Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Lindsay Lohan

Listen Up! Lindsay Lohan’s Assistant Is About to Tell You What She Needs!

A pretty funny video from X17, as the paparazzi follow LiLo around for the better part of a day. She eats at Il Fornaio with Harry Morton and a woman who is either a rookie personal assistant or a very entitled friend.

Before Lindsay leaves the restaurant, this mystery woman comes out and instructs the paparazzi that she “needs them to stay at least ten feet back.” The paparazzi chirp their agreement — “yes yes, no problem, of course, sure, you got it” — and, confident her natural genius for paparazzi negotiation has once again worked its subtle magic, she heads back inside the restaurant.

She emerges later with Lindsay, who is instantly clobbered by photogs.

Weekend Round-Up: Mark McGrath Just Wants to Sleep

Lindsay Lohan Tells Her Mom to Go to Hell

If you can believe it, all is not well in the Lohan household.

On Thursday night, La Lohan met up with her mother, Dina, at an NYC restaurant to celebrate her mom’s birthday. By the time Lindsay arrived, Dina and four friends were already pretty smashed, and by the end of the first course, Lindsay and Dina were cussing at one another. Lindsay told her mother to “go to hell” and left the restaurant for the Calvin Klein party at 7 World Trade Center, and later closed down B8.

Her mother stayed at the restaurant, crying and text-messaging furiously for the next 45 minutes, and apparently made five trips to the bathroom, coming back sniffling each time. Sound like anyone you know? The waiters had to help her out of the restaurant four hours later, after she’d paid the $2000 bill without tipping.

Poor Lindsay Lohan. On the surface, it must seem really fun to have a mother who’s every bit as much of an alcoholic and cokehead as yourself, but deeper down I can see how it might feel dysfunctional, unstable and petrifying.

Another Famous Old Person Has a Lindsay Lohan Opinion

I wish people would leave this sort of work where it belongs, with the bloggers.

Jane Fonda, who is famous, as best I can recall, for workout tapes referenced by Sir Mix-a-Lot and doing something that upset some people during the Vietnam war (I was never much for history), has apparently turned recently to acting, costarring opposite La Lohan in the defining deep-South-blow-job film of our generation, Georgia Rule.

Access Hollywood, dutifully doing their part to stir up the buzz surrounding the film, asked Fonda what it was like working with Lindsay Lohan, and asked for her reaction to a studio exec’s accidentally public blasting of her behavior on the set.

“I think every once in a while, a very, very young person who is burning both ends of the candle needs to have somebody say, `You know, you’re going to pay the piper, you better slow down.’ So I think it was good,” she says. “She parties all the time…and you know, she’s young and she can get away with it. But, you know, it’s hard after a while to party very hard and work very hard. She learned that, I hope.”

Fonda also had some nice things to say. “I just want to take her in my arms and hold her until she becomes grown-up. She’s so young and she’s so alone out there in the world in terms of structure and, you know, people to nurture her. And she’s so talented.”

Odds and Ends: And Just When You Were Jonesing for a Dana Plato Update

Because if I can’t blog about the retarded shit celebs did today, the terrorists have already won.

  • David Spade and Heather Locklear are dunzo; her latest boy-toy is a Colorado realtor with a striking resemblance to Joe Simpson. But I adore her, so I’m setting down my bat and walking away from the soft ball.
  • Sean “Puff Daddy/P. Diddy/Diddy” Combs has to ditch the “Diddy” in Britain after a music producer there sues him over the name.
  • Dana Plato’s son files a wrongful death suit againt the Diff’rent Strokes star’s former fiance. Time to update that True Hollywood Story, E!
  • Black Eyed Peas singer Stacy “Fergie” Ferguson reluctantly admits to being on meth and Kids Incorporated. I’m pretty sure I know which one is more damaging to her image.
  • For those of you who were staying up nights wondering, Lindsay Lohan’s stolen-and-returned Birkin bag had nothing missing. Except, you know, probably the drugs.

"It’s Like, Yeah, Motherfucker, My Bag’s Fine"

Ugh. I am, like, soooo late on the draw with this one. So a recap.

Lindsay Lohan’s Birkin was stolen at Heathrow airport, which was, like, recently the target of some manner of foiled terrorist plot, so it’s nice to see they’ve really driven security into high gear over there. Lindsay cried because if there’s anything that sucks worse than losing a Hermes bag containing over $1M in jewelry and your asthma inhaler, it’s losing a Hermes bag containing over $1M in jewelry and the rest of your cocaine. You’d cry, too.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Don’t panic yet, folks; the bag was recently found in a parking lot near Heathrow, after whoever stole it realized that it’s a lot harder to sell jewelry and a handbag on the black market when everyone in the nearest 19 countries knows you stole them from Lindsay Lohan this morning. But you know what tastes the same in every language? Yeah. Don’t count on getting that “inhaler” back, Linds.