The Top 5 Douchebags of 2011

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Yup, I spent the last few hours racking my brain over who the most obnoxious, most heinous celebrities were of 2011 and though there were probably, like, eighty-six I could have placed on this list (not including others from previous years that continue their douchebag reign well into the later parts of the decade), I decided on five.

#5 – Doug Hutchison
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I know. I know. Some of you guys probably have a soft little spot in your hearts for Doug Hutchison because he just seems on the outskirts of fame, sometimes brushing shoulders with it, but mostly being cast side-long glances by people who matter because he’s so on the fringe that it’s impossible to pull him into the mainstream. And he’d almost be a sympathetic character if he weren’t f-cking a teenager. Because I don’t care how “young at heart” or “hip” you are; statutory rape is statutory rape, even if it’s consensual statutory rape, and that’s just creepy, yo.

#4 – Michael Lohan
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There’s not really an explanation as to why Michael Lohan’s on this list. He kicks women in the cooter, is King Douchebag of the Lohan Clan, isn’t even tolerated by the most unstable Lohan, and was once married to Dina Lohan. Plus, he sucks at escaping police custody. Please. Doesn’t all of that give him a lifetime membership card to, like, be on this list for the rest of his time on earth?

#3 – Kanye West
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Kanye’s a drama queen. A drama queen who freaks out over projectile pieces of paper and a drama queen who compares himself to Hitler. Kanye thinks he’s God’s gift to politics, women, music, and the economy, and the only ones douchier than Kanye himself are his fans.

Jump in to find out who the top 2 douches of 2011 were!

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UPDATE: Gee, I Wonder What Kate Major and Michael Lohan Have Been Up To

Photo: Kate Major "resolves" some "issues" with "Dr." Drew Pinsky

Where’s Michael Lohan, anyway? Last I heard, he was in solitary confinement—no joke!—where he’ll fester until Wednesday.

In the meantime, Kate Major has been keeping herself busy! To start, she sat down with Dr. Drew, who was happy to help her air some of her business on national television. She dropped a bunch of bombshells during their interview, too, like:

- Michael Lohan is on steroids
- Michael Lohan has been shopping around a sex tape that Kate Major says she didn’t know existed
- Michael Lohan was using the threat of said sex tape to make Kate Major drop her restraining order
- Michael Lohan once tried to force-feed Kate Major an eyeliner pencil
- No, she’s never met Lindsay

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After the episode finished taping, Kate Major caught a flight from L.A. back to Tampa, where she lives. And you’ll never guess what happened next! Kate Major drunkenly assaulted someone on the flight! Right there in first class! Then she was escorted from the plane, arrested, cited with misdemeanor battery, and released. I know! And while this was all going down, Lindsay Lohan managed to serve an entire jail sentence.

(Image via The Hollywood Gossip.)

Michael Lohan Got Arrested Again, Tried to Escape by Jumping Off A Balcony

A photo of Michael Lohan

I’ll say this about Michael Lohan: the man has got gumption. Just when you think you’ve got him, BAM! No such luck! You can’t cage a wild animal, and Michael Lohan is no exception.

For example, when Michael here decided that he wanted to talk to his girlfriend, Kate Major, just a couple days after getting arrested for beating and threatening to kill her, he went ahead and did it. He called and called her, and since Kate wasn’t quite ready to kiss and make up, she called the police, who rolled on over to Michael’s hotel to arrest him. But Michael Lohan is a resourceful man, and when pushed, he’s not afraid to do what it takes to survive and thrive. And that’s why instead of cooperating with the police, he jumped off his third story balcony, and then he got arrested. Michael Lohan does things on his own terms.

Did I mention that drugs and alcohol were involved?

Michael Lohan Tried to Escape from Prison

A photo of Michael Lohan

That wily Michael Lohan! If you refuse to fellate him, you will be assaulted, and if you try to arrest him … well, you can arrest him, but don’t expect him take it lying down.

Predictably, this last time that Michael Lohan got arrested for assaulting his lady didn’t go so smoothly. Here’s what happened: the cops came, they handcuffed him, and then oh, ow, ouch, wait, chest pains! So the cops took him to the hospital to get him checked out, and then, quiet as a mouse and sly as a fox, Michael grabbed the chance to slink on out of police custody.

At least, he tried. The police officers were a bit quicker than him, however, and snatched him up to go back to the police station, still stylishly wrapped up in his hospital gown. Classic Lohan!

Hey, like daughter, like father, right? Is that how that saying goes?

Michael Lohan Arrested AGAIN (This Time Over a BJ), Faked a Heart Attack, Tried to Escape

Photo: Michael Lohan's mugshot. Lohan was booked Tuesday morning.

Same story, different day: Michael Lohan was arrested in the wee hours Tuesday morning for, once again, trying to beat up his sometimes-lady-friend, 28-year-old gossip journalist Kate Major. According to CNN, authorities responded to a call from Lohan’s Tampa home and immediately arrested Lohan for “battery on his live-in girlfriend,” the police statement said. Most news sources say the call came from Major’s home. Toe-may-toe, toe-mah-toe.

When D-Listed reported that this was all over a beej, I thought blogger Michael K was kidding. But Us confirms that the conflict escalated when Major refused to, uh, “go downtown.”

The remaining details outlined in the police report may not be appropriate for workplace-reading.

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Quotables: Michael Lohan Talks About Lindsay’s Teeth Too!

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“That’s from smoking a pipe with meth or crack. She’s smoking either crack or meth, one or the other. I’m not going to shade it. If you’re talking about prescription medication it would affect all your teeth, not just your two front teeth. You can’t dance with the devil and expect to go home with Jesus.”

- The ever wise Michael Lohan graces us with some of his infamous words of wisdom.

You know, as usual, Michael Lohan is so right. You really can’t dance with the devil and go home with Jesus, especially not Lindsay. Jesus would just be like “girl, have you seen them chompers? I’m going to sit this one out.” And then the devil would just be over in the corner, leering at Lindsay and licking his lips. And then Lindsay would know that she’s resigned herself to her fate, and it would be a cautionary tale for all.

Thanks, Daddy Lohan! Oh, and thanks for letting us know that your baby girl probably smokes crack! Much obliged!

Michael Lohan Does an Anti-Drinking and Driving PSA, Calls the Kettle Black

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Damn, I didn’t know Michael Lohan was an advocate for anything good. Seriously. Boyfriend kicks the crap out of his girlfriends, current and former, tries to break into his crackhead daughter’s apartment on what was probably a drunken bender, but now he’s doing PSAs for drunk driving? What a guy, right? Utter surprises at every turn with this one.

Michael, who was asked to do a video for drinkinganddriving.org (and what a fancy site it is, too), states:

Hi. I’m Michael Lohan. One of the biggest causes of teen death in America today is drinking and driving. So be an example, protect your kids. Don’t drink and drive.

Yes. We want to be examples like Michael Lohan, because it’s apparent that his shining beacon of paternal light and love has been such a great example for his daughter Lindsay and the rest of those other kids, too.

You can check the full video out at TMZ.