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Michael Lohan

Michael Lohan Has High Hopes for His Newest Kid

A photo of Kate Major

And yes, that is a recent photo of the lucky mother-to-be, Kate Major. Look at that bump! And she’s supposed to be in her first trimester. I know that all pregnancies look different, but doesn’t she look a little farther along than that? WHAT IF IT’S TWINS?!

Oh, I already have the answer to that question, by the way, the “what if it’s twins” thing. See, if it’s twins, then that will just be double the fun, and we’ll have the next Mary Kate and Ashley on our hands. We know that because of this quote that Huffington Post got from one of Kate Major’s “friends”:

“It is for sure his child and they are back together,” a friend of Kate’s tells me. “They are both very excited about the news and can’t wait for the arrival of the baby. Michael is already picking out names and hopes they have a daughter as beautiful and talented as Lindsay. This is a second chance for him to be the parent he always wanted to be.”

I know that it takes babies a little time to learn how to walk and all that, but could someone get on creating a miracle so that baby can start running as soon as it exits the womb? Because this whole thing is just going to be a giant ol’ mess. If Kate does give birth to a little girl, then Michael is going to be taking head shots before the rest of her body has left the vaginal canal. It’s going to be insane. I wouldn’t be surprised if he actually wanted to name his new daughter Lindsay, all in the name of second chances.

This whole thing reminds me of this V.C. Andrews series, which is neat. It’s the Gemini series, it’s all about these twins, a boy and a girl, and their mother favored the son, so when he died in an accident when he was a kid, she cut the daughter’s hair and dressed her up in his clothes and called her by his name. It was cool for a while, but then she got her period and then got pregnant, so things got a little awkward. My point is that if Michael and Kate have a son, then whoa, that boy better watch himself before he gets a raggedy ass weave.

Michael Lohan Is Going to Be A Dad Again!

A photo of Kate Major and Michael Lohan

And just to clarify, I’m not saying that Michael Lohan is going to step up and actually try to be a good father to the children he already has. No, when I say that Michael Lohan is going to be a dad again, I mean that, in just a few months’ time, he’s going to have a brand new kid to screw up. Because Michael Lohan knows what he’s good at, and he’s not going to hide his light under a bushel basket any longer.

Are you cringing just thinking about that? Yes? Well, then I have a bonus cringe for you: the mother of Michael’s latest spawn is none other than Kate Major, because of course. Kate Major, if you’ll remember, is the former tabloid journalist who quit her job to date Jon Gosselin, and then her life spiraled out of control from there. Obviously, she upgraded (???) to Michael, who is known for making amazingly romantic gestures like kicking Kate in the face, feeding her an eyeliner pencil, and selling naked photos of her because she totally deserved it. They’ve always had a sort of on again, off again thing, but at some point, Michael assaulted her and threatened to kill her for not giving him a blow job and she got a restraining order.

We know that they still hung out together after the restraining order, but I guess we didn’t know how intense their hangouts were. Hint: they were intense enough to make a baby. Kate’s still in her first trimester, but she’s already showing, so we know that Michael violated the restraining order that was just lifted a few weeks ago. With his dick. He violated the order with his dick.

Obviously, this brings up a whole lot of questions. Can the world handle another Lohan? Whose DNA would make a better Lohan spawn, Kate’s or Dina‘s? Isn’t it great that Lindsay is so responsible now so she can be an awesome big sister? WHY HAVE AT LEAST TWO PEOPLE AGREED TO HAVE SEX WITH MICHAEL LOHAN?!

Michael Lohan Explains Lindsay’s SNL Performance

A photo of Michael Lohan

Listen, I know I don’t have to tell you that Michael Lohan is an asshole of the first degree. He kicks his girlfriends in the crotch and then he makes secret sex tapes with them and tries to sell them without the girlfriend knowing they ever even existed. He’ll say anything and everything about his family if it will get him attention. He’s just not a great dude.

But Lindsay’s SNL hosting gig was particularly bad, so let’s just give him the benefit of the doubt and listen to what he has to say about it, all right?

Papa Lohan told exclusively, “I have to say this…on SNL, Lindsay was not using any illicit drugs or drinking but she still is on prescription drugs that they gave her. And the meds that they give her are meds that they say she needs, but she doesn’t need them. But they kind of make her flat. She’s not acting at a full potential. It’s like the screen is down over her.”

He went onto add, “And now when she did Glee I said, ‘Linds, get off the damn medication and let people see who you really are.’ And for a couple days before Glee, she went off this stuff. And there were tears in my eyes when I watched Glee. THAT was Lindsay. Yeah that was her acting. That is Lindsay Lohan at the Parent Trap, Freaky Friday and Mean Girls potential. That is what she was.”

Are these the same prescription drugs she was on back in 2010? Michael did not say. But if those are the same meds she was on, her probation papers back then indicated she was on antidepressants Zoloft and trazodone, stimulant Adderall, Nexium for acid reflux and super-strength painkiller Dilaudid for dental troubles.

Oh, so he came to the same conclusion that the rest of us made? It’s not exactly a stretch to say that Lindsay was on something during her performance, or at any other time, really, and it’s also pretty clear that Lindsay did a much better job on Glee than she did on Saturday Night Live. “Lindsay was on prescription drugs that made her acting flat,” what a sleuth that Michael Lohan is!

And, yep, still an asshole.

Quotables: Lindsay Lohan is Way Better Than Rosie O’Donnell

photo of michael lohan pics

“Who the hell is Rosie O’Donnell to judge anyone, especially Lindsay, who has far more talent than Rosie ever had? Lindsay’s talent isn’t limited to being a comedian or getting notoriety for adopting and raising a bunch of kids. Sure, [Lindsay] has her pitfalls, but she is 25, and how old is Rosie? Two failed talk shows, a failed marriage, etc … He/she who is without sin. May they cast the first stone.”

This is Michael Lohan, telling the world that Rosie O’Donnell is a big old piece of shit in comparison to his gem of a daughter, Lindsay Lohan, or as Emily so lovingly dubbed her earlier today, Ol’ Flop Lip. Which is staying. It’s staying FOREVER, because it made me laugh harder than probably anything has all week. Ol’ Flop Lip. Good God.

Anyway, Rosie O’Donnell was quoted as saying something like how there’s no way Lindsay’s going to be able to pull off playing Liz Taylor, and while yes, we all agree with her, saying this kind of stuff out loud is like shooting a dead dog. It’s just cruel and it’s kind of morbid. And it makes Michael Lohan open his mouth and say things, and I’m sorry, but that just never ends well. Normally it ends with a woman being kicked in the genitals, and we all know how uncomfortable that is for everyone involved.

Last, can we just drop this Lindsay Lohan-Liz Taylor thing? Because even if she does fabulously, it doesn’t count for a damn thing. IT’S A LIFETIME MOVIE, FOR F-CK’S SAKE.

Somebody Called the Cops on Michael Lohan Again

photo of michael lohan pictures photos crazy boxing face pic
From TMZ:

Kate Major just called the cops on Michael Lohan (again) — claiming he violated his restraining order (again) — but Michael insists it’s all BS (again).

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ, Michael’s on-again-off-again-on-again GF called the Delray Beach Police Dept. in Florida today, claiming Lohan had shown up to a salon she was at (a violation of the current protective order against him) and started furiously banging on the glass windows.

We’re told cops showed up — but by the time they arrived, Michael had already split.

But Lohan tells us, he didn’t violate the court order because Kate INVITED him to the salon in the first place … to borrow money from him.

Michael says Kate has been seriously involved with him recently and — shocker — the two have been secretly living together for awhile.

Law enforcement sources tell us, police took Kate’s report when they showed up to the salon — and have also spoken with Michael about his side of the story.

We’re told the case will be referred to the Florida State Attorney’s Office — to decide if charges will be filed.

Why is this even news?, you’re probably wondering. And I don’t blame you, because when the world resorts to reporting stories about Michael Lohan violating his restraining orders over and over and over again, there’s something definitely wrong. It really paints a sad picture about the way society is today, and I guess my point in all of this is FORCED STERILIZATION. I mean, Michael Lohan is a completely tooled-out douchebag. And he reproduced. With someone who is *almost* as complete a tooled-out douchebag—she‘s just better at hiding her insanity. And when they reproduced together, Lindsay Lohan was the end result, and we all know how big of a menace to society Lindsay is.

Honestly, I’m not entirely sure what’s more disturbing about this whole thing—the fact that Lindsay Lohan is the offspring of the two craziest parents in Long Island/Hollywood, or that Michael and Dina actually had to have sex—with one another—in order to make that happen. It’s like looking a gaping black hole in the face, and the empty, sucking feeling you get is from the BS vacuum that’s about to purge its gall. IN YOUR FACE.

Michael Lohan Defends Lindsay’s Honor!

A photo of Michael Lohan

Ok, we’ve got a little bit of catching up to do, ready? In the past couple of days, there’s been this story about Lindsay Lohan paying a porn star named Voodoo to have sex with her. It’s a story because Voodoo, who sounds like a super classy dude, did an interview where he said “ask him [Michael Lohan] if he knows about that night I had with his daughter while he was sleeping upstairs.” It’s gross, it’s not entirely unbelievable, but with everything that’s been going on with Lindsay lately, I thought I’d give her a break on this one.

But then Michael Lohan had to go and open his mouth, proving once again why he’s father of the year, and I can’t let it go anymore, I just can’t.

From Radar:

“This delusional moron wishes he had a nanosecond alone with Lindsay!” Michael Lohan charged. “If I ever caught a guy having sex with my daughter in my house I’d be in jail the rest of my life, especially a dirtball porn star. I’m a light sleeper.  I would never be asleep while my kids were in the house and awake.

“Another worm crawling out of the woodwork trying to get some publicity. But this time, it’s a person that doesn’t even have respect for himself, never mind Lindsay or anyone else. To begin with, not at ANY time that I was with my family or Lindsay at our home, or anywhere, did I go to sleep before my children did. Or allow any man/male and especially a sleazebag, alone with Lindsay. Can you imagine ME, Michael Lohan, of all fathers, allowing my daughter(s) to be alone with any guy while I was present? Ha ha!

“And if, by chance, a dirtball like Voodoo, snuck in, he wouldn’t have made it out. Last but not least, Lindsay would NEVER stoop to the level of this neophyte. (The lowest form of living organism on earth).

“Sad, very sad. I pity him.”

AHAHAHAHA. Sorry, guys, I had to take a short break to laugh forever. “Another worm crawling out of the woodwork trying to get some publicity, but this time, it’s a person that doesn’t even have respect for himself, never mind Lindsay or anyone else.” I’m sorry, Michael, but were you talking about yourself there? Because it really sounds like you were talking about yourself. When I think of people talking about Lindsay in an attempt to get some publicity, Michael Lohan is always at the top of the list.

Here’s a tip: when you bash someone for talking about Lindsay to get some attention from the media, you’re talking about Lindsay to get some attention from the media.

Michael Lohan Got A Job!

A photo of Michael Lohan

Everybody knows that Michael Lohan is a douchebag. That is the opposite of a secret. The guy kicks ladies straight in the vag, he made a sex tape of himself and his lady getting it on without his lady’s knowledge, and he had a hand in raising Lindsay Lohan. I think that about covers it.

But wait! There’s a chance that Michael Lohan might be turning over a new leaf! While it’s true that his own special brand of violent asshole behavior and infamous parenting skills won’t be overlooked anytime soon, this might actually be a step in the right direction. See, Michael Lohan has been in rehab, and now he’s living in a halfway house. The latest example of his progress? He filed an application down at the Burger King.

From TMZ:

Michael Lohan is finally gearing up to ask the burning question that may or may not have been on his mind for years — “Would you like fries with that?”

Sources tell TMZ, Michael filed an application with a local Burger King in Palm Beach, Florida yesterday after he was released from a residential treatment facility — which he was sentenced to as part of a plea deal in his domestic violence case involving ex-GF Kate Major.

According to sources, Lohan was moved to a 3-bedroom halfway house after his rehab release — and the counselors at the treatment center recommended he get a real job to pass the time … until his final release on March 16th.

We’re told the job’s primary purpose isn’t to make money — though $7.75 an hour ain’t bad — it’s to help residents like Michael slowly assimilate back into normal society.

So far, it’s unclear if he locked down the burger-flipping gig.

I’m not about to hate on getting a job at the Burger King: I think a job’s a job, and Michael Lohan certainly needs a job. He’s been out of touch with reality for way too long, and this seems like a great way to get him back in touch. Or it’s a great way to get some girl who can’t keep her mouth shut a good dousing with frying oil. Apples and oranges, I guess.

Hey, do any of you guys live in Palm Beach? Can we get a Burger King watch going strong? You can send us pictures of Michael hard at work, and bonus points if he gives you a crown!