Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Lindsay Lohan

Deep Thoughts by Michael Lohan

Remember that day back in ninth grade when all the guys came over to your garage to kick-start that jam band that was gonna be huge at Battle of the Bands this year, and you were very impressively demonstrating the three power chords your big sister’s boyfriend taught you last week when your mom walked in with a plate of her sugar cookies with the cutesy icing smiley faces and exotic icing hairdos and announced that she’d made your very favorite! To share with everyone! Remember how humiliating that was?


Now imagine that you’re a 20-year-old international superstar with an (alleged) drug problem and well-known work-ethic problem, and your incarcerated, alcoholic, shoe-assault-y father has drawn a motherfucking cartoon about your estrangement from him and sent it to Lloyd Grove at the NY Daily News, who ran it immediately, and just when you think things can’t get any worse, it turns out your nutcase of an absentee father thinks you still wear Uggs.

Because that’s how Lindsay Lohan feels today. So call your folks right now and tell ‘em you love ‘em, okay?

Breaking: Steve-O Drunk, Saying Dumb Things…

…and TMZ has it on tape. Actually, the Jackass star invited the paparazzi up to his apartment, where he was getting stinking drunk with his grossly anorexic and probably-not-gonna-make-it-as-an-actress-if-her-utter-inability-to-be-natural-on-camera-is-any-indication girlfriend. He then tells the camera man that he and Nicole Richie’s relationship was entirely a PR stunt, blasts Brandon Davis for being an overall fuckwit (props for that), calls Paris Hilton a “self-made millionaire,” and makes the (actually pretty dead-on) point that Lindsay Lohan and Eminem have similarly inspiring rags-to-riches stories. He mentions repeatedly that all he’s ever wanted in life is to be hounded by the paparazzi. Somewhere in there he appeals to Nicole to call him, as he’s lost her number and email address and would like to be friends again. His disturbingly anorexic girlfriend gropes him the whole time. “Whatever comes out of my mouth,” he tells the photogs, “run it.”

It’s like watching a trainwreck. A beautiful, glorious, drunken trainwreck.

Closing Time

It’s a slow news day. The things you might care about, before the week ends:

  • Lou Diamond Phillips arrested for some good old-fashioned wife-beating. People epithets him as “Law & Order: SVU actor.” It’s as if Stand and Deliver never even happened…so sad…
  • Fuck. Yes. Screech — who the mainstream media begrudgingly continues to refer to as “Dustin Diamond” — says he fought with a woman who entered his Omaha hotel room to steal video games while he was touring with a — wait for it, just wait — adults-only comedy show. The woman denies the charges. The news here, of course, is that we are somehow still writing pieces about Dustin Diamond.
  • La Lohan finally has a stalker. According to several different reports, the stalker has done the following things: sent Lindsay flowers at her place of occasional work, and sent letters asking to meet her, providing his full name and phone number. This is fucking creepy, you guys.
  • Patrick Swayze tragically reminds us he exists, valiantly comes to the rescue of his good buddy Mel Gibson by forcing us all to note that if there’s anything more retarded than driving a car drunk, it is, undoubtedly, flying a Cessna drunk.
  • Lark Voorhees got a parking ticket today.
  • I mean, she didn’t, of course, but it would totally not be news if she did. So why are we still writing pieces about Dustin Diamond?

Pffft! Lindsay Lohan Plans to Go to Iraq

If I had been drinking milk when I first read this headline (I never drink milk; I am lactose intolerant; but still), it would have come straight out my nose.

But wait! It’s not over yet!

“I’ve been trying to go to Iraq with Hillary Clinton for so long,” says Lohan. “Hillary was trying to work it out, but it seemed too dangerous.”

That sound you hear? Is your reality shifting. Give it a minute to settle. Take a deep breath. Clean up the snot-milk.

And we’re not even halfway through our exploration of the cornucopia of stupid that is the interview she gave to People Elle magazine. Ready for more?

“I wanted to do what Marilyn Monroe did (during the Korean War), when she went and just set up a stage and did a concert for the troops all by herself. It’s so amazing seeing that one woman just going somewhere, this beautiful sex kitten, who’s basically a pinup, which is what I’ve always aspired to be.”

Let’s put that in black-and-white, Linds. Let’s set aside all those critics who are amazed, time and time again, that despite the cocaine-induced “dehydration” and the anorexia and the starlet-celebutante in-fighting, you put out extraordinary on-camera performances every single time you’re cast in anything, and let’s make sure it is absolutely clear that what you have always wanted to be is not an acclaimed actress, but rather a pinup. Okay. Phew.


Is the delicate beauty afraid of going to Iraq?

Of course not. She’ll have a gun.

“I’m not afraid of going. My security guard is going to take me to a gun range when I get back to L.A., and I’m going to start taking shooting lessons.”

There are some more little gems in there, but don’t waste too much of your time reading them, because Lindsay admits that sometimes she will tell reporters “things that aren’t true … just because it’s fun.” Like when she later told the People reporter that she doesn’t blow coke.

Lindsay Lohan in a Tight White Wife Beater with No Bra

Don’t say I never do anything nice for you.

I really want to know what is in her left hand. Is that a Coke bottle? Like, a bonafide Coke bottle? Where do you buy Coke bottles? I really want one now. I feel like Coke just tastes better that way. Like a little taste of the carefree days of the ’50s. When women wore cone bras. We should bring back cone bras. Who’s with me?

Lindsay "Lowen" Shills for ProActiv

A daily coke habit gets expensive. Below, La Lohan makes her ProActiv debut, with only the slightest hint of disgust and resentment in her voice. Seriously, why is she doing this ad? Does she really need the money and/or exposure?

Also notable:

1) She pronounces her last name “Lowen,” and the voice-over does the same.
2) I think they’ve sampled Tupac’s “Changes” for the background music. Tell me I’m wrong.

In related news: Paris Hilton is still a raging bitch. She’s also totally banging Brandon Davis, fresh out of rehab. This girl is class all the way.

And in ProActiv alumna news: Jessica Simpson has a camel toe. Her skin don’t look that great either…