Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan Got A Job!

lindsay lohan

Going to rehab was the best career move Lindsay Lohan could make, even if it was court ordered and not her choice. Since she’s been in rehab she’s landed more gigs than when she was actively seeking work. Oprah is giving her $2 million for a reality show and an interview. And now, Lohan is set to guest host Chelsea Handler‘s Chelsea Lately. From Deadline:

E! Entertainment announced today that Lohan will take over as guest host for Chelsea Handler on Chelsea Lately on August 5. No word on who will be joining Lohan on the late -comedy talk show’s roundtable or who she’ll be interviewing, but E! claims it will be an “all-star event.”

I’m sure Lohan will make time to promote her film during her hosting gig. And by “all-star event” I’m guessing they mean James Deen and maybe Charlie Sheen. She gets out of rehab tomorrow (my, how time flies!) so hopefully they’ll figure it out by then.

Who keeps giving her chances? How is this happening? Do you think she deserves these opportunities?

Behold: The Only Positive Review For Lindsay Lohan’s New Movie

lindsay lohan the canyons

Lindsay Lohan‘s newest beautiful disaster of a film, The Canyons, is finally out. It is not getting good reviews, so far. And let’s be real, the slew of bad reviews will likely continue. But there is one positive review for…sort of. It’s from Variety. Film critic Scott Foundas compliments director Paul Schrader. As for Lohan, he described her performance as,

like Marlon Brando’s in “Last Tango in Paris,” [it] comes across as some uncanny conflagration of drama and autobiography. Lohan may not go as deep or as far as Brando, but with her puffy skin, gaudy hoop earrings and thick eye makeup, there’s a little-girl-lost quality to the onetime Disney teen princess that’s very affecting. Whenever she’s onscreen, she projects a sense of just barely holding on to that precarious slide area in the shadow of the Hollywood sign.

I guess there’s a good word in there? Lohan and her puffy face praised the review on twitter, tweeting from rehab,

“Wow…humbled and feeling so much gratitude …” – #teamlohan

Alright, “Team Lohan.” Don’t stop believing.

lindsay lohan the canyons

Let’s Pray This One Isn’t True: Lindsay Lohan Looking For Sperm Donors

lindsay lohan red hair botox

Lindsay Lohan just got a pretty sweet $2 million dollar deal from Oprah so maybe she’s riding high on that and isn’t thinking clearly, because she’s (allegedly) looking for sperm donors because she wants a baby — like, now. Apparently she thinks having a baby will force her to turn her life around. NEVER HAVE CHILDREN FOR THIS REASON. BABIES SHOULD NOT BE BORN INTO THE WORLD WITH JOBS TO DO. YOU GOTTA FIGURE YOUR OWN SHIT OUT BEFORE YOU HAVE KIDS. THEY DON’T NEED YOUR SHIT.

From National Enquirer:

“Lindsay’s approached several male friends and asked them to be sperm donors,” said My Lohan Spy.

“She thinks having a baby will keep her on the straight and narrow! She has it in her head that she’s totally clean, and wants a baby because she feels it’s the one thing that would keep her grounded. She’s talked about having a baby before, which we all thought was ridiculous, and we still can’t believe she’s thinking about it now – but she’s actively trying to recruit sperm-daddies!

“One guy Lindsay contacted told her, ‘You’re joking, right?’ When she told him she wasn’t, he turned her down flat, saying, ‘You’re still in rehab! Why don’t you wait and see if you can take care of yourself before you think about bringing a kid into the world.’”

A+ response from that guy. Who wants to bet it was one of her former assistants or James Deen? Who else would it be, she doesn’t really have any friends anymore. Oh God, or Charlie Sheen.

Oprah Thinks Lindsay Lohan Is Worth $2 Million

oprah harvard

Oprah and her boring/guilty pleasure network, OWN, signed Lindsay Lohan for her own reality show (or “docuseries” to use their word) and an exclusive interview to air in 2014. According to The Daily News, Lohan didn’t exactly jump at the chance to work with Oprah — unless the money was good. Negotiations took “4 months” and ended with, “A deal that may have netted the “Mean Girls” actress $2 million.” Oh come on, now. COME ON.

kanye wtf reaction gif

For $1,495,000 you can buy this lovely 3 bedroom home in Beverly Hills(ish). And with the money left over, you can buy a 2013 R8 Spyder Audi convertible. Throw Gaby Hoffmann some of that cash!

Be honest: are you going to watch? Love that one of our readers pointed out that 2014 is a long time from now in Lindsay time, so who knows what could happen by then. She might wind up in jail.

Oh and who wants to bet that Dina Lohan went on Dr. Phil for $300 and a bottle of Smirnoff?

The Worst Idea Ever: Oprah Gives Lindsay A Reality Show

lindsay lohan canyons trailer

Oprah gives everyone reality TV shows nowadays, from Ryan and Tatum O’Neal (entertaining as f-ck by the way) to LaToya Jackson. But the worst is yet to come. Oprah is producing a “docuseries” (read: reality TV show but we’ll be damned if we call it that) with Lindsay Lohan that, “will follow the actress as she works to rebuild her career and stay healthy” (ET Online).

Are you kidding me?

oprah head shaking gif

We’re big fans of the Oprah head-shaking GIF here at Evil Beet, but I don’t think we’ve ever used it in a story about Oprah. The universe has come full circle.

Do I even need to explain why “following the actress as she works to rebuild her career and stay healthy” is a terrible idea? We all get why it’s a terrible idea, right? The VERY LAST THING Ms. Lohan needs is to be FOLLOWED BY CAMERAS. Especially while she’s trying to recover and get her life back on track. I thought she realized this? Ha, kidding, I knew that wouldn’t last.

The series will begin in 2014 and is scheduled for an 8 episode run, in addition to a sit down interview with Oprah. It will all air on OWN, which means it will be seen by a staggering dozens of people.

Lindsay Lohan’s ‘The Canyons’ Has a Trailer And It’s Awful

Who here is excited to see Lindsay Lohan and James Deen‘s cinematic masterpiece, The Canyons? Come on, don’t be shy, raise those hands! No one? Huh. Odd.

This is apparently a revenge thriller and shout out to IFC Films for a) taking this piece of shit on and b) doing their damndest to make it seem ~artistic~ despite its lead stars being a porn actor and a drug-addled mess. They’ve done such a good job into hoodwinking people into thinking this could actually be the case that they’re having the premiere at Lincoln Center! The world is a funny place.

What do you think of the trailer? Will you see this mess?

WHAT? Lohan’s Trashy “The Canyons” To Premiere At The Esteemed Lincoln Center

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Lindsay Lohan and James Deen‘s much talked about The Canyons is finally going to premiere. And the world premiere for this trashy automatic B movie will be at the esteemed Lincoln Center, Manhattan. Here are some things that are held at Lincoln Center:

– New York City Ballet
– The Metropolitan Opera
– The New York Philharmonic Orchestra

And now we can add The Canyons, premiering July 29. I really want to go, lord help me. But there will be other opportunities for me to see this masterpiece. From Newsday:

IFC Films will release “The Canyons” theatrically Aug. 2 in Toronto and at the IFC Center in Greenwich Village, expanding to Los Angeles and other cites the following week. It will also be available on video-on-demand on Aug. 2.

We’re all gonna be okay.