Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan Won’t Accept House Arrest; Prefers Zero Punishment

lindsay lohan

Lindsay Lohan is really counting on continuing to get away with stuff without repercussion, because why not? Her latest legal headache to everyone who has to deal with this is the Lindsay lying to the cops charge.

Where we last left off, Ms. Lohan wanted a plea deal and then didn’t accept it. Also, her lawyer sucks. The latest news is that Lohand That Rocks The Cradle (I know, I know, that doesn’t even make sense, I’m just trying to come up with new things to say about this girl) doesn’t want to accept house arrest even though that means she could face actual prison time instead. From TMZ:

Multiple sources connected with the case tell TMZ … the Santa Monica City Attorney and the L.A. City Attorney have both softened their position from lockdown rehab to 90-DAY HOUSE ARREST.

In fact, we’re told Lindsay’s lawyer, Mark Heller, is telling prosecutors Lindsay will accept a certain amount of house arrest.  Right now Heller and the prosecutors are squabbling over how much house arrest.   But here’s the problem … sources connected with Lindsay are telling us LiLo is adamant — she will not accept ANY punishment.

Bottom line — sources connected with the case tell us there’s a 75% chance the case will go to trial on March 18th.  If Lindsay rolls the dice and is convicted, she faces months of ACTUAL jail time.

Can we really blame her for thinking she’s invincible, because any other person would still be in jail from her previous offenses. Of course she thinks that she’s not going to get jail time. At least not “real” jail time.

Lohan, just take the house arrest. It’s not like you’re working anyway.

Lohan Not Totally Insane; Rejects Sheen’s Mentor Offer

lindsay lohan blonde yikes

Lindsay Lohan did something smart for a change, so naturally it made news. As we reported, yesterday Charlie “Only In America Would I Still Have A Career” Sheen offered to be Lindsay “This Tran Wreck Don’t Stop For No One” Lohan’s mentor:

From TMZ:

“I have a kinship with somebody [Lindsay] who clearly needs a mentor, whether she wants one or not. She can continue to hang out with her dress shredding club buddies, or turn to me for some advice from a guy who’s been down the road as well as every other side trail on the journey.”

He adds, “If she listens, she’ll win. If she doesn’t, that’s on her.”

In an amazing moment of clarity and brilliance, Ms. Lohan declined his offer. From TMZ again:

Sources close to LiLo tell TMZ … while she appreciates everything Sheen has done for her — and he’s done a lot — she would NEVER take him as a mentor. She’s saying she knows her life is “out of control,” but doesn’t think the precept, “It takes one to know one,” is the way to go.

She says she’s grateful Charlie gave her $100k for her back taxes and supported her in “Scary Movie 5.” Lindsay says she talks to Charlie from time to time … but gripes he has no business talking about her to the media.

This is HILARIOUS. Emilio, it’s your turn!

emilio estevez breakfast club gif

Charlie Sheen Wants to Be Lindsay Lohan’s Mentor

Christ almighty, what is it with Charlie Sheen‘s obsession with Lindsay Lohan? He’s been throwing cash her way for months now to help with unpaid taxes, shredded dresses and the like… and now he wants to mentor her. I just can’t.

From TMZ:

Charlie tells TMZ, “I have a kinship with somebody [Lindsay] who clearly needs a mentor, whether she wants one or not. She can continue to hang out with her dress shredding club buddies, or turn to me for some advice from a guy who’s been down the road as well as every other side trail on the journey.”

He adds, “If she listens, she’ll win. If she doesn’t, that’s on her.”

Let’s get this straight. This crack-addicted womanizer who thinks “WINNING!” is a good catchphrase is going to teach another crackhead how to… what, smoke more crack? Talk completely bonkers nonsense in interviews so that people wonder if she’s gone off the deep end for good? I think she’s got that one covered, bro.

The blind should never lead the blind, people. What’s so difficult to understand? Also, she’s half his age and clearly not in her right mind – what’s his interest in her? If he truly believes he’s in a position to save anyone else, then he really has lost the plot and should be institutionalized… maybe in a cell right next to hers?

Lindsay Lohan Gets Told Off (Via Her Lawyer) At Court

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Lindsay Lohan is all for personal appearances – except when it comes to her own court dates, of course.  She’s been seeking a plea deal in her drunk driving case in an attempt to stay out of jail, but she half-assed even that, and the judge was none too pleased about it.

From TMZ:

Lindsay Lohan has an incompetent lawyer representing her …. so says the judge in her criminal case.

It was shocking but Judge Jim Dabney reamed Mark Heller, saying he was incompetent to practice law in California and said Lindsay either has to get another lawyer who knows what he’s doing or she has to come into court and waive her right to a competent California lawyer.

The judge informed Mark Heller he screwed up the legal docs he filed by not following California law … and the motion to dismiss charges was DENIED. Heller tried to blame the previous lawyer, but his paperwork was so screwed up … his argument fell on deaf ears.

The judge went on to say Heller doesn’t have a clue about criminal law, questioning his competence to handle the case. The California lawyer who’s sponsoring Heller to appear in Lindsay’s case didn’t show up today, and the judge made note of that … not that it would really matter, because the sponsor never practiced law a day in her life.

Prosecutor Terry White made it clear … he’s ready for trial on March 18, where Lindsay will have to face the music in her lying-to-cops case.

Because this Mark Heller bro seems as incompetent as his client, he made a statement to the press after exiting court, telling reporters that the judge totally wasn’t calling him incompetent, just saying that things are handled differently in California than they are in New York. Okay, keep telling yourself that.

Boo Hoo, Lindsay Lohan Doesn’t Want to Go to Jail, Is Seeking a Plea Deal

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From TMZ:

Lindsay Lohan may have been drinking just before she crashed her Porsche last June on Pacific Coast Highway … TMZ has learned. Nevertheless, prosecutors are offering her a brand new plea deal that does NOT involve jail.

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ … a bottle of alcohol was found next to Lindsay’s Porsche, and we’re told her breath smelled of alcohol. For some reason, cops did not perform a field sobriety test at the scene of the crash.

Sources tell us … the Santa Monica City Attorney is prepared to offer Lindsay 60 days in a residential rehab facility in her lying-to-cops case — where she said she wasn’t driving the Porsche. That’s 4 months less than the original offer.

In addition, we’re told the City Attorney wants Lindsay to attend another set of AA meetings. And he wants her to do community service. We’re told the prosecutor will let her do the community service in New York City, but — unlike Chris Brown — it must be closely monitored.

The wild card is that the L.A. City Attorney is also involved in the case because they’re handling the jewelry heist case where Lindsay is still on probation. Up to now, we’re told the L.A. City Attorney wanted jail time for the probation violation, but the prosecutor may back off that position.

I almost just want to paste this story here and leave it with nothing added, because I think we’re all running out of things to say about Lindsay Lohan, at this point. She’s just guilty. She crashed, she lied about crashing and even her former assistant is ready to testify against her to say that this is the case. What more is to be said here? Send her ass to jail. The end.

Lohan’s Ex Assistant To Testify Against Her

lindsay lohan assistant gavin doyle

Lindsay Lohan is finally having to face up to her consquences. Her former assistant, Gavin Doyle, has been ordered to testify against her in court regarding one of Lohan’s many car crashes.

In June, Lohan crashed on the Pacific Coast Highway in Malibu. Or did she? When police showed up, Ms. Lohan denied being the driver and said her assistant, Gavin Doyle, was driving. Then, getting some sense from somewhere, Mr. Doyle told police that Lohan was lying and that she indeed was the one driving. A few months later Doyle picked up Lohan at a police station where she was being held for beating up a psychic (I can’t, I can’t even). The next day Lohan and Doyle had an argument in a car and she kicked him out. Doyle tweeted,

@lindsaylohan after bailing you out last night I HOPE and PRAY you are getting the help you so desperately need. We are ALL rooting for you. xxx

In November Lohan was charged with lying to the police and only now are they moving forward. She could face up to 1 year in prison but probably won’t. Best she’ll get is 1 hour, if that.

Let this be a lesson to all of us: do not get into a car with Lindsay Lohan. Not even once.

Thanks to TMZ for breaking this incredibly important news.

Lindsay Lohan Isn’t Getting Any Money From Pitbull

I hope Lindsay Lohan hasn’t thrown the rolled up dollar bill with Charlie Sheen‘s phone number on it away, because she’s going to need another way to pay for that dress she cut up since her lawsuit against Pitbull for using her name was dismissed. If you remember, Lindsay wasn’t too keen on a certain set of lyrics in “Give Me Everything” which said “Hustlers move aside, so I’m tiptoein’, to keep flowin’/ I got it locked up like Lindsay Lohan.” Is that verse any good? Well, no. Is it worth getting sued over? A New York judge says definitely not – despite the fact that it’s inaccurate since Lindsay is above the law and has never been “locked up” for more than a couple of weeks.

From TMZ:

Pitbull didn’t just win his legal war with Lindsay Lohan … he ANNIHILATED HER … TMZ has learned.

We broke the story … Lohan sued the rapper in 2011 for using her name in his hit song “Give Me Everything” … when he dropped the line, “I got it locked up like Lindsay Lohan.”

Lohan claimed Pitbull never got permission to use her name … and therefore he had no right to profit off of it.

But today a New York federal judge sided with Pitbull … ruling that Lindsay is dead wrong on the law — because the song is a work of art protected by the 1st amendment PLUS Lindsay’s barely even mentioned in it.

The judge also ruled … Lindsay’s allegations that she suffered emotional distress are also BS.

The case has been dismissed.

I’m sure Lindsay has suffered emotional distress from many things – being raised by abusive, manipulative, cash cow parents, doing enough drugs to run Colombia for a decade, whatever she got implanted in her lips… you get the point. In any case, I’m glad that she couldn’t stop the party for Pitbull. Get it? (I’ll show myself out.)