Apparently Madonna isn’t adopting an African child so much as she’s kinda stealing one. Rule-bending in exchange for cash? In Malawi? [I'm Bringing Blogging Back]
Lindsay Lohan and Keira Knightley are going to hook up. On camera. I’m serious this time. [Pop on the Pop]
And the first interview with Michael Jackson since he left the U.S. in June 2005 goes to…Billy Bush? [Access Hollywood]
After her riveting turn making a whore of Christian Troy (like that’s hard) on Nip/Tuck, Rosie O’Donnell may get her own spin-off. [NY Post]
Today in cost-cutting: Moviefone conducts its Ashton Kutcher interview via IM. [Moviefone]
PR folks everywhere continue to realize that banning Paris Hilton from your event is a surefire way to score some publicity. I’m still totally okay with that, Esquire Show House in Los Angeles. [Hollyscoop]
ScoJo signs a deal to record her first album. The working title is Scarlett Sings Tom Waits, but they’re thinking of changing it to Hipster Masturbation 3000. [Junkiness]
- This week’s Lindsay Lohan crotch shot. I’m pretty sure she’s not wearing underwear, but at least she remembered to wear cheesy black nylons.
- There’s no specific item to link to here, but if you’re not reading The Gilded Moose at least once a week, you’re not really living. I can’t stress this point enough.
Update: I just rewatched that Nicky Hilton interview, and I’ve decided people are being too hard on her for it. She carries herself extremely well and with a great deal of class. Her composure and refusal to tag along with Letterman on his dirt-fishing expedition don’t make her boring, just a more tolerable human being than her sister. We hate Paris for being unnecessarily obnoxious and stirring up drama in front of a national audience, and now we’re going to diss Nicky for doing the exact opposite? I may lose my official gossip blogger card for this, but I call bullshit. No, she’s not particularly funny (at least not on purpose), but she’s never claimed to be. You’re alright in my book tonight, Nicky.
Albert Einstein once said “Do not worry about your difficulties in math. I assure you that mine are still greater.”
This isn’t a great parallel, but the quote came to mind. Because however nauseatingly sick you are of every other post on this blog being about what Lindsay Lohan is doing today, I assure you that I am way, way fucking sicker of having to write about it. The jokes run thin real quick, and they weren’t that good to begin with. I’m tired of thinking up new ways to be mean to her. The joy is gone. I don’t hate her, I don’t want her to die or contract E. coli from spinach or continue her pathetic estrangement from her shoe-assaulty father; I’d genuinely like it if she checked into rehab and found a suitable treatment program for her problems with cocaine and alcohol, got into a stable relationship, tied all future Birkin bags to her wrist with rope, and got on with her acting career and life.
Until then, though, we’ve instituted the Lohan Tracker here at Evil Beet. You’ll find it on the upper-right side of this blog, and it’ll be updated regularly so that you, the concerned public, can be informed as to Miss Lohan’s whereabouts and goings-on, and I don’t have to write more than a few words about it daily.
Some very critical stories have broken in the past hour. Normally I like to take little breaks from blogging during the day to, you know, do stuff at the job I have that pays me in cash (rather than critical acclaim) and covers my health plan, but there is simply no time
for that today.
- Lindsay Lohan was seen sucking face with Stavros Niarchos last night at Dragonfly. In case you’d forgotten about him already, Stavros is the Greek shipping heir who was at one point engaged to none other than Paris Hilton.
- Laguna Beach’s Jason Wahler was arrested — again — on Friday, for battery, after an altercation with a Department of Transportation officer and a tow truck driver. I have created an Evil Beet Hypothetical Transcript of said arrest:
JASON: (sniff) Hey, Mr. Tow Truck Driver, what are you (sniff) doing? (sniff)
TOW TRUCK DRIVER: I am towing your automobile because you did something illegal with it.
JASON: No you’re not, asshole. You have no right!
TTD: Actually, I do.
JASON: Like hell you do. I think we ought to (sniff) get an officer from the Department of Transportation involved in this little snafu. He is certain to see it from my point of view. (sniff sniff, shiver)
TTD: Okay, I’ll summon one.
[both smoke cigarettes]DEPARTMENT OF TRANSPORTATION OFFICER: I was summoned?
JASON: Yeah, um, (sniff) this tow truck driver believes he has the right to tow my automobile.
DOTO: As a matter of fact, son, he does.
JASON: Don’t you (sniff) know who I am?
JASON: (punches both men in the face)
Update: I’m so silly. Hilton dated Niarchos, but she was never engaged to him. She was engaged to an entirely different Greek shipping heir, Paris Latsis. Seriously, if I can’t keep things like this straight, what right do I even have to live?