I mean, some of you couldn’t blame her if she was trying, right? Some of you have really high opinions of what Brown’s got going on below the belt, I think. Anyway, according to Lindsay’s Twitter:

@ChrisBrown killed it. #MTVVMAs

Then, a few minutes later, she Tweeted:

@ChrisBrown wanna meet?

Chris Brown, so far, hasn’t responded, but maybe he sent her a direct message featuring his brown Chris. That apparently seals the deal for most women everywhere.

“Marilyn was the beautiful bad girl in that tight, rose-colored dress. The character she played was strong and taking control, which I unconsciously knew at that young age [12] was a necessary quality for a woman. I can understand the photographer Bernard of Hollywood’s [Bruno Bernard] statement, ‘it took a superhuman effort to be Marilyn.’ I identify.

“People in their mind have created who I am and act as if there is no real person inside of me. Just like Marilyn. Marilyn never wanted to be just a celebrity. Neither do I … I had always thought that movie stars were in films that would last forever in your mind. But now the films don’t. I don’t want to be remembered as someone who just wanted to be photographed, who goes out at night, and gets in trouble.

“Heath Ledger once said to me, ‘It’s built you up to knock you down and that’s all it is.’ Marilyn said she had no foundation. But she said she was really working on it. I’ve been trying to do the same thing … I believe in myself and I’m a good actress.”

- Lindsay Lohan wrote a forward for a new Marilyn Monroe book, Marilyn: Intimate Exposures, and, predictably, made it all about Lindsay.

I don’t even get why Lindsay was asked to write a forward in the first place? Is it because of how often she tries to convince us that she’s as glamorous and as beloved as Marilyn Monroe? Is it because the drugs are really fueling her creativity? I don’t know, but either way, Lindsay needs to check herself.

To be fair, I’m not all that familiar with Marilyn Monroe – I know all the general things, I’m just not some Marilyn buff who could explain what, if anything, makes Lindsay think she’s on that level – but I do know one thing. In 50 years, ain’t NOBODY gonna be sporting a Lindsay Lohan tattoo … right?

Ok, before you start being like “oh, this bitch,” let me just remind/tell you that Kim requested that all her wedding guests come dressed in black or white, so she’s not being That Girl who shows up to your wedding in some budget bridal mess. Or, well, if she is, she’s at least sticking to the theme.

Regardless of how cheap the dress looks (it does look cheap, right, that’s not just me?), isn’t it inappropriate to have your basoomas hanging out like that at your pal’s wedding? I’m just assuming, I’ve only been to like two weddings, but I would think if some cracked out bitch showed up at my wedding, trying to upstage me with her admittedly impressive boobs, I’d be like “giiiiiiirl. Girl, no. This is my special day. Get you a shawl.” Would you?

Image courtesy of Gossip Center

I don’t listen to hip-hop, like, at all – I just learned yesterday that a rapper named Pitbull existed. But it turns out that he does exist, and it turns out that he has this song called “Give Me Everything,” and that song mentions our favorite girl, Lindsay Lohan. Here are the lyrics:

Hustlers move aside, so I’m tiptoein’, to keep flowin’
I got it locked up like Lindsay Lohan.

Oh, hell no.  No he did not. Is he even aware of what Lindsay’s been through? Does he even know how hard it was for Lindsay to serve those thirteen days in jail? No. No, because if he did, he wouldn’t be saying those awful things. Shame on you, Pitbull. Shame on you.

But, as always, Lindsay is getting the last laugh, by way of a lawsuit:

Lindsay is pissed, claiming in her lawsuit … “the lyrics, by virtue of its wide appeal, condemnation, excoriation, disparaging or defamatory statements by the defendants about the plaintiff are destined to do irreparable harm to the plaintiff.”

Lindsay, who claims in the lawsuit she is “a professional actor of good repute and standing in the Screen Actors Guild, is suing under the New York civil rights laws, which protects people from having their name exploited for commercial purposes.

Lindsay alleges the appearance of her name in the song ”causes [Lindsay] to be associated and identified in connection with defendants.”

The suit — filed by Stephanie Ovadia — seeks an injunction to stop all of the defendants from broadcasting the song.  It also seeks unspecified damages.  Ovadia is the same lawyer who filed the E*TRADE lawsuit on Lindsay’s behalf, which settled for a confidential sum.

“A professional actor of good repute and standing in the Screen Actors Guild,” are you serious?  Who wrote that?  What kind of illegal substance do you have to have inside your body to think that Lindsay Lohan is a professional actor of good repute? Seriously, please tell me which substance, I’m looking for a party tonight.

I don’t know why I even talk about this dumb bitch anymore. I know calling someone a “dumb bitch” isn’t very nice, but you know what? This dumb bitch totally deserves to be called a dumb bitch. If you don’t get that about drug-buying Lindsay Lohan, well then. I just don’t know what to tell you.

Anyway, this is her latest gore-soaked photo shoot courtesy of Tyler Shields, and it’s really not all that different from the rest. In this case, however, I just hope that no stupid assholes decided to drop a few g’s on it like last time.

Also, you should be pretty proud of your old girl, Sarah, here – this is my first Lindsay Lohan piece in almost three weeks. That’s, like, longer than Lindsay’s longest sober streak, you know?

Well, allegedly. We have a video of Lindsay Lohan buying drugs allegedly. Which is way different.

To be fair, I’ve only seen a handful of drug deals go down in my life, and most of them happened when I was a preteen, so I don’t feel 100% confident saying that yes, Lindsay is definitely purchasing some sort of illegal substance here. But for any of you who are more street smart than me (which would probably be all of you), the real action starts going down around the 1:40 mark. You can see a baggie full of something being passed off, and the whole thing just looks so shady. Plus, you know, it’s Lindsay, so yeah, I’m leaning towards this being a deal caught on video.

However, according to Lindsay’s publicist – and what a taxing job that man must have – there wasn’t no drug deal, no way, no how:

Lindsay Lohan’s powerhouse publicist, Steve Honig has denied his client was doing anything wrong and blamed the paparazzi agency that took the video as: “Knowingly and consciously making inferences about Lindsay that are completely untrue, and creating a fictitious story to get more people to visit their site.

“We were not given a chance to comment on this story before it went up, and no effort was made to gather the facts about what actually occurred.

“When I addressed this with the agency, they told me ‘we’re not the New York Times.’ They have made a horrific mistake; the worst part is, they know it but don’t care.”

Well, ok, so if Lindsay wasn’t buying drugs, then what was she buying?

RadarOnline.com has exclusively learned that the plastic bag did indeed contain various rocks and crystals — but they were  all of the legal variety – sea jasper, a meteor, rose quartz and quartz, all purchased by her pal from a store down the street.

Oh, ok!  My bad! Gosh, I feel so silly now, assuming that Lindsay was buying hard drugs and not rose quartz! Really, I could just kick myself over this whole big misunderstanding! Geez, what a way to kick off the morning, huh?