Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Michael Lohan

Lindsay Lohan Probably Isn’t A Prostitute, Maybe

A photo of Lindsay Lohan

I just don’t know what to think, you guys. This is hard. Is Lindsay a prostitute? Is she not a prostitute? She’s so misunderstood. Just like her dad.

Because here’s what happened: there was this new story all about how Lindsay is getting paid to go on dates with rich dudes. Or, ok, obviously the story wasn’t new, but this quote from Michael Lohan was:

“She is getting paid to date rich men. Dina is pimping her out – it’s disgusting!”

But just shut your stupid mouths, because he never, ever said that, ok? Not ever. Not in a million years. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP.

From TMZ:

Lindsay Lohan is NOT banging rich dudes for money … despite reports she’s a highly paid escort — so says her father.

Michael Lohan is quoted in the reports in question, saying Lindsay is “getting paid to date rich men.” According to the reports, these dates last for several days and the men shower her with lavish gifts like jewelry.

One alleged client is the third in line for the throne of Brunei, who allegedly paid Lindsay $100,000 to celebrate New Year’s with him in London.

But Michael insists he was misquoted — telling TMZ, “By absolutely NO MEANS did I ever make such a statement … EVER!”

He adds, “Sure, Lindsay and [other celebs] make personal appearances and get paid for it! Sure, she and they get paid to go to birthday parties and other occasions! But for sex? Are you kidding me? I would never say that because she would NEVER do that and it NEVER happened!”

Oh, because Lindsay’s dad would be the first person she’d tell about it. Please. I don’t think that Lindsay would call herself a prostitute, but I don’t doubt that she’s making these “personal appearances,” and that sometimes the personal appearances take the form of dates, and sometimes, natch, dates lead to sex. How else does she ever have any money?

Report: Lindsay Lohan is Too Good for her New Half-Sister

photo of lindsay lohan pictures photos
You guys all know that Michael Lohan has another daughter, now, right? Because he does, and he did, and now his family is all up in arms over it and just can’t believe that someone who has a history of punching women in the crotch might actually get sick of punching the same woman in the same crotch month after month, year after year, and might actually step out on that woman in order to punch a different woman in the crotch once in awhile. With his penis.

Lindsay is probably the maddest of all, though, guys, and she’s got a good reason—she thinks that Michael (and his daughter) is disgusting. Disgusting. … And … well, yes, Lindsay, of course cheating is “disgusting,” and I can see why a child might be upset that their father was stepping out on his family while still impregnating their very own mother, filling her uterus with legitimate brothers and sisters time and time again, but I think it’s a little far-gone to be calling your father “disgusting,” when you’re the one who’s calling him to tell him that your mother is doing cocaine and “touching her neck and shit,” right? I mean, let’s be real for a second: you’re all kind of disgusting, and no amount of self-righteousness is going to void out all of that disgusting, girl, I’m sorry.

Michael’s response to the whole thing? This:

“I am sorry to hear Lindsay feels that way. I met Ashley and she is a good kid. But we all have our choices to make in life, as well as our own prerogatives. Who knows, maybe someday things will change. Regardless, I want the best for all my kids.”

Snap.

Michael Lohan Took A Paternity Test on TV, The Results Are SHOCKING

You won’t BELIEVE these test results! Is Michael Lohan the father of THIS 17-year-old girl? Does Lindsay Lohan have another SISTER? When DID Maury Povich get a spinoff? WE NEED THE ANSWERS NOW OH GOD NOW NOW NOW.

That was fun, but we don’t need to build the suspense any longer. Here are the results of the test:

This isn’t a huge surprise for a couple of reasons. This girl’s mom has been saying that Michael Lohan is the dude that got her pregnant for a good few years now, and it’s not like it’s hard to imagine Michael stepping out on Dina like that. But also, this girl kind of looks like Ali, right? Here, look at this picture of Ali Lohan:

A photo of Ali Lohan

Now just imagine her with a couple more pounds. Do you see it?

Regardless, let’s all take some time to send this brand new Lohan some well wishes. It’s got to be hard, you know? Imagine going about your life for 17 whole years, and then one day you find out that you are, without a shadow of a doubt, a Lohan. That would be hard, wouldn’t it?

Michael Lohan Didn’t Send Octomom to Rehab … OR DID HE?

A photo of Michael Lohan and Nadya Suleman

Who could forget this charming story? One of our very favorite famous fathers, Michael Lohan, was in charge of sending one of our very favorite famous mothers, Octomom, to rehab. Michael claimed that Octomom’s manager reached out to him and told him about Octomom’s problem with Xanax, and Michael was like “no problem, I got this.” He staged her intervention, and he set up a treatment program for her.

Except apparently this never happened.

Here’s the statement from Octomom’s rep:

“Michael Lohan’s only participation in this was that he gave me a number to a California rehab. [The TMZ story] also said that Michael and I arranged the treatment, which is not correct. Nadya wanted to check herself into treatment and came to me for help and I got her in.”

Right? But here’s what Michael said about that:

“I was contacted by Gina Rodriguez [Octomom's rep] to put together a TREATMENT PLAN and FACILITY for Nadya! Those things only! The most important thing is the willingness to realize and surrender to the issue and commit to getting help! Nadya was willing to!”

So it sounds like someone’s fibbing here, doesn’t it? And after this little exchange of statements, Octomom herself took a brief break from rehab to make her own:

“I chose to seek treatment after consulting with my manager regarding my recent use of Xanax, which was prescribed by my physician for panic attacks. There were no other people involved with me entering treatment other than my manager and myself. There was no intervention that took place. I am working in therapy every day with my doctors and therapists regarding the origin of these attacks so as not to have to rely on medications to handle it. I am paying for my own treatment; I am finding my voice here.”

This forces us to ask a very tough question: who is more trustworthy, Michael Lohan or Octomom?

Michael Lohan Was in Charge of Octomom’s Intervention

A photo of Michael Lohan

Can you imagine a world in which there is any connection between someone like Michael Lohan and Octomom? It would be like a world in which there’s a connection between Amanda Bynes and Courtney Stodden, or between that crazy unpredictable friend who drinks too much from high school and that crazy unpredictable friend who drinks too much from college. It’s a world where things don’t make sense, where forces can come together and the ramifications are terrifying.

This is the world that we live in.

From TMZ:

He failed miserably at getting Lindsay Lohan to enter rehab — but Michael Lohan was one of the main reasons Octomom is now getting help for drug abuse … because he personally arranged for her treatment program … TMZ has learned.

Michael tells us, he’s been running a nonprofit organization based in Florida for the last nine months that stages interventions for people in need of substance abuse treatment … and so far, he’s already performed over 25.

Sources close to Michael tell us, Octomom’s manager recently voiced her concerns to him about the mother of 14′s Xanax dependency — so Michael decided to take action last week, making arrangements for Octomom’s treatment program.

According to sources, Octomom’s team — with Michael’s help — then staged an intervention, and Octo agreed to get help.

Michael tells us, “The most important thing is the willingness to realize and surrender to the issue and commit to getting help, which Nadya did!”

He adds, “If it wasn’t for her manager Gina, my good friend, Tim Chapman at the Chapman house/Teen savers and Gina’s daughter, this would not have been possible. They deserve a lot of credit!”

Octo’s currently in a 30-day in-patient program, but she still gets to call her kids twice a day.

Thank you so much, Michael. You are the patron saint of making awful choices, never learning from them, and then teaching people from your mistakes that you never even understood. Never change. Unless you change in every conceivable way.

Lindsay’s Drinking A Bottle of Vodka A Day, Also Enjoying Cocaine

A photo of Lindsay Lohan

Yeah, this is that intervention thing again. How crazy was that, huh? When I first read about it, I assumed it was just Michael Lohan trying to earn another Father of the Year award and some free press, but I was wrong. It turns out that Lindsays’ entire team – her manager and her lawyers included – were in on the intervention.

TMZ even has the emails between Michael and Lindsay’s people:

Michael Lohan was NOT ALONE in orchestrating an emergency intervention on Lindsay Friday — and TMZ has seen emails proving that her ENTIRE team, including her lawyers and her manager … were 100% on board.

The emails are between Michael, Evan Hainey (LiLo’s manager) Dave Feldman(entertainment lawyer) and Shawn Holley (criminal defense lawyer). The emails were sent between Sept. 23rd and Oct. 18th (the day before Michael’s intervention).

Michael emailed Evan and Shawn on Sept. 23rd, claiming he had been informed by several people Lindsay was “drinking between a bottle and a bottle and a half of vodka per day” adding, “I have seen the empty bottles and even cocaine in her room at Chateau.”

Michael continues, “She is AGAIN, taking pills to keep her up and to sleep (adderall)!! I even know that she is and was drinking during work as far back as Liz and Dick!”

Michael then pleads, “I am asking you to PLEASE PLEASE find a way to get her to LA toward the end of the first week of October or the beginning of the second so we can do an intervention and FINALLY end this madness!”

LiLo’s manager Evan responds the same day to Michael and Shawn, “I am hearing the same things.” Evan continues, Lindsay will fly back to L.A. Oct 15th — and they should plan an intervention for that week.

Lindsay’s lawyer Shawn responds unequivocally, “Let’s do it.”

On Oct. 12th Michael and LiLo’s entertainment lawyer, Dave, sent multiple emails to each other — planning a conference call with a well-known interventionist, named Earl Hightower.

Then on Oct. 18th (the day before the intervention) Michael sent an email to Evan … revealing a plan to confront LiLo at her Bev Hills home.

According to text messages from Oct 19th, which we have also seen, the group decided Michael would confront LiLo FIRST … and everyone else would show up afterwards.

Oh, and also, Michael wants to get Lindsay a conservatorship, Britney style. But get this: he doesn’t want to be the conservator. He wants a judge to find a good one who will send her off to a rehab where she won’t be able to contact anyone, because with her previous visits to rehab, “she went in dirty and didn’t come out clean.” Is Michael Lohan actually concerned about his daughter now?

Michael Lohan to Dina: “Fix Your Soul”

A photo of Michael Lohan and Dina Lohan

From Radar:

Michael Lohan is blasting his ex-wife Dina for wanting to do an interview with TV host Dr. Drew Pinsky after her disastrous appearance on Dr. Phil, and for wanting another shot with Dr. Phil.

As RadarOnline.com previously reported, Lindsay Lohan’s mom wants to return to the talk show circuit even though her chat last Monday with Dr. Phil was a train wreck.In a RadarOnline.com exclusive, her ex says he thinks she shouldn’t consider doing another interview with either TV doc.

“Dina wants a second chance with Dr. Drew! She must be wasted because she walked out on the first chance,” Michael tells us. “Now she’s asking Dr. Phil for a second chance! Why doesn’t she take a ‘chance’ and do an interview FACE-TO-FACE with me? I’ll tell you why! It’s because she can’t look at me and lie! She tried ONCE in counseling and walked out in three minutes after the therapist told her to be honest. She wouldn’t even attend family weekend together with me FOR LINDSAY at Betty Ford! She refused to at [the rehab facility] Cirque and Betty Ford. She can’t face me or tell Lindsay…the truth.

“If she does go on a second time, this time I will bring ALLLLL the proof to prove her lies that weren’t ‘aired’ on my five minutes of Dr. Phil. That includes documents and plenty of voice recordings.”

And, in a direct message to his ex-wife, Lohan says: “Everyone has already seen the real you on Dr. Phil and [with] Matt Lauer. Instead of a talk show, go to rehab! Sober up and learn to stop using our kids as pawns like you just did to Lindsay again after calling out for me after her arrest! Fix YOUR soul!”

I really needed a good laugh right about now, so how perfect is it that I came across this story where Michael Lohan tells Dina Lohan, another person in this world who is not Michael Lohan, that she needs to fix her soul and “stop using our kids as pawns”? It’s not only like the pot calling the kettle black, it’s like the pot calling the kettle black and being super judgy and preachy about it. And it’s hilarious. You know, when you don’t consider the fact that these are real people who are being completely serious and who have a bunch of children together.