Remember that day back in ninth grade when all the guys came over to your garage to kick-start that jam band that was gonna be huge at Battle of the Bands this year, and you were very impressively demonstrating the three power chords your big sister’s boyfriend taught you last week when your mom walked in with a plate of her sugar cookies with the cutesy icing smiley faces and exotic icing hairdos and announced that she’d made your very favorite! To share with everyone! Remember how humiliating that was?
Now imagine that you’re a 20-year-old international superstar with an (alleged) drug problem and well-known work-ethic problem, and your incarcerated, alcoholic, shoe-assault-y father has drawn a motherfucking cartoon about your estrangement from him and sent it to Lloyd Grove at the NY Daily News, who ran it immediately, and just when you think things can’t get any worse, it turns out your nutcase of an absentee father thinks you still wear Uggs.
Because that’s how Lindsay Lohan feels today. So call your folks right now and tell ‘em you love ‘em, okay?
…and TMZ has it on tape. Actually, the Jackass star invited the paparazzi up to his apartment, where he was getting stinking drunk with his grossly anorexic and probably-not-gonna-make-it-as-an-actress-if-her-utter-inability-to-be-natural-on-camera-is-any-indication girlfriend. He then tells the camera man that he and Nicole Richie’s relationship was entirely a PR stunt, blasts Brandon Davis for being an overall fuckwit (props for that), calls Paris Hilton a “self-made millionaire,” and makes the (actually pretty dead-on) point that Lindsay Lohan and Eminem have similarly inspiring rags-to-riches stories. He mentions repeatedly that all he’s ever wanted in life is to be hounded by the paparazzi. Somewhere in there he appeals to Nicole to call him, as he’s lost her number and email address and would like to be friends again. His disturbingly anorexic girlfriend gropes him the whole time. “Whatever comes out of my mouth,” he tells the photogs, “run it.”
It’s like watching a trainwreck. A beautiful, glorious, drunken trainwreck.
There’s more where that came from. Note that the other woman present is her mother.
It’s a slow news day. The things you might care about, before the week ends:
- Lou Diamond Phillips arrested for some good old-fashioned wife-beating. People epithets him as “Law & Order: SVU actor.” It’s as if Stand and Deliver never even happened…so sad…
- Fuck. Yes. Screech — who the mainstream media begrudgingly continues to refer to as “Dustin Diamond” — says he fought with a woman who entered his Omaha hotel room to steal video games while he was touring with a — wait for it, just wait — adults-only comedy show. The woman denies the charges. The news here, of course, is that we are somehow still writing pieces about Dustin Diamond.
- La Lohan finally has a stalker. According to several different reports, the stalker has done the following things: sent Lindsay flowers at her place of occasional work, and sent letters asking to meet her, providing his full name and phone number. This is fucking creepy, you guys.
- Patrick Swayze tragically reminds us he exists, valiantly comes to the rescue of his good buddy Mel Gibson by forcing us all to note that if there’s anything more retarded than driving a car drunk, it is, undoubtedly, flying a Cessna drunk.
- Lark Voorhees got a parking ticket today.
- I mean, she didn’t, of course, but it would totally not be news if she did. So why are we still writing pieces about Dustin Diamond?