Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Kourtney Kardashian

The Kardashians Do Katy Perry’s ‘E.T.’

Ten random thoughts about this whole deal:

10. Can Kim NOT do anything where she’s acting like a total hooker?

9. At the :20 mark, Kourtney Kardashian IS Michael Jackson.

8. Bruce Jenner is WAY too into this.

7. Is Kris Humphries in this video? The quality on my laptop sucks right now, but I want to be sure I laugh extra-hard if that is him with the white T and sunglasses.

6. I GET IT. You’re rich, you have a boat, the boat is centrally located on some water.

5. 2:00 mark: We were waiting for you, Khloe. … and your, um, blinking LED ring.

4. Those are THE ugliest gold shoes I’ve ever seen. And no, you do not get extra points for walking like you’re something else in them.

3. Again. Can Kim NOT do anything where she’s looking like a total hooker?

2. Who’s weird cabana-on-stilts/reject from Swiss Family Robinson thing is this?

1. Scott Disick doing anything except being a smarmy, smirky git. Fuck yes.

Well that was fun. What stuck out to you guys?

Quotables: Kourtney Kardashian Talks About the ‘Real’ Kim

photo of kim kardashian pictures photos

“He fits in [with the family] already. I think they’re just themselves, and I think that’s the most important thing. Kim is totally herself in front of him. Everything is easy, comfortable, no stress.”

Kourtney on how well Kris Humphries fits into the Kardashian family. I’m still trying to decide whether or not he should be insulted by something like that, but then I get all confused over who Kim is if she’s not herself in front of the rest of us? I mean, the concept of the REAL Kim Kardashian is a totally overwhelming paradox. But then I get stuck back on Kris fitting in with the Kardashians. And I know that if he were a regular, non-magical creature, he probably have a hard time of it. But trolls kick it with trolls, so I suppose I’m not at all surprised. Moving on!

Love It or Leave It: Kourtney Kardashian’s Cleavage-Heaving Jumpsuit

photo of kourtney kardashian pictures with kim in la photos

Is that a jumpsuit that Kourtney Kardashian is rocking? Would you call that a jumpsuit? Because I don’t know. Maybe ‘baggy unitard’ would be a better descriptor. Or, just, you know, ‘fucking atrocity made from spandex and polyester in a really unfortunate color.’ What color, you ask? ‘Camel toe,’ of course.


photo of scott disick pictures

“You know, I just realized there’s bigger things in the world than just being a selfish, self-centered, prick. There’s times that it’s difficult but, you know, the good outweighs the bad. It’s nice having a healthier lifestyle than I used to have. … I mean, I get along better, I think in general, with everybody in the world. Not only my family, but just even the surrounding people.”

Scott Disick, Kourtney Kardashian’s baby daddy, with a whole new attitude to go along with that smarmy-looking face. Disick, if you’ll remember, was a raging, insulting alcoholic that finally decided he needed to clean his act up. Still, it’s a shame that boyfriend still wears that same egg-suck dog look on his head, because although it’s awesome that he’s embraced sobriety or whatever and a better lifestyle, his face still screams ‘Pretentious douche!’ much like Paris Hilton’s vadge would STILL scream ‘Scabies!’ even if she became a nun or something.

Klook! Kardashian Ksilly Kbandz!

I will just laugh myself into the grave over that headline. Giggling myself six feet deep is what I’m doing over here.

After the whole Kardashian Kard fiasco (not that kard, the other one), you’d think Kourt, Khloe and Kim would show some discretion when putting their name on a product, but no. Now the girls have introduced a collection of Silly Bandz, those rubber bracelets you probably saw your kids and cousins swapping under the table like, last Easter. That’s when these things were popular. To come out with a collection of Silly Bandz in 2011 is like coming out with a collection of Timbaland-style high heel boots in 2009– just completely fucking tragically late and unstylish.

Thankfully, I have no problem being ugly and irrelevant, so I will be picking up a pack of these bad girls ASAP. A rubber Khloe Kardashian on my wrist? Is it my birthday again?!

And while we’re on the topic, what other reality shows should they turn into Silly Bandz collections? I’d like a Real World San Francisco pack and even though I don’t watch the show, I’m sure a The Biggest Loser collection would be amazing. Just little sandwich and tear-shaped pieces of rubber?

Kardashian Christmas Cards Through the Years: A Veritable Treasure Trove of Belly Laughs

photo of kardashian christmas cards pictures photographs old

Molls brought you guys the Kardashian klan’s latest Christmas photo (and no, the ‘K’ alliteration will never get old guys, sorry) the other day and with some diligent scouting, I’ve recovered the epic Kardashian cards of Christmas past.

Check out the pics below and vote for your favorite in the comments – it’s sure to be fun for the whole family.

The Kardashians Talk About Their Vaginas on Conan

It’s funny how the Kardashians are so similar to the Three Little Pigs. Kim is, like, the one who built her house of bricks and stuff because she’s probably the best in interviews, almost like a veritable fortress of ‘good’ manners and poise, where Kourtney kind of waffles between being stable and flimsy and you just know she’s all about the sticks, and then you have Khloe, who is like the loud-mouthed, lazy little porker with no provisions, who just goads the Big Bad Wolf into wrecking shit to oblivion.

And when these gals start talking mayonnaise with Conan, it makes me think of bacon and mayonnaise sandwiches (which are gross, but I know people who eat them anyway), and then I get to thinking about the Three Little Pigs again. Amazing how the craziest things can be linked, guys, you know?