Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Michael Lohan

Michael Lohan Is The Most Stable Lohan

Molls reported yesterday that Michael Lohan’s girlfriend, Kate Major, filed a police report against Michael, claiming that he assaulted her.  Since then, there have been some pretty interesting developments.  It looks to me like Lindsay passed off the train wreck baton to Daddy!

TMZ has obtained the police report that Kate filed, and here’s how that whole story goes:

According to Kate’s complaint she says, “My fiance Michael Lohan came home while I was sleeping in a sofa chair.  He woke me up, yelling, ‘Why didn’t you pick up your cell phone, you stupid c**t.’”

Kate continues, “He then turned over the chair while I was still in it, tossing me to the floor.  I crawled to the other side of the room to get away from him.  He walked over to me, took his shoe off and kicked me in my face while I was still on the ground.  He stood over me and said, ‘I’m going to go back to jail cause of you, cause I will kill you.’”

Kate says, “He said all of this to me cause he is afraid I’m going to leave him.  I am very afraid of him.”

Police officers noted in the report that Kate had a swollen lip, and she also had a sore collarbone and a scraped knee.  Classy stuff, Michael.  He’s been officially charged with 2nd degree harassment, and he’ll be arraigned on August 18.  Here’s what Michael’s lawyer had to say about the whole situation:

“Michael Lohan 100% denies each and every one of Kate Major’s allegations.  He has never threatened to harm her, never assaulted her, and never physically abused her in any way.

Kate was heavily intoxicated during the verbal argument between Michael and Kate in the early afternoon on Monday.  Michael Lohan has been clean and sober for six years.

Michael Lohan is fully cooperating with the police investigation.  No charges have been filed.  He expects to be fully vindicated.”

My favorite part is the part in the middle where they say that Kate was drunk, but Michael Lohan was not, because he’s a fucking miracle and don’t you forget it.  I don’t understand why that’s relevant – it sounds like they’re saying “no, none of this happened, but if it did, it was probably divine punishment that Michael executed for God Himself in an attempt to save her sinful soul from an eternity of hellfire.”  I don’t care how drunk you are, I’m pretty sure you’d at least vaguely recall your boyfriend knocking you around and threatening to kill you.  But maybe that’s just me.

Michael Lohan: Solid Dude

Michael Lohan is facing some pretty terrible accusations again, this time that he beat up his fiance, Kate Major. Kate filed a police report with the Southampton Town Police, and what she claims he did to her is pretty serious stuff:

From TMZ:

We’re told Kate Major claims … on Monday at around 2 PM, just before Michael flew to L.A. for Lindsay Lohan’s hearing, they began arguing and Michael allegedly shoved her over a chair, injuring her shoulder.

Sources say Major claims while she was on the ground Michael kicked her in the face.

Of course Michael is denying that he ever even touched Kate, and while Miss Major is known for being somewhat of a famewhore, I don’t think she’s bogus enough to make these kind of false claims. And we can’t forget that this isn’t the first time Lindsay’s dad has been accused of beating up a lady.

Can’t they just keep this guy locked up?

Hey, Lindz. Your Daddy Wants To Tell You How To Survive In The Slammer

We all knew the “Michael Lohan Guide to Prison Survival” was going to get released at some point, and thankfully we didn’t have to wait long. Michael gave an interview to US Weekly about his daughter Lindsay’s jail sentence and the things she can do to get by most easily while in there.

Let’s read that, shall we?

It’s not going to be a good experience for her. Right now, she should be working on rectifying the situation and getting better.

It’s just a horrible experience. Twenty-three hours a day, she’ll be locked up. I’m going to get her out of that cell as much as I can. And Kate will be there, and we’ll work to get her out of that cell as much as possible.

She knows I still want to throw her in [rehab]. I’ve been trying to tell her how much I love her, that I’m behind her, that when she’s ready, I’m ready to help her.

If she would just realize that what she’s taking is toxic…. Dina has denied that Lindsay is on prescription meds. Lindsay has denied that she is on prescription meds. Her friends have. Everyone has! And look at her! They’re lying.”

Dina should be concentrating on helping Lindsay get off of the prescription drugs instead of stealing Fudgy the Whales from Carvel!

I had a feeling that Lindsay might go to jail and I wanted to be there for her, but I wanted to be there, more importantly, to submit the letter to the judge in hopes that she would just give her rehab, which she did consider and I appreciate that. But at the same time, Lindsay is not a criminal. She is a woman with a disease. She really is. She needs help. She needs medical attention.”

Get off the adderall, that I agree with. Visitation will probably be an important thing to her sanity, sure. Rehab? Well, she’s definitely not going to be allowed to take adderall in jail, and the court sentenced her to a 90 day rehab treatment after her 90 days in jail, so that’s actually covered. And re: those Carvel cakes… You shut the fuck up, Michael Lohan. Let her eat all the Fudgy the Whales she wants.