Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Kristen Stewart

Kristen Stewart Looks Super Excited About Her New Job

A photo of Kristen Stewart

Yeah, did you know that Kristen Stewart landed a new job? It’s actually kind of a big deal: Kristen is the new face of Balenciaga perfume! She’s going to be a fashion girl, you guys! We’re going to given lots of new photos of Kristen modelling and biting her lip and being incapable of showing emotion on her face, and it’s going to be so pretty.

The news of Kristen’s new job with Balenciaga came out in January, and this is what she had to say at the time:

“I love Balenciaga fashion because it is incredibly bold and forceful, yet feminine and sexy,” Kristen said in a statement. “I found there was a real creative freedom in this project. I feel blessed and really proud to be the face of this new fragrance.”

But right now, Kristen is over in Paris for their Fashion Week, taking care of some business obligations and going to fashion shows and the like, and, judging by these pictures, she doesn’t look too blessed, huh? She looks, dare I say, sullen? Gloomy? In serious pain? So really, no different than usual, I guess.

And, you know, I really don’t want to pick on Kristen too much for this, because I know how it feels, sort of. See, when I’m out and about, where I’m around new people and new sounds and new things to take in, sometimes I can get overwhelmed or caught up in something, and sometimes I can lose myself a little bit. Pretty much every single time I’m out in public with someone, that someone always says something along the lines of “wow, you look like you’re miserable,” or “are you having any fun at all?” And it’s like “shut up, I’m having fun, I’m just not incredibly socialized and there are lots of bright lights and so many things to look at because I’m not in my bedroom!” It’s always really frustrating. What am I supposed to do, smile literally all of the time?

The difference is, Kristen has this great big sourpuss look on while she’s working. She’s trying to make a good impression, in theory, and that constant pout isn’t doing doing her any favors. It’s probably even more detrimental to her career than the fact that she’s an actress who can’t act, and that’s saying something.

Check out these photos of Kristen working in Paris, and let me know if you can see any emotion in there, all right? Oh, and remember that “awkward” and “forced smirk” don’t count as emotions.

Would You Have a Hard Time Sucking the Blood Out of Your Dead Spouse’s Arm So You Could Make Them a Vampire?

I would. I mean, come on. It’d be all laughs and chucks from the time the heart monitor stopped beeping, because duh, what’s funnier than your blood-starved, emaciated wife dying on the table while giving birth to your half-breed vampire baby?

Of course I’m kidding. It wouldn’t be funny, but we’re not talking about real life here, we’re talking reel life on the set of Breaking Dawn Part 1. Which I haven’t seen yet, but only because every damned time I considered seeing it in theaters, it was like there was a constant presence of at least three hundred people all queued up at the ticket counter. Screaming girls at the movies are NOT MY THING. One time, I even went to go see the new, rebooted Nightmare on Elm Street with my brother, because my husband totally hates horror movies (even campy, stupid horror movies). Somehow all these kids ended up in the theater, and whenever anything remotely “scary” would happen, a trio of girls sitting three rows in front of us would scream bloody murder. Sometimes it was even delayed; like, Freddy’d biff someone and it’d take their adolescent brains a second to process it, so there’d be time when a full two seconds would elapse, and then you’d hear the squawking. I hated it so hard that, at one point (OK, about ten minutes into the movie), I whipped a handful of Buncha Crunch at the back of their heads as hard as I could possibly muster, and from then on, it shut them up.

You might think I’m a hypocritical bully, but I’m really not. I’m just an adult with a low tolerance for the same bullshit that I pulled at fourteen and fifteen years old and I like to make it known.

Anyway, back to the Breaking Dawn blooper – it’s pretty funny. It shows Robert Pattinson, covered in blood, trying to bite Kristen Stewart‘s arm, thus making her a vampire and saving both her and their unborn baby’s life. But he can’t do it. He dissolves into a fit of giggles for whatever reason, and the scene has to be reshot. Same with Taylor Lautner. He reports that he tries to later give CPR to Kristen Stewart’s character, and he’s got to wrap his entire mouth around the lower part of her face. And fails. Because that’d actually be kind of funny, too.

Ah these actors and their shenanigans. Just gotta love ‘em, you know?

A New Snow White and the Huntsman Clip Just For You

OK, so blame it on the last two days’ posts. Blame it on whatever you need to. But I’m here to tell you that I’m absolutely not hard-on-ing over this film because it stars Kristen Stewart, who starred in the Twilight franchise movies. Nor am I popping one because Kristen Stewart is dating Robert Pattinson, who is exponentially less hot than his film character, Edward Cullen.

I’m going nuts because this movie actually looks pretty awesome, and Charlize Theron knocks the hell out of the Queen’s role even if I do generally prefer Julia Roberts (and from what I hear, I’m kind of the only one on that side of the fence).

Plus, there’s a whole other slew of reasons that I’m loving this film: one, it stars Chris Hemsworth, who, though I don’t care about generally, impregnated Elsa Pataky, and Elsa Pataky is the ex-girlfriend of my obsession, Adrien Brody. NO RECONCILIATION THERE, THANKS. Second, it’s done by the producers of Alice in Wonderland, and if you saw that and liked it (I did), then you’ll probably have a good time at this show, too. Finally, I just really, really like the concept of a Snow White character kicking ass and taking names and swinging decidedly-heavy swords around like it ain’t no thing.

You guys excited about this movie or what? It’s in theaters on June 1st, and I know what I’ll be doing that night.

Robert Pattinson Was Out With This Chick Over the Weekend

[image removed on request]

The lady in the back seat of the car is Sarah Roemer, and she’s an actress most famous for a role in Disturbia. That, and she was also featured in Maxim.

Lately, there’ve been rumors of a break-up between Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, and these photos really only fuel the fire that’s been burning over the past few weeks. But do I believe it? Hm. I don’t know. I’m not really sure. I mean, a lot of people say that Kristen and Rob’s relationship is totally faked and totally staged and totally for the benefit of the Twilight films’ publicity, but I don’t really get that vibe. If that’s the case, come on. Was Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams’ relationship staged? Are you telling me that there’s no true love left in the world? If Bella Swan and Edward Cullen can’t make it without some average-looking twit blonde named Sarah coming between them, who can, I ask? WHO?

All I know is that in the looks department, Kristen’s got this bitch beat. Who’d you rather:

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Oh Dear God: Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart Broke Up?!

A photo of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart

If this is true, then I can’t. I just can’t. I can’t believe in true love, I can’t even believe in happiness. I can’t even believe in myself. Without the love of R-Patz and K-Stew in the world, then what will become of us all?

Before I get myself too worked up again, here’s the story from the National Enquirer:

“Just two days after the couple was inducted into Hollywood’s legendary Grauman’s Chinese Theatre, Robert – who’d been having second thoughts about their relationship – hit Kristen with the news that he’s ending it. They kept on smiling at the Los Angeles premiere but Robert was an emotional wreck – and so was Kristen, who never saw the breakup coming. Explaining his reasoning, Rob told Kristen he adores her, but feels that their romance blossomed only because they’d been thrown together as on-screen lovers for nearly four years. Rob felt it was time to explore other relationships and move on.”

Even though Kristen’s devastated, the source added, she knows they’ve got to put on happy faces to promote “Breaking Dawn” – and the sequel next year.

I refuse to believe that this is true. One, because if it is true, then I would be so utterly devastated, and two, Robert would never break up with Kristen. He’s too much of a sensitive little flower to do that. No, if these two were to break up in reality, it would be all Kristen, and it would be so, so heartbreaking.

What do you guys think: are these guys still the picture of true romance or what?

Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart Look Really Happy to be on a Date

photo of robert pattinson and kristen stewart pictures
You know what the best thing is about this couple? That they’re absolutely no pretension or confusion as to who they are. They fulfill their red carpet obligations and act in the movies that their agents see as good fits, and they say all of the words that their fans are dying to hear. Another best thing? They’re completely normal folks, just like you and I. They don’t gussy themselves all up to go to dinner or to a movie, or even for a quiet stroll down the street, and they still appear to be happy together. They’re totally not doing this for the publicity, and they’re not afraid to be photographed unwashed. That might be the best part of these guys, and that’s no lie.

Are You Proud of Yourself, Twilight?

You ruin lives, Twilight. Did you know that? With your sparkling men and your lip-biting ladies, you destroy precious lives. I hope you can sleep at night.

Oh, you didn’t do anything wrong? You’re just a harmless book series that was made into a harmless movie series that has no real, serious impact on people’s lives? You know so little of your power, Twilight. So, so little.

Why, just this past Saturday, you changed a girl’s life forever. You could have killed her, do you realize that? And don’t give me that “people are in charge of their own choices and they have to live with those consequences” claptrap, because I don’t want to hear it. Little Olivia from Illinois, a girl of just 18 years of age, was arrested after police found her car in a ditch. The girl “was driving with no right front tire and was extremely intoxicated,” and do you want to know why? Do you want to know why this girl was upset enough to get completely trashed and drive her car with three tires into a ditch?

Because she was mad at her boyfriend because he didn’t take her to see Breaking Dawn like he promised.

So the next time you want to parade around thinking that you don’t have the ability to change lives, I want you to take a moment to consider this tale, Twilight. And maybe, just maybe, you’ll be a little more careful next time.