Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Michael Lohan

Lindsay Lohan Is A Big Sister Again!

A photo of Lindsay Lohan

From TMZ:

Big day for Michael Lohan … his daughter escaped jail … and his fiancee just gave birth to a BOUNCING BABY BOY!!!

While Lindsay was sweatin’ it out in court, Kate Major went into labor at a Florida hospital.

We’re told Kate gave birth to a son — Landon Major Lohan — at 11:39 AM PT.

The baby weighed in at 19 3/4 inches, 7 lbs 5 oz … and is already wanted in 3 states (kidding!).

We’re told Michael was with Kate the entire time … and even cut the umbilical cord.

A rep for the family tells us baby, Michael and Kate are all doing great.

Congratulations, everybody! And by “congratulations,” of course I mean “someone please get that poor darling baby as far away from all these people as possible.” Michael Lohan probably didn’t need to be raising any kids in the first place, but I feel like now that his crazy asshole tendencies have really set in, this kid is in even more trouble than he would have been if he was part of the original Lohan brood. I mean, in a few years this kid can Google his dad and read all about the time that he kicked his mom in the vagina. That just has bad news written all over it.

Lindsay Lohan Probably Isn’t A Prostitute, Maybe

A photo of Lindsay Lohan

I just don’t know what to think, you guys. This is hard. Is Lindsay a prostitute? Is she not a prostitute? She’s so misunderstood. Just like her dad.

Because here’s what happened: there was this new story all about how Lindsay is getting paid to go on dates with rich dudes. Or, ok, obviously the story wasn’t new, but this quote from Michael Lohan was:

“She is getting paid to date rich men. Dina is pimping her out – it’s disgusting!”

But just shut your stupid mouths, because he never, ever said that, ok? Not ever. Not in a million years. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP.

From TMZ:

Lindsay Lohan is NOT banging rich dudes for money … despite reports she’s a highly paid escort — so says her father.

Michael Lohan is quoted in the reports in question, saying Lindsay is “getting paid to date rich men.” According to the reports, these dates last for several days and the men shower her with lavish gifts like jewelry.

One alleged client is the third in line for the throne of Brunei, who allegedly paid Lindsay $100,000 to celebrate New Year’s with him in London.

But Michael insists he was misquoted — telling TMZ, “By absolutely NO MEANS did I ever make such a statement … EVER!”

He adds, “Sure, Lindsay and [other celebs] make personal appearances and get paid for it! Sure, she and they get paid to go to birthday parties and other occasions! But for sex? Are you kidding me? I would never say that because she would NEVER do that and it NEVER happened!”

Oh, because Lindsay’s dad would be the first person she’d tell about it. Please. I don’t think that Lindsay would call herself a prostitute, but I don’t doubt that she’s making these “personal appearances,” and that sometimes the personal appearances take the form of dates, and sometimes, natch, dates lead to sex. How else does she ever have any money?

Report: Lindsay Lohan is Too Good for her New Half-Sister

photo of lindsay lohan pictures photos
You guys all know that Michael Lohan has another daughter, now, right? Because he does, and he did, and now his family is all up in arms over it and just can’t believe that someone who has a history of punching women in the crotch might actually get sick of punching the same woman in the same crotch month after month, year after year, and might actually step out on that woman in order to punch a different woman in the crotch once in awhile. With his penis.

Lindsay is probably the maddest of all, though, guys, and she’s got a good reason—she thinks that Michael (and his daughter) is disgusting. Disgusting. … And … well, yes, Lindsay, of course cheating is “disgusting,” and I can see why a child might be upset that their father was stepping out on his family while still impregnating their very own mother, filling her uterus with legitimate brothers and sisters time and time again, but I think it’s a little far-gone to be calling your father “disgusting,” when you’re the one who’s calling him to tell him that your mother is doing cocaine and “touching her neck and shit,” right? I mean, let’s be real for a second: you’re all kind of disgusting, and no amount of self-righteousness is going to void out all of that disgusting, girl, I’m sorry.

Michael’s response to the whole thing? This:

“I am sorry to hear Lindsay feels that way. I met Ashley and she is a good kid. But we all have our choices to make in life, as well as our own prerogatives. Who knows, maybe someday things will change. Regardless, I want the best for all my kids.”

Snap.