12Lindsay Lohan Needs an Academy Award Now

Those lips. Those extensions. Those grubby little dwarf hands. It can’t possibly get any better than this (no, I’m serious—have you even watched this clip? Because it’s probably as good as it gets, which is why it’s being released right now, guys).

I mean, honestly. What kind of face even is this?:

I can tell you what it’s supposed to be, having a little bit of a theater background myself—it’s *supposed* to be a “Oh my God, I’m so relieved that I was able to catch this half-empty plastic water bottle before it clattered to the floor, thus waking up the scary dude that I just woke up next to,” and not “Holy f-ck, guys, I’ve got a JOB! I’ve got A JOB! I’ve got a JOB and I can BARELY keep the self-satisfied little smirk off my face even when I’m supposed to be ‘acting’!” It’s like she’s not even focused, but that’s hardly surprising, considering the fact that she’s so drug-addled by … Oh wait. No, my bad. Now that I think of it, it’s actually totally surprising, because I’ve heard that drugs like cocaine and Adderall are supposed to make you super-focused and intent on what you’re doing. So, OK. Surprises are here, I guess. Surprises for days.

Here. Here’s another still. She’s supposed to be “frightened” here, and possibly “threatened,” too. But this is the face you get:

This one here says, “Still excited! Still squeeing! Still mentally shopping for new teeth!”

Also. Who the hell jumps out of bed that angry? Who the hell jumps out of bed that angry? Come on. This whole project is just completely unbelievable, and if this James Deen character is as bad in porn as he is in film, then well. I know that I won’t be wasting my time Googling “James Deen penis” anytime soon.

January 16, 2013 at 11:30 am by Sarah

1Lindsay ALMOST Went to Jail Today

Lindsay’s lawyer is a saint. Wait, I mean her old lawyer, Shawn Chapman Holley, the one she fired for no good reason. The new one kind of sucks.

Here’s what happened: Lindsay had a court date this morning. The judge said that either Lindsay herself had to be there, or she could have a lawyer there on her behalf. But Lindsay isn’t even in California, and she just fired her Californian lawyer. Her new lawyer practices in New York, and he’d have to go through this whole procedure to be able to do anything in L.A. You see where the problem is? With no one in court in Lindsay’s corner, the judge issues a warrant for Lindsay’s arrest.

But Lindsay’s ok, because Shawn Chapman Holley is a nice person. Despite having been fired, she showed up to court to enter Lindsay’s plea of “not guilty.” She didn’t even have to do that. She could have just been like “oh, I don’t work for this bitch anymore,” and then dance a little jig out of the courtroom. But she didn’t. And Lindsay is one lucky lady.

Lindsay’s next court date is on the 30th, and this time she actually has to show up. Hopefully she still won’t have anything worked out and she’ll have to represent herself. Wouldn’t that be hilarious? What a wreck.

January 15, 2013 at 10:30 am by Emily

0Lindsay Fired Her Lawyer, Screwed Up A Plea Deal

Ok, so you know how for the past couple years, Lindsay Lohan has committed a lot of crimes? And you know how, even though she did all those crimes, she hasn’t really been in jail all that much? That’s largely thanks to her awesome lawyer, Shawn Chapman Holley. That lady has had a really rough time, but she’s always managed to help (???) Lindsay out in a major way. So Lindsay fired her. Natch.

What happened was Lindsay hired a lawyer in New York – a guy who was once suspended from practicing law for five years, by the way – and her new lawyer told her old lawyer that he could handle things from here. Great, great plans.

But here’s what really makes this all extra good: Lindsay’s old lawyer, the one who’s kept her out of jail all this time? She was just about to work her magic again:

Lindsay Lohan COULD have avoided almost certain jail time by accepting a plea deal for lockdown rehab — that is, if she didn’t fire her lawyer who was literally on the way to the courthouse to make it happen.

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ … the Santa Monica City Attorney — who is prosecuting Lindsay for allegedly lying to cops after her June car crash on Pacific Coast Highway — was willing keep Lindsay out of jail, PROVIDED she agree to check into “lockdown rehab” for 6 months.

Sources say … Shawn Holley — the lawyer who has kept Lindsay out of jail — was on her way to court Monday to meet with the prosecutor and the judge to hash out the deal.  What’s more, Lindsay also faces jail time for a probation violation in the jewelry heist case because she allegedly lied to cops after the crash.  We’re told the judge could have agreed to end both cases if Lindsay checked into rehab.

But Shawn never made it to court, because Lindsay signed her walking papers and hired a New York lawyer who was suspended in the ’90s from practicing law for 5 years.

Lindsay now says she wants Shawn back. The question — does Shawn have the stomach for another helping of Lindsay?

There’s a hearing scheduled for 8:30 AM PT today.  Shawn will probably show up because she’s still counsel of record.  If she stays on the case, prosecutors could present the deal to her, but Lindsay is making it all very difficult.

Everything sounds good, girl. Keep doing what you’re doing. You totally got this*.

*She doesn’t have this.

January 15, 2013 at 4:30 am by Emily

4Lindsay Lohan: Still A Groupie

I know, you were probably worried about it. Probably you’ve just been on pins and needles, waiting to hear about what’s going on with Lindsay and the object of her scary delusional desire, Max George of The Wanted. I bet you’ve basically been ripping your hair out, maybe even literally, wondering just what in the world is going on with that whole situation.

Let me ease your suffering, friends. Lindsay just met his parents:

Things are getting super serious between Lindsay Lohan and Wanted singer Max George –’cause TMZ has learned he just took her home to meet his parents in the U.K. … and we’re told it went off without a hitch.

Lindsay and Max have been (unofficially) seeing each other since that fateful night in November — when  she allegedly punched a fortune teller at an NYC nightclub — but this week, they took their relationship to the next level.

Lindsay’s been partying it up recently in London – as we reported — and sources close to the actress tell us, Max invited her out to his parents’ house in Manchester while she was in the area.

Lindsay happily made the visit early this week — and we’re told Lindsay had a great time, hanging out with the whole George clan for an entire day … and she felt very at home.

We’re told Lindsay and Max have been in constant contact since the last Wanted concert Lindsay attended last month (in the U.S.) — and Max was adamant about her meeting his family.

As of now, we’re told Lindsay and Max are NOT officially GF and BF — just friends who enjoy each other’s company … and probably bang each other a lot.

OH THANK GOD. I think this is going to be really, really good for Lindsay. You know, in the sense of … uh, like because it means that … screw it. This is bad, guys. This has bad written all over it.

January 14, 2013 at 3:30 pm by Emily

9Lindsay Lohan Was a Crying, Ranting, Drinking Menace on the ‘Canyons’ Set

From TMZ:

The man who wrote article is Stephen Rodrick — who says he was allowed to chronicle the project from start to finish.

According to Rodrick, Lohan was a mess who was initially fired after blowing off two days of filming. Rodrick says Lohan showed up to the director’s hotel room, pounded on the door while hysterically crying and begging for her job back.

Rodrick says Lohan stayed in the hallway sobbing for 90 minutes before finally leaving.

Eventually, she was hired back to the production — and things got worse … with Lohan constantly criticizing producers and her co-stars.

But the most concerning part, Rodrick says Lohan had been drinking before a scene in which she would be simulating a 4-way sex scene with some real-life porn actors.

After the scene, producers offered Lindsay a hired car to drive her home … but she refused … and drove off in her Porsche. Rodrick says producers “all hoped they would still have a lead actress in the morning.”

In the article, Rodrick says Lohan also freaked out before a sex scene in which she was supposed to get naked … and locked herself in a closet. Rodrick says the director had to beg her to do the scene … and eventually stripped naked himself to show her it was no big deal.

The gimmick worked — Lohan eventually dropped her robe and shot a 14-minute sex scene.

According to the report, Lindsay once partied with Lady Gaga until 5:30 AM … when she had a 6:00 AM call time. She eventually showed up to the set at 9 AM, but left soon after a doctor said she was too sick to film.

Surprising? Oh gosh, no. No, not at all, actually. I think that this is just basic Lindsay behavior, and we were only lucky enough to hear about it first-hand because Lindsay and the production team at ‘The Canyons’ had the bad sense to OK an ongoing documentary of what it’s like when you hire Lindsay Lohan for your movie.

What’s more, though, is that Lindsay herself claims that the allegations are all true—except for that pesky drinking and driving bit, because duh, Lindsay would never drink (because first of all, she doesn’t drink) and then go ahead and operate a vehicle, because driving is serious business, and it’s a privilege, and all sorts of bad things can happen when you get behind the wheel of a car intoxicated. No, Lindsay’s claiming to friends that, while the rest of the article from the New York Times was pretty much spot-on, the bit about drinking and driving was completely wrong, because she’d just never, and I quote, be “that stupid and irresponsible.” Got it.

You can read the full write-up at the New York Times, here, and I recommend it, because wow. Lindsay Lohan sure is a firecracker. … Or wait, is it firecrotch? I just don’t even know anymore.

January 11, 2013 at 4:30 am by Sarah

7Of Course Lindsay Lohan Tried to Steal Elizabeth Taylor’s Jewelry

From Radar:

Lindsay Lohan has been accused of stealing a bracelet that once belonged to Elizabeth Taylor from the screen legend’s longtime nurse, and RadarOnline.com has exclusively learned she planned to replace it with a fake, so she could keep the pricey bauble for herself!

“Lindsay had taken the bracelet that was owned by Taylor – and left to her long-time nurse after she died – without the nurse’s knowledge or permission, to a jeweler. Lindsay wanted the jeweler to reproduce a fake replica of the bracelet and she planned on giving that one back to the nurse,” a source close to the situation tells Radar.

“Lindsay planned on keeping the original and bragged to friends about her brilliant plan. However, the plan was thwarted when the nurse demanded that Lindsay return the treasured piece, or she was going to the cops. One of Lindsay’s minions returned the bracelet shortly thereafter.”

The Mean Girls starlet, 26, was accused of having sticky fingers yet again, after becoming friends with Taylor’s nurse before stealing the bracelet.

During the time the nurse was battling to get her bracelet back, the source says Lindsay sent her a text message that read: “Elizabeth would be very upset with how you are behaving.”

The nurse initially gave Lindsay the benefit of the doubt, thinking that she had just accidentally forgotten to take the bracelet off after trying it on. However, that theory was soon shot down when the nurse realized the bracelet disappeared right after Lindsay was at the house, and she knew that it had to have been Lindsay who took it.

“One of Lindsay’s people eventually returned the bracelet to the nurse, who was extremely upset about what had transpired,” the source previously told Radar.

Before the bracelet incident, Lohan had sung the nurse’s praises, telling Jay Leno that she had generously given her one of Dame Taylor’s furs.

“My entertainment lawyer, he knows the nurse that was with her for about seven or eight years, so I became good friends with her and she was on set most of the days I was working and she actually gave me one of Elizabeth’s furs, which was nice of her,” Lindsay said during a promotional appearance for Liz & Dick.

Calls seeking comment to Lohan’s rep weren’t immediately returned.

It’s just always so hard for me to believe that Lindsay is this delusional. Like she thought that she could just steal some priceless piece of jewelry, have a replica made, and switch them out, no problem. I mean, I’ve never met Lindsay personally, but I find it hard to believe that anyone would let her into their home without making note of every valuable thing they owned and where exactly it was located. Because this girl will steal anything.

My favorite part though is the part where Lindsay said “Elizabeth would be very upset with how you are behaving.” That’s such a Lindsay thing to say, isn’t it? Someone should cross stitch that on a pillow, just for the memories.

January 10, 2013 at 3:30 pm by Emily