In the newly released article that I did for Esquire, there is a reference that is made to Lindsay Lohan that I would like to clarify before it snowballs into something silly. The journalist and I were discussing why I was removing my Marilyn Monroe tattoo, especially since in his opinion, Marilyn was such a powerful and iconic figure for women. I attempted to draw parallels between Lindsay and Marilyn in order to illustrate my point that while Marilyn may be an icon now, sadly she was not respected and taken seriously while she was still living.
Both women were gifted actresses, whose natural talent was lost amongst the chaos and incessant media scrutiny surrounding their lifestyles and their difficulties adhering to studio schedules etc. I intended for this to be a factual comparison of two women with similar experiences in Hollywood. Unfortunately it turned into me offering up what is really much more of an uneducated opinion. It was most definitely not my intention to criticize or degrade Lindsay. I would never want her to feel bullied, as she does not deserve that.
I was not always speaking eloquently during this interview and this miscommunication is my fault.
—Megan Fox, backtracking on the Lindsay Lohan comments that no one even cared about. Except for, you know, the part where she alluded to the idea that Lindsay Lohan might actually be talented after all these years and cocaine.
I know we’re trying for a whole new reputation and what not, Megan, but let’s just do everyone a favor here, OK? Let’s stick to the facts. I’m more apt to believe in leprechauns and aliens and speaking in tongues than I am to believe that Lindsay Lohan is even remotely on par with Marilyn Monroe, or worse, Liz Taylor. Keep it real, girl, and we’ll see what we can do for you down the road.
January 16, 2013 at 2:30 pm by Sarah
Oh my goodness, Megan Fox, what have you done? I can tell you part of what you’ve done … and you’re going to have to just go ahead and surmise the rest for yourself, because wow. Girl.
No, what you did was unexpectedly get pregnant, drop off the radar and didn’t exploit your pregnancy for all it was worth (like you just know some people have done and—ahem—are going to do), disappeared after your little son was born and then, when you finally did emerge, it was like this new person took your place. It was like everything formerly Megan Fox had dropped away, and there was this demure, intelligent, in touch person in Megan Fox’s place, who luckily looked the same as Megan Fox. I almost had a brain crush on Megan Fox for a minute, especially when she said that she wasn’t going to be posing in bikinis anymore—for the sake of her son, of course.
This new spread and interview with Esquire, though? Holy hell. It’s … well, here. This is what it is. Here’s Megan talking about Lindsay Lohan:
“She [Marilyn] was sort of like Lindsay [Lohan]. She was an actress who wasn’t reliable, who almost wasn’t insurable … She had all the potential in the world, and it was squandered. I’m not interested in following in those footsteps.”
On what it’s like to be famous:
“I don’t think people understand. They all think we should shut the f**kk up and stop complaining because you live in a big house or you drive a Bentley. What people don’t realize is that fame, whatever your worst experience in high school, when you were being bullied by those ten kids in high school, fame is that, but on a global scale, where you’re being bullied by millions of people constantly.”
On posing half-naked all the time, and then making the decision to not (after this shoot, of course):
“I felt powerless in that image. I didn’t feel powerful. It ate every other part of my personality, not for me but for how people saw me, because there was nothing else to see or know. That devalued me. Because I wasn’t anything. I was an image. I was a picture. I was a pose.”
On her belief the prior-mentioned leprechauns and other things:
“I like believing. I believe in all of these Irish myths, like leprechauns. Not the pot of gold, not the Lucky Charms leprechauns. But maybe was there something in the traditional sense? I believe that this stuff came from somewhere other than people’s imaginations … Loch Ness monster? There’s something to it. … I [also] believe in aliens.”
On the bible:
“I’ve read the Book of Revelation a million times,” Megan Fox says. “It does not make sense, obviously. It needs to be decoded. What is the dragon? What is the prostitute? What are these things? What is this imagery? What was John seeing? And I was just thinking, What is the Antichrist?”
And, ahem, on speaking tongues in church:
“I have seen magical, crazy things happen. I’ve seen people be healed. Even now, in the church I go to, during Praise and Worship I could feel that I was maybe getting ready to speak in tongues, and I’d have to shut it off because I don’t know what that church would do if I started screaming out in tongues in the back.”
… More on that tongue-speaking:
“It feels like a lot of energy coming through the top of your head — I’m going to sound like such a lunatic — and then your whole body is filled with this electric current. And you just start speaking, but you’re not thinking because you have no idea what you’re saying. Words are coming out of your mouth, and you can’t control it. The idea is that it’s a language that only God understands. It’s the language that’s spoken in heaven. It’s called ‘getting the Holy Ghost.’ “
I … I just can’t even. I’m going to turn this one over to you, guys, because there’s just too much here for me to pick apart. We’d be here all damn night.
January 15, 2013 at 3:30 pm by Sarah
In the past, my opinion of Megan Fox has been mostly “eh.” There have been a few times that she’s said some things that were stupid, but even then I was like “ha ha, whatever” as opposed to some kind of active dislike. Basically, I just don’t really care about Megan Fox.
But a couple days ago, she got a Twitter account. And my feelings are changing fast.
Here’s her very first tweet:
I’m incredibly late to the party but I’m here nonetheless, so what now?
And her second:
Hello twitter. How is everyones day going? 7:30am and we’ve watched ‘A Bugs Life’ twice…so mine has been action packed as per usual.
But then she posted this:
Is it cool or embarrassing to own a life size R2D2? It’s cool right?…Right?!
With this photo:
And I don’t care about Star Wars either, but I can still appreciate that.
So at that point in Megan’s Twittering, I was starting to warm up a little towards her. I like A Bug’s Life, you know? I’m not a monster. But it wasn’t until she posted this next tweet that I really started falling hard:
So while everyone else lived in the 80s my family was living in the Wild West??Do you have embarrassing family photos?
And, of course, she included a photo:
I LOVE this. I don’t know why, but I love it, and it makes me want to be friends with Megan Fox. In a show of friendship, I would like to share my own awkward childhood photo:
Oh, sorry, that’s not really awkward, that’s just me being precious in baby form. But you can see my lazy eye before I had two gross surgeries to fix it. SO ARE WE BESTIES YET?
January 5, 2013 at 10:00 am by Emily
Megan just has great boobs. Better boobs than I’ve ever seen in my life.
And you know what? I’m sorry this had to come so closely after your Christmas high, but see? This is just further confirmation that your life will never be as good as Megan Fox’s, or her baby’s, or Leslie Mann’s, or, most regrettably,
David Silver’s Brian Austin Green‘s. Some things really are the fabled Atlantis, guys, and that’s just how it goes.
Also, don’t forget—we’re hosting a giveaway for ‘This is 40!’ and you should probably enter it if you like funny people, Megan Fox’s boobs, humanity in general, and boobs at large. It’s for the good of all, no doubt. Click here to find out how to get your very own ‘This is 40′ prize package and YAY BOOBIES!
December 26, 2012 at 5:30 pm by Sarah
I was about two months pregnant. I was really sick. I was very nauseous. I had really bad morning sickness. It was so bad for me. I was convinced that I was, like, maybe birthing a vampire baby like the one in Twilight… you know what happens to Bella, where she’s in cold sweats all the time… and I felt like that was happening because I had no vitamins and nutrients and I was just nauseous. Something not human was happening. The first trimester was really rough and then I got to about 12 weeks and then it was fine. It was really a perfect pregnancy after that. I thought I was going to be tough and the nurses would be like, ‘She’s a warrior princess! She doesn’t need an epidural! She’s amazing! We’re such big fans! As soon as I got out of the car I was already crying for an epidural. I was asking the security guard for an epidural!’
—Megan Fox on what it was like to birth a vampire baby by the name of Renesmee, and if all of that comparison is not silly enough for you, the comment about “something not human was happening” just might be. Because I mean, really, what? Getting pregnant is not human? OK, well yeah, maybe if you’re one of those aliens like in ‘The Faculty’ who are really just big, lumping bowls of gelatinous reptile ooze, but didn’t she realize that when a human penis spits at a human vagina, sometimes something biochemical happens and the result nests itself in the lady’s midsection? Or was she too busy putting her lip gloss on in health class that day?
Man. Just when I was starting to think she wasn’t a total twit, she had to go ahead and remind us about all of the dumb-ass things she used to say all the time before she got pregnant and dropped off the radar. Way to go, girl. Way to be.
December 18, 2012 at 9:30 am by Sarah
So after all of the previous discussion about seeing Megan Fox everywhere (because every chick in Hollywood thinks it’s prudent for their career to look like her, not because I’m actually seeing Megan Fox everywhere, unfortunately), I just had to go and stir up the pot, thus bringing Megan Fox to the surface to see just what she’s been up to lately.
And guys? I’m afraid I’ve got some pretty bad news for you: Megan Fox … she, well … she’s not going to be doing any sexy pictorials anymore, and that stockpile of awesome bikinis she had? They’re totally history, and it’s because she doesn’t want her son, Noah, to have to endure too many MILF jokes as he grows up. OK? Can it all be over now?
To the UK’s Mirror, Megan talks about how she’s going to quash her sensuality:
“It changes your perspective about being overly sexual in a film when you have a baby. I’m going to be more cautious about choosing films because I’m already thinking about when he’s in school and his friends are going to be showing him my photo shoots with me in a bikini and he’s going to be horrified. So that will deter me from making some of the choices I made before.”
Megan also discussed why she chose to name her son the biblically-based name of Noah, and the role that religion plays in her life these days:
“I went through a stage in my early 20s when I was very rebellious against how I was raised and I wasn’t worried about faith or religion but now, maybe because of getting married and wanting to have a family, I’ve come back full circle.”
Here’s Megan on post-baby weight loss, because apparently it’s still a thing that people have to defend themselves over:
“I only gained 23 pounds when I was pregnant and I’m still 10 pounds heavier than I was but I don’t want to kill myself trying to get back into shape because it’s not a priority right now. I’m too in love with Noah and I don’t want to be away from him. I don’t want to be at the gym, I just want to be home.”
You know what, though? This is actually really great and really sweet, and after hearing about all of the changes in Megan’s life, I really kind of expect her to completely drop off the face of the earth and forget about the fact that she was once a celebrity altogether—that is, if Brian Austin Green lets her. Word on the street has it that he’d do pretty much anything to stay relevant these days, and how can you remain in the spotlight if your wife’s going to go all Mennonite on your ass?
As if to prelude her next move, Megan had this to say about her career and where it’s headed:
“It’s scary because unfortunately women in the film industry don’t seem to hold their value as they get older so it’s scary for all of us. I relate it to being like a basketball player who is only 33 or 34 but people say he is geriatric because you top-out young. It’s the same thing for actresses. I’m 26 but already time is a tickin’ I’ve only got a few years left being so good but I’m thankful for having the marriage that I have and having a best friend and partner because that makes me feel safe and comforted in knowing that he’s going to grow old with me and love me no matter what and value me no matter how old I get.”
Guess that about sums it up, huh? Pack your bags, Brian … you’re moving to North Dakota or somewhere.