Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Michael Lohan

Michael Lohan Took A Paternity Test on TV, The Results Are SHOCKING

You won’t BELIEVE these test results! Is Michael Lohan the father of THIS 17-year-old girl? Does Lindsay Lohan have another SISTER? When DID Maury Povich get a spinoff? WE NEED THE ANSWERS NOW OH GOD NOW NOW NOW.

That was fun, but we don’t need to build the suspense any longer. Here are the results of the test:

This isn’t a huge surprise for a couple of reasons. This girl’s mom has been saying that Michael Lohan is the dude that got her pregnant for a good few years now, and it’s not like it’s hard to imagine Michael stepping out on Dina like that. But also, this girl kind of looks like Ali, right? Here, look at this picture of Ali Lohan:

A photo of Ali Lohan

Now just imagine her with a couple more pounds. Do you see it?

Regardless, let’s all take some time to send this brand new Lohan some well wishes. It’s got to be hard, you know? Imagine going about your life for 17 whole years, and then one day you find out that you are, without a shadow of a doubt, a Lohan. That would be hard, wouldn’t it?

Michael Lohan Didn’t Send Octomom to Rehab … OR DID HE?

A photo of Michael Lohan and Nadya Suleman

Who could forget this charming story? One of our very favorite famous fathers, Michael Lohan, was in charge of sending one of our very favorite famous mothers, Octomom, to rehab. Michael claimed that Octomom’s manager reached out to him and told him about Octomom’s problem with Xanax, and Michael was like “no problem, I got this.” He staged her intervention, and he set up a treatment program for her.

Except apparently this never happened.

Here’s the statement from Octomom’s rep:

“Michael Lohan’s only participation in this was that he gave me a number to a California rehab. [The TMZ story] also said that Michael and I arranged the treatment, which is not correct. Nadya wanted to check herself into treatment and came to me for help and I got her in.”

Right? But here’s what Michael said about that:

“I was contacted by Gina Rodriguez [Octomom's rep] to put together a TREATMENT PLAN and FACILITY for Nadya! Those things only! The most important thing is the willingness to realize and surrender to the issue and commit to getting help! Nadya was willing to!”

So it sounds like someone’s fibbing here, doesn’t it? And after this little exchange of statements, Octomom herself took a brief break from rehab to make her own:

“I chose to seek treatment after consulting with my manager regarding my recent use of Xanax, which was prescribed by my physician for panic attacks. There were no other people involved with me entering treatment other than my manager and myself. There was no intervention that took place. I am working in therapy every day with my doctors and therapists regarding the origin of these attacks so as not to have to rely on medications to handle it. I am paying for my own treatment; I am finding my voice here.”

This forces us to ask a very tough question: who is more trustworthy, Michael Lohan or Octomom?

Michael Lohan Was in Charge of Octomom’s Intervention

A photo of Michael Lohan

Can you imagine a world in which there is any connection between someone like Michael Lohan and Octomom? It would be like a world in which there’s a connection between Amanda Bynes and Courtney Stodden, or between that crazy unpredictable friend who drinks too much from high school and that crazy unpredictable friend who drinks too much from college. It’s a world where things don’t make sense, where forces can come together and the ramifications are terrifying.

This is the world that we live in.

From TMZ:

He failed miserably at getting Lindsay Lohan to enter rehab — but Michael Lohan was one of the main reasons Octomom is now getting help for drug abuse … because he personally arranged for her treatment program … TMZ has learned.

Michael tells us, he’s been running a nonprofit organization based in Florida for the last nine months that stages interventions for people in need of substance abuse treatment … and so far, he’s already performed over 25.

Sources close to Michael tell us, Octomom’s manager recently voiced her concerns to him about the mother of 14′s Xanax dependency — so Michael decided to take action last week, making arrangements for Octomom’s treatment program.

According to sources, Octomom’s team — with Michael’s help — then staged an intervention, and Octo agreed to get help.

Michael tells us, “The most important thing is the willingness to realize and surrender to the issue and commit to getting help, which Nadya did!”

He adds, “If it wasn’t for her manager Gina, my good friend, Tim Chapman at the Chapman house/Teen savers and Gina’s daughter, this would not have been possible. They deserve a lot of credit!”

Octo’s currently in a 30-day in-patient program, but she still gets to call her kids twice a day.

Thank you so much, Michael. You are the patron saint of making awful choices, never learning from them, and then teaching people from your mistakes that you never even understood. Never change. Unless you change in every conceivable way.