- Photogs catch Harry Morton purchasing an engagement ring at Cartier. Could a proposal be in the works for his very own Pink Taco, La Lohan? Probably not, but it’s late August and the VMAs haven’t started yet, so let’s just speculate for awhile.
- Paris Hilton has managed, in a mere 24 hours, to be linked romantically with both Lance Armstrong and Travis Barker. What an unpredictable little whorecake she is.
- John Mayer denies the Jessica Simpson romance with his own patented brand of brood and angst.
- Okay, okay, okay. John Travolta just might be gay. Act surprised. Thanks to Dave at Maassive for the push.
- “Jump the couch.” A defining moment when you know someone has gone off the deep end. Know it. Love it. Say it.
- I haven’t posted about Donald Faison and Cacee Cobb in at least two days. So you’ll all be relieved to know that they showed up together to TV Guide’s Post-Emmy bash at Social Hollywood. I think it’s time to stop speculating and start coping. They’re a couple.
- Gwen Stefani is boycotting the VMAs because she tries really hard to sing good and dance sexy but she just really feels like they’re being nicer to Kelly Clarkson and sometimes she feels picked on like they just really don’t care if they hurt her feelings and it’s just not faaaaiiiir.
- Yes, okay, here’s the Beyonce nip slip. Are you happy? Now leave me to wallow in the sad, Beyonce-nip-slip-posting life I’ve created for myself. I wanted to write literary fiction once, you know.
- La Lohan’s pop would like the opportunity to expound on his prison art.
- Recently divorced Hilary Swank is dating her not-quite-yet-divorced agent at CAA. Will she never get involved with someone famous?
- JT and Cameron in splitsville? Perez Hilton thinks mayhaps.
- I am not writing about or linking to anything regarding Suri Cruise’s fecal matter, be it bronzed or otherwise. I’m just not. Sorry to disappoint.
- That girl with two vaginas? She has a blog now.
- 24-year-old fashion assistant Bridget Grish gets fired from Life & Style after her amateur porn videos show up on the web. There’s a lesson in there somewhere, I’m sure of it.
- Harry Morton — La Lohan’s latest squeeze — wants to lend his Mexican-cum-vagina-themed restaurant’s name, Pink Taco, to the Arizona Cardinals new stadium. There’s an Arizona-Cardinals-are-pussies joke to be made here, but after writing the previous sentence, I’m in no mood to think it up.
- No one wants to see the AmIdol tour. Which is surprising only when you consider that the So You Think You Can Dance tour is selling out most cities in minutes. Maybe next season they should divide the performers up by race.
- If you liked Mean Girls, you’ll love Heathers 2.
- When William H. Macy goes on the record with how much you suck, Lindsay Lohan, you must totally suck.
- Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have been lurking around the Yahoo/HBO complex in Santa Monica. They must have found a sitter for their little Suri. And by “sitter” I of course mean “fake sitter,” and by “Suri” I of course mean “PR stunt.”
- Since he can’t marry Kate Moss just yet, Pete Doherty is passing the time by sneaking cocaine to teenagers in rehab.
Remember that day back in ninth grade when all the guys came over to your garage to kick-start that jam band that was gonna be huge at Battle of the Bands this year, and you were very impressively demonstrating the three power chords your big sister’s boyfriend taught you last week when your mom walked in with a plate of her sugar cookies with the cutesy icing smiley faces and exotic icing hairdos and announced that she’d made your very favorite! To share with everyone! Remember how humiliating that was?
Now imagine that you’re a 20-year-old international superstar with an (alleged) drug problem and well-known work-ethic problem, and your incarcerated, alcoholic, shoe-assault-y father has drawn a motherfucking cartoon about your estrangement from him and sent it to Lloyd Grove at the NY Daily News, who ran it immediately, and just when you think things can’t get any worse, it turns out your nutcase of an absentee father thinks you still wear Uggs.
Because that’s how Lindsay Lohan feels today. So call your folks right now and tell ‘em you love ‘em, okay?
…and TMZ has it on tape. Actually, the Jackass star invited the paparazzi up to his apartment, where he was getting stinking drunk with his grossly anorexic and probably-not-gonna-make-it-as-an-actress-if-her-utter-inability-to-be-natural-on-camera-is-any-indication girlfriend. He then tells the camera man that he and Nicole Richie’s relationship was entirely a PR stunt, blasts Brandon Davis for being an overall fuckwit (props for that), calls Paris Hilton a “self-made millionaire,” and makes the (actually pretty dead-on) point that Lindsay Lohan and Eminem have similarly inspiring rags-to-riches stories. He mentions repeatedly that all he’s ever wanted in life is to be hounded by the paparazzi. Somewhere in there he appeals to Nicole to call him, as he’s lost her number and email address and would like to be friends again. His disturbingly anorexic girlfriend gropes him the whole time. “Whatever comes out of my mouth,” he tells the photogs, “run it.”
It’s like watching a trainwreck. A beautiful, glorious, drunken trainwreck.
There’s more where that came from. Note that the other woman present is her mother.