We all know this tragic tale: some young girl starts out with a truly lovely face, she goes to Hollywood, gets praise for her face, a few years go by, and she ends up absolutely destroying her good looks in an effort to preserve them. It’s sad, it is, but it happens everyday. And that little story is the basis for today’s blind item:

Which perky All-American actress has had so much cosmetic surgery that producers on her comeback film added a clause in her contract that she can’t get nipped or tucked until after the movie’s release? She’s desperate to make her way back to the A-list, but movie execs fear when the film comes out no one will recognize her on the big screen.

Meg Ryan. A thousand times Meg Ryan. We all know what she’s done to her face, but just in case you need a quick reference:

Oh, Meg. Lay off the Botox and the Mellencock, and then maybe the world will be ready for another magical romcom. Do it for the fans!

Any other guesses?

Former America’s Sweetheart and current Frankenface Meg Ryan was photographed leaving her beau John Cougar Mellencamp’s recent show in Toronto with a thick gold band on a certain special finger. The actress and the musician have been quietly dating for a couple of months now.

What do I think of these two together? I think they’re perfect for each other. Neither one of them is the huge star that they used to be, but they were both at one time considered to be one of the best in their respective fields. It seems like they’re in really similar places in their lives and like they’d get along just great.

But just one thing: Doesn’t that ring on Meg’s finger look a lot more like a wedding band then an engagement ring? Is it remotely possible that these two are already hitched? Both of their reps are refusing to comment on this story and maybe that’s because they have something way bigger to hide than a measly engagement.

Awww, Meg Ryan, what did you do to that beautiful mug of yours? It’s hard to believe that the lady on the right side of the above photo used the be the lady on the left side of the above photo, huh? But I guess that’s what endless amounts of botox and other facial fillers will do to a gal. And look, she’s got the same droopy lip as Nicole Kidman, another actress known for loving her non-surgical beauty enhancement procedures.

Click through to see how America’s Sweetheart transformed into America’s Swamp Thing over the three decades we’ve known her and please, feel free to discuss what a tragedy all of this is in the comments…

Just days after John Mellencamp announced his divorce with his partner of twenty or so years, confirmations from mutual friends claim that Mellencamp and Meg Ryan are massively in love – so much in love that they’re already like the old married couple that Ryan may or may not have had a hand in breaking up.

I don’t know, really, if anyone under the age of 60 is really going to care about this union (no disrespect to our old heads), but I will say about this – Meg Ryan, John Mellencamp? Really? Meg Ryan? Good old sweetheart fucking-wrecked-her-face of the eighties? Ryan stopped being cool and cute when her head started resembling Melanie Griffiths’ greasy, massive, and pulsating lips. And that was even before she tried – however unsuccessfully – to be an A-lister-by-association again with her random banging of Russell Crowe.

If it’s love, it’s love, John. They say love is blind, and I’ve known it to be true in the past, but I didn’t know it was deaf and dumb to famesuckers, too.

I’ve always been a fan of Meg Ryan and all of her cheesy, rom-com movies, so I’m most displeased to say that the purpose of this entire post is to make fun of her lazy nipples.

Girlfriend was photographed out and about in NYC this past weekend looking a little worse for the wear. Even though she was said to have undergone some really bad plastic surgery, she’s not looking, say, as bad as Jocelyn Wildenstein or worse, Heidi Montag. She’s an aging Hollywood actress that probably feels past her prime but is handling it in the best way she can — using her wandering nipples to detract from her face.

So, in short, Meg, all of that money that you dumped into your face would have been better directed a little bit lower … they do have these things called “breast lifts,” you know. Or even better yet, “bras.”

Are these bangs going to be some new trend?  Because I hate them.  Like, I didn’t care when Jessica Alba got them because she’s mean and deserves ugly hair.  But Selena Gomez is just a cute and innocent kid despite that thing on her head.  Where were her parents when this haircut was happening?  Aren’t there laws to protect minors from this kind of thing? 

Speaking of devastating, I also came across some pictures of Rachel Zoe who was at the 2008 CNN Heroes with Selena event last night.  And I wikied her.  She’s 37 years old?  I will give a free Dr. Pepper to the first person who can prove that she is actually at least eight years older.  Because if I have to live with the fact that she’s only 11 months older than I am, I’m not sure I can go on.  For real.

Also there:  Lucy Liu looking pregnant, Cameron Diaz looking orange, and Ricki Lake looking like she could have made so much more effort.  Dude, you lost like, a hundred pounds.  Wear something flattering.

When I page through all the pictures that were taken at an event, there are lots of snapshots of each celebrity in different poses or scenarios.  Drinking wine, posing on the red carpet, accepting an award.  Meg Ryan’s face, in every single picture, was exactly the same.  No other facial nuance was recorded at any time.  

In LA on Sunday.

Seriously, my tits hurt just looking at her. Chafing much? I feel like now I have to massage my breasts and rub lotion all over them. I’d tell you more, but we’re not that kind of site.

Those things are falling off your body, sweetheart. Since when were you so skinny?

I knew this was coming!

After Meg Ryan started talking shit about old-school drama, claiming Dennis Quaid cheated on her regularly during their marriage, Dennis is speaking up to defend himself.

“It was eight years ago, and I find it unbelievable that Meg continues publicly to rehash and rewrite the story of our relationship,” he says. “Also, I find it regrettable that our son, Jack, has to be reminded in a public way of the turmoil and pain that every child feels in a divorce … I, myself, moved on years ago and am fortunate to have a happy, beautiful family.”

Dennis, as you’ll recall, remarried Kimberly Buffington, who later gave birth to twins.

DRAMA!!!

Eight years after their split, Meg Ryan is FINALLY willing to talk about her split from Dennis Quaid.

“Dennis was not faithful to me for a very long time, and that was very painful,” she says in the new issue of InStyle. “I found out more about that after I was divorced.”

And as for her scandalous relationship with Russell Crowe? “I think he took a big hit. But Russell didn’t break up the marriage. He was definitely there at the end, but it wasn’t his fault. I was a mess. I hurt him too at the end. I couldn’t be in another long relationship, it wasn’t the time for that. So I got out … My time as a scarlet woman was really interesting. As painful as it was, it was also incredible liberating. Now I was utterly free. I didn’t have to care about what people thought.”

Meg also talks about being dubbed America’s Sweetheart: “It’s an old-fashioned idea, so anachronistic. I understood it was a compliment about being lovable, and it felt nice … but it also felt, after a time, like ideas were being projected onto me that had nothing to do with me,” she says. “The girl next door to what? I never felt like a very conventional person.”

It’s always fascinating to me when celebrities talk about their pasts many years later. This puts a whole new spin on Meg for me. I wonder what Paris Hilton will have to say about these past few years in another decade or so.

And I wonder if Dennis Quaid will be telling HIS side of the story now.

Meg Ryan takes her adopted daughter, Daisy, to the farmers market in Brentwood to pick up some fresh flowers on a rainy Sunday.

I think she just looks fabulous lately.

It has been POURING in LA lately. I have never seen it rain like this before in this city, and I’ve lived here for five years. Craziness.

We do not see enough of Meg Ryan.

How adorable is she?

I love love LOVE the long hair. She looks GREAT!

I remember in middle school someone told me that if you want to know if you should date a guy, you ask him if he’d rather date Drew Barrymore or Meg Ryan. If he says Meg Ryan, he’s a keeper. If he says Drew Barrymore, ditch him. Shows you how long ago my ass went to middle school. That was when Drew Barrymore was still all strung out and flashing Dave Letterman, and Meg Ryan hadn’t yet ran away from her husband and into Russell Crowe’s arms. But that always stuck with me. Good guys like Meg Ryan.

Anyway. She’s still so cute!

At the International Women’s Media Foundation Courage in Journalism awards.