Melissa Joan Hart, our beloved Sabrina the teenaged witch and Clarissa, of explaining it all, shut down her kickstarter campaign due to disappointing funds. Very. Sadly she couldn’t raise enough money to back her own film, unlike that dickbag Zach Braff or the awesome cast of Veronica Mars. Even more awkwardly, the title of her hopeful film was called Darci’s Walk of Shame. More from The Huffington Post:

Hart’s crowdfunding effort hoped to raise $2 million for the project, but after about a month it had collected only $51,605 from a measly 315 supporters. The synopsis for “Darci” describes it as the story of what happens after “an impulsive act has Darci face enormous hurdles to get back to her sister’s wedding and avoid her family witness her first walk of shame.”

Hart must have known the project was a bit of a gamble, as her personal message to donors asked them “to do what Hollywood won’t, and that is to take a chance on me as the lead of a romantic comedy film.” The actress called the movie a “leap of faith” and promised it would remain similar to the same comedy she’s served up in “Sabrina, the Teenage Witch,” “Clarissa Explains It All,” the 1999 rom-com “Drive Me Crazy” and her current ABC Family series “Melissa & Joey,” which will return for a third season May 29.

The goal of the campaign, Hart said, was to help her land her first leading role since “Drive Me Crazy.”

This is my biggest fear if I ever did crowdfunding. This and inviting people to my wedding and seeing no one show up.

I guess people aren’t super into MJH anymore, even though she has a currently has a show on TV (Melissa & Joey) that seems to be doing well for being on ABC Family. Perhaps it has to do with some remarks she said a few years ago.

The Atlantic has some info on what she was offering and what she was looking for:

all she’s asking for is $2,000,000 in the next 43 days. Yes. $2,000,000. Seems… modest. And what are some of the prizes that you’ll receive should you donate? Oh, y’know, for $300 or more MJH will follow you on Twitter for an entire year! (This was offered by Kristen Bell and crew too.) For $5,000 or more? You get a costume worn by MJH in the movie. Meaning for $5,000 you get a low-budget movie starring Melissa Joan Hart and some old clothes. Terrific.

Oh man it’s just so awkward.

Would YOU be interested in seeing a feature film starring Melissa Joan Hart?

You guys! I’d totally forgotten about this, but I had a subscription to Teen People when I was in high school. I only kept one issue. Just one. But! It’s the 1st Annual Celebrity Style Awards issue! That means we can point and gawk at some of the dumb crap our favorite stars were wearing in the late 90s.

Here’s a look at the November 1998 issue:

I included a profile of “new talent” Paul Walker (check the gallery!), who will be appearing in upcoming movies like Pleasantville, Varsity Blues, and Brokedown Palace.

I especially recommend the photo spread titled “Hair Watch,” which focuses on bleached spiky 90s hair, as sported by the likes of Mark McGrath, David Boreanaz, and Seth Green. However, it’s the ladies—Sarah Jessica Parker and Jamie Pressly among them—who take the cake for dumbest 90s ‘dos.

I also included a scan of “Star Tracks” because A) I had completely forgotten about Jonny Lang, and B) how the hell does Lukas Haas know Vincent Gallo? I am not too sure Vincent Gallo belongs in a teen magazine.

Under “Star Woes: Their Most Embarrassing Moments,” Kirsten Dunst says:

I’m really proud of going on Jeopardy! and winning $10,000 for charity. But I was so embarrassed because I couldn’t get my buzzer to work right. Now people [who were watching the broadcast must] think that I’m the biggest ditz. I only answered like five questions.

I finally watched Kirsten’s heinous Jeopardy performance on YouTube sometime last year, and she’s right: I thought she was the biggest ditz.

From the article “Getting ‘N Sync”:

Five good-looking guys from Florida form a singing group, make it big overseas and then bring their catchy pop songs back home, where they instantly captivate the American teen market.

Hmmmm. Does this tune sound a little familiar? Yes and no. It’s true that, on the surface, ‘N Sync’s story certainly reads like Backstreet Boys: The Sequel. They have the same manager (Johnny Wright, also of New Kids on the Block fame), the same home base (Orlando) and the same secret weapon (a sexy blond—the baby of the band—guaranteed to melt the female masses). But spend a little time with the tight-knit quintet—James Lance Bass, 19; Joey Fatone Jr., 21; Chris Kirkpatrick, 26; Joshua “JC” Chasez, 22; and Justin Timberlake (the noted blond), 17—and you’ll find that they’re as different from Backstreet as Third Eye Blind is from Matchbox20.

Elsewhere, 98 Degrees is noted, but no mention of Nick Lachey anywhere. Another article, “Felicity Fever,” promises a too-in-depth look at “the set of the most talked-about new TV series.”

There is a centerfold of a movie poster for Meet Joe Black. I didn’t scan it, but I did scan the “Got Milk” ad starring Joshua Jackson.

Of course there are the 1st Annual Celebrity Style Awards: Jennifer Love Hewitt, Claire Danes, Drew Barrymore, Mariah Carey, Cameron Diaz, and Jennifer Aniston all get props, along with Jakob Dylan (remember him?!) and Aaliyah (sigh). I didn’t scan in the other two dudes because they are boring, but both Leonardo DiCaprio and Will Smith received accolades.

Also: holy God, Melissa Joan Hart can barely dress herself. Reese Witherspoon, however, always dressed with the trends and still managed to look cute.

Also: UGH. I really thought this was a fun idea—until I was actually scanning everything in, that is. I encountered some truly gnarly technical difficulties with the Kodak ESP 9250, so I hope you appreciate what I do for you.

Melissa Joan Hart, why are you giving me such an awful case of the sads?

The former Clarissa Explains It All and Sabrina The Teenage Witch actress had a gig in New York the other day promoting National Breakfast Day. As you flip through the gallery below and see photo after photo of Melissa posing with Snap, Crackle and Pop and high-fiving kids as they chow down on various Kellogg’s cereals, try and think about what must have gone wrong in this woman’s career for her to be reduced to this kind of embarrassing promotional appearance. Do any of these kids even know who she is? Do they even rerun Sabrina anymore? These munchkins are probably looking at her like, “Yeah, this cereal is great, but who the fuck are you?”

It seems like being a former child star can only result in two things: Being a total wreck or a complete nobody.

Absolute cuteness was the name of the game as Melissa Joan Hart sat courtside at the Knicks vs. Hawks game with her hubby, Mark Wilkerson. They actually look like they’re in love and not just putting on a show for the cameras. I love it. I’m glad things turned out so well for Melissa. Remember when she was all BFF with Britney Spears like a million years ago? And she was in the “Crazy” video? That was just weird.

Melissa Joan Hart, thrilled to just be in the headlines for any reason, has written a MySpace apology to Farrah Fawcett, expressing regret for saying she hoped the Charlie’s Angels star didn’t die the week prior to Hart’s bikini People cover:

It has come to my attention that something I said has been completely misconstrued in the press. I was merely explaining what I had read about how the cover of People magazine was chosen from an article last week I read in the Times. I truly hope that Farrah and her family know I wish them the best at this time in her life. And that I would never be so selfish to disrespect anyone, let alone someone I admire greatly.

Then, to further explain her bad behavior, she wrote another blog about — what else?  her own problems:

Last week was an intense one for me in many regards. Not only for all the reasons that have been publicized for you like the magazine cover and the opening of our new shop. But mainly because my mother was admitted into the hospital and underwent an intense 8 hour surgery on a brain tumor. All of my 6 siblings and I gathered at my house and the hospital for the entire week to be strong for each other. She is out of the woods and on her way to recovery, luckily she is a good healer and has 7 children to lend a hand in times like these. Prayer is a big part of my life and it was very crucial last week for my mommy. I ask that you keep her in your thoughts and prayers as she fights her way to a full and wonderful recovery. I love you Mommy!!!

Mrs. Hart, I certainly hope you are feeling better.  No matter what you do, please don’t die this week because your daughter is doing press for her new candy store and your funeral would cause a real scheduling nightmare.

You know what?  I tried being nice to Melissa Joan Hart, but it’s just not working for me.  Yeah, she lost a bunch of weight and yeah, she opened up a candy store but she’s not a nice person.  I think, on some level, I knew that.  Therefore, I’m back to using the most unflattering pictures of her that I can find.

New York Post is reporting that Hart was telling people at KTLA in Los Angeles that she’d been hoping Farrah Fawcett wouldn’t die last week because then she’d be bumped off the cover of People. 

A couple of things here:  Melissa Joan Hart should be grateful that People even wrote an article about her.  As a matter of fact, MJH should be grateful that she’s even permitted to live in the Hollywood area.  Secondly, Melissa had nothing to worry about it.  People makes it a practice to leave irrelevant bottle-blonds on the cover, even when television legends die.

One week after Melissa Joan Hart appeared on the cover of People magazine to show off her new slimmer body, she slaps every other dieting mother in America right in the face by opening a new candy store, named SweetHarts, in Sherman Oaks, California.

The store’s website reveals that the menu will include frozen yogurt, gelato, baked goods, candy, and a whole host of other items guaranteed to derail a diet. It also reveals that Melissa’s mother originally considered naming her “Sweet.” That’s right. Her name was almost Sweet Hart.

If that right there doesn’t make you want to smack the annoying right out of the little witch, the Sabrina star claims to “love all the different [kinds of] candy” because they remind her of her childhood, but then goes on to say that she isn’t worried about regaining any of her recently lost weight by consuming any of the products from her own shop because she doesn’t really like sweets.

Do they offer something called a candy coated bitch slap? Cuz I’d buy one of those.

I haven’t read the People magazine article about her weightloss because there are only so many worthless, time wasting activities I can do in a week without starting to feel really bad about my life. But the cover quotes her as saying “I realized I don’t have to be heavy just because I have kids.”

Bitch please. You “don’t have to be heavy” because you’re rich and can hire a personal trainer, someone to cook meals for you, and someone to watch those kids for you while you work out or open your new candy store.

Next week, Paris Hilton will announce the grand opening of her financial planning service, the appropriately named “I Don’t Have Any Debt Because I’m Fucking Rich.” The service’s financial advisors will offer you high interest rate mortgages and credit cards, encourage you to spend well beyond your budget, then act superior and self-righteous when you can’t make your monthly payments.

Wow.  I wasn’t very nice to Melissa Joan Hart, better known as everyone’s favorite teenage witch, but boy did she show me.  Sorry, Melissa.

Hart is on this week’s cover of People showing off her 42 pound weight loss .  And the best part?  She doesn’t look like she did heroin to get thin.  She looks healthy and, dare I say, not Photoshopped? 

Tori Spelling, are you paying attention?

Melissa Joan Hart volunteers at the Los Angeles Mission on Christmas Eve.

Other celebs who helped out at the mission include Alyssa Milano, Corbin Bleu and Melissa Gilbert.

God is so good to me.  Yesterday I was flipping through the pap sites and came across this picture of Melissa Joan Hart.  I wanted to share the pic but she’s not too relevant right now.  Has she appeared in anything recently?  At this point, the only time she hears ”cut” is during her latest episiotomy.  I’m not sure people even remember who she is.  Soooo imagine my pure joy when I saw a People article this morning about the wayward witch.  The good news is MJH was more than happy to share the secrets of her super hawt post-pregnancy bod. 

It’s a constant workout,” the ex-Sabrina, the Teenage Witchstar tells PEOPLE of taking care of her sons Mason, 3, and Braydon, 8 months.

That’s why she’s been able to stay post-pregnancy fit, she says.

You don’t have time to eat because you’re chasing them all the time!” she said Friday at the Jonas Brothers launch of 77 Kids by American Eagle in Los Angeles. “You kind of lift them in the car seat, out of the car seat, in the highchair, out of the highchair.

I cannot believe how blind I’ve been.  I’ve got three kids and it never struck me to lift them.  I’m pumping toddlers immediately so I can look as good as M.  Ugh…that sounded so wrong.

Picture above is MJH Friday night at The Roxy in West Hollywood and gallery pic is from yesterday at Kitson’s Petit Bijou Launch in LA.

Here’s Melissa Joan Hart showing off her son — Braydon Hart Wilkerson — at the book party for The Hot Mom To Be Handbook.

Mark was born on March 12.

What a cutie!!!

He’ll probably be doing lines with Jodie Sweetin’s baby in no time!

I mean, not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Either Melissa chose motherhood over career because she wanted to, or she chose motherhood over career because career didn’t give her much of a choice. Since Sabrina wrapped, she’s done a few guest spots and ill-fated films, but these days we pretty much only talk about her when she’s having a kid.

So, ya know, she did that.

Melissa and her hubby Mark Wilkerson welcomed their second child on Wednesday. Son Braydon Hart Wilkerson is happy and healthy.

Congrats, you two!