Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Kristen Stewart

Here’s Another Breaking Dawn Part II Teaser for the Three of You Who Still Care

Or am I the only one, my many facets considered a triune of … you know what? What-the-f-ck ever – I like these damn movies, and even though my twenty-one year-old self would be slapping the shit out of my twenty-eight year-old self, there are just some things that you can’t change and guys? This is one of them. Mark it on your calendars. Commemorate it in a scrap book. But you’ve got to tell me: are there any other Twilight fans out there who are excited about this business? Because if I feel like I’m the only one, well, then I’m going to have to start posting Breaking Dawn Part II stuff like it’s my damn job.

One girl I know I can count on to sate her Twilight thirst along with me? This one.

The best part of the video? Her main YouTube page, where it says in the description, “Holy mother of melty shitbags.” Can I borrow that? Use it? Market it, maybe? I love random outbursts of profanity, and while I thought that one I came out with a few years ago while driving down the highway and some schmoe in a fancy Aston Martin blew past me and almost tossed me and my nine-year-old car off the road was the ultimate (“SHITBAG BALLSUCKER!”), this’ll do just fine, my friends. Just fine.

Watch This: Exclusive Breaking Dawn Part 2 Teaser

The audio is crap, but what do you expect? Someone filmed this on their phone or something while shopping at Target. Have you ever heard the acoustics in Target? They’re amazing. Especially in the dressing rooms. It’s really no wonder you can’t understand a damned thing being said in the entire clip, but whatever – it’s the first live-action look at Bella Swan as a vampire. Could you just die? The film’s actual trailer will debut along with the opening showing of The Hunger Games on March 23rd, and I’m willing to bet there’s a lot of folks out there who’ll be shelling out twelve and fourteen dollars for the sake of three or four minutes of Breaking Dawn preview. There’s a lot of sick people out there, you know.

I Really Want to See Kristen Stewart’s New Movie

From IMDB:

Dean and Sal are the portrait of the Beat Generation. Their search for “It” results in a fast paced, energetic roller coaster ride with highs and lows throughout the U.S.

The movie is based on the book written by Jack Kerouac, and if you’re a cool little hipster thing, then you’ve probably read all of his stuff. Or at least pretended to. Or maybe you’re just well-educated. Heck, you might even enjoy Kerouac’s writings. Maybe that’s how you ended up here. Who knows. I checked it out on my trusty Wikipedia source, and it says this about the book:

On the Road is a novel by American writer Jack Kerouac, written in April 1951, and published by Viking Press in 1957. It is a largely autobiographical work that was based on the spontaneous road trips of Kerouac and his friends across mid-century America. It is often considered a defining work of the postwar Beat Generation that was inspired by jazz, poetry, and drug experiences. While many of the names and details of Kerouac’s experiences are changed for the novel, hundreds of references in On the Road have real-world counterparts.

When the book was originally released, The New York Times hailed it as “the most beautifully executed, the clearest and the most important utterance yet made by the generation Kerouac himself named years ago as “beat,” and whose principal avatar he is.” In 1998, the Modern Library ranked On the Road 55th on its list of the 100 best English-language novels of the 20th century. The novel was chosen by Time magazine as one of the 100 best English-language novels from 1923 to 2005.

So, oh my. I haven’t read a book on the 100 best English-language novels of the 20th century. Does that make me ignorant? Illiterate? Ensconced in modern-day drivel like Harry Potter and the Twilight series? I sure hope not. I mean, it’s got to count for something that I thought the movie looked good even before I actually read up on the plot, right?

All I know is that, no, I have not read the book, and I’m not going to put on any pretentious airs when I say that I’ve read any Jack Kerouac, because I am neither a cool little hipster thing, nor am I well-educated. No, strike that last thing. I’m pretty well-educated, I just never read the books enough to know whether or not I like them. But this movie! It looks pretty good, and I think it’s definitely going to be yet another role where Kristen Stewart can flex her acting muscles. I know a lot of you guys think she’s crap and can’t act her way out of a artfully-crafted-to-look-vintage holey faux-leather satchel, but you know what? I do. I really, really do.

You guys interested in seeing this movie? Have you read a lot of Kerouac? Is this something I’m missing out on big time? School a naive girl, OK?

Kristen Stewart Looks Super Excited About Her New Job

A photo of Kristen Stewart

Yeah, did you know that Kristen Stewart landed a new job? It’s actually kind of a big deal: Kristen is the new face of Balenciaga perfume! She’s going to be a fashion girl, you guys! We’re going to given lots of new photos of Kristen modelling and biting her lip and being incapable of showing emotion on her face, and it’s going to be so pretty.

The news of Kristen’s new job with Balenciaga came out in January, and this is what she had to say at the time:

“I love Balenciaga fashion because it is incredibly bold and forceful, yet feminine and sexy,” Kristen said in a statement. “I found there was a real creative freedom in this project. I feel blessed and really proud to be the face of this new fragrance.”

But right now, Kristen is over in Paris for their Fashion Week, taking care of some business obligations and going to fashion shows and the like, and, judging by these pictures, she doesn’t look too blessed, huh? She looks, dare I say, sullen? Gloomy? In serious pain? So really, no different than usual, I guess.

And, you know, I really don’t want to pick on Kristen too much for this, because I know how it feels, sort of. See, when I’m out and about, where I’m around new people and new sounds and new things to take in, sometimes I can get overwhelmed or caught up in something, and sometimes I can lose myself a little bit. Pretty much every single time I’m out in public with someone, that someone always says something along the lines of “wow, you look like you’re miserable,” or “are you having any fun at all?” And it’s like “shut up, I’m having fun, I’m just not incredibly socialized and there are lots of bright lights and so many things to look at because I’m not in my bedroom!” It’s always really frustrating. What am I supposed to do, smile literally all of the time?

The difference is, Kristen has this great big sourpuss look on while she’s working. She’s trying to make a good impression, in theory, and that constant pout isn’t doing doing her any favors. It’s probably even more detrimental to her career than the fact that she’s an actress who can’t act, and that’s saying something.

Check out these photos of Kristen working in Paris, and let me know if you can see any emotion in there, all right? Oh, and remember that “awkward” and “forced smirk” don’t count as emotions.

Would You Have a Hard Time Sucking the Blood Out of Your Dead Spouse’s Arm So You Could Make Them a Vampire?

I would. I mean, come on. It’d be all laughs and chucks from the time the heart monitor stopped beeping, because duh, what’s funnier than your blood-starved, emaciated wife dying on the table while giving birth to your half-breed vampire baby?

Of course I’m kidding. It wouldn’t be funny, but we’re not talking about real life here, we’re talking reel life on the set of Breaking Dawn Part 1. Which I haven’t seen yet, but only because every damned time I considered seeing it in theaters, it was like there was a constant presence of at least three hundred people all queued up at the ticket counter. Screaming girls at the movies are NOT MY THING. One time, I even went to go see the new, rebooted Nightmare on Elm Street with my brother, because my husband totally hates horror movies (even campy, stupid horror movies). Somehow all these kids ended up in the theater, and whenever anything remotely “scary” would happen, a trio of girls sitting three rows in front of us would scream bloody murder. Sometimes it was even delayed; like, Freddy’d biff someone and it’d take their adolescent brains a second to process it, so there’d be time when a full two seconds would elapse, and then you’d hear the squawking. I hated it so hard that, at one point (OK, about ten minutes into the movie), I whipped a handful of Buncha Crunch at the back of their heads as hard as I could possibly muster, and from then on, it shut them up.

You might think I’m a hypocritical bully, but I’m really not. I’m just an adult with a low tolerance for the same bullshit that I pulled at fourteen and fifteen years old and I like to make it known.

Anyway, back to the Breaking Dawn blooper – it’s pretty funny. It shows Robert Pattinson, covered in blood, trying to bite Kristen Stewart‘s arm, thus making her a vampire and saving both her and their unborn baby’s life. But he can’t do it. He dissolves into a fit of giggles for whatever reason, and the scene has to be reshot. Same with Taylor Lautner. He reports that he tries to later give CPR to Kristen Stewart’s character, and he’s got to wrap his entire mouth around the lower part of her face. And fails. Because that’d actually be kind of funny, too.

Ah these actors and their shenanigans. Just gotta love ‘em, you know?

A New Snow White and the Huntsman Clip Just For You

OK, so blame it on the last two days’ posts. Blame it on whatever you need to. But I’m here to tell you that I’m absolutely not hard-on-ing over this film because it stars Kristen Stewart, who starred in the Twilight franchise movies. Nor am I popping one because Kristen Stewart is dating Robert Pattinson, who is exponentially less hot than his film character, Edward Cullen.

I’m going nuts because this movie actually looks pretty awesome, and Charlize Theron knocks the hell out of the Queen’s role even if I do generally prefer Julia Roberts (and from what I hear, I’m kind of the only one on that side of the fence).

Plus, there’s a whole other slew of reasons that I’m loving this film: one, it stars Chris Hemsworth, who, though I don’t care about generally, impregnated Elsa Pataky, and Elsa Pataky is the ex-girlfriend of my obsession, Adrien Brody. NO RECONCILIATION THERE, THANKS. Second, it’s done by the producers of Alice in Wonderland, and if you saw that and liked it (I did), then you’ll probably have a good time at this show, too. Finally, I just really, really like the concept of a Snow White character kicking ass and taking names and swinging decidedly-heavy swords around like it ain’t no thing.

You guys excited about this movie or what? It’s in theaters on June 1st, and I know what I’ll be doing that night.

Robert Pattinson Was Out With This Chick Over the Weekend

[image removed on request]

The lady in the back seat of the car is Sarah Roemer, and she’s an actress most famous for a role in Disturbia. That, and she was also featured in Maxim.

Lately, there’ve been rumors of a break-up between Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, and these photos really only fuel the fire that’s been burning over the past few weeks. But do I believe it? Hm. I don’t know. I’m not really sure. I mean, a lot of people say that Kristen and Rob’s relationship is totally faked and totally staged and totally for the benefit of the Twilight films’ publicity, but I don’t really get that vibe. If that’s the case, come on. Was Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams’ relationship staged? Are you telling me that there’s no true love left in the world? If Bella Swan and Edward Cullen can’t make it without some average-looking twit blonde named Sarah coming between them, who can, I ask? WHO?

All I know is that in the looks department, Kristen’s got this bitch beat. Who’d you rather:

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