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Kim Kardashian

12Kheck Out the Kardashian’s Klassy Khristmas Kard for Khrist’s Sake, KKKKKKKKK

photo of kardashian christmas card pictures 2011 pics photos
Ugh. This is bad. This is so, so bad. This is definitely the worst Christmas card the Kardashians have had so far, and I’d know. We ran almost their entire collection here last year around this time.

So here it is. And for all of you lucky bastards out there who just love 3D, and who’re so rich (like the Kardashians) that you have stupid, senseless things around your house like 3D glasses, the shoot was done in 3D, TOO. You should probably play the lottery tonight, you know. This type of serendipity just doesn’t come along that often.

Me, I’m still trying to figure out the theme here. Is it “Have a Bad Photoshop Christmas”? Is it “Let’s pretend Kourtney has even half the ass that Kim does so happy holidays you bastard”? Is it “Ho! Ho! Ho! How ’bout we make Kris Humphries SOOOO JEALOUS that he missed the Christmas card by a few weeks by making the (cottage) cheese stand alone?” I don’t know. Maybe. My guess is that they were going for Marrakesh “classy” this time, but it never fails to amuse me that they confuse “classy” with “klassy,” and really, how appropriate is that?

Images via Celebuzz

December 19, 2011 at 3:30 pm by Sarah

7Can You Guess What Kim Kardashian Did with Her Wedding Gifts?

A photo of Kim Kardashian

As you all know, Kim Kardashian had a big fancy wedding and, as such, also had a big fancy registry. For instance, you could buy the happy couple a set of plates for only $12,000! But you also know that Kim’s marriage lasted just 72 days. So what happened to all those fancy gifts?

Surely she returned them, right? Her wedding guests received a package a couple months after the wedding that contained their diamond studded napkin rings with a note that said “LOL sorry about the sham of a wedding XOXOXOXOXO,” surely. Or, if not, Kim donated the items to charity. It has to be one of those.

Oh, you mean she just traded in a bunch of gifts and got Rolexes instead? That’s cool too, I guess.

December 15, 2011 at 5:30 pm by Emily
Filed Under: Kim Kardashian

8Kim Kardashian Opens Up About That Sex Tape

Ahem, again. I forgot “again.” Forgive me.

In the above clip with the rest of her female cronies, Kim sits with Barbara Walters, who paints a pretty unflattering (and vivid) picture of what really made Kim famous. Hint? It’s got all to do with riding some shitty, forgettable rapper’s dong and nothing to do with the fact that she’s an “entrepreneur.”

I also love how Kim’s twat mother is completely unashamed of the fact that she and her family hired an attorney to profit off of her daughter’s skanky, piss-filled sex tape in the most beneficial way possible. I mean, we all knew that, but it takes some serious spotted gonads to admit it to the ever-classy Barbara Walters.

Talk about seedy, man. SEEDY.

December 15, 2011 at 9:30 am by Sarah
Filed Under: Kim Kardashian

1Memo to the Kardashians: Barbara Walters is ONTO YOU.

Did you know that Barbara put the Kardashians (all of ‘em) on her Most Fascinating People list this year? Well, back when she made the list, she didn’t realize how “fascinating” (and by “fascinating,” I mean “crummy, turncoat moneygrubbers”) they were – at least until Kim’s marriage to Kris Humphries imploded for entertainment purposes.

Barb was a guest on Dave Letterman‘s show last night, where she talked about feeling hoodwinked by the tumultuous trio and realized that she couldn’t trust them. If you can’t view the above video, here’s the crux of Barbara’s comments:

“They [the Kardashians] were the first ones we interviewed [for the Most Fascinating List] and we did them in September. We said, anything going to happen? ‘No no no, you can do it now because nothing’s going to happen.’ Then Kim gets married. Then Kourtney gets pregnant. Then Khloe’s moving to Dallas. You cannot trust the Kardashians.”

I’m just surprised that someone as well-spoken and tactile as Barbara WALTERS only just now realized that you can’t trust those who shit where they eat. Christ.

Forget the Lion King – it’s the Kardashians who are dangling at the bottom of the food chain.

December 14, 2011 at 11:30 am by Sarah

3What The World Needs Now Is Another Kardashian Spin-Off

A photo of Kylie Jenner and Kendall Jenner

Yes, a spin-off with those two little ones, that’ll do the trick! Oh, and one with the boy! And now that Khloe‘s Laker man, Lamar, got traded to the Dallas Mavericks, somebody with a camera should follow them on down to Texas! The Kardashian empire has just begun to take hold!

For real, this is all happening. See, there’s a new boss over at E!, home of the Kardashians, and she isn’t content with the three measly shows the family has now. No, she’s aiming for “two, three, even four new Kardashian spin-offs” that focus on all the crazy antics of this “beautiful” and “interesting” family. Yes, this lady called the Kardashians beautiful and interesting.

You know, I’ve been enjoying the Kardashians lately – I watched pretty much the entirety of Keeping Up with the Kardashians and I just started on Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami because it’s fun for me to watch every single trainwreck take place and it makes me giggle that people that stupid actually exist in real life – but I think we’re in a good place right now. I don’t think we need up to four new television programs about this family, do you?

December 14, 2011 at 6:30 am by Emily

10Who’s Buying The Kardashian Nail Polish?

I think a better question would be who isn’t buying the Kardashian nail polish! With color names like “Sealed with a Kris,” “Kim-pletely in Love,” “Khloe Had a Little Lam-Lam,” and “Listen to Your Momager,” these nail polishes will practically sell themselves.

Even more good news: all the Kardashian ladies – Kim, Khloe, Kourtney, Kris, Kendall, and Kylie – are all in on the deal. The deal which earned these lovely women $600,000 up front to be split evenly between them. And yes, that means that 16-year-old Kendall and 14-year-old Kylie just made $100,000. How does that feel?

One more question: can anyone tell me a nail polish brand that isn’t ridiculously expensive that also won’t chip off five seconds after it dries? Does that exist?

December 7, 2011 at 7:30 am by Emily