You guys might have noticed that I’m usually a pretty cheery, lighthearted person, but Christmas, my very favorite holiday, just makes me ecstatic. And it’s so close, so I’m barely able to function. But in all my Christmas cheer, I have to stop and talk to you guys about what Mariah Carey wore yesterday. And it brings deep sadness to my heart.
Because, ok, what the actual f-ck? Why? What is that thing she’s wearing around her waist? I mean, I know it’s completely stupid, but what’s the actual function of it? Is she gaining weight again? Her face looks a little fuller. If she is, that’s cool, I don’t hate, but might that, along with the giant corseted mess around her midsection, mean that she’s undergoing fertility treatments again? Perhaps most importantly, would there be any such explanation for her hair situation?
Ok, let’s do some critical thinking here. Mariah Carey is one of the biggest divas out there. Mariah Carey thinks that Mariah Carey is the greatest thing ever. And Nick Cannon, being Mariah’s loving husband, agrees with her on that. So what do they jam to?
They listen to Mariah’s music, natch! Specifically the song above: Nick said that “Hero” was his favorite sexy time song. Can you even imagine? Seriously, can you? Because my brain is being a sweetheart and it won’t let me envision this scenario. I think it’s trying to protect me from any kind of trauma, which would almost certainly occur if I were to Mariah doing her trademark high-pitched squealing while getting banged by Nick.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re wondering why I’m seriously dedicating a whole post to some massage that Mariah Carey got, and I understand that. It does seem like a particularly boring subject, but guys. You have to trust me on this one. Because this story is awesome.
The American Idol diva arranged an eight-hour rub-down while she got shut-eye at her L.A. mansion September 29.
“The masseuse made $1,500,” a source tells Us Weekly. On top of that, Carey had a seriously kooky request.
“She insisted [Sacha Baron Cohen's] Bruno play on repeat,” the insider adds. “It looped the entire time!”
This is what rich people do. They get massages for eight hours while watching Bruno over and over and napping. I’m having trouble even comprehending that. I thought about getting a massage one time, but then I figured I’d probably just pay my water bill or whatever. Or go shopping. Because no joke, I think I’m developing a moderate addiction to shopping. The other day I was out and I just bought two pairs of jeans on a whim, and when I got home I was like “I don’t even like these,” so I took them back and got different clothes. And then last week I got some whey protein because I’ve been getting into fitness and all, and I made a drink and it was so gross and I felt sick, so I asked my boyfriend if it had any sort of dairy in it (I’m lactose intolerant), and he just looked at me and I was like “oh, right.”
Did I just get incredibly off topic? It’s because Mariah Carey’s massage just completely blew my mind.