In today’s episode of the Anna Nicole is Functionally Retarded Show, we learn that Anna previously tried to convince a wealthy paramour, G. Ben Thompson, that he was the father of her newborn girl. The only hitch in the plan? Thompson had a vasectomy years earlier. Has anybody explained to this woman that there are magical science machines that can determine definitively who a child’s father is? [Fametastic]

Isaiah Washington was supposed to appear on Ellen Wednesday to clear up the allegations that he’s a violent, homophobic jackass, but he canceled at the last minute, citing a change in production schedule. Grey’s less controversial star Katherine Heigl was sent in to diffuse the situation instead. [Seriously? OMG! WTF?]

Not to be outdone by TMZ’s scoop on his birth certificate, X17′s crew hid in the bushes outside the Spears-Federline household for an unspecified amount of time, and now they have video of Jayden James Federline. [CelebSlam]

Entourage creator Doug Ellin has a similarly styled show about Wall Street types in the works. Because i-bankers really are like the movie stars of the east coast, just a little more self-centered and detached from reality. [BankersBall]

Not only has Lindsay Lohan heard of Dick Van Dyke, she also doesn’t think he did a very good job with that whole Mary Poppins project. [Hollywood Gossip Whores]

Pay attention, because I will probably never write these words again, but Paris Hilton actually looks really good in French Vogue. [Teddy and Moo]

Lest you think I have any shame, here are pictures of Jake Gyllenhaal’s man loaf. Don’t worry, he’s wearing pants. He just should have also worn underwear. [A Socialite's Life]

Ever want to know more about the music you hear on television and movies? Drake Lelane’s blog covers the soundtrack of your life (because, if you’re like me, television and movies are your life). Check out what you heard on last week’s Grey’s Anatomy. [thus spake drake]