I know, that’s not the visual you really wanted to fill your subconscious with in the hours before winding down for the evening, was it? I mean, “LeAnn Rimes” and “gash” in the same sentence is enough, for me, to go into full-body convulsions, complete with projectile vomiting, but hey. I could go on, but I won’t. I had spaghetti and Caesar salad for dinner, and it was good, so I’d like to keep it where it is, thanks.

Anyway, LeAnn decided to go snowboarding, where she apparently fell and busted her tailbone, and not for the reason of “not enough snow,” like her Twitter account professed, but because there’s a very thin amount of skin covering the tailbone as it is, and with LeAnn being as skinny as she is and all, it wouldn’t surprise me if that thing was protruding like a pregnant lady’s bellybutton as it were.

Hey! Here’s LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian doing what they do best – posing for the camera, showing off various parts of spine and boob canyons, and frolicking around in resort wear like they’ve got no business doing anything else. Like working.

Who knows. Maybe this is The Big Christmas Lead-In. Maybe this year’s Christmas cards will depict Eddie and LeAnn fornicating in front of a flickering fire. There could be worse things, you know. I’m not sure what just yet, but I’m sure there’s got to be something. … Right?

Eddie, or as I lovingly dub him, “Squints McDong,” has landed a role in his First Real Movie, and by that I mean “a movie that wasn’t made for television, namely Lifetime.” The film also cast other stars like Thandie Newton, Gabrielle Union, Phylicia Rashad, Rebecca Romjin, Jamie Kennedy, and, of course, Tyler Perry, who also wrote the film. Perry claims that the film is about “… an affluent man [who] develops complicating feelings for a single mom [right before his wedding].”

LeAnn must be so STOKED! She probably celebrated by eating a quarter-bowl of Frosted Flakes with 2% milk! The splurge! The indulgence! The irony!

Congrats, Eddie! See what cheating on your snotty Real Housewives wife with a floundering country star will do for your career? YOU GO BOY!

No, they’re not! I’m completely kidding. I mean, she’d probably look OK if she put on, say, thirty pounds, but she’s swimming in those bell-bottomed pants (are those even in anymore? I’ve spent so much time in yoga pants and sweatpants that I just don’t even know fashion anymore), and the … wait, are those the same pants from 5-7-9 that I had to buy when I worked as a cashier at a grocery store in high school?

Ha, no way. You know they don’t sell size -.01244 at stores like 5-7-9. Come on now.

I know you guys were sitting back, kicking it with your leftovers this weekend, when a hot panic broke out over your being: you hadn’t seen a LeAnn Rimes post on Evil Beet in, what, two weeks? Well, naturally I had to see what she’s been up to, and what did I find? These palate-pleasing little photos of LeAnn strutting her stuff in the autumn sun, probably-braless for the world to see. Isn’t that charming Eddie Cibrian just, like, the luckiest guy in the whole entire WORLD?

I personally like the no-makeup photos that LeAnn’s already been caught with, but I’ll take a demi-nip any day (even if it happens to belong to Courtney Love), you know?

I know I’m a couple days late with this, all right? I know that, but do you think that I could honestly just let this one go? That I could honestly see this pictures of LeAnn and think “well, shucks, I guess this will always be the one that got away”? No. No, I could not, and I’m hurt that you would even think that.

Now that we’re all in the same place, what do you think about LeAnn’s attire? Awful, right? Personally, I think LeAnn looked better in her white trash Halloween costume.

One more thing: sorry it’s been almost two whole weeks since we last brought you any news of our darling LeAnn. Don’t think we forgot about her, because we never could! Girl just hasn’t done anything that ridiculous, and she hasn’t been photographed looking especially horrifyingly thin or anything recently. Or, you know, not any more than usual.