Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Kristen Stewart

New BFF Alert: Lindsay Lohan and Kristen Stewart!

A photo of Lindsay Lohan and Kristen Stewart

Let’s get through the facts first, all right, then we can discuss. Here’s what happened: there was a surfing contest last Thursday, and Lindsay Lohan and Kristen Stewart were both there. It looks like Kristen’s brother is into surfing, and I guess he was competing, but I have no idea why Lindsay was there. Surfers aren’t really known for being into meth, are they?

But anyway, the two ladies ran into each other again at a house party later that night. And that’s it. That’s where the story ends. Lindsay Lohan and Kristen Stewart were seen at a surfing contest and also a house party, and that’s all we know. So it’s up to us to fill in the blanks.

I imagine that Lindsay was just being Lindsay, wandering around aimlessly with her titties floppin’ every which way. But Kristen, she’s trying desperately to feel better, to feel normal, to feel something. She tried hanging out with her brother, but when that didn’t help, she found herself at some random house party, where she saw Lindsay Lohan. Kristen, being a human being with ears, had heard that Lindsay is all about the meth these days, and she thought maybe, just maybe, that Lindsay could help her numb the pain.

Or, for the more visual readers out there, Lindsay and Kristen were at the same party, and Kristen was like this:

A photo of Kristen Stewart

And Lindsay saw her from across the room, and she roared her terrible roar and gnashed her terrible teeth, which looks like this:

And Kristen saw oodles and oodles of tiny pebbles fall out of Lindsay’s floppin’ lips, and when she moved closer, she saw that they weren’t pebbles at all, but little rocks of meth! So she looked up at Lindsay in wonder, which looks like this:

Lindsay told Kristen she could have some, but only if she promised to let her be a vampire in the next Twilight movie. When Kristen told her that there weren’t going to be anymore Twilight movies, Lindsay did this:

Kristen got scared and told Lindsay that they’d do another movie, just for her, and she perked up. She tucked her lips back in, ran to the bathroom, and came out looking like this:

Kristen didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, so she just decided to nibble on the meth pebbles that had fallen from Lindsay’s maw. And that’s what happened last Thursday night. Isn’t gossip fun?!

Kristen Stewart Is Not Excited About This Week

A photo of Kristen Stewart

But why? Could it be because she’s finally getting to that stage in depression when you have to bathe because you can’t stand your own stench? Has Liberty Ross been sending her letters threatening a showdown that will take place sometime this week? Oh god, is she starting to get tired of her favorite comfort food?

None of that, you guys. No, Kristen Stewart is not excited about this week because this week, Robert Pattinson will be doing interviews to promote his new movie, Cosmopolis. And let’s not fool ourselves for one minute by thinking that he’s going to be able to avoid any questions about his heart-wrenching saga.

From Radar:

Kristen Stewart has been biting her nails over Robert Pattinson’s  scheduled TV appearanceon The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, RadarOnline.com is exclusively reporting.

While K-Stew, 22, doesn’t believe R-Pattz will trash her on the show, which airs on Monday, August 13, Kristen is concerned that she could fall foul of the host’s sharp tongue.

She’s praying she won’t be the butt of the jokes because she’s hurting enough as it is.

“Kristin is very, very nervous about Robert’s interview with Jon Stewart on Monday,” a source close to the Twilight star revealed. “She’s confident that Robert, who has always been such a private person about his personal life, will keep quiet over the cheating scandal. But she does have some concerns that Stewart might poke fun at the situation in an attempt to get Robert to open up. While she has a sense of humor, this isn’t something she wants joked about. Kristen is hurting and doesn’t want her heartbreak poked fun at on TV. She’s crossing her fingers that Jon doesn’t go there and instead concentrates on promoting Robert’s new movie Cosmopolis,” the insider said.

It’s not like I’m completely unsympathetic to Kristen Stewart. I still don’t think that “everyone makes mistakes” applies here, and I still don’t think that “she’s just a kid, she doesn’t know any better.” But you know, if she was your average 22-year-old who decided to cheat on her boyfriend with a married dude, things would be way different. She’d still get some flack for it, and her choice would still be wrong, but she probably wouldn’t have had some creeper taking pictures of the actual cheating, and she wouldn’t have thousands of strangers calling her a slut. It must really, really suck to be Kristen Stewart right now.

So yeah, I get why she doesn’t want anyone to ask Rob about it. But that doesn’t mean that she didn’t do it in the first place, you know? It sounds like she’s saying “why can’t everyone just stop talking about that time that I cheated on my boyfriend with a married dude?” which is so silly. Like I said before, she’s not the worst celebrity that ever existed, but she’s not completely innocent either. She doesn’t deserve hate, but if she can’t stand the gossip, then she might need to consider a new career.

Kristen Stewart is Too Embarrassed for Public

photo of kristen stewart in bed embarrassed hiding her face pictures
And come on. If you were Kristen Stewart, wouldn’t you be afraid to show your vapid little face in public, too? Yeah, what she did was “common” by today’s standards, unfortunately, but it doesn’t detract from the fact that the entire situation was interpreted as desperate, sad, and by virtue, pathetic from all angles.

Radar Online claims that Kristen is so mortified, in fact, that she’s pulled out of the London premiere for On the Road, preferring to stay home and eat ice cream and not shower. From Radar:

The 22-year-old actress was originally planning to walk the red carpet for the film version of Jack Kerouac’s classic novel on August 16 – but with her Brit co-star Tom Sturridge, a close pal of Robert Pattinson, already scheduled to appear she wanted to avoid the awkwardness her appearance would bring.

Kristen, an avid Kerouac fan, also doesn’t want her attendance distracting from the film itself, which she is very proud of working on.

“Kristen won’t be doing the red carpet for On The Road – she’s too ashamed to show her face in public right now,” a source revealed.

After everything that has been said, and in light of the revelations that she cheated on Robert with director Rupert Sanders, she’s running scared at the moment. There’s also the dilemma of standing next to her co-star in the movie, Tom Sturridge. He’s very close to Rob and Kristen thinks it would be awkward for her to promote the movie on the red carpet alongside him.”

I’m sure that the whole Robert Pattinson-on-Good Morning America thing has positively nothing to do with it, right? And speaking of which, I’m hearing that the interview is going to be no-holds-barred, too, which is entirely contrary to what I initially thought. Hollywood Life claims to have exclusive sources saying that any and all Kristen Stewart questions are “on the table,” and that the interviewers have complete access to ask whatever they want (which is guess is a moot point, because that doesn’t exactly mean he’s got to answer their inquiries).

It just gets “better” and “better,” doesn’t it?

So Robert Pattinson’s Going to do an Interview Next Week

photo of robert pattinson sad face pictures
But unfortunately, it’s not what you think it’s for—it’s for Cosmopolis, his new movie, and not to publicly bash Kristen Stewart and Rupert Sanders for being cheating, sneaky, self-serving bastards bent on wrecking relationships for days. No, I’m sure no one on Good Morning America (where his appearance is scheduled for the fifteenth) is going to bother asking Rob what’s happening with the two, because Cosmopolis is just that good, I’m hearing. From Us Weekly:

Ready or not, R-Patz is coming out of hiding next week. In seclusion since learning of love Kristen Stewart’s fling with Rupert Sanders, Robert Pattinson will kickstart promotions for his new film, Cosmopolis — including a live TV interview on Good Morning America next Wednesday, August 15, a rep for the film confirms to Us Weekly.

The British star is also expected to hit the red carpet in NYC two nights earlier.

Pattinson has been enjoying some R&R at the $7 million, 7-acre ranch in Ojai, Calif. lent to him by pal Reese Witherspoon. Over the weekend, he was spotted having “a few drinks and laughs” at a local country-western bar, Deer Lodge.

“Rob’s a total mess, trying to figure out why Kristen did this,” a source told Us Weekly.

Back in late May — about a month and a half before she and Sanders, 41, were photographed making out in L.A. — Stewart had nothing but praise for Pattinson’s performance in Cosmopolis.

“He’s so good in it!” she told MTV News of the edgy, harrowing film, directed by David Cronenberg and based on Don Delillo’s novel. “He’s really, really [good]. I don’t even know how he [did it]. I couldn’t even understand it. It’s so good, it’s so cool and I’m so proud of him.”

I wonder if GMA is even allowed to ask certain questions. Because honestly, it’s not like Cosmopolis is supposed to be this earth-rending, mind-blowing movie that’s going to win Rob an Oscar or anything, and if I can be quite frank, the only reason he’s probably scheduled on GMA because of this busted-ass relationship thing, and not—not—because his new movie’s supposed to be the bees’ knees. Don’t get me wrong; I’m sure it’s going to be pretty good. But I think people are far more interested in what’s going on in his personal life right now, than that of what’s going on in a movie that he finished filming, like, two years ago or something.

Jodie Foster Has Kristen Stewart’s Back

A photo of Jodie Foster

Do you remember that movie Panic Room? It was that movie – and this thorough synopsis is purely from memory, by the way – about the woman and her daughter who moved into this new house that had a panic room, and they were both like “huh?” but then some dudes tried to break in and they were both like “f-ck yeah, panic room!” The woman, of course, was Jodie Foster, but that daughter was a little bitty baby Kristen Stewart! And even though that movie was filmed about ten years ago, Jodie and Kristen are still tight. Tight enough for Jodie to lend Kristen a shoulder to cry on in these trying times.

Here’s some information about that tender relationship:

A source said: “As soon as she heard the news, Jodie contacted Kristen to offer her support. They have been close friends since they starred opposite each other in the 2002 movie ‘Panic Room’, and Jodie is a mother-like figure to her.

“Jodie told Kristen to take no notice of the media bashing and said if she wanted to cry her heart out to her she’s always available. Jodie loved Rob and is disappointed with Kristen for cheating on him. However, she knows at 22, she’s still very young and unfortunately people make mistakes in life. She thinks Kristen will learn from this and will only grow into a more mature person because of it.”

Ok, I think it’s time to have some Real Talk about this whole thing, don’t you? All jokes and snark aside, let’s just get Real for a minute. We can even do it in convenient bullet points.

- Yes, Kristen is just 22, but that’s definitely old enough to know better.  At 22, you have the mental ability to realize that cheating on your longtime boyfriend with a married man isn’t a nice thing to do.  Let’s not go down that route of “poor little Kristen Stewart just didn’t know what she was doing was wrong, bless her heart,” because not only is it incorrect, but it’s insulting.

- And yes, everyone does make mistakes. Last night I left the back door unlocked. A few days ago, I said something rude to my boyfriend because I was tired and irritable. Sometimes I make plans with someone because I forgot that I’d already made plans with someone else. Those are mistakes. Making a conscious decision to do something that you know will deeply hurt multiple people isn’t something that you just shrug off because “oh, everyone makes mistakes.” That’s bigger than that.

- Kristen made a really stupid choice, and I can’t understand how she’s able to do that to someone she loves, and yeah, I think it was a bitch move. But that doesn’t mean that Kristen Stewart is the worst person in the world. She’s not even the worst celebrity in the world. She did a really shitty thing that a lot of people do, that’s all.

- Of course Rupert Sanders deserves more blame than he’s getting. He’s a 40-year-old married man with children, and he’s also a director who had an affair with one of his actresses. It’s not that the world thinks Kristen Stewart deserves more blame, it’s that she’s Kristen Stewart. Who do you think people want to hear about more, some dude that directed a movie once or Bella Swan?

- Robert Pattinson is a beautiful, perfect angel who doesn’t deserve any of this.

Now let’s discuss!

What Have Kristen Stewart and Rupert Sanders Been Doing Lately?

A photo of Kristen Stewart and Rupert Sanders

If this were any other weekend and you asked me what I thought Kristen Stewart was doing right at this moment, I would have said, without hesitation, “smoking weed and not giving a f-ck.” And then, if you asked me what Rupert Sanders was doing right at this moment, I would have said, without hesitation, “who?”

But, as we all know, this isn’t any other weekend. No, now our lives have been separated into two chapters, divided by that fateful day a week and a half ago. Now, I’d say that Kristen and Rupert both are swimming in a dark pit of sin and hopelessness. And I’d pretty much be right.

Here’s what Rupert has been up to lately:

Sanders’s wife of seven years, Liberty Ross, was “devastated,” a source tells PEOPLE of the model-turned-actress, who played Stewart’s mother in the hit film.

“They seemed like a perfectly happy family,” the source says of Ross and Sanders, who have two children. “This was devastating for her.”

Though Sanders, 44, was recently spotted out wearing his wedding ring, that is no indication that Ross has forgiven her husband.

In fact, another source tells PEOPLE that the couple have not seen each other since Sanders told Ross about cheating with Stewart, 22.

“She’s been focused just on her kids through this,” the source says. “It’s what she cares about the most.”

However, the shock of the scandal is apparently fading. “Now she’s really feeling strong and looks forward to resuming her life,” the source says.

But that doesn’t mean a reconciliation is in the works. According to the source, nothing has been decided.

But what about Kristen?

Kristen Stewart has been staying with producer Giovanni Agnelli ever since fleeing the home she shared with Rob Pattinson, RadarOnline.comis exclusively reporting.

He has offered the actress the run of his home, in the trendy Sunset Plaza area, until she feels able to head out and face the public again under the harsh glare of her cheating scandal.

“Kristen is acting like a heartbroken teenager,” a source tellsRadarOnline.com exclusively. “She is crying her eyes out non-stop and does not want to communicate with anyone. She is beyond mortified and humiliated and she is also broken hearted. She says she truly loved Rob. She says he was her soul mate, but she blew it and now she is scared that she has lost him forever. She is pretty much inconsolable.

“Kristen hasn’t showered or changed or washed her hair in several days,” the insider reveals. “She is laying around in her T-shirt and shorts and eating ice cream. She really wants to believe that she can win back Rob, but I think deep down she knows that isn’t the case.”

We’ve all been there, girl. There’s no shame in avoiding cleanliness in favor of ice cream.

Here’s a sadly true story: last week, my boyfriend and I were out getting snow cones, and the radio at the snow cone hut was playing Delilah – you know Delilah, that delightful woman who gives relationship advice to callers and then plays appropriate soft rock – and a woman called and told Delilah that her husband had cheated on her, and she didn’t know if she could forgive him. And Delilah told her that just because her husband had sex with another woman doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love her, and she shouldn’t throw away all they had because of one little mistake. And I looked at my boyfriend and said “bullshit.” Not because we were about to have some meaningful discussion about our own feelings, but because “I mean, if Kristen Stewart had really loved Robert Pattinson, she wouldn’t have gone behind his back and planned a whole affair, especially when she knew just how much this would hurt him, and he shouldn’t have to forgive someone for knowingly hurting him that badly.” And I think it goes without saying that the 40-year-old man with a wife and kids should have known better.

Feelings, you guys. So many feelings.