Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Michael Lohan

Guess Who Michael Lohan’s Not Kissing

Uh, if you guessed Lindsay, you’d be right. But you’d also be of, like, super-investigator caliber, because this woman looks just like Lindsay.

Now that the engagement is clearly off between Kate Major and Michael Lohan, he’s taken the liberty of moving along to another faux-blonde in New York (and what the fuck are these people thinking, shacking up with Michael Lohan, anyway?!) and was photographed swapping spit (ew, ew, ew) with her just this past weekend.

OK. I guess we’ll read about the new chick in a few weeks, or a few months. Arm yourself with a protective cup and a mouth guard … this shit could get ugly.

Move Over, Jon Bon Jovi

Or are you the “friend” behind this recording? No? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

TMZ has learned that Michael Lohan penned a heartwarming love song for his very own lawbreaker junior, Lindsay. As far as I can tell from the refrain, the title of the song is “A Father’s Love Will Never Die.” But it could also be “I Love You So Much,” or “My Love For You is Alive,” or maybe even “Always Daddy’s Little Girl.” Oh, or “I Miss You So Much.” Any one of them would work, really — they’re all so classically beautiful and … poignant.

You can listen to it here, and weigh in on the masterpiece that is clearly this song.

… Oh God. How horribly cheesy, embarrassing, and self-righteous. Precisely what you’d expect from Michael Lohan himself. Great job on staying true to yourself, guy. Do what you do best.

Michael Lohan is Far More Disgusting Than You Ever Imagined

You know, just when you thought Michael Lohan couldn’t sink any further (and how much further could you sink after kicking a girlfriend in a crotch, and then another girlfriend in the face?), he goes and outdoes himself: it’s been confirmed that Michael sold naked, sleeping photos of his (I’m assuming “ex”) fiancee, Kate Major, in an attempt to retaliate after she went public with abuse claims.

The photos were said to be taken this past April, and were done without knowledge — or approval — of Kate, who is now considering criminal charges against Lohan.

As for Michael? He definitely thinks that his reprehensible actions are justifiable:

“She [Kate] has no money, no job and she’s been living off of me for the last 8 months… and her dad just cut her off. If she doesn’t stop the nonsense, more and more will come out. I am tired of being used and people who need to make up stories to make money off others. I have more important issues to deal with than Kate Major.”

What a stellar, stellar man. I hear there’s a cell open next to his daughter; maybe the two could bunk up and get some quality time in. I mean, if this isn’t some kind of sexual violation that’s deserving of jail time, I don’t know what is.

Way to go, fuckhead.