“Who the hell is Rosie O’Donnell to judge anyone, especially Lindsay, who has far more talent than Rosie ever had? Lindsay’s talent isn’t limited to being a comedian or getting notoriety for adopting and raising a bunch of kids. Sure, [Lindsay] has her pitfalls, but she is 25, and how old is Rosie? Two failed talk shows, a failed marriage, etc … He/she who is without sin. May they cast the first stone.”

This is Michael Lohan, telling the world that Rosie O’Donnell is a big old piece of shit in comparison to his gem of a daughter, Lindsay Lohan, or as Emily so lovingly dubbed her earlier today, Ol’ Flop Lip. Which is staying. It’s staying FOREVER, because it made me laugh harder than probably anything has all week. Ol’ Flop Lip. Good God.

Anyway, Rosie O’Donnell was quoted as saying something like how there’s no way Lindsay’s going to be able to pull off playing Liz Taylor, and while yes, we all agree with her, saying this kind of stuff out loud is like shooting a dead dog. It’s just cruel and it’s kind of morbid. And it makes Michael Lohan open his mouth and say things, and I’m sorry, but that just never ends well. Normally it ends with a woman being kicked in the genitals, and we all know how uncomfortable that is for everyone involved.

Last, can we just drop this Lindsay Lohan-Liz Taylor thing? Because even if she does fabulously, it doesn’t count for a damn thing. IT’S A LIFETIME MOVIE, FOR F-CK’S SAKE.

Oh my gosh, not really. Lindsay Lohan will never be on Elizabeth Taylor’s level. No, what I mean is that Ol’ Flop Lip up there has officially landed the role of Elizabeth Taylor in that Lifetime movie.

You can read Lifetime’s press release about the movie over at Deadline, but here’s my favorite part:

“We are thrilled Lindsay will portray beloved Hollywood legend Elizabeth Taylor,” added Sharenow.  “She is one of the rare actresses who possesses the talent, beauty and intrigue to capture the spirit of such a provocative icon.”

So take that, naysayers. Lindsay is so much more than the little girl from Parent Trap. She is beauty. She is intrigue. She’s the most talented actress of our generation, in fact, of any generation. She’s such a delightful, glorious star that the executive producer of the movie literally cried while discussing hiring Lindsay:

“We have wanted Lindsay from day one,” Thompson tells E! News in an exclusive interview. “She had a lot in her life that was going on. We needed to give her time to take care of her business, and while we negotiated the deal for her we prayed for her—and wonderfully she has behaved. She’s cleared herself and we’re ready to start this movie.”

What a relief (no doubt LiLo’s thrilled). But while Lindsay has cleared her legal slate, she’s far from perfect in the public eye, so we have to wonder why, exactly, Thompson felt he could trust the notorious starlet:

“We truly feel that Lindsay Lohan is perfect for Elizabeth Taylor for our movie….I think Lindsay—who is very gifted—deserved another chance,” Thompson explained. “We never, of three pages of ‘what if’s’ in the negotiation, there never was ‘what if she can’t act.’ We know she can act.”

“We could hire actresses that would be great and people would watch it, but I think that Lindsay brings to Elizabeth Taylor and to our project that sparkle of magic, that sparkle of today,” Thompson reveals while tearing up and recounting the emotional rollercoaster of casting the less-than-perfect LiLo.

“She is today what Elizabeth Taylor was in her life during the time that our movie will cover. I think, while there are a lot of people who know Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton, Lindsay will bring a young audience to our movie who might not otherwise know who they are.”

The movie starts filming in June and will air in October, but we’ve got oodles of times to prepare for that. I want to focus on this little gem that hit us out of nowhere: “‘I think that Lindsay brings to Elizabeth Taylor and to our project that sparkle of magic, that sparkle of today,’ Thompson reveals while tearing up.” Isn’t that one of the most fabulous lines you’ve ever heard?

Especially if she’s going for the caught-a-fish-with-an-infected-lip thing. Definitely.

This is what Lindsay looked like this past Saturday as she ran errands out in LA.

And here’s another shot, taken over the weekend, that confirms she’s really trying to lose that Liz Taylor gig. And judging by these photos, it looks like her career really is officially over, even though Glee‘s Chris Colfer says otherwise. Remember how Lindsay filmed an episode of Glee in a guest star role? It’s airing next month, and Colfer says that it’s going to be “damn funny”:

“I can’t say much, but Lindsay is judging the Nationals show choir competition, which is damn funny.”

If by “damn funny,” he means “pathetic, contrived, and chock-full of self-deprecating ‘humor’ that’s about as old as the hair on her busted weave,” then yes, Lindsay’s appearance will be damn funny. You know what’s also funny when it comes to Lindsay Lohan (oh my God so much)? That Michael Lohan is sticking up for Lindsay over that whole bar-brawl thing she got into last week. The course of events, courtesy of Michael Lohan, father of the year, himself:

“There were some people dancing around her and people trying to get to her and I was keeping them away. I heard commotion behind me. And the girl said something and Lindsay cursed and the other girl threw a drink at her and that was it. I grabbed Lindsay, I held the other girl back and told security to get her out right away… (The girl said) ‘What are you doing here with your father?’ [But] there was no contact whatsoever. … I’m not out here often, so I don’t get a chance to see her and it’s horrible that I had to be brought into this situation like this.”

First of all, I didn’t even realize that these two were officially on speaking terms again. Are they? Or is it maybe more that Lindsay has absolutely no one left these days, and her father, though unstable and violent and maybe even more of a famewhore than his daughter is, is still a companion that girlfriend knows can be counted on through thick and thin? (Probably ‘thin’ moreso than ‘thick’, since Michael Lohan loves nothing more than stirring shit up.)

The whole thing is sad, but the saddest thing of all is probably the state of Lindsay’s lips. Honestly, how does something ever really recover from looking like that?

These past few weeks, ever since Amanda Bynes got that DUI and then kept right on partying, people have been comparing her with Lindsay Lohan. I definitely see it: they were both promising child actors with a great future ahead of them, they both excelled with comedy, then at some point they both started drinking too much, got DUIs, got a “party girl” reputation, spun webs of crack lies, and through it all, they kept right on getting trashed at the Chateau Marmont. Those are a whole lot of similarities, right?

But no, Amanda thinks we’re all just a bunch of clueless sexists:

“Amanda thinks its extremely unfair that people are calling her the new Lindsay Lohan,” a source close to the actress tells RadarOnline.com exclusively. “Comparisons between the two are just ridiculous as Amanda has never been arrested for drug possession or for stealing anything. Yes, she got arrested for a DUI, but that doesn’t mean that she is headed down the same road as Lindsay. Amanda doesn’t harbor any negative feelings towards Lindsay, she doesn’t even know her, she just thinks it’s sexist that the two are being compared. Men in Hollywood that get arrested for DUI’s don’t face the same scrutiny that women do and that is what really irks Amanda. She isn’t taking the DUI arrest lightly.”

Oh, and speaking of not taking the DUI lightly, here’s a story about how she’s still telling everyone that she wasn’t even drunk:

Hollywood’s newest troubled starlet, Amanda Bynes, is telling friends her Breathalyzer test was negative on the night of her DUI arrest. A source close to the former Nickelodeon actress, who was busted earlier this month after clipping a cop car, tells us: “She is saying she blew a 0.0 on the night she was arrested for DUI. Amanda is hopeful that she won’t be charged. But the bigger concern to her aides is her state of mind and her health. She hasn’t been herself in almost two years, and is clearly struggling. She has been told not to go out to clubs and to lay low. She is truly a little girl lost right now.” Despite the warnings, Bynes has continued to hit the party circuit.

Yeah, that doesn’t sound like Lindsay at all. The only reason that we’re even drawing these comparisons is because they both have the same genitalia. Ugh, we’re so superficial.

But for real, Amanda obviously has Lindsay Lohan problems. That’s undeniable, no matter what she says. And who better to help someone with their Lindsay Lohan problems than Lindsay Lohan herself?

According to one of Lindsay Lohan’s best friends, the actress would be more than happy to chat with Amanda Bynes, hoping the young actress’ recent DUI arrest and resulting intense media scrutiny won’t mirror LiLo’s own troubled years — which now, happily, appear to behind her.

According to my own L.A. paparazzi sources, Bynes will be in for continuing attention from the paps — especially as the former child star continues to party hearty in the days since she was pulled over for that alleged DUI.

Lindsay’s doing sooo much better now, I really hope she can be Amanda’s mentor! They can get together and talk about their future Oscar nominations and how much everyone loves them and definitely not get any cocktails whatsoever.

From Radar Online:

Detectives from the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department have officially received the surveillance video from The Standard Hotel in West Hollywood from the night that a woman claims Lindsay Lohan assaulted her, and the video clearly shows Lohan at the club, despite her claims that she was at home watching television, RadarOnline.com is exclusively reporting.

As previously reported, Lindsay is being investigated for allegedly assaulting Marisa Dugas almost two weeks ago. The actress vehemently denied being out that night, claiming she was at home watching television when the incident allegedly occurred, even though three people – including the accuser — have now filed police reports.

“Investigators obtained the surveillance video from the Smoke & Mirrors nightclub at The Standard Hotel and it clearly shows that Lindsay was there on the night of the alleged assault,” a law enforcement source tells RadarOnline.com. “The investigation is still ongoing and follow-up interviews will now be conducted as necessary. Of course, investigators want to interview Lindsay about the incident, but she hasn’t been interviewed yet, nor is she under any obligation to do so. Remember, two other witnesses besides the alleged victim filed police reports, including the bouncer of the nightclub.”

When contacted for comment, Lohan’s rep initially denied his client was at the hotel and told RadarOnline.com, “Whomever is responsible for this lie will be held accountable for their misguided actions.” However, he is now saying, “We’re going to wait for the Sheriff’s Department to release their findings before we comment any further.”

Well this sounds promising. It’s good to know that Lindsay’s so delusional that she thinks she can get away with absolutely anything. I’d say, “Who the f-ck does she think she is,” but I know the answer to that. She thinks she’s Lindsay Lohan, and Lindsay Lohan gets away with everything. Pretty much answers the question, now, doesn’t it? In related news, Lindsay was also involved in ANOTHER altercation—at the same club—the other night. TMZ reports that Lindsay got into it with some other girl at the bar, and of all people she could have called*, she phoned her father, Michael Lohan. The situation only improved from there:

Lindsay’s friend drove her car to the hotel — LiLo was in the passenger seat. The driver pulled into the parking garage and hit another car. Witnesses say Lindsay then called her dad, Michael, for help, and he dutifully showed up.

So what did Michael do? He took Lindsay inside the club and the two hung out for hours … we’re told without any alcohol.

Around closing time, a woman in the booth next to theirs made a snide comment about Lindsay showing up with her dad. Lindsay then got up and screamed at the woman, “Shut the f**k up.” We’re told that’s when the drink drenched the actress.

We’re told Michael then grabbed his daughter and made a beeline for the door.

This all happened on Wednesday night, and now people are saying that Lindsay not only instigated the fight, but that she was the one who threw the drink in the other girl’s face. Witnesses say that Lindsay poked some random chick and asked, “Did you bump me?” to which the girl answered no, and gestured to Lindsay’s father, saying something like, “Maybe he bumped you.” Lindsay then responded that her dad wouldn’t bump her, and the girl—who’s patience was probably thread-thin at this point—laughed and said, “You go clubbing with your dad?” Lindsay then, predictably, flipped out, threw a drink (who’s drink? I thought Lindsay didn’t drink? Was it just virgin orange juice? Yeah sure that had to be it) in the girl’s face and began swearing at her. The part, though, about Michael Lohan being the responsible one and dragging Lindsay out of the club is allegedly true, but I’m not sure I believe that too well.

You know what they say—you give a girl an inch and she’ll cut it up on the glass table in front of you and try to snort it. And when she can’t? Well, she’ll call her dad, and he’ll try.

*That’s a joke. There is no one else that Lindsay could have called. She’s got no more friends.

Because of her face. Yes, Lindsay Lohan could lose the chance to star in Lifetime’s Elizabeth Taylor biopic, the movie that’s supposed to be a big part of her comeback, all because of her face, or more specifically, the parts of her face that aren’t real.

From OK! magazine via Celebitchy:

Lindsay Lohan has a plum role waiting for in Lifetime’s Liz & Dick… but in her desperation to look the part of one of the 20th century’s great beauty icons, Lindsay submitted to cosmetic procedures that bloated and distorted her face – and nearly lost her the job.

An insider close to the Lohan camp reports that before flying from LA to NYC for several big meetings, including one with Lifetime executives, Lindsay “was overdone with fillers, Botox and God knows what else. Word is that she had so many shots she went way overboard. And when they took one look at her – they were repulsed and shocked.”

According to the insider, Team Lohan has explained to the execs that Lindsay had indeed undergone some aesthetic touching up – but that the actress “was not told by doctors that she wasn’t allowed to fly immediately afterward – and well, it was a catastrophe. In the course of Lindsay’s five-hour flight, the change in air pressure obviously did much damage and caused unexpected side effects.”

The Lifetime execs want to set conditions, says the insider. “I heard someone ask if Lindsay’s people would take a few photos of her with proof of date over the next few weeks, and that if her face was less swollen and back to normal, they’d use her,” the insider tells OK!

For Lindsay, there’s a lot more than her reputation riding on Liz & Dick: apparently, Lindsay is flat broke.

“She’s as poor as poor can be, doesn’t have two nickels to rub together and she owes more than $3 million in debt,” the insider tells OK!. “Lindsay’s recent Playboy magazine spread only paid a small pittance compared with what she owes,” adds the source, “and she’s desperately looking, pitching and offering to do absolutely anything to take her back to something like the lifestyle she had become accustomed to.”

Wow. That’s a lot of information, huh? Let’s break it down.

I can’t imagine why anyone would do this to her face. I just can’t. I’m sure the pressures of being a 23-year-old gossip blogger in Tennessee are a little different than being a 25-year-old actress in Hollywood, but listen, everyone has a face, and you need to protect it. Sticking a needle full of toxins in your face isn’t protecting it. Call me crazy, but I don’t think you should take a needle to the face unless it’s medically necessary. And the part about how the air pressure caused “unexpected side effects”? How is that not one of the most terrifying things you’ve ever heard?

And Lindsay Lohan is not “poor as poor can be.” A couple of years ago when I was in college, I was scrounging together as much money as I could, taking out too many student loans and working as many hours as I could in the theatre. I was sad sometimes because I couldn’t afford to go out with my friends and I had to put every dime I had towards textbooks. One time I accidentally overdrew my bank account by a dollar, and my bank took out $35 a week as long as my account was in the negative, and it took me over a month to get things back on track, no matter how many times I called my bank and cried. And you guys: I was still nowhere near being “poor as poor can be.” That’s ridiculous.

But what do you guys think: does Lindsay still have a chance of getting it together at this point?