Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Lindsay Lohan

“Listening to Lindsay Lohan Say She’s Sober? Priceless.”

Listening to Lindsay Lohan Say She’s Sober? Priceless.

The folks at Elle had the good sense to schedule an interview with La Lohan just 36 hours before her (first) DUI over Memorial Day Weekend.

“I was glad I went [to rehab],” she says, “because I needed to get away from everyone and I didn’t know how to do that. And I learned a lot there. A bunch of my friends — I was with them last night — they’re in AA for, like, years.”

But this is absolutely my favorite part:

In the Elle interview, Lohan asks her assistant Jenni Munro if she can put “the Mercer story” on the record.

Munro then relates the incident, saying Lohan lied about her sobriety during an interview at Manhattan’s Mercer Hotel. It was unclear when that interview took place.

“I started laughing,” Munro is quoted as saying. “And she says, `Why are you laughing?’ And it’s because I had just texted our friends this very thing: `A cab to the Mercer, 20 dollars; a room at the Mercer, 500 dollars; listening to Lindsay Lohan say she’s sober? Priceless.’”

I don’t get this. First off, why would she be asking her assistant’s permission to tell this story on the record? Secondly, why would she want to tell this story? Do you need it to be absolutely, positively clear in the public’s eye that you have a substance abuse problem, Lindsay? Because we’re eons ahead of you there, kid. I think you’re the one who needs to get some clarity on that.

Guess What? Lindsay Lohan’s a Bitch!

Lindsay Lohan is Addicted to Sex

I know, I know. It’s shocking.

But with LiLo in hiding, we’re forced to dig deep for gossip on the starlet.

National Enquirer, in their usual fall-back plan, got a bunch of Lindsay’s “friends” to talk shit about her in exchange for a paycheck. And what do we learn from them? Lindsay, it turns out, is kind of a bitch, especially when she’s drinking.

After throwing back a few cold ones, Lindsay was known to exclaim: “I’m the greatest actress in the world! No one’s even close to me right now!” And what did she have to say about her competition? Nothing nice at all. Here’s what she thinks about the other girls in Hollywood:

Scarlett Johansson is “ugly, fat, and has no talent.”

Jessica Simpson “can’t sing and is as dumb as shit.”

Sienna Miller is a “no-talent crackhead.”

Keira Knightly is a “flat, shallow, cardboard cutout of an actress.”

Jessica Biel is a “phony, scheming joke of an actress.”

Her “friend” also says the actress is “addicted to sex.” According to this firiend:

I don’t think lindsay can sleep alone – absolutely refuses even to try- so she’ll drive around looking for some guy to be with. One late night she drove up to Adam Levine’s house and text-messaged him from her car, asking to be invited in. But he refused her, and she was furious. Another night she did the same thing to actor Ryan Phillippe. He wouldn’t open the door for her either. She’s so afraid to be alone that she picks up strangers at clubs or on the street, just because they’re good-looking. One night at the nightclub Les Deux, some guy I’d never seen before joined us. When I asked who he was, she said: ‘Oh, he’s the cashier at the liquor store I went to the other night. Isn’t he hot?’ If she can’t find someone to spend the night with, she stays up until daylight – then takes some Xanax or Ambien to get some sleep.

Lindsay Lohan Thought to Have Her Latest Bodyguard Sign an NDA

Lindsay Lohan Bodyguard Jazman Bennett

From Page Six:

Lindsay Lohan may have one loyal person on her payroll after all – her bodyguard, Jaz. A source tells The Post’s Marianne Garvey that the troubled starlet’s ever-present guard and driver, Jazman Bennett, has been fielding offers of up to $500,000 from magazines and news outlets in the U.S. and London, but has turned down every one. He’s known for being loyal and protective – unlike Lohan’s former bodyguard, Lee Weaver, who sold her out to News of the World, saying he “lost count of the times I thought she was overdosing.”

Loyal and protective? I think it’s more likely that Lindsay learned her lesson and made this guy sign a contract ensuring he would not sell his story to the press. She can probably sue him for way more than $500K if he talks.

Things Keep Looking Worse for Lindsay

I don’t think Lindsay Lohan could have crafted a more thorough destruction of her reputation and career even if she’d consulted with Michael Richards beforehand.

Remember the two other passengers in Lindsay’s car during the chase? TMZ sat them down for an interview, and they had quite a story to tell.

Apparently the evening began at a party in Malibu, where Lindsay was never without a drink, and was doing shots with people and generally getting retarded. Then her assistant, Tarin Graham, began fighting with her boyfriend, Dan Regan, outside the party. Lindsay went outside and screamed at her to shut up, at which point the assistant quit and got in her car to drive away. Three of Dan Regan’s friends were in their white GMC Denali outside the party. Lindsay reached in through the window, grabbed the keys and commandeered the vehicle.

Love it so far? Keep reading.

So all three people in the car are immediately concerned that Linday’s going to kill them in this vehicle. One of them jumps out of the car, Lindsay runs over his foot, and keeps driving. She chases Tarin south down PCH at 100 mph — including making several U-turns as Tarin tries to lose them — and into Santa Monica, at which point she loses Tarin after running several red lights in the process. Lindsay assumes that they’re headed toward Tarin’s mother’s house, and she arrives there just as Tarin’s mother was pulling into the driveway. The mother — who probably wasn’t up on the backstory here and didn’t know that it was Lindsay behind the wheel — freaked out and pulled out of the driveway and headed to the police station. The other two passengers warned Lindsay that’s where she was headed, but Linds responded with “I’m a celebrity. I’m not going to get in trouble.”

The cars stopped near the police station, and police vehicles pulled up. When Lindsay was asked for her side of the story, she responded that “I wasn’t driving. The black kid was driving.” Cute, Lindsay.

When taking her field sobriety test, Lindsay nearly fell over.

Hooray for the Lindsay Lohan 911 Tape!

Lindsay Lohan 911 Call Tape

I was sitting at dinner with friends on Tuesday night, after a day of Lohan insanity, and we were talking about where this story was headed. “Well, there’s a 911 tape out there somewhere,” I told them, “and it’s only a matter of time before it’s on the Internet.”

And here it is.

Click here to listen. The tape is of the mother of Lohan’s assistant, Tarin Graham, telling police that a white GMC is following her.

Is it just me, you guys, or are 911 operators always dicks? The caller here is trying to give the guy the information, but the guy keeps cutting her off, like, “Ma’am, I need you to answer my questions.” But how the fuck is she supposed to answer his questions when he keeps cutting her off to yell at her for not answering the questions? I always seem to have this problem with emergency services — the people responsible for helping you out are so busy being important and demanding that they’re no help at all, and often it feels like they worsen the situation. Maybe they’re just trying to keep the situation calm by being forceful, but it seems like having the 911 guy yell at her is just making this woman more hysterical.

Lindsay’s Side of the Story

A Lohan family friend, Gina Glockman, recently gave this account of events to Entertainment Tonight:

Lindsay was having a get-together at her home. Several people say she wasn’t drinking, that she didn’t even have a drink, but at a certain point in the night, apparently, she fell off the wagon and did start drinking.

When assistant TARIN GRAHAM walked into the house and looked disheveled with teary red eyes, Lindsay was concerned that something happened to her.

There was some sort of altercation. Tarin either quit or Lindsay fired her. Tarin left and Lindsay followed her.

There were definitely two people in the car with Lindsay that night.

Tarin’s mother apparently made a police call because she was afraid someone was chasing her.

Right now, we don’t know who may have been chasing her. It could have been paparazzi.

When the cops arrived, there were so many people in the parking lot that they automatically zoomed in on Lindsay. Apparently the altercation took place at about 1:30 a.m.

Lindsay was strong-armed into taking a breathalyzer test. They say the cocaine was not Lindsay’s; she was wearing someone else’s pants.

Dina got a call from Lindsay at about 5 a.m. and she was talking so fast Dina couldn’t even understand what she was saying … she was just like, ‘Mommy, mommy, mommy,’ and very upset in the conversation.

For the past two years, Dina’s been trying to get Lindsay to leave L.A. and come to N.Y. so she can be with all of her children.

Obviously she’s been going through a tough time and it would be best for her to come to N.Y., to be with her family right now, take some time off, get into a rehab center and bascially give herself a chance to be healthy right now.

They say her life is at risk. Lindsay suffers an addiction. It’s not about Lindsay’s career right now. It’s about saving her life.

Dina and Lindsay have been talking every hour. They’re texting constantly, they’re on the phone.

Not only does Dina have to deal with Lindsay’s crisis right now, but she also has to appear in court this Friday and Monday because she’s in a custody battle for all four of her children.

Lindsay could be traveling from L.A. to N.Y. right now to possibly be admitted into rehab.

On a programming note, I’m at home visiting my family right now, so posting may be slower than usual. And, with any luck, we’ll get some very special posts from my mom and sister before the week is over, which should be funny because neither of them knows or cares about celebrities. My sister the oceanographer wants to know if she can blog about phytoplankton. I told her that as long as it ties into Lindsay Lohan, she sure can. So we’ll see how that goes.