Entertainment Weekly demands to know, “Why, Rob Lowe? Why?!” and I can only echo this headline’s horror.

In mid-June I warned you that hot, hot Rob Lowe had been cast as then-55-year-old wife-killer Drew Peterson, who is comparatively, unsexily swollen. (I also accurately anticipated what Rob Lowe might look like in the role, and it wasn’t pretty.)

And here he is now, in 9 hours’ makeup, for his part in the upcoming made-for-TV movie Untouchable. Oh, my beloved Rob Lowe! Why? Why are you denigrating your own talent and good looks—especially your good looks—for Lifetime? Yes, Lifetime.

I said it in June, but I must reiterate: I cannot understand why they cast anybody but Dennis Farina as this mustachioed Chicagoland villain. AM I THE ONLY SANE PERSON LEFT?

Photo by Dave M. Benett/Getty Images

Did you see the Lifetime made-for-TV movie about The Craigslist Killer? Of course you did, and then you watched the hourlong documentary right after. Did you see the one starring Jennifer Love Hewitt as a down-on-her-luck suburban hooker? Yes! You did! You watched it because you are such a huge Ghost Whisperer fan.

So when you read that Rob Lowe was cast as the dashing violent misogynist in a Lifetime Movie, you were a little surprised. But then you got excited! Rob Lowe can do sinister. Rob Lowe can do sociopath. And most importantly, for younger audiences anyway, Rob Lowe can do Daddy Issues. Hot.

Unfortunately, Rob Lowe was cast as killer husband Drew Peterson.

“Didn’t Lifetime already make a movie about that Peterson guy?” you are asking yourself. “Starring Dean Cain? Or am I thinking of an episode of Law and Order: SVU?”

Poor Dean Cain was typecast as Scott Peterson, the so-perfect-he-must-be-evil husband. Rob Lowe, on the other hand, has been cast as Drew Peterson, the dowdy ex-cop from the Chicago ‘burbs who was eventually revealed as a modern-day Bluebeard. You know, Drew Peterson — salt-and-pepper hair, mustache, married a 23-year-old girl, killed her…?

So this whole casting debacle is quadruple-confusing, not only because Scott Peterson isn’t Drew Peterson, but also because Rob Lowe is all wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Unless…

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Ohmigawd, ohmigawd, ohmigawd. Have you guys seen this trailer for Jennifer Love Hewitt’s new Lifetime Original movie, The Client List? It has every single element that we love about Lifetime Originals– women being morally compromised, obvious story lines, tons of no-name over-actors. On top of all that, it’s a JLH joint, and while I haven’t seen a movie she was in since I was maybe 20 years old, I had no idea that she sucked this bad at acting. I mean, truly. If she’s always sucked this bad at acting, then this woman is the original Paris Hilton. Or something.

But regardless of all that, The Client List looks amazing. This is totally up my alley. Some housewife needs to make ends meat, so she starts whoring herself behind her husband’s back. Then she gets greedy. And then she gets BUSTED. By the title, I can tell that the whole “getting busted” thing is just a catalyst to watch her sell out client after client in order to keep herself out of jail. Bang bang! That’s my shit right there! That’s the kinda quality writing that keeps me coming back for more, Lifetime! I’m not even going to see that Pixar movie now that I know I have this to look forward to.

Y’all psyched for July now?