7Michael Lohan Was in Charge of Octomom’s Intervention

Can you imagine a world in which there is any connection between someone like Michael Lohan and Octomom? It would be like a world in which there’s a connection between Amanda Bynes and Courtney Stodden, or between that crazy unpredictable friend who drinks too much from high school and that crazy unpredictable friend who drinks too much from college. It’s a world where things don’t make sense, where forces can come together and the ramifications are terrifying.

This is the world that we live in.

From TMZ:

He failed miserably at getting Lindsay Lohan to enter rehab — but Michael Lohan was one of the main reasons Octomom is now getting help for drug abuse … because he personally arranged for her treatment program … TMZ has learned.

Michael tells us, he’s been running a nonprofit organization based in Florida for the last nine months that stages interventions for people in need of substance abuse treatment … and so far, he’s already performed over 25.

Sources close to Michael tell us, Octomom’s manager recently voiced her concerns to him about the mother of 14′s Xanax dependency — so Michael decided to take action last week, making arrangements for Octomom’s treatment program.

According to sources, Octomom’s team — with Michael’s help — then staged an intervention, and Octo agreed to get help.

Michael tells us, “The most important thing is the willingness to realize and surrender to the issue and commit to getting help, which Nadya did!”

He adds, “If it wasn’t for her manager Gina, my good friend, Tim Chapman at the Chapman house/Teen savers and Gina’s daughter, this would not have been possible. They deserve a lot of credit!”

Octo’s currently in a 30-day in-patient program, but she still gets to call her kids twice a day.

Thank you so much, Michael. You are the patron saint of making awful choices, never learning from them, and then teaching people from your mistakes that you never even understood. Never change. Unless you change in every conceivable way.

November 1, 2012 at 4:30 am by Emily

2Lindsay’s Drinking A Bottle of Vodka A Day, Also Enjoying Cocaine

Yeah, this is that intervention thing again. How crazy was that, huh? When I first read about it, I assumed it was just Michael Lohan trying to earn another Father of the Year award and some free press, but I was wrong. It turns out that Lindsays’ entire team – her manager and her lawyers included – were in on the intervention.

TMZ even has the emails between Michael and Lindsay’s people:

Michael Lohan was NOT ALONE in orchestrating an emergency intervention on Lindsay Friday — and TMZ has seen emails proving that her ENTIRE team, including her lawyers and her manager … were 100% on board.

The emails are between Michael, Evan Hainey (LiLo’s manager) Dave Feldman(entertainment lawyer) and Shawn Holley (criminal defense lawyer). The emails were sent between Sept. 23rd and Oct. 18th (the day before Michael’s intervention).

Michael emailed Evan and Shawn on Sept. 23rd, claiming he had been informed by several people Lindsay was “drinking between a bottle and a bottle and a half of vodka per day” adding, “I have seen the empty bottles and even cocaine in her room at Chateau.”

Michael continues, “She is AGAIN, taking pills to keep her up and to sleep (adderall)!! I even know that she is and was drinking during work as far back as Liz and Dick!”

Michael then pleads, “I am asking you to PLEASE PLEASE find a way to get her to LA toward the end of the first week of October or the beginning of the second so we can do an intervention and FINALLY end this madness!”

LiLo’s manager Evan responds the same day to Michael and Shawn, “I am hearing the same things.” Evan continues, Lindsay will fly back to L.A. Oct 15th — and they should plan an intervention for that week.

Lindsay’s lawyer Shawn responds unequivocally, “Let’s do it.”

On Oct. 12th Michael and LiLo’s entertainment lawyer, Dave, sent multiple emails to each other — planning a conference call with a well-known interventionist, named Earl Hightower.

Then on Oct. 18th (the day before the intervention) Michael sent an email to Evan … revealing a plan to confront LiLo at her Bev Hills home.

According to text messages from Oct 19th, which we have also seen, the group decided Michael would confront LiLo FIRST … and everyone else would show up afterwards.

Oh, and also, Michael wants to get Lindsay a conservatorship, Britney style. But get this: he doesn’t want to be the conservator. He wants a judge to find a good one who will send her off to a rehab where she won’t be able to contact anyone, because with her previous visits to rehab, “she went in dirty and didn’t come out clean.” Is Michael Lohan actually concerned about his daughter now?

October 22, 2012 at 4:30 am by Emily

1Michael Lohan to Dina: “Fix Your Soul”

From Radar:

Michael Lohan is blasting his ex-wife Dina for wanting to do an interview with TV host Dr. Drew Pinsky after her disastrous appearance on Dr. Phil, and for wanting another shot with Dr. Phil.

As RadarOnline.com previously reported, Lindsay Lohan’s mom wants to return to the talk show circuit even though her chat last Monday with Dr. Phil was a train wreck.In a RadarOnline.com exclusive, her ex says he thinks she shouldn’t consider doing another interview with either TV doc.

“Dina wants a second chance with Dr. Drew! She must be wasted because she walked out on the first chance,” Michael tells us. “Now she’s asking Dr. Phil for a second chance! Why doesn’t she take a ‘chance’ and do an interview FACE-TO-FACE with me? I’ll tell you why! It’s because she can’t look at me and lie! She tried ONCE in counseling and walked out in three minutes after the therapist told her to be honest. She wouldn’t even attend family weekend together with me FOR LINDSAY at Betty Ford! She refused to at [the rehab facility] Cirque and Betty Ford. She can’t face me or tell Lindsay…the truth.

“If she does go on a second time, this time I will bring ALLLLL the proof to prove her lies that weren’t ‘aired’ on my five minutes of Dr. Phil. That includes documents and plenty of voice recordings.”

And, in a direct message to his ex-wife, Lohan says: “Everyone has already seen the real you on Dr. Phil and [with] Matt Lauer. Instead of a talk show, go to rehab! Sober up and learn to stop using our kids as pawns like you just did to Lindsay again after calling out for me after her arrest! Fix YOUR soul!”

I really needed a good laugh right about now, so how perfect is it that I came across this story where Michael Lohan tells Dina Lohan, another person in this world who is not Michael Lohan, that she needs to fix her soul and “stop using our kids as pawns”? It’s not only like the pot calling the kettle black, it’s like the pot calling the kettle black and being super judgy and preachy about it. And it’s hilarious. You know, when you don’t consider the fact that these are real people who are being completely serious and who have a bunch of children together.

September 24, 2012 at 10:30 am by Emily

3Michael Lohan Has High Hopes for His Newest Kid

And yes, that is a recent photo of the lucky mother-to-be, Kate Major. Look at that bump! And she’s supposed to be in her first trimester. I know that all pregnancies look different, but doesn’t she look a little farther along than that? WHAT IF IT’S TWINS?!

Oh, I already have the answer to that question, by the way, the “what if it’s twins” thing. See, if it’s twins, then that will just be double the fun, and we’ll have the next Mary Kate and Ashley on our hands. We know that because of this quote that Huffington Post got from one of Kate Major’s “friends”:

“It is for sure his child and they are back together,” a friend of Kate’s tells me. “They are both very excited about the news and can’t wait for the arrival of the baby. Michael is already picking out names and hopes they have a daughter as beautiful and talented as Lindsay. This is a second chance for him to be the parent he always wanted to be.”

I know that it takes babies a little time to learn how to walk and all that, but could someone get on creating a miracle so that baby can start running as soon as it exits the womb? Because this whole thing is just going to be a giant ol’ mess. If Kate does give birth to a little girl, then Michael is going to be taking head shots before the rest of her body has left the vaginal canal. It’s going to be insane. I wouldn’t be surprised if he actually wanted to name his new daughter Lindsay, all in the name of second chances.

This whole thing reminds me of this V.C. Andrews series, which is neat. It’s the Gemini series, it’s all about these twins, a boy and a girl, and their mother favored the son, so when he died in an accident when he was a kid, she cut the daughter’s hair and dressed her up in his clothes and called her by his name. It was cool for a while, but then she got her period and then got pregnant, so things got a little awkward. My point is that if Michael and Kate have a son, then whoa, that boy better watch himself before he gets a raggedy ass weave.

July 23, 2012 at 5:30 am by Emily

6Michael Lohan Is Going to Be A Dad Again!

And just to clarify, I’m not saying that Michael Lohan is going to step up and actually try to be a good father to the children he already has. No, when I say that Michael Lohan is going to be a dad again, I mean that, in just a few months’ time, he’s going to have a brand new kid to screw up. Because Michael Lohan knows what he’s good at, and he’s not going to hide his light under a bushel basket any longer.

Are you cringing just thinking about that? Yes? Well, then I have a bonus cringe for you: the mother of Michael’s latest spawn is none other than Kate Major, because of course. Kate Major, if you’ll remember, is the former tabloid journalist who quit her job to date Jon Gosselin, and then her life spiraled out of control from there. Obviously, she upgraded (???) to Michael, who is known for making amazingly romantic gestures like kicking Kate in the face, feeding her an eyeliner pencil, and selling naked photos of her because she totally deserved it. They’ve always had a sort of on again, off again thing, but at some point, Michael assaulted her and threatened to kill her for not giving him a blow job and she got a restraining order.

We know that they still hung out together after the restraining order, but I guess we didn’t know how intense their hangouts were. Hint: they were intense enough to make a baby. Kate’s still in her first trimester, but she’s already showing, so we know that Michael violated the restraining order that was just lifted a few weeks ago. With his dick. He violated the order with his dick.

Obviously, this brings up a whole lot of questions. Can the world handle another Lohan? Whose DNA would make a better Lohan spawn, Kate’s or Dina‘s? Isn’t it great that Lindsay is so responsible now so she can be an awesome big sister? WHY HAVE AT LEAST TWO PEOPLE AGREED TO HAVE SEX WITH MICHAEL LOHAN?!

July 16, 2012 at 4:30 am by Emily

1Michael Lohan Explains Lindsay’s SNL Performance

Listen, I know I don’t have to tell you that Michael Lohan is an asshole of the first degree. He kicks his girlfriends in the crotch and then he makes secret sex tapes with them and tries to sell them without the girlfriend knowing they ever even existed. He’ll say anything and everything about his family if it will get him attention. He’s just not a great dude.

But Lindsay’s SNL hosting gig was particularly bad, so let’s just give him the benefit of the doubt and listen to what he has to say about it, all right?

Papa Lohan told Celebrityviplounge.com exclusively, “I have to say this…on SNL, Lindsay was not using any illicit drugs or drinking but she still is on prescription drugs that they gave her. And the meds that they give her are meds that they say she needs, but she doesn’t need them. But they kind of make her flat. She’s not acting at a full potential. It’s like the screen is down over her.”

He went onto add, “And now when she did Glee I said, ‘Linds, get off the damn medication and let people see who you really are.’ And for a couple days before Glee, she went off this stuff. And there were tears in my eyes when I watched Glee. THAT was Lindsay. Yeah that was her acting. That is Lindsay Lohan at the Parent Trap, Freaky Friday and Mean Girls potential. That is what she was.”

Are these the same prescription drugs she was on back in 2010? Michael did not say. But if those are the same meds she was on, her probation papers back then indicated she was on antidepressants Zoloft and trazodone, stimulant Adderall, Nexium for acid reflux and super-strength painkiller Dilaudid for dental troubles.

Oh, so he came to the same conclusion that the rest of us made? It’s not exactly a stretch to say that Lindsay was on something during her performance, or at any other time, really, and it’s also pretty clear that Lindsay did a much better job on Glee than she did on Saturday Night Live. “Lindsay was on prescription drugs that made her acting flat,” what a sleuth that Michael Lohan is!

And, yep, still an asshole.

May 28, 2012 at 5:30 am by Emily