13Like Father, Like Daughter: Papa Lohan Likes Crotch Shots, Too

[Ed. Note: So, I'm Sarah and I'm filling in for Molls for the remainder of the day.  I'm not as cute and don't smell as good -- kidding -- but I think I can clumsily take the reins well enough to satisfy your gossip-ogling pleasures.  She'll return bright and early in the morning, but until then, you're just going to have to tolerate me hogging the blogosphere of EB Media.  Enjoy!]

Michael Lohan has come forward with some serious allegations against his ex, Erin Muller.  You know the one;  she’s the lady that plugged him with a shoe last month.  Yeah, that Mike Lohan ex.

Muller has come forward to refute his claims of abuse and to add her own special sauce to the mix. Muller claims that on several occasions, Lohan punched her in the face, slapped her, threw blunt objects at her and … aimed a swift kick to her crotch.

God.  Doesn’t this douchebag know that a kick to the cooter just doesn’t hurt?  What’s this guy trying to prove, anyway?  What, did he think she had balls or something?

This guy’s such a twat.  Really.  He’s the guy that doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground.  Yep, he’s That Guy.  Even better, he’s the guy who doesn’t know the difference between himself and a twat.  I always said this guy’d be kicking himself down the road — I just didn’t expect it to be so damned literal.

December 29, 2009 at 2:00 pm by Sarah

6Actually, It’s Everyone Except Michael Lohan Who Needs To Get Help

Michael Lohan doesn’t have a problem, OK? It’s not him, it’s all the drug-riddled crazies in his life. Him and his sheer muscle shirts and Jesus talk and paparazzi-calling ways are just fine… or so he’d have you believe, anyway.

In case you missed it, Michael Lohan was in the news last week because his ex-girlfriend Erin Muller put a call in to the police claiming that Michael had “started harassing me, questioning me who I have ‘been with, who’s car was currently in my drive way,’ things like that.” Sounds like pretty typical psycho ex-lover crap to me, but of course we’re talking about Michael Lohan (I love referring to him by his full name, can you tell?), so Erin is legitimately fearing for her life. She told the police that she was certain that he was capable of causing physical harm to her or her family.

Like the true example of a good father and real man that he is, Michael has now responded to Erin’s claims publicly and it looks like he’s fallen back on one of his old favorites: He’s calling her a druggie.

From TMZ:

Michael Lohan tried getting his ex-fiancee arrested, claiming — just like he did with daughter Lindsay Lohan — his primary concern is getting the people he loves off drugs.

TMZ has obtained a police report filed by Michael on December 21. Lohan says, “My ex-fiance, Erin Muller, threatened me with a knife during an argument several months ago and I wish to pursue charges.”

Lohan then goes on to say … “I did not report this at the time because I wanted her to get help for her addictions.”

Brave Michael Lohan! At the hands of yet another addict! I can hardly believe it! This poor man has faced so much adversity in his life, can’t he just catch a break and finally meet some normal people to surround himself with? Jeez Louise! People are going to start thinking there’s something wrong with this guy because he attracts so many toxic personalities!

December 28, 2009 at 9:51 am by Molls

3Michael Lohan Went to Jail, and Then Unfortunately They Let Him Out

I don’t know that there are really words to express my disdain for Michael Lohan. It hurts me to write about him; it hurts me to think about him. If I had to play a game of Fuck Marry Kill with Michael Lohan, Joe Francis and Brandon Davis, I think I’d choose to kill myself instead. He’s like the most evil thing on the planet, and, like I always say, it’s a goddamn miracle Lindsay Lohan turned out so well with him as a parent.

That said, someone finally got it right and threw him in jail on Monday because he tried to make a phone call to his ex-girlfriend, Erin Mueller, who has a restraining order out against him. Let me get this straight: The authorities can arrest this slimeball for making a phone call, but no one can do anything about the fact that he recorded super-private conversations with his daughter and then sold them to Radar?

The terrible news is that he was released several hours later. WHY GOD WHY??? I can’t wait until he assaults someone with a shoe again and we can be rid of this asshole for another few years. If the recipient of the shoe assault could be Jon Gosselin, I will personally show up in court to offer my thanks to God and all that is holy in gossip.

December 14, 2009 at 10:20 pm by Evil Beet

11Michael Lohan Subpoenaed in TLC vs. Gosselin Law Suit

That’s the problem with famewhores: They will team up with you to try and gain relevance and stab you in the back once it benefits them. Trust me, I deal with it all the time. There’s paparazzi parked outside my house right now. I mean, can’t a girl just walk her dog or get a damn latte without being inundated by flashbulbs and TLC and everyone wanting to know if I’m dating James Franco again? God! Fame is so crazy and fickle!

ANYWAY! TLC’s lawsuit against Jon Gosselin and they’re pulling out all the stops. The other day Jon’s trashy girlfriend Haily Glassman got her subpoena and today Michael Lohan got his. Oh, this is going to be more delicious than a number six value meal from Wendy’s. I can already feel it in my bones!

Michael’s input is important because two knuckle heads had been scheming together on some plans for endorsements, book deals. Michael said that he knew something was fishy with Jon, because he’d vacillate on his ability to get involved with such projects due to his TLC contract.

Lohan also quickly copped to the fact that Jon had taken cash money (aka not documented) for several appearances and gigs that were also in breach of his contract. Sounds like these two were really close, huh?

November 9, 2009 at 3:35 pm by Molls

4Lindsay Lohan Begged Her Mother to Stay With Abusive Dad

I’m just going to stop talking about the Lohan battle of the written word after today, because they have definitely entered Gosselin territory.  Michael Lohan released random, recorded phone call tapes to Radar Online and RO has deftly crafted a major “Exclusive Breaking News” type of story out of them.  Every.  Day.

If you’ve been smart enough to avoid all the updates, let me get you up to speed.  Michael wants Linds in rehab.  Linds doesn’t want to go.  Dina tried to get Linds to go.  Linds punched Dina in the face.  Michael thinks that cocaine God is punishing Linds, stripping her of her career, as retribution for all the lies she tells.  Lies that include Linds’ Twitter account of all the gory details of her parent’s marriage.  All of America doesn’t give a crapness about any of it and is actually craving a Gosselin brawl right about now.

In other words, the Lohans are fucking nuts.  Hollywood needs to capture this in a new reality show.  Like, they could lock all the Lohans in the Dr. Phil house for a long weekend — Gah!  Dr. Phil would love to get a piece of that action — and let them have at it (in front of cameras, of course) until a winner is declared.  And I think we all know who that winner would be:  Linds’ brother, Michael Lohan Jr. who is absolutely the sanest of that bunch.

November 6, 2009 at 1:00 pm by Wendie

8The Lohan Tapes Continue

I know that you were thinking that Michael Lohan is the biggest piece of shit ever to father an untalented actress/director/fashion designer/singer, but you haven’t been given all the evidence yet.

Last night, Beet told us about the tapes Daddy Lohan released of a crying Lindsay.  It’s just such personal stuff, and you wonder how a parent can expose such material just to prove his “rightness.”  Wonder no more; he isn’t finished.  In today’s installment of “Michael Douchan is Telling the Truth”, he has released tapes — click here to listen — of Dina speaking to Michael in 2008 in which she claimed that when she tried to get Lindsay into rehab, LL punched her in the face.

I don’t know if any of these “revelations” will get Lindsay sober, but they sure as hell ensure that she’s probably never going to speak to her father again.

November 5, 2009 at 3:53 pm by Wendie