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Michael Lohan

8Michael Lohan Suffers Heart Attack

This is clearly his response to Dina’s request for further child support or finding out that trainwreck daughter Lindsay doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of winning her cash cow lawsuit against E-Trade.  Goddamn it how some people just can’t stand to be out of the limelight for thirty-four seconds and kind of funny how certain things come around and go right back around and, well, punch you in the chest.  I’m not even remotely saying that Lohan deserves what happened to him but it’s always refreshing to see how people react after they’ve had a heart attack or a close brush with death — even a minor one. Some people pull a new lease on life and ask others for forgiveness and some remain to be the heartless bastard that they’ve always been.  Which do you guys think it’ll be?

It’s certainly too bad, but hardly surprising, what with all of the poisonous venom running through his veins.

Sorry for the, uh, inconvenience, Papa Lohan, and best wishes for a speedy and thorough recovery.

March 17, 2010 at 6:15 am by Sarah

1Erin Muller, Michael Lohan’s Ex, Has a GPS on Her Undercarriage

Just when you thought the Lohan clan couldn’t get any worse, Michael Lohan goes ahead and outdoes his own previous attempts to solidify the public’s notion that he’s bat-shit crazy.

Erin Muller, the woman who Lohan allegedly kicked in the crotch, claims that Lohan placed a GPS tracking device on the “undercarriage” of her car and used the device to stalk her — everywhere she went.

The estranged couple is not foreign to public drama and sue-crazy tactics; Michael attempted to sue Muller for defamation of character and Muller allegedly retaliated by crying physical abuse. Muller is now speaking with attorneys regarding her rights as a private citizen and exploring her (newest) options for litigation.

This guy (not unlike the rest of his dysfunctional family) is a total douchenozzle. Someone needs to stick something in or around Lohan’s undercarriage, like, yesterday, but I can’t imagine anyone truly wanting to get close enough to do it.

March 11, 2010 at 5:58 am by Sarah

9Is Lindsay Lohan Really the One Behind Her E-Trade Lawsuit?

I ranted yesterday about how Lindsay Lohan filed a frivolous lawsuit against E-Trade claiming that the “milk-a-holic” named Lindsay in their Super Bowl commercial was based on her.

Since news of the lawsuit broke, Lindsay herself has had no comment. (And she also doesn’t have a publicist anymore.) The closest thing Lindsay’s come to making a public statement since yesterday is musing on her Twitter about the symptoms of swine flu. She’s in Paris enjoying Fashion Week, drunk (on milk, ‘natch).

So then who’s filing the lawsuit? Gawker makes the compelling case that her father and possibly mother are the ones filing the suit:

But the strange thing about the suit is that the lead attorney on the case, Stephanie Ovadia, has done legal work for Michael Lohan in the past, and Michael has repeatedly posted fulsome praise of Ovadia’s legal skills to his Twitter feed as recently as January. Last we checked, Michael was still in the midst of his famous feud with Lindsay—just last week, father and daughter were lobbing tabloid insults at one another, with Lindsay saying she didn’t speak to Michael and calling him “nuts.” So why would she seek out her dad’s lawyer just a few days later to file a $100 million lawsuit?

And her mother, Dina Lohan, gave this interview to the NY Post today:

The “Mean Girls” star was left sobbing uncontrollably when she saw an E-Trade ad on Super Bowl Sunday about a ditsy, boyfriend-stealing infant named Lindsay she believed was created in her likeness, her irate mom told The Post yesterday.

“She said, ‘Mommy, help me. This is wrong. How can they do this?’ ” Dina Lohan said of a tearful phone call with her 23-year-old daughter after the big game. …

“I’m just basically glad I took a stand. I’m not going to let them do this to us anymore,” Dina Lohan said of the “horrible” and “mean” ad.

MEANWHILE, Esquire has the original script of the ad, where the “milk-a-holic,” originally referred to as a “skank,” was named Deborah.

In September, her name was changed to Lindsay, and she was a “bimbus.”

Apparently it was a last-minute decision by E-Trade to go with the less-aggressive “milk-a-holic.”

E-Trade rejected Grey’s preferred nickname — “flank-steak woman” — just three days after the name Lindsay appeared, opting instead for the tamer “milk-a-holic.” Three months later, in the lead-up to the Super Bowl, [Grey's chief creative officer, Tor] Myhren actually still had concerns that E-Trade was being too tame in limiting his punch line. “We’re locked in,” he told me on January 8, “on everything except the very, very last word. It was something really aggressive but I thought hilarious. The girlfriend pops her head in and says, ‘Say it to my milk-a-holic face!’ I think it would have become a catchphrase, but E-Trade felt it was too aggressive. Provisionally, we have her saying ‘Milk-a-what?’ which doesn’t quite have the edge. I think it falls flat, but I hope I’m wrong.”

FASCINATING STUFF, but it all points to the frivolity of this lawsuit and the very real likelihood that Lindsay’s crazy-ass, money-grubbing parents are behind this, because their own paychecks have dried up now that their cash cow daughter can’t stay sober long enough to make any real money.

Oh, and a behind-the-scenes look at the E-Trade campaign is above. SO CUTE. Also: How much is all this publicity worth to E-Trade? Probably not $100M, but my guess is they’re enjoying this quite a bit.

March 10, 2010 at 3:41 pm by Evil Beet

4Michael Lohan Throws His Daughter Under The Bus Just To See If She Still Bleeds

That Michael Lohan! What the hell would we do with out that guy? Here I was thinking this was going to be a crap news day with nothing fun to talk about and then BAM! Radar got Michael Lohan to say TERRIBLE things about his daughter in a public forum yet again.

This time around Michael’s talking about how badly Lindsay needs to go to rehab. Here are some quotes he gave the gossip site in a video interview:

“My daughter needs rehab for at least 3 months. Come on… let’s face it, there are pictures of her out there—you reported it, others have reported it…of her drinking and taking pills in public. If you’re on probation, is that what the system approves of?”

“I’ve been trying to get into court with the judge for a long time,” Lohan told “The last time she was in court the judge should have drug tested her. If she had, I know Lindsay would have come up dirty and she would have been thrown into rehab.”

Michael also says that he’s been fighting Lindsay privately over her pill addiction. As recently as last Thursday, the two got in a spat when Michael informed Lindsay over text message that she needs to get help. Apparently, this was news was not well-received by Lindz.

At the end of the interview, Michael addresses his daughter directly and says, “It really p****s me off that when you have trouble or when you’re in St. Barth’s and you have nowhere to turn to and you tell me everything is going awry and your sister Ali is missing…I’m up 6 hours in the night trying to hire a jet to pick you up and take you home…and then you flip the script on me. Whenever you need me, you call me. Whenever you have a problem, I’m there for you. You can’t backstab people. You can’t turn your back on the people that love you and want to help you.”

See? That is such a meaningful quote. Ali Lohan was missing for six hours in St. Barth’s? An emergency jet was almost hired to pick them up? Michael Lohan lets all the skeletons out. What a crappy dad.

Although he probably is on to something with the rehab thing…

February 18, 2010 at 10:37 am by Molls

5Michael Lohan is a Damn Fool

Michael Lohan, you never fail us. You are consistently the saddest excuse for a man on the planet, and as someone who makes a living off of writing stories about what a jackass you are, I would like to thank you for that. You are a gift.

Michael got arrested again today, you guys! For calling his former lover (ew) at work last week.  This is the second time Michael’s been arrested recently for breaking the restraining order his ex-girlfriend Erin Mueller has against him. The last time Michael went to the slammer for this broad was back in December, so clearly it doesn’t take very long for him to unlearn his lessons.

Sadly, I’m pretty sure that he’s never going to change. Ever. He’s too old, he’s lost too much, he’s gone back to the Dark Side so many times after seeming to recover just slightly. This is a cycle we will be seeing play out over and over and over again until he dies or winds up in jail for good. We have so much to look forward to.

January 29, 2010 at 11:58 am by Molls
Filed Under: Michael Lohan

13Like Father, Like Daughter: Papa Lohan Likes Crotch Shots, Too

[Ed. Note:
So, I'm Sarah and I'm filling in for Molls for the remainder of the day.  I'm not as cute and don't smell as good -- kidding -- but I think I can clumsily take the reins well enough to satisfy your gossip-ogling pleasures.  She'll return bright and early in the morning, but until then, you're just going to have to tolerate me hogging the blogosphere of EB Media.  Enjoy!]

Michael Lohan has come forward with some serious allegations against his ex, Erin Muller.  You know the one;  she’s the lady that plugged him with a shoe last month.  Yeah, that Mike Lohan ex.

Muller has come forward to refute his claims of abuse and to add her own special sauce to the mix. Muller claims that on several occasions, Lohan punched her in the face, slapped her, threw blunt objects at her and … aimed a swift kick to her crotch.

God.  Doesn’t this douchebag know that a kick to the cooter just doesn’t hurt?  What’s this guy trying to prove, anyway?  What, did he think she had balls or something?

This guy’s such a twat.  Really.  He’s the guy that doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground.  Yep, he’s That Guy.  Even better, he’s the guy who doesn’t know the difference between himself and a twat.  I always said this guy’d be kicking himself down the road — I just didn’t expect it to be so damned literal.

December 29, 2009 at 2:00 pm by Sarah