Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Kim Kardashian

Sorry About the Whole ‘Two Kardashian Posts in One Day’ Thing

Although I suppose we should be broadening the parameters to include week, month, year, and – oh! right – ever.

Let’s just do this one by the numbers, shall we?

At the :13 mark, I just love how Khloe almost biffs and heads down the steps. That are about two and a half inches in rise. Love you girl!

:27. Kris Jenner makes me want to punch small, furry animals in the face. Hard.

:30. Yup. Still wanting to punch small, furry animals in the face.

:35. Any particular reason we’ve had to endure so much of Kris Jenner’s f-cking geriatric shimmying? Anyone?

:47. OF COURSE Kim‘s main lyric is “Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir.” You know what that means, people who don’t speak French? It means WILL YOU SLEEP WITH ME TONIGHT. Tramp.

1:04. My four-year-old just asked me why that lady was wiping her bum on the steps. I told her because she was a nasty, nasty lady.

1:10. What’s with the slo-mo hair whipping?

1:20. That’s as low as Kim can go? Doubt it.

1:28. Looks like an excerpt from Kim’s sex tape. Just with clothes and no F-list black man who’d later be partially responsible for the death of Whitney Houston.

Did I miss anything? Covered it all, did I?

This Would Be Kim Kardashian’s Real Butt

photo of kim kardashian in the dominican republic real butt ass pic
Look, it’s Kim Kardashian’s ass on vacation! She’s really taking it easy here, huh? Letting it all hang out, thinking that no one’s there to catch her while she suns her ass … ets. Everyone deserves a vacation, guys. Even lying, cheating, famesluts. That’s probably one of the most difficult, trying jobs of all. You’d need a few days off, too, if you were her.

Also, see this photo of Kim grabbing Wendy’s at the airport in the Dominican Republic on her way home? This one?:

photo of kim kardashian dominican republic airport pics
I was there. Like, literally. I remember how unbelievably open-air the airport was and I marveled at the fact that there were actual operating restaurants inside. I, too, chose the Wendy’s on my way home from the DR, and it was a good choice. See, here’s a photo of me from back in the day eating my Wendy’s and drinking my beers pre-flight:

photo of sarah taylor spangenberg dominican republic trip pics
Don’t laugh, I know. I was wearing my glasses and no bra because I had packed all lacy things and lace sucks on a fresh tan, and also, I was pretty hungover. Plus, if you couple those things with the facts that I was leaving paradise to return to cold weather + no air conditioning during meal time, you’d probably have a sadmad face, too. Anyway, we’re not here to discuss my un-photogenic-ness. We’re here to talk about the validity of Kim Kardashian’s ass. It’s real, guys. There’s no doubt about that. Even though, yeah, she’s Photoshopped for days in all of her ads and staged photo ops and you normally can’t tell her tits from her ass, but these pictures, guys. These pictures. There’s a definite ass-tits differential there, and if – if! – Kim’s ass has been surgically altered (a notion that I’m starting think is wrong more and more as the days go by), then she’s definitely closed up shop on the upkeep and maintenance of her plastic parts. Don’t get me wrong, though, now: it’s a fine, fine ass. It’s just not an ass that I’d pay money for, you know?
And she shouldn’t have, either, if she wasn’t willing to take proper care of the thing.

Bikini images courtesy of The Superficial

Janice Dickinson Still Hates Kim Kardashian

A photo of Janice Dickinson

And boy, does she really, really hate her. Do you remember back in December when I told you guys what Janice Dickinson had to say about Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton? It was pretty rough:

“Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian? Sluts, whores and sluts. That’s what they are. That fake sham marriage was disgusting because they did it for money! She’s a fraud, she’s a hoax.”

Janice here really isn’t afraid to say whatever comes to mind, is she? It’s sort of refreshing, or at least it is when you’re not the subject of her words or when you don’t ever have to hear them in person. Janice is surely That Friend, the one that’s brutally honest to the point of hurting your feelings. “Wow, you look so fat in that dress. How are you so fat?” she’d say as she pawed all over your tummy and backside. No thanks.

But hey, we aren’t her friends, you guys! So we can just sit back and watch Janice spew the truth with no fear at all. Let’s do that as she tells us what she thinks about Kim Kardashian and the infamous flour debacle, shall we?

“Throwing flour on someone is rude! I think Kim should be tarred and feathered! I support PETA. Anyone that wears fur is rude and disgusting! Especially Kim Kardashian. She is rude and disgusting.”

I know a lot of you guys won’t argue the rude and disgusting part, but do you think she should be tarred and feathered? Like maybe we should bring back that practice real quick so Kim can learn a lesson? Is that too far? Can anyone draw up some sketches real quick about what it would look like if Kim was covered in tar and feathers so we can think this through a little more? Be sure and do justice to her beautiful cry-face.

Let’s Kick The Day Off With Some Cleavage!

A photo of Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi and Kim Kardashian

I ask you, is there any better way to start the day off than by checking out some titties? I sincerely doubt it. In this crazy world where so often up is down and wrong is right, there are but a small handful of things that are pure and good. These things include chocolate covered strawberries, kisses from kittens, the artwork of Lisa Frank, and, yes, titties. If I could, I would send you all delicious desserts and precious baby animals and glittery masterpieces, but I can’t. However, I can, and I will, give you titties.

Or, ok, cleavage.

And no, your eyes don’t deceive you! If you picked up the context clues from the photo above, you probably guessed that you’ll be seeing the cleavage of both Snooki and Kim Kardashian. Two of your favorites! Isn’t this your lucky day?

First, there’s Snooki, bearing her pregnancy boobs:

A photo of Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi

Snooki posted that picture to her Twitter account, along with the caption “I got swagger with my pregnant self.” Sure, Snooks, if by “swagger” you mean “swollen breasts and a low cut shirt.” That’s crazy, right? I’ve heard about the pregnancy boobs, but all the ladies I’ve known with children were pretty well endowed to begin with, and they didn’t really change all that much in that way. I’ve read that women can go up like three cup sizes though during pregnancy, and even a couple more after they give birth, and that just blows my mind.

And now let’s check out Kim Kardashian’s regular old non-pregnant boobs:

A photo of Kim Kardashian

Kim also posted this on Twitter, and her caption was “what I would look like with light eyes.” Because she totally wants you to look at her eyes.

I have a few more issues with Kim’s picture than I had with Snooki’s. First off, what’s with the open mouth? I know that it’s a pretty common thing to do in “modelling,”, and sometimes it even looks nice, but there’s a difference between having your lips parted and having your mouth gaping open. One can look sexy, the other looks … well, just check out Kim’s picture one more time. And while you’re up there, be sure and take an extra glance at her cleavage. It looks sloppy, right? And no one likes sloppy cleavage. I know going strapless is harder for busty girls, but I promise, it’s not impossible. Also, Kim, definitely stick to the brown eyes, sister.

And there you go! I assume I’ll get into some more intellectual matters (LOL) later in the day, but for now, let’s take this Saturday morning easy, all right?

Look, It’s Another Kardashian Ad!

A photo of Khloe Kardashian, Kim Kardashian, and Kourtney Kardashian

It’s an ad for the new Kardashian Kollection swimwear collection, and unlike that lingerie ad, this one hasn’t been Photoshopped at all!

Oh goodness, you guys, I can’t keep that up all the way throughout this whole story: the Kardashians are Photoshopped. There, I said it. They’ve been ridiculously Photoshopped. Just look at Khloe and her torso. Do you see her waist? Or rather, her lack of one? I’m not calling her fat, because she’s not, I’m just saying that I’m pretty sure her waist measurement isn’t the same as an eight-year-old’s. But really, get a good look at her hand there: hand on hip, pretty normal pose, right? Except after the Photoshopping, she’s just got her fingers oddly placed on her waist, and what used to be her hip has been replaced with air. I’m not even going to start on Kourtney and Kim. The magic of editing, right?

Of course, all the Kardashian girls have already expressed their excitement over the photo. Kim did it by way of her blog, and Kourtney and Khloe went through their beloved Twitter, but here’s what they had to say:

Kim: “We’re so proud of the swimwear collection and I think you guys are going to love it!! I’m wearing the blue ruffle bikini, which is one of my favorites!”

Kourtney: “Ready for summer in my Kardashian Kollection bikini! What do you guys think?”

Khloe: “Love this new pic of me and my sisters rocking our Kardashian Kollection swimwear line!!!!  So ready for summer!!!!!”

What I want to know is how this whole thing happens at all. I know that excessive Photoshopping is pretty much the norm nowadays, but how does it work? Do the models see the pictures and go “oh my gosh, no, edit out the majority of my body,” or do photographers and editors sit the models down and let them know that they plan on editing out the majority of their bodies? Do the models just assume that once the photos actually get to where they’re going they’ll inevitably be Photoshopped beyong recognition? Are the models ever upset about it, do they worry that they’re not pretty enough already, or is it just part of the procedure now? And lastly and most importantly, does anyone really think that we won’t notice?

Kim Kardashian Is Super Upset About The Whole Flour Thing

A photo of Kim Kardashian

Last week, Kim Kardashian was flour bombed. She was attending an event and someone crept up behind her and threw a big ol’ handful of flour at her back. At the time, Kim just laughed it off, but not anymore. No, because now, she’s very upset and she would like to press charges for the devastating attack.

Here’s Kim’s explanation:

“I said earlier no I wasn’t [going to file a complaint],” Kim said. “I am just going to think about it, because I don’t want someone to think they can really get away with that. So we are going to handle that.”

“Now that I think about it and had some time to digest it,” she added, “I think, ‘What if that was some other substance? What if that person had a dangerous weapon?’ It’s scary. And what’s even scarier is this woman acted as if she was a part of the press. She just came out of nowhere! And so we are definitely changing things up a little bit, amping up security, taking some measures, and…I’m gonna definitely deal with it because it is not acceptable.”

That’s actually pretty fair, and I imagine it would be scary to see that someone without the best intentions could get so close to you. It’s still just flour, but I get where Kim is coming from on that part.

Here’s where things really start to get fun though: the rumor is that the woman who threw the flour is actually an important member of PETA. Apparently the motive was to get back at Kim for wearing fur, and the woman even yelled “fur hag” at Kim while she was doing the deed. PETA is saying that they didn’t have anything to do with the incident, but they still gave a statement:

“If she presses charges, at least people will be constantly reminded of her selfish, callous disregard for the cruel deaths that she causes by wearing fur. How much better it would be if she decided to evolve and enhance her image by donating her vulgar furs and exotic-animal skins to the homeless. The activist acted from the heart, something Kim doesn’t seem to have. If anything, Kim should get a life, the very thing that she denies animals.”

Snap. Kim sure got told, didn’t she? PETA even offered to pay the mysterious flour bomber’s court fees, which is just so sweet.

But wait, there’s more! Since the gossip started that PETA was behind the whole thing, PETA activist and sister of the victim, Khloe Kardashian, has decided to cut all ties with PETA. Here’s her statement on that:

“Hi dolls. I’m sure you all heard what happened to Kim last week (thank you SO much for the love and support you all showed her), and I just received word that the woman responsible has very close ties to PETA, despite PETA publicly stating otherwise.

Not only has PETA lied to the public, but they have proved that they support this kind of behavior. I’ve been a vocal supporter of PETA for a long time but I have also been very vocal about anti-bullying, so this was a huge disappointment for me.

As you all know, I don’t condone violence and bullying and what happened last Thursday was just that. I am absolutely disgusted by their behavior. Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and opinions — I personally don’t wear fur but that doesn’t mean I am going to force my views on anyone else, ESPECIALLY by violating them.

I am a very proud sister right now, because Kim handled last week’s incident like a champ. She got cleaned up and was back out there in a matter of minutes. Go Kimmie!

We all need to practice what we preach. I will still continue to NOT wear fur, but I will no longer support PETA. Bullying and harassment is NEVER a solution, and I won’t be a part of any organization that thinks otherwise.”

Well, there you go! We’re all up to date on the flour drama, I believe. Was it as thrilling for you as it was for me?

Somebody Threw A Bunch of Flour on Kim Kardashian Last Night

A photo of Kim Kardashian

I’m not going to pretend to understand why some people do the things that they do. So much about human behavior baffles me, and it would take a whole lot more than a little intro paragraph for me to get into that. But I will say that while I don’t understand a whole lot of what people do, that doesn’t mean I can’t get any amusement from it.

Now cue the flour bomb on Kim Kardashian:

A photo of Kim Kardashian

Here’s the story from E!:

The reality star was doing interviews at a launch party held at the London Hotel in West Hollywood for her new fragrance True Reflection tonight, when—out of nowhere—a younger female fan (we guess you could call her that) threw an entire bag of flour on Kim.

Was she super P.O.’ed?

Not at all!

“That probably is the craziest, unexpected, weird thing that ever happened to me,” Kim told us. “Like I said to my makeup artist, I wanted more powder and that’s a whole lot of translucent powder right there,” she said, laughing off the entire ordeal.

Kris Jenner commented on the “festive” event, telling us, “If anybody comes at me with something, call security.”

Khloè Kardashian Odom was not at the event but tweeted, “I wish I was with my sister tonight. I bet you that woman wouldn’t have dared tried a thing…”

The mystery woman tried to run away, but Kardashian’s rep held her and security escorted her away. According to a press release from the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department, Kim did not want to press charges but a non-criminal battery report was still filed. The woman was later released.

Like a lady, Kim walked away calmly after the initial assault, got cleaned up and returned back to the carpet about 10 minutes later.

There’s no exact reasoning as to why this woman did what she did, but some media members said they heard her saying something about fur (uh-oh).

Regardless, everyone was cheering and applauding our Kimmy once she returned. What a good sport!

TMZ adds that the fire department was called to “examine the powder and deal with any possible danger,” as if anyone hated Kim Kardashian enough to throw a big ol’ handful of anthrax on her. On second thought

Speaking of throwing a handful of powder on someone, what is your stance on that? This is obviously less colorful than the far superior glitter bomb, but is anything like that ever ok? I think my hesitation to take one side or the other is because while glitter is one of my favorite things and I would love nothing more than to get a glitter bomb straight to the face, I would be mad pissed if some bitch came up and threw a handful of flour at my head. There would be serious words had with the woman that did that to me, so I guess I kind of have to hand it to Kim here for showing that much composure.

What do you guys think?