Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Mariah Yeater

That Justin Bieber Paternity Case Is Still Happening

A photo of Mariah Yeater

Just when we’d almost forgotten about Mariah Yeater and the love child she claims she had with Justin Bieber, this girl manages to step back into the lamelight (I honestly meant to type “limelight,” but some typos happen for a reason). And she’s not going to stop until she gets her child support money. Or until she gets properly medicated, whichever comes first.

But here’s the new news: the DNA test results still aren’t in. Justin took the test last November, but Mariah’s lawyer still hasn’t gotten the results, so like, he doesn’t know if Justin ever even did the test. I guess it’s all coming up now because Justin had a year to submit the results? I don’t even know why this is being brought up now, but here’s a lovely statement from Mariah’s lawyer:

“Bieber is either the father or he isn’t. And if he is then he needs to step up to the plate and pay child custody.”

There you have it, friends. That’s all we know, that Justin either is or isn’t the father. We don’t know if Mariah’s lawyer is talking to Justin’s lawyer, or if there are any plans to take further legal action. We just know that Justin is the father of this baby, or he is not.

A source close to Mariah Yeater called this mess “one of the biggest scandals in pop music.” But I’m sure you already understand how very serious this case is. And if you don’t, then Mariah and I have a message for you:

A photo of Mariah Yeater

Justin Bieber Wrote a Baby-Mama Song and Called It ‘Maria’, Because ‘Mariah’ Would Have Been Way, Way Too Obvious

First of all, can I tell you how I hate when Justin Bieber does something that makes me have to write a post about it? Because it burns me with a radioactive kind of fire inside. I feel it for days, guys. I actually need a recovery period. Justin Bieber is my Kryptonite.

What I can’t wait for, however, is the video for this song—it’s going to be heinous. Oh wait. No. I can wait, because that happening means that I’m probably going to have to write something about it and DIE for three days afterward. Ugh.

Here are the lyrics:

She says she met me on a tour
She keeps knocking on my door, she won’t leave me
Leave me alone
This girl she wouldn’t stop, almost had to call the cops
She was scheming, ooh, she was wrong
Cause she wanted all my attention
And she was dragging my name through the dirt
She was dying for my affection
But she keep making up and give it to ‘em
I’m talking to you, maria
Why you wanna do me like that?
That ain’t my baby, that ain’t my girl
Maria, why you wanna play me like that?
She ain’t my baby, she ain’t my girl
But she talking in, and she need a squeeze
But never this, all I know she got mine
That ain’t my baby, that ain’t my girl
But she falling out, what she talking about
Let me tell you now that girl she’s not mine
She ain’t my baby, she ain’t my girl

Now she’s in the magazines, on tv, making a scene
Oh she’s crazy, crazy in love
And she’s all over the news, saying everything but the true
She’s faking, faking it all
Cause she wanted all my attention
And she was getting my name through the dirt
She was dying for my affection
But she keep making up and give it to ‘em
I’m talking to you, maria
Why you wanna do me like that?
That ain’t my baby, that ain’t my girl
Maria, why you wanna play me like that?
She ain’t my baby, she ain’t my girl
But she talking in, and she need a squeeze
But never this, all I know she got mine
That ain’t my baby, that ain’t my girl
But she falling out, what she talking about
Let me tell you now that girl she’s not mine
She ain’t my baby, she ain’t my girl
Why are you trying, trying to lie girl
When I never met you
Saying goodbye, but how could ya
You throw this, you throw this
Your foolness, seduces
Maria why you wanna do me like that? …

Also, I’m assuming this is the song that Justin Bieber talked about as the next ‘Billie Jean’. And I guess in a sense, yes. He did write the ‘next Billie Jean’. But only because it’s almost completely identical in phrasing, content, and concept as Michael Jackson‘s ‘Billie Jean’. Way to go, Justin. This must have been really, really hard.

Last, you win, Mariah Yeater. You completely f-cking win, and you KNOW IT, girl.

Justin Bieber Wrote a Song About Mariah Yeater

photo of mariah yeater pictures
… Because, you know, there’s no such thing as ‘Billie Jean’ as it is. It’s a new concept that crazed fans claim to have babies by their inspirational idols. Gah.

From Billboard:

[On April 23] in London [Bieber] told journalists that there would be a song about the [Mariah Yeater] situation on his upcoming June 19 album, “Believe.”

“There’s a song about that girl — Mariah Yeater — that said she was gonna have my baby,” said Bieber, as reported by several U.K. publications. “There are songs about things I’m going through. I wrote songs about different situations.”

Two days earlier, during his Saturday “#RandomTwitterHour,” Bieber posted, “Dear mariah yeeter… we have never met…so from the heart i just wanted to say…” with a link to a clip of Sacha Baron Cohen’s Borat character repeating “You will never get this.”

Bieber has previously said that his new album would “address the past and rumors,” and that he would be “clearing it all up in the music.”

The song about Yeater will not necessarily be on Bieber’s new album, the BBC reports. “We’ve recorded like 40 songs,” the teen superstar said Monday. “Every song has a piece of me, it’s hard to pick. I wrote almost all of them or co-wrote them.”

OK, so I guess Mariah Yeater wins, then. I mean, how many disturbed young women can say that they inspired a song to be written by theirs truly, Justin Bieber? How many chicks can say that they’re the modern day Billie Jean? How many young ladies have the weirdest f-cking torso I’ve ever seen? JUST ONE, GUYS. And her name is Mariah Yeater. Congratulations, girl. You’re forever going to be in the books for bat-shittiest Bieber fan of all time.

Justin Bieber is Opening a Whole Can of Worms by Talking to Mariah Yeater Again

photo of justin bieber and mariah yeater pictures photos
Remember the chick that Justin Bieber supposedly sexed up and made a baby with? Mariah Yeater, she of the unstable tendencies and weird torso? Well Justin Bieber apparently can’t forget about girlfriend even if he didn’t knock her up, and he’s sending her messages via Twitter. From Justin Bieber’s own:

Dear mariah yeeter…we have never met…so from the heart i just wanted to say…

And you know what followed? This:

Dear heavens. If that doesn’t stir up an entire nest of crazy for poor old Mariah Yeater, then hell. I don’t know what will.

Image courtesy of Starz Uncut

In Today’s Non-News: Justin Bieber Took That Paternity Test Anyway

Photo: Justin Bieber on November 18

That’s right! On Friday, the Biebz took Mariah Yeater‘s little paternity test just as he promised, and I’m sure he aced it.

But why did Bieber bother? After all, the paternity suit was dropped five days ago. And besides, we all already know who her baby’s father is.

However! Enty at Crazy Days and Nights has gone wild with the news, speculating that Mariah Yeater may actually have credible evidence proving she got jiggy with J-Biebz. Could it be?

Eh, probably not. According to TMZ’s earliest reports, that paternity test is just the first step in the huge freaking lawsuit Justin Bieber is about to file against Yeater. TMZ reported again today that Bieber’s lawyers are following through with the original plan.

As I see it, Mariah Yeater is just some dumb single mom who had hoped to reach a settlement with Justin Bieber’s team. I realize Bieber wants to make a legal precedent out of her—frivolous lawsuits and, uh, extortion are generally not OK, as a rule—but suing some dumb, 20-year-old single mom doesn’t sit very well with me. It’s like, ugh, just toss her in jail or something.

Mariah Yeater is Unfortunately a Liar

photo of mariah yeater paternity text pictures fraud pics
Ooh, the “where he at” and the “he been busy” are just killing me. Where the hell did this girl learn how to speak, her infant? Anyway, from TMZ:

Justin Bieber’s alleged baby mama sent a text Wednesday to a friend, begging him to erase an incriminating text in which her mom says someone OTHER than Justin Bieber is the baby daddy, and then promising to give him a cut of the action when she scores a payday.

So, I suppose that settles that. Mariah is a crazy, trashy ho that’s looking to cash in like any other crazy, trashy hos that have tried this trick in the past. Bieber‘s (unfortunately) in the clear, and this “Robbie” person is apparently up for a lifetime of being spoken to like “where you at” and “I been busy,” and if that’s not punishment enough, he has to share a beautiful little baby boy with someone who’s clearly on the wrong side of well-adjusted. Good luck with that, dude.

Image courtesy of TMZ

Mariah Yeater Dropped That Paternity Suit, You Know

photo of mariah yeater mugshot justin bieber pictures photos
From TMZ:

Justin Bieber’s baby mama has dismissed her paternity lawsuit against the singer … TMZ has learned.

The suit was quietly dismissed late last week. What’s more, Mariah Yeater’s lawyers, Lance Rogers and Matt Pare, have quit her … withdrawn from the case.

As we first reported, Justin not only planned to take a DNA test when he returned to the U.S., he was going to sue Yeater and her lawyers for making a bogus claim. And, as we reported, Justin’s lawyer, Howard Weitzman, called the attorneys and informed them a suit was looming.

Apparently, they got the message.

Damn. Damn. I think I was the only one in the world who’d actually hoped that Bieber did knock this chick up, and in a minute, all of my dreams are crushed.  Man. Can you just imagine how Mariah feels? I mean, we’ve already forgotten her. I spent the first ten minutes writing this post under the headline “Miranda Yeater Dropped That Paternity Suit, You Know.”

Sorry to add insult to injury (to crazy!), girl!