They say when you have multiple children that you should (and usually do) love them all equally, though in different ways. I imagine this unspoken rule is null and void, though when one of your kids puts out a sex tape that puts your entire family on the map and manages to pull in more money for you in a week than your other kids do in a year, combined. Such is the case with Kris Jenner and her brood – Khloe, Kim, Kourtney, Kendall, Kylie… and Rob. We like to forget about Rob whenever we can.

Khloe Kardashian appears on the cover of the new issue of Cosmopolitan, and her interview is… vaguely depressing. It’s probably meant to be enlightening, but it’s pretty obvious that momager Kris favours Kim over the other girls. You gotta treat your cash cow right, don’t you?

“I’d never manage my kids. We gang up on Mom and that has to be so hard. Now I’m getting older I feel sorry for her rather than resent her.

“[Once my mom told me] I was gaining weight, but she was talking to me as a manager, like I was ruining a brand deal. It’s hard to understand that and it’s more hurtful when it’s coming from my mom, but Kim is definitely her favorite.

“It doesn’t bother me. They’re so similar – they could be the same person.”

I know it seems like she doth protest too much (and seriously, who WOULDN’T care if your siblings were favoured over you?), but maybe since it’s Kris, Khloe is being honest here. After all, the most attention Kris has ever given her was when she was begging her to take a DNA test to find out whether or not she was actually  a Kardashian or a by-product of her old ass affair. This whole family just needs to stop.

Russell Brand might be a generally cool dude, but he’s also a f-cking weirdo who says some bizarre shit sometimes that makes me wonder what in the hell he was thinking, if he was indeed thinking anything at all. His latest foray into nonsense included joking about wanting a foursome with the Kardashians three – Kim, Kourtney and Khloe – and yes, that’s in spite of Kim being heavily pregnant (which seems to be even more of a turn on).

While guest hosting Chelsea Lately, the Kardashians interviewed Brand, during which he said (via DigitalSpy):

“I’m vulnerable to the concept of a KKK threesome,” Brand quipped, leading Khloe to say to the pregnant Kim: “Well, I heard pregnant p***y is the best p***y.”

The comedian went on to say: “I think pregnant women are radiant and beautiful and the idea of lactation is an interesting one.”

Brand went on to tease that his sexual experience with the Kardashian siblings would entail a “limitless, foaming river of milk and orgasm”.

Uh… I don’t consider myself to be easily grossed out, but that gave me shivers, and not in a good way. I mean, “the idea of lactation is an interesting one”?? Whatever floats your boat, bro, but keep it to yourself.

I’m no defender of the Kardashian sisters three – Kim, Kourtney and Khloe. However, I am a defender of basic human rights, especially when it comes to women, and Indian advertising company JWT took shit to the next level when they released an ad for the new Ford Figo which featured the reality stars bound and gagged in the car’s trunk as Paris Hilton winks and smirks from the front seat. Uh, okay.

The tagline for the ad – which features another not-meant-to-be-released incarnation that’s just offensive: Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi with similarly bound and gagged strippers in the trunk – is ‘Leave Your Worries Behind’, which makes zero sense. Basically JWT is asserting that anyone who could be causing you trouble (or seen as competition, I assume, in the Kardashian ad case?) can be handled by tying them up, gagging them and storing them in the trunk of your new Ford car. Have I got it about right? Okay, well, one more question, then: What the fuck?

Ford has offered an apology on JWT’s behalf and the ad agency’s parent company swore that the images were uploaded to the internet without their knowledge or permission, but it still begs the question of WHY THEY WERE EVER MADE AT ALL. But whatever, I guess common sense isn’t an inherent trait in all humans. In any case, the Kardashians aren’t taking this lying down and are considering suing over this whole thing.

From Yahoo! OMG:

“The ‘leave your worries behind’ Ford ads are disgusting, vile and offensive to all women,” a Kardashian attorney told “omg! Insider.” “It is unacceptable that Ford would align itself with an ad agency that would so carelessly release these ads. The Kardashians do not take this lightly and they are exploring all of their legal options.”

Fair enough. It’s not like they need the money and more often than not they’re doing this more from a “damaging the Kardashian brand” stance rather than a feminist and, you know, basic human being one, but whatever.

I can’t even believe I’m writing about this, but Sunday night on Kourtney and Kim Take Miami, the Kardashian sisters got into some serious shit when they decided to become scientists and perform their own experiment. Khloe hears that drinking pineapple juice makes your vagina taste sweet and reports this to Prego and Braindead. That’s ridiculous, but it doesn’t keep Kim and Kourtney from trying it, rubbing themselves all over napkins and then having Khloe sniffing those same napkins to put it to the test. Just… gag me. Khloe has no shame about this whole thing either, saying (and I quote), “We’re sisters, if I can’t smell their pusses, what else are we supposed to do?”

Uh, I can come up with a very long list of things. How about starting a book club or going on a hike? You could also learn how to knit, watch the entire series of Arrested Development on Netflix, take a nap, “write” your memoirs, bake a cake… are you getting my point here? In no time does “smelling one another’s private parts” come into play. What the hell is wrong with these people? I’m disappointed in Khloe in particular. She was my favourite – now I can’t even look at her without wanting to vomit, so I guess I’m on the same page as the rest of the world, now.

You can watch the full episode – if you want to lose your appetite for the rest of the day, that is – below:

Kylie and Kendall Jenner are already nearly as insufferable as their older sisters, probably because Kris Jenner put them out on the ho stroll a few years earlier than Kim, Kourtney and Khloe. However, while they love their siblings (I guess?), they aren’t krazy about being part of the Kardashian Klan and are quite happy being Bruce Jenner’s daughters, thanks very much.

From Glamour:

Glamour: We have to ask: Do you ever think about the fact that your last name isn’t Kardashian?
Kendall: We’re full-throttle Jenners! We don’t have any desire to be Kardashians.
Kylie: All that matters is that we’re a family.

I wonder what it means to be “full-throttle Jenner” – it sounds sort of mysterious and slightly illegal. The girls also discussed what life in the spotlight is like, and while they realise the endless parade of reality shows they’ve appeared in have given them a lot of what they have, it’s not always such a good thing:

Glamour: Your family leads such a public life. Is that a good thing?
Kylie: Our family is closer because of the show. And when we are older, we’ ll have the memories on tape. If some of those moments hadn’t been filmed, I wouldn’t remember them!
Kendall: We appreciate everything that we have, but we don’t remember what it’s like to be normal kids who aren’t harassed by the paparazzi. I hate that. We’re underage girls. I don’t want to be followed by random men I don’t know. It can also be hard to deal with other kids who are jealous or mean. I can’t post a picture on Instagram without being criticized.
Kylie: No one really knows what we are like. People read about us on Twitter, but they don’t know what we do all day long. We don’t really have privacy, but we have an aspect that people don’t know about.

Yeah, I’m sure the water runs deep there, ladies. Get those Mensa applications filled out, stat.

Incidentally? In related Kim Kardashian news? She was voted Worst Dressed (along with Nicki Minaj) on the Huffington Post’s Worst Dressed Celebrities list, and gosh. Can we go ahead and credit Kanye for that? Because while she never really had the greatest fashion sense in the world, it’s definitely gone downhill since she started f-cking with Kanye West.

Congratulations on that, Kim. And Kanye—hats off to you, too, I guess, huh?

Because we all know that it’s not Christmastime until we see how the Kardashians and the Jenners decided to come together for their annual Christmas card.

There’s a couple of interesting things here, I guess. Obviously, Kanye isn’t there, which is extremely upsetting, and also surprising. Don’t they realize how much more press they would get with this is he was on there? There’s not any trouble in Kimye paradise, is there? Heaven forbid Kim lose the latest love of her life, especially when she’s still married to her last one. Can you even imagine?

I guess the only other interesting thing is how much people care about these cards every year. When I was trying to find the best version of this photo, I found dozens and dozens of other blogs and news sites that already got the tip last night, and I don’t get it. And you know I’m not trying to do a big “why do people care about celebrities?” thing, or even a “why do people care about the Kardashians?” thing. People care about them because it’s fun to gossip, duh. But I don’t get why people care so much about these Christmas cards specifically. Is it just so we can speculate about Kim’s love life? Or to see what Bruce Jenner‘s face is up to? Because I can understand that. But otherwise, what’s the appeal?

It’s not Kim’s stupid greased back hair, that’s for sure.

Yeah, the latest Kardashian show, the one with Kim and Kourtney in Miami? The show that no one cares about? I think we’ve mentioned it at some point. Anyway, it seems like some people actually do care: the people who would be the poor, tortured souls living next door to the Kardashians.

From Radar:

Filming has begun as Kourtney & Kim Take Miami -– but this time they won’t be living anywhere near glamorous South Beach!

According to Belle Isle Blog, the Kardashian’s hopes of renting a beach home on the Sunset Islands, DiLidi Island and on North Bay Road were blocked by irate neighbors who didn’t want the hassle of having the reality-TV stars on their doorstep. The family needed signatures from immediate neighbors of the prospective homes they wanted to use for a three-month period of non-stop filming – and a support of 90 percent of homeowners within 500 feet. However, most residents kicked up a stink – complaining that the film crews and paparazzi would prove a disruption to their normally tranquil neighborhoods.

It has meant that Kourtney, Kim and Khloe – who has been filming with her older sisters – have had to settle for a base nearly 14 miles away from trendy South Beach in gloomy North Miami Beach.

“They found a gated community in North Miami Beach,” Raul Gonzalez of Miami Beach’s Office of Film and Print confirmed.

But despite their abode being in a desirable gated community, RadarOnline.com has learned the area the 51,000 square-feet property is far from safe.

“The area is known for its hourly hotels, strip clubs and high crime rate,” a source revealed. “It’s a far-cry from their usual posh digs, with just a 7-Eleven and an abandoned old bank close by.”

On Wednesday, filming for Kourtney & Kim Take Miami got underway – with the two protagonists taking the eldest sister’s kids, Mason and Penelope to the Wizard of Oz interactive exhibit at the Miami Children’s museum.

The new season is set to premiere in January 2013.

Oh, that just sounds so great. Really, it does. I would love to watch it if I thought they’d embrace their shady neighborhood, but mostly I just think they’ll hide it. Like, if Kourtney and Kim are taking kids to a children’s museum, I don’t think we’re going to see any field trips to the old abandoned bank, you know?

From Us Weekly:

“I’m 5 feet tall, so that’s a lot. While I’m here around the house I just eat healthy. However, she is not looking to rush off the weight due to how physically demanding it was following Mason’s birth. “I’m so embarrassed that I punished my body for a photo shoot. I’ve been obsessing about this weight thing a little too much.”

And in this picture, yeah, she‘s definitely looking a bit curvier than she has in the past, but she looks GOOD. She looks healthy and attractive and above all, pretty darn happy with herself (as she should be; those two kids of hers are adorable). No, the only weight I think she needs to lose is about a hundred and seventy pounds worth of something I call “dickbag,” and that happens to go by the alias of “Scott.”

And you know what? That’s got to really, really suck for Kim that she’s so high above it all that she can’t even do the simplest of shit like have eyesight problems. It’s got to be some sort of highfalutin issue when you can’t even wear f-cking glasses without drawing criticism. Either that, or people just hate you, and I think it’s definitely that.

The other two girls, Kourtney and Khloe, actually look kind of charming wearing the specs, and I have to say, the look on those two is flattering. But Kim? No. Not at all, actually. Laws. It’s got to be so tough being the Perfect Bitch, you know? Damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

What do you guys think about the Kardashian eyewear line (aside from the general “What the f-ck” reaction that probably plagued you all)?

From People:

A new reality star is born!

Kourtney Kardasian and fiancé Scott Disick have welcomed their second child, a daughter named Penelope Scotland Disick, born early Sunday at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles, reports E! News.

“Scott and I are overjoyed to welcome our precious angel Penelope Scotland Disick into our lives. We are forever blessed. Mommy and baby are resting comfortably,” the Keeping Up with the Kardashians star – who, with Disick, is already mom to 2-year-old son Mason – told E! News.

Their new arrival weighed 7 lbs., 14 oz. and was delivered via all-natural birth, according to the report.

“It was a great. She had an easy delivery,” matriarch Kris Jenner told E! “[Penelope] is so cute. She looks just like Mason. She’s so beautiful. We are so happy.”

Describing her pregnancy with Penelope, Kardashian, 33, told PEOPLE in April: “I feel really good … [though] this time I had a little more morning sickness. I think it’s a little bit harder being pregnant when you have a toddler I’m chasing after. Last time I could nap more.”

Am I in the minority by thinking that Penelope Scotland is a pretty adorable name? I usually think that naming a baby after a geographical location is sort of weird, but names like Brooklyn and Paris* have become somewhat popular, and I get that those sort of names usually have some sort of significance for the parents. But Penelope? I think that’s a lovely name.

Now we just have to see a picture of little Penelope Scotland and a video of Kourtney ripping her from vagina and we’ll be set!

*I went to elementary school with a girl named Paris Love. I was about 8, and I was like “man, if I knew what porn was, I’d think that she had an awesome porn star name.”

I can’t tell you why I’m so excited for the legendary Oprah Winfrey to interview all of the Kardashians, but I really, really am. Maybe it’s because I want to hear Kim talk about the divorce. Maybe it’s because I’m excited to see the whole family together. Or maybe it’s because I like to pretend that Khloe is my best friend, and besties totally support besties. I don’t know.

Regardless of the reason, my excitement remains the same. Or it did, until I read new quotes from the interview. After that my excitement shot way up, as if that was even possible.

It’s no secret that Kris Jenner is very hands on when it comes to her kids’ careers.

But does the momager overdo it as a manager and forsake her role as a mom when doing business with the Kardashian kids? In an OWN special airing Sunday, Oprah Winfrey sat down with Kim Kardashian, Kourtney Kardashian, Khloé Kardashian Odom and Rob Kardashian and asked what they thought about claims their mom was “pimping her children.”

“I think that’s so ridiculous,” Kim said. “First of all, we have to hire a manager. So regardless, someone is going to get that [job].

“No one will fight harder for you than your own mother,” she added. “She knows us. She knows all of our moods…We just get each other. We vibe. It works.”

The OWN mogul then moved on to another touchy topic: Would the Kardashians would be running an empire and enjoying the success they have today if they weren’t “good-looking kids?”

“Well,” Rob started, pointing to his three older sisters. “They’re not, like, skinny women.” (Khloé, of course, put her little bro in check, asking, “Who are you?” and sarcastically telling him, “You’re so sweet.”)

“I mean in today’s society, yeah, to be honest, probably not,” Lamar Odom’s lovely wife answered. “You have to have this bombshell over here [Kim] and this petite little bundle of joy [Kourtney] and this hunk next to me [Rob].” (For the record, Khloé, you majorly factor into that gorgeousness equation!)

“But we are all different,” Kourtney added. “We have different body types.”

“But I don’t think [our success] would’ve happened if we were all like skinny, pretty models,” Kim reasoned. “I think it has to do with us, the curves, the dark hair!”

She also thinks that the sisters “helped broaden” the representation of Middle-Eastern women in mainstream media, giving them a niche role as they rose to fame.

So. Excited.