Because based on her recent actions, she really, really wants one, and she’s not too shy to ask for it. But let’s back up.

Remember those photos I showed you a few days ago, the ones where Lindsay Lohan was wandering around in that tragic fur coat, looking busted as hell and about 25 years older than she actually is? Yeah, those pictures were taken at amfAR, a charity event held to raise money for AIDS research. What a nice event for Lindsay to attend, right? Sounds like a step in the right direction! Oh, except for the fact that she was pretty much there just to convince rich dudes to buy her things.

From the New York Post:

Lindsay Lohan tried to persuade a wealthy patron to bid on an expensive gift for her in the auction at the star-studded amfAR benefit Wednesday night.

The gala, hosted by Sarah Jessica Parker, raised more than $1.4 million for AIDS research at Cipriani Wall Street, and brought out stars including Jennifer Hudson, Elizabeth Hurley and Linda Evangelista.

Spies said that when Lohan recognized a wealthy Canadian financier at a nearby table, she shot over to schmooze him — but then sent an assistant over when bidding on the charity auction began.

“There were items being auctioned for $20,000,” said a spy. “After chatting with the businessman, Lindsay sent over an assistant, who said, ‘Lindsay would very much like it if you’d bid on this item as a gift.’ ”

However, the gentleman declined. “He just cracked up,” our source said — and the piece, believed to be a Hublot diamond watch with a white alligator strap, went to another bidder.

Lindsay was overheard telling guests she was at the gala because of her role playing Elizabeth Taylor, a major amfAR donor, in an upcoming Lifetime movie. The platinum-blond starlet wore a white dress and a coat with long fur cuffs and long fur trim (bringing to mind a glam, shaved yeti).

She changed into a black number for an after-party at Meatpacking hot spot Double Seven, and chilled in a booth as her mom, Dina Lohan, partied with pals across the room.

Heidi Klum, sitting nearby with financier Vivi Nevo, told us she couldn’t stay in town for Fashion Week because she had to head back to LA to shoot “Germany’s Next Top Model.” Klum’s in the midst of a breakup with Seal, and sources say he’s leaving the country this week for a judging gig on “The Voice” Down Under.

Asked about Lohan’s assistant’s request, her rep sniffed: “This is another instance of people making up stories about Lindsay.”

Except I don’t believe this is another instance of people making up stories about Lindsay, mostly because I think every story about Lindsay is a true story. Besides, can’t you so vividly see Lindsay pulling a move like this? It’s because she lives in a world where she can talk to a man for five minutes and believe that he is so smitten by her that he will shower her with fancy jewelry, and that’s a world that hasn’t existed since maybe like 2004. Or ever.

Do you think any dude would ever drop $20,000 on Lindsay? Or more appropriately, do you think Lindsay truly believes that it would happen?

And don’t they go so well with her coke-bloat face and pinprick pupils? God, what a stunner.

The above (and below) photographs are brand-new, featuring Lindsay shopping last night in New York City’s Soho district, where she toted her obligatory lighter around with her like she’s waiting for the next ice age to arrive.

I’m concerned, though. Not about her drug use, and not about her apparent self-delusions, but about her mouth. Can she even close it these days? Is that what happened to her teeth earlier last year? Did they end up looking like that because girlfriend here couldn’t close her mouth, all sorts of things got in there, and her teeth gradually weathered themselves down to ragged stumps? Those veneers won’t last another month if this kind of exposure keeps up and my God. What a waste of money.

The best thing is that Lindsay’s allegedly on her mother Dina‘s back about getting a makeover, telling her she looks like garbage. Dina spoke to Us Weekly earlier in the week and claimed that Lindsay thinks she looks “scary“:

“[Lindsay and Ali] are always telling me to cut my hair,” Dina told Us Weekly at Randi Rahm’s Fashion Week cocktail party. “You know, you think you’re fashion forward, and then you have children who are way more, but you make your own look [work]. But it’s hard when your girls are like, ‘Mom, you look scary.’”

Oh. My. God. Talk about the kettle getting herpes and giving it to the pots and pans or whatever that stupid expression is. Does Lindsay not realize that she’s starting to look exactly like her mother, just with a bigger skank wrench thrown into it?

Anyway, great job on the lips, Linds. Bigger really is better, I guess. That what you’re trying to say? I can’t really tell. All that petroleum-based gunk in your lips is starting to mess with your speech.

Hey. First of all, let me just say that I love you, and I admire your strength. All right? No one should ever have to see what you’ve seen, and you’ve faced so much more than you ever should have had to face. I can’t take that back, but I can try to make it better.

I want to talk to you first, Lindsay Lohan’s hair. It’s possible that you’ve had it the worst of all. I can’t imagine what it must have been like for you to go through all those treatments and bleachings and who knows what else, and it speaks very strongly of you that you’ve survived this long. I know it must have been hard to be introduced to all those new weaves and extensions, not to mention the semen that’s probably gotten all over you from time to time. I’m sorry that you have to go through what you’re going through right now, with the cheap ass curls and bangs. Is that even you, or are you trapped up under there in some stockings? Maybe it would be better that way, but don’t give up hope.

Ok, Lindsay Lohan’s clothes, you’re up next. You’re kind of in a different situation, but it’s still a tragic one: you’re living your life, chillin’ in a store somewhere with your clothes friends, and then bam! It finally happens! You get to go to your forever home! Sure you have some raggedy fur stuck to you, but that’s not your fault, and it’s not important, because you’re going home with your new mommy! Life at this moment is the best it’s ever going to get … and then you realize what you’re facing. A lifetime of cigarette smoke stains and critique. It’s not fair, I know that, but try to be strong!

Speaking of strong, I know you’re doing the best you can, Lindsay Lohan’s titties. I know that. You don’t have the support that your other titty friends have, but you still get out there and bounce with the best of them! You’re an inspiration!

Lindsay Lohan’s lips, you’re an inspiration too! You’re a little bigger than you used to be, and that’s not your fault, but you’re working it! Be proud, be fierce! Keep doing your job, despite all that’s happened to you! Own it!

Now, Lindsay Lohan’s teeth … it’s hard to be so optimistic with you. I know you don’t have a lot of time left, but I am hoping with all my heart that you know the comforting touch of a toothbrush one more time before you pass on to that great beyond.

Lastly, to Lindsay Lohan herself: please take care of all these magnificent things. They try so hard to serve you and to be good to you, the least you could do is give them the care and attention they need. I’d appreciate it, and heaven knows they would appreciate it even more.

With all the love and respect in the world,
Emily

Ha ha, but really. In all seriousness, I’m thinking of taking up a collection so that we can get Lindsay Lohan some quality bras. She never wears any because she spends all her money on coke, right? And I don’t want to reward that behavior, but I also don’t want to keep looking at Lindsay’s floppy titties all the time. I’m thinking we’ll pull together some funds on PayPal or something, and one of you out west can take Lindsay to the Victoria’s Secret or what have you, and make sure that she gets the support she needs. Not for her mental health issues, but for her boobs. Sound good?

And no, I’m not done talking about Lindsay Lohan’s breasts.

I’ve always been a busty girl too. I had to wear a training bra in second grade, which led to one of my favorite nicknames the assholes at my school gave me: Big Boob Girl. Ah, kids. But I kept on wearing that bra, and by the time I was 10, I moved right on to my first A cup, which lasted until I was 12, when I moved up to a B. They kept on growing through middle school and high school, and until I was around 21, the only time I ever took my bra off was to take a shower. I couldn’t imagine going into public without one on, and I certainly couldn’t imagine doing a photo shoot without one. To be fair though, that very last part is probably more about Lindsay being a meth mouthed floozy than anything else.

But that’s why these new pictures, a series of photographs that Lindsy did with Terry Richardson, really got to me. These pictures hurt, don’t they? I don’t get how she can ever be comfortable when she’s running around everywhere with her breasts flopping every which way. Does she think it looks sexy? Because I don’t think it does. I think it looks painful and awkward and like you need to put yourself together before you start your day.

Oh, and I looked at all these pictures pretty hard, and I don’t think there are any photos of actual nipple, but if you manage to spot one, go ahead and holler so I can fix that, all right? Also, here’s an extra little game for you: see if you can spot Marilyn Monroe! She’s in there somewhere!

Images courtesy of Terry Richardson’s Diary

Ok, I’m going to get real right quick: if I have to see Lindsay Lohan done up like Marilyn Monroe or compare herself to Marilyn Monroe one more time, I’m going to have to take some drastic measures. Like, I might have to tweet about it, and I haven’t tweeted anything since July when I set a small fire in my kitchen. That’s how seriously I feel about this.

It’s like all Lindsay can do these days is look busted, and it’s really sad. I watched Mean Girls a couple weeks back, and you guys, she was so pretty, and she was funny, and she had so much going for her. I’m not saying that she could have ever won that Oscar she keeps going on about, but she could have made some good movies. Instead, she chose cocaine and a “career” in “modelling.” It’s disappointing.

Oh, and by the way, that modelling career? It doesn’t seem like it’s going too hot. These photos of Lindsay looking like a meth-faced Marilyn appear in this month’s issue of Love magazine. Do you want to see the cover of the issue?

She didn’t even get the cover, guys. She got her name in small print next to Linda Evangelista’s face. That is how important Lindsay is these days. And that’s sad.

What do you think about these photos? Are you digging them at all, or are you as sick of Lindsay’s modelling as I am?

According to X17 (via Celebuzz), Lindsay Lohan just might have a new fella in her life!

Meet 21-year-old Henry Hopper. He just finished shooting a movie called Tar. He is French Stewart’s stepson. And! He is Dennis Hopper‘s son. I know!

Unfortunately, Lindsay claims there is no truth to the rumor they are an item. Furthermore, she would prefer that I not re-report that a liquor store clerk TOTALLY saw her kissing Henry Hopper.

The Hollywood Gossip:

Lindsay acknowledges she was at the party at the Chateau Marmont—where she’s living since moving out of her beach house—in Hollywood Sunday night.

However, she insists she was sitting with Alan Cummings the whole time and only drank water. As for Henry Hopper, she says the two are just friends.

Lohan is pissed over reports about a recent gas station makeout session with Dennis Hopper’s son, where she allegedly purchased Red Bull and vodka.

Sources close to LiLo say the only items she bought that day were soda, chips, and cigarettes, and that she and Henry have never once hooked up.

See, I would love for this to be true, actually. I think Lindsay has done herself a real disservice by running with an older crowd. Maybe she needs a nice young dude in her life.

(Image gallery via Celebuzz.)