Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Lindsay Lohan

Picking Up the Pieces: Pure Speculation in the Absence of Actual News Edition

Odds and Ends: Nope, Still Nothing Here about Suri Cruise’s Poop

  • I haven’t posted about Donald Faison and Cacee Cobb in at least two days. So you’ll all be relieved to know that they showed up together to TV Guide’s Post-Emmy bash at Social Hollywood. I think it’s time to stop speculating and start coping. They’re a couple.
  • Gwen Stefani is boycotting the VMAs because she tries really hard to sing good and dance sexy but she just really feels like they’re being nicer to Kelly Clarkson and sometimes she feels picked on like they just really don’t care if they hurt her feelings and it’s just not faaaaiiiir.
  • Yes, okay, here’s the Beyonce nip slip. Are you happy? Now leave me to wallow in the sad, Beyonce-nip-slip-posting life I’ve created for myself. I wanted to write literary fiction once, you know.

More Odds & Ends: Vaginas Everywhere!

Picking Up the Pieces

Deep Thoughts by Michael Lohan

Remember that day back in ninth grade when all the guys came over to your garage to kick-start that jam band that was gonna be huge at Battle of the Bands this year, and you were very impressively demonstrating the three power chords your big sister’s boyfriend taught you last week when your mom walked in with a plate of her sugar cookies with the cutesy icing smiley faces and exotic icing hairdos and announced that she’d made your very favorite! To share with everyone! Remember how humiliating that was?

Okay.

Now imagine that you’re a 20-year-old international superstar with an (alleged) drug problem and well-known work-ethic problem, and your incarcerated, alcoholic, shoe-assault-y father has drawn a motherfucking cartoon about your estrangement from him and sent it to Lloyd Grove at the NY Daily News, who ran it immediately, and just when you think things can’t get any worse, it turns out your nutcase of an absentee father thinks you still wear Uggs.

Because that’s how Lindsay Lohan feels today. So call your folks right now and tell ‘em you love ‘em, okay?

Breaking: Steve-O Drunk, Saying Dumb Things…

…and TMZ has it on tape. Actually, the Jackass star invited the paparazzi up to his apartment, where he was getting stinking drunk with his grossly anorexic and probably-not-gonna-make-it-as-an-actress-if-her-utter-inability-to-be-natural-on-camera-is-any-indication girlfriend. He then tells the camera man that he and Nicole Richie’s relationship was entirely a PR stunt, blasts Brandon Davis for being an overall fuckwit (props for that), calls Paris Hilton a “self-made millionaire,” and makes the (actually pretty dead-on) point that Lindsay Lohan and Eminem have similarly inspiring rags-to-riches stories. He mentions repeatedly that all he’s ever wanted in life is to be hounded by the paparazzi. Somewhere in there he appeals to Nicole to call him, as he’s lost her number and email address and would like to be friends again. His disturbingly anorexic girlfriend gropes him the whole time. “Whatever comes out of my mouth,” he tells the photogs, “run it.”

It’s like watching a trainwreck. A beautiful, glorious, drunken trainwreck.