OK, well, my worst nightmare is technically burning to death or rape or being kidnapped by some Buffalo Bill type and living in a well and applying lotion to my skin per his request, but this is sure up there.

The Bros were recently performed a concert at The Grove in Los Angeles. The Grove is one of those “urban oasis shopping centers”, kind of. It’s an outdoor mall, basically. They have a little train running through it (annoying, not charming) and a fountain and shit like that. There’s an American Girl Doll Store. The suburban girl in me does love going there on occasion, but for the most part I avoid it at all costs due simply to the fact that the parking garage there gives me anxiety. It’s mad claustrophobic and people in LA suck at hustling when they walk and being aware of their surroundings so I always feel like I’m on the verge of completely losing my shit whenever I’m there. I don’t think I’m alone in this, either.

So The Jonas Brothers were at this horrible place performing a show recently and while they were making their escape they got stuck in the garage elevator. For an hour. The Jonas Brothers were stuck in an elevator in the worst parking garage in LA for an hour and they didn’t die from anxiety/fear/exhaustion. Are The Jonas Brothers actually The Jesus Brothers? I think so.

This is funny, though: According to a source who spoke to the NY Post, the JoBros were able to escape after an hour only because they were all skinny enough to slide through the tiny opening that a security guard managed to pry in the doors. LOL.

I just wanted to let you know that it’s been raining since the Golden Globes in LA (that’s like, four days), which is a year’s worth of rain here. The city becomes absolutely impossible when it rains for a few reasons: no one knows how to behave in this weather (driving sucks), the city is not prepared for this much weather (we sometimes lose Internet due to rain), and it takes the best part of LA (the sunshine) out of the equation. For example, look at Katy Perry slipping and sliding her way in to Fred62 yesterday. Girl’s just trying to get a Wimpy Burger and she can’t even walk right. I’m from Boston, I know this sounds babyish, but I’m telling you: a little bit of rain brings this town to all sorts of haults.

So, for those of you who didn’t know me before EvilBeet, I’m kinda known to some people as a blogger and some people as a Twitterer and some people as a vlogger. I used to make videos every day but that’s slowed down as I’ve gained a little bit of self control.

Anyway, my best friend Ed and I are always getting together and watching Real Housewives and talking about superficial bullshit we think is funny, so last night we talked about Real Housewives of OC, Levi Johnston (Ed bought a Playgirl subscription just so he could check out the goods) and this horrible man in a Gucci fanny pack that was mean to our friend.

You may think we’re a couple of ridiculous, self-important squares who don’t need to be on camera without make up and talking about this stuff, and you’d be right. But whatever. We do what we want.

And before you start thinking of telling me that my nose looks like a whale’s dick, I’ve already been told that, so go back to the insult well and pull up something slightly more clever.

Just what Hollywood needs, another overpriced, C-list laden, paparazzi covered bar!

The opening night of new club Voyeur went down on Thursday and tons of celebs came out (read: got free bottle service) to be there for all the madness. Samantha Ronson, Gerard Butler, Shane West and Shanna Moakler were snapped headed in and out of the club by the paparazzi, who must have been taking a break from standing in front of Teddy’s or Guys and Dolls or wherever the hell the kids are going these days. Bardot. Is that one of them? H-Wood? Is that still open? Hyde? Les Deux? Opera? Anyone wanna play a game of LA-club based Scategories?

The city of LA — already half a billion bucks in debt — shelled out another $1.4 mil to throw the biggest memorial bash in recent memory for Michael Jackon.

Matt Szabo, a spokesman for Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, hailed the tally a success. He said it was “far less” than the initial estimate of $4 million.

The amount included $1.1 million in overtime pay for the 4,173 officers who worked to secure Staples Center, Forest Lawn cemetery and other areas that attracted fans and members of the media, the Police Department said in a statement. The remaining amount covered traffic control, cleanup and other costs. Part of those “other costs” were lunches for the cops, which were supplied by a restaurant 80 miles outside LA and cost $49,000.

But here’s the best part — they were prepared to have 250,000 people converge on downtown streets for the service. In the end? Only 1000 showed. I guess people really would rather watch this insanity from the comfort (and safety) of their own living room. Some common sense from the American masses? I neer thought I’d see the day.