Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Kristen Stewart

New BFF Alert: Lindsay Lohan and Kristen Stewart!

A photo of Lindsay Lohan and Kristen Stewart

Let’s get through the facts first, all right, then we can discuss. Here’s what happened: there was a surfing contest last Thursday, and Lindsay Lohan and Kristen Stewart were both there. It looks like Kristen’s brother is into surfing, and I guess he was competing, but I have no idea why Lindsay was there. Surfers aren’t really known for being into meth, are they?

But anyway, the two ladies ran into each other again at a house party later that night. And that’s it. That’s where the story ends. Lindsay Lohan and Kristen Stewart were seen at a surfing contest and also a house party, and that’s all we know. So it’s up to us to fill in the blanks.

I imagine that Lindsay was just being Lindsay, wandering around aimlessly with her titties floppin’ every which way. But Kristen, she’s trying desperately to feel better, to feel normal, to feel something. She tried hanging out with her brother, but when that didn’t help, she found herself at some random house party, where she saw Lindsay Lohan. Kristen, being a human being with ears, had heard that Lindsay is all about the meth these days, and she thought maybe, just maybe, that Lindsay could help her numb the pain.

Or, for the more visual readers out there, Lindsay and Kristen were at the same party, and Kristen was like this:

A photo of Kristen Stewart

And Lindsay saw her from across the room, and she roared her terrible roar and gnashed her terrible teeth, which looks like this:

And Kristen saw oodles and oodles of tiny pebbles fall out of Lindsay’s floppin’ lips, and when she moved closer, she saw that they weren’t pebbles at all, but little rocks of meth! So she looked up at Lindsay in wonder, which looks like this:

Lindsay told Kristen she could have some, but only if she promised to let her be a vampire in the next Twilight movie. When Kristen told her that there weren’t going to be anymore Twilight movies, Lindsay did this:

Kristen got scared and told Lindsay that they’d do another movie, just for her, and she perked up. She tucked her lips back in, ran to the bathroom, and came out looking like this:

Kristen didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, so she just decided to nibble on the meth pebbles that had fallen from Lindsay’s maw. And that’s what happened last Thursday night. Isn’t gossip fun?!

Kristen Stewart Is Not Excited About This Week

A photo of Kristen Stewart

But why? Could it be because she’s finally getting to that stage in depression when you have to bathe because you can’t stand your own stench? Has Liberty Ross been sending her letters threatening a showdown that will take place sometime this week? Oh god, is she starting to get tired of her favorite comfort food?

None of that, you guys. No, Kristen Stewart is not excited about this week because this week, Robert Pattinson will be doing interviews to promote his new movie, Cosmopolis. And let’s not fool ourselves for one minute by thinking that he’s going to be able to avoid any questions about his heart-wrenching saga.

From Radar:

Kristen Stewart has been biting her nails over Robert Pattinson’s  scheduled TV appearanceon The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, is exclusively reporting.

While K-Stew, 22, doesn’t believe R-Pattz will trash her on the show, which airs on Monday, August 13, Kristen is concerned that she could fall foul of the host’s sharp tongue.

She’s praying she won’t be the butt of the jokes because she’s hurting enough as it is.

“Kristin is very, very nervous about Robert’s interview with Jon Stewart on Monday,” a source close to the Twilight star revealed. “She’s confident that Robert, who has always been such a private person about his personal life, will keep quiet over the cheating scandal. But she does have some concerns that Stewart might poke fun at the situation in an attempt to get Robert to open up. While she has a sense of humor, this isn’t something she wants joked about. Kristen is hurting and doesn’t want her heartbreak poked fun at on TV. She’s crossing her fingers that Jon doesn’t go there and instead concentrates on promoting Robert’s new movie Cosmopolis,” the insider said.

It’s not like I’m completely unsympathetic to Kristen Stewart. I still don’t think that “everyone makes mistakes” applies here, and I still don’t think that “she’s just a kid, she doesn’t know any better.” But you know, if she was your average 22-year-old who decided to cheat on her boyfriend with a married dude, things would be way different. She’d still get some flack for it, and her choice would still be wrong, but she probably wouldn’t have had some creeper taking pictures of the actual cheating, and she wouldn’t have thousands of strangers calling her a slut. It must really, really suck to be Kristen Stewart right now.

So yeah, I get why she doesn’t want anyone to ask Rob about it. But that doesn’t mean that she didn’t do it in the first place, you know? It sounds like she’s saying “why can’t everyone just stop talking about that time that I cheated on my boyfriend with a married dude?” which is so silly. Like I said before, she’s not the worst celebrity that ever existed, but she’s not completely innocent either. She doesn’t deserve hate, but if she can’t stand the gossip, then she might need to consider a new career.

Kristen Stewart is Too Embarrassed for Public

photo of kristen stewart in bed embarrassed hiding her face pictures
And come on. If you were Kristen Stewart, wouldn’t you be afraid to show your vapid little face in public, too? Yeah, what she did was “common” by today’s standards, unfortunately, but it doesn’t detract from the fact that the entire situation was interpreted as desperate, sad, and by virtue, pathetic from all angles.

Radar Online claims that Kristen is so mortified, in fact, that she’s pulled out of the London premiere for On the Road, preferring to stay home and eat ice cream and not shower. From Radar:

The 22-year-old actress was originally planning to walk the red carpet for the film version of Jack Kerouac’s classic novel on August 16 – but with her Brit co-star Tom Sturridge, a close pal of Robert Pattinson, already scheduled to appear she wanted to avoid the awkwardness her appearance would bring.

Kristen, an avid Kerouac fan, also doesn’t want her attendance distracting from the film itself, which she is very proud of working on.

“Kristen won’t be doing the red carpet for On The Road – she’s too ashamed to show her face in public right now,” a source revealed.

After everything that has been said, and in light of the revelations that she cheated on Robert with director Rupert Sanders, she’s running scared at the moment. There’s also the dilemma of standing next to her co-star in the movie, Tom Sturridge. He’s very close to Rob and Kristen thinks it would be awkward for her to promote the movie on the red carpet alongside him.”

I’m sure that the whole Robert Pattinson-on-Good Morning America thing has positively nothing to do with it, right? And speaking of which, I’m hearing that the interview is going to be no-holds-barred, too, which is entirely contrary to what I initially thought. Hollywood Life claims to have exclusive sources saying that any and all Kristen Stewart questions are “on the table,” and that the interviewers have complete access to ask whatever they want (which is guess is a moot point, because that doesn’t exactly mean he’s got to answer their inquiries).

It just gets “better” and “better,” doesn’t it?