Video is pretty NSFW for language – so don’t say I didn’t warn you!
Here’s the transcript from the video, in case some of you couldn’t (or wouldn’t) watch the clip, based on what it actually is:
[Dolphin screams "Bitch!"]
Advice for Kris Humphries and her, uh, Kim Kardashian: the first advice is, you dumb ass n-gga, you shouldn’t have tried to wife the bitch, man. She’s not that type of a ho. She gets around, man, you see when Reggie [Bush] took the bitch to Africa, she was looking at the Africans ’cause they had bigger dicks than him. He didn’t know how to act afterwards, they sent his ass to Miami. Ray-J the only n-gga that bounced back from the bitch, man. She’s cold-blooded. I’m pretty sure she have a book in a month, talking about all the n-ggas she got and how she played ‘em. My advice is, look. You can’t make a ho a housewife. Don’t try to reinvent the wheel. Let her do what she was born to do. HO. Yeah. HO. Punk bitch.
[Dolphin screams "Bitch!" again]
That should pretty much sum up what Snoop Dogg here thinks of Kim Kardashian. Or rather, what the entire world probably thinks of her. The funny thing, however, is that, given the chance, Snoop would still probably hit it. With another brother’s dick, all triple-wrapped and stuff, but he’d still be all about it, more than likely. If you take all of the nasty away from Kim Kardashian and her conniving ways and her beat-up kitty cat, she’s still a pretty alluring chick, but then again, if you take all that stuff away, then she wouldn’t be Kim Kardashian – she’d be, like, Princess f-cking Jasmine or something, you know?
January 27, 2012 at 4:30 pm by Sarah
I know, right? Ugh. But before we get into things, can we take a real quick moment to discuss why women with bigger hips probably should reconsider wearing high waisted pants? Because it looks absurd. It’s not cute, it’s not fashionable, it’s just silly. Has Kim always made these awful choices in clothing, or am I just starting to notice it now because I’m just now starting to actively dislike her?
Ok, now that we have that quick fashion chat out of the way, let me fill you guys in on how Kim Kardashian is such a control freak that she told Kris Humphries exactly how he needed to propose to her:
Kris Humphries has told his inner circle of trusted friends and family that his soon-to-be ex-wife, Kim Kardashian, planned his weddingproposal to her, which was filmed for Keeping Up with the Kardashians, RadarOnline.com is exclusively reporting.
In the latest example of staging, cameras captured Humphries proposing to Kardashian in the bedroom of her mansion. Kris had wanted to propose to Kim in Minnesota, but he had absolutely no control over how it all went down.
“Kim told Kris how, where and when to propose, it was absolutely no surprise to her whatsoever”, a source close to the situation tells RadarOnline.com exclusively.
“First of all, Kris proposed in the middle of the day, and he had to do that because it would create better lighting to capture the moment. Kim looked so surprised but she knew it was happening,” the source says. “She was in full hair and make-up, as she always is on the show. Kris wanted it to be very intimate and romantic, but all of his ideas were shot down by production officials and Kim.
“Kim told him the paparazzi would ruin the special moment if it were to take place in a public setting, like the beach, which he had also considered. How romantic could it be with three camera crews?”
Now, usually if there was some regular old story where “a source close to the situation” was making all these claims, I’d be a little hesitant to sign on so quickly. But how completely believable is this? It’s so believable that I bet many of you probably just assumed that this is how it happened anyway, right? Poor Kris Humphries. Sure, he seems like kind of a douche, but at least he seems like a genuine douche, which, to me, is better than a fake sweetheart any day.
Speaking of being a fake sweetheart, have you guys been watching Kourtney and Kim Take New York? Because I have, and knowing that many of you guys have not, I’ll catch you up. See, last week’s episode showed Kim going to Dubai with her mom, Kris Jenner. This happened in mid-October, presumably a couple of weeks before the divorce. There’s a scene where Kim and Kris are riding in a car, and Kris is like “are you excited to get home to Kris?” and Kim is like “ummmm….” Kim asks if it’s normal to feel relieved about being away from your new husband, and Kris tells her it’s not. Kimmy is troubled.
But she’s not! Because that wasn’t even real!
As RadarOnline.com previously reported, Kim and Kris Jenner had an emotional heart-to-heart chat about the breakdown of Kim’s marriage in a recent episode of Kourtney & Kim Take New York which was set when the women were in Dubai.
Only it wasn’t! The women were in Dubai in October, and the “heart to heart” scene was actually shot in December and edited into the episode!
In photos taken of the pair on December 6, as they exited a TV studio, Kim is dressed in the exact outfit, with the same hair style and earrings, as she is seen wearing in the scene supposedly shot in mid-October in Dubai. And mom Kris was followed out of the studio by an assistant carrying the purple kaftan-style dress she is seen wearing in the back of the limo.
Before last week’s episode aired, Humphries sent out a cryptic tweet: “I can’t wait for the truth to come out! People will be surprised or maybe they won’t. #FCC.”
Man. I know the word is that they’re editing the show to make Kris Humphries look like the bad guy, but I don’t think it’s working, do you?
January 16, 2012 at 2:30 pm by Emily
“Kim is the home wrecker, I’m not the home wrecker. I don’t date men in relationships; I don’t do that to other women. I got frustrated and I said it, [OK?]. I feel like Kim and her family, they manipulate the media and they want people to believe what they want them to believe. I just had to put the truth out there and I had to get it off my chest.”
Anyway, if you’re completely in the dark about what Amber’s talking about, it’s the fact that Kim Kardashian allegedly horned in on Amber and Kanye’s relationship and made the move to hook up with him despite the fact that he had a long-term girlfriend at the time. If that’s what you can call Amber Rose, I don’t know. I don’t remember much of their relationship other than a bunch of unsuitable-for-work photos of the two of them, like, practically getting it on in public and how she was this veritable nobody ’til Kanye did his rescue bit and brought her into the spotlight or whatever. Then there were those unbelievable nudes (whose variety of angles you’ll recognize if you’ve ever seen a minute of porn, but generally not when it comes to those Classy Celebrity Nudes).
So right. Back topic here, of course. Remember earlier in the month Emily told you that Amber made those crazy “Kim Kardashian broke up my relationship with Yeezy?” and people were all like, “Amber Rose, shut up, you’re just as big of a ho”? Well, Amber’s not backing down from her original comments calling Kim a ho-bag, and even now, after being questioned on her original Kim-bashing motives, she sticks to her guns and it turns out that she really IS kind of the first “celebrity” to fully speak out about the ridiculousness that happens whenever Kim tries to get her way (hint: she gets her way). Unless, of course, you count Michael Buble, who was pretty vague in his insults, simply calling Kim a “bitch.” Amber Rose don’t play that shit, fool.
So, woo! Amber Rose, go you. Even though you’re a total troll in your own right, I’d still rather see you publicity’d out everywhere instead of … well, you know. Her.
January 13, 2012 at 3:30 pm by Sarah
Me, I picked Courtney Stodden. Not only is she a true American, as you can see in the classy photo above, but we could trade makeup tips, she could show me where to get cool and stylish arm bands, and I could figure out the best, most tactful way to tell her that none of her shoes fit and it looks gross. Yes, Courtney Stodden would make a fine, fine neighbor.
But you know what? Apparently this real estate blog called Zillow does this survey every year in which they ask people which celebrity they would most like to have as a neighbor and which celebrity would be the absolute worst neighbor. And you know who was named the most desirable neighbor? The person who most people would want to have next door? Tim Tebow. Ugh, can you imagine? How boring. I’d be like “Tim, if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times, if you’re going to kneel and pray again, do it in your own damn yard.”
Still, good ol’ Tebow managed to bring in 11% of votes. Brad and Angelina weren’t far behind though: they got 10%. Following Brangelina was Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux at 9%, Jennifer Lopez with 6%, Beyonce and Jay-Z with 5%, and for whatever reason, Nancy Grace and Kim Kardashian tied with 4% of the votes. The remainder of the vote was split between “other” and “none of the above,” though I can’t figure out why the survey would have both of those choices.
But what about the survey for the least desirable neighbor? How would that vote turn out? For me, my neighbors in real life have had loud screaming matches that I can hear every word of from my apartment (it’s two couples living in a two bedroom apartment, and one of the dudes has a lady on the side that his lady in the apartment has a pretty good idea about), they do laundry for 40 hours straight (I counted), and they left dog feces wrapped in a napkin in front of our window, and that was just this week! So I can’t really think of any celebrity worse than that, so … wait. Courtney Love sets things on fire in her home. That might be worse.
According to America, however, the cast of Jersey Shore win the highest honors with 28% of voters naming them the worst neighbors. Next is Charlie Sheen with 21%, Lindsay Lohan with 14%, Kim Kardashian with 13%, Nancy Grace and Brad and Angelina are tied at 3%, Anthony Weiner had 2% of votes, and the rest, again, were either “other” or “none of the above.”
But what about you, friends? Is there any celebrity that you think would be a delight to have as a neighbor, or any that would be absolutely horrible? Are you still trying to figure out why any number of people would want to live next to Jennifer Lopez? Because I’m there too. We don’t have to be alone in this.
January 7, 2012 at 6:00 am by Emily
My general stance on Amber Rose is “who?” Any time I come across a story about her or some photos, I typically just skip it and go on ahead to the next story. I know, this girl shows her vagina off like it’s a new pair of shoes, and she’s wacky enough to claim that Kanye West saved her life, but I don’t know, I just can’t. I just can’t make myself get interested in this girl.
But you guys, this time, Amber Rose is talking some mad trash about Kim Kardashian, and, in case you haven’t noticed, that’s one of my favorite things to do right now! That’s why I took the time to read this crazy story about how Kim cheated on Reggie Bush with Kanye West, who was dating Amber Rose at the time. It’s a lot, I know, but I think it’s worth it.
“Kim is one of the main reasons why me and Kanye are not together,” Amber exclusively told Star. “She’s a homewrecker!”
According to Amber, she was dating Kanye when he and Kim first hooked up — and Kim was dating NFL star Reggie Bush!
“They were both cheating,” Amber, 28, said. “They were both cheating on me and Reggie with each other.”
Amber says it was Kim, 31, who instigated the whole affair by calling, texting and sending racy photos of herself to Kanye.
“She was sending pictures, and I was like, ‘Kim, just stop. Don’t be that person,’” but apparently Kim didn’t care enough to respond when Amber emailed her for an explanation.
“I thought at least she’d be woman enough to respond to me. She never responded.”
Amber slammed Kim for her cheating ways. “It’s very important that us women stick together and we don’t f*ck each other over like that.”
Have you ever wondered how many times Kim Kardashian has heard that in her life? ”Kim, just stop. Don’t be that person.” It paints this really amusing but disturbing picture of Kim as this creepy woman child who just does what she wants without taking time to consider anyone or anything else. Wait …
In other Kardashian news, you remember when I told you about how Kim desperately wanted to be Barbie’s BFF? It turns out that, like most of Kim’s dealings, this attempt at a relationship was all part of a new business venture. See, later this year, we’re all going to be graced with Kourtney, Khloe, and Kim Barbies! Can you believe it?! You can just hop on down to your local retailer and purchase one of these “Dash dolls,” who “will be outfitted in fashions tied into looks you can buy at the Kardashians’ Dash boutiques.” Are you too excited? Because I’m too excited.
January 4, 2012 at 4:30 pm by Emily
I never bother making New Year’s resolutions. I’m always of the opinion that if there’s something that needs to be done in my life, I’m just going to do it then, you know? Like if I need to change how I’m doing something or if I want to make some new friends or whatever, unless I come to that conclusion on December 31st, I’m going to go ahead and take care of business. I know a lot of people see the new year as a fresh start and all, and I won’t begrudge you that, but these resolutions just aren’t my scene.
You know who is into making New Year’s resolutions though? Kim Kardashian. I know that you and I both could think of a number of things she could aim to do differently this year, but let’s let Kimmy speak first, all right?
From Us Magazine:
The 31-year-old reality star told Us Weekly Saturday at Tao Nightclub in Las Vegas that she’s excited about “moving forward and not looking back.”
“I think a good lesson I learned about myself is to always follow your heart, and I think I’ll never stop doing that,” she said. “[I'm looking forward to] just having a really good 2012 and soaking in all the lessons learned in 2011. That’s it. Simple.”
She also told the magazine that after her divorce, she “took off for two months” and set up shop down at Kris Jenner‘s place until things started to blow over a little. She said that she “didn’t wear a stitch of makeup” for those two months, and that she “really enjoyed that.” That’s perfectly fine, but let’s get back to Kim’s dumb ass plans for 2012.
How do you “move forward and not look back” while “soaking in all the lessons learned in 2011″? How does one possibly do that? I actually took some time to try to come up with some examples of how this is possible, because, after all, I don’t want to believe that Kim Kardashian is this stupid, but I really couldn’t come up with any. I think at this point Kim just says words. She’s the girl, you all know That Girl, who always has something really inspirational and positive and intelligent to say, and she says it so earnestly, but when she’s done, you’re just like “awww, honey, no. Thank you, but no. Reread that story from Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul and try again.”
Meanwhile, I started coming up with some resolutions that I think would benefit Kim greatly. Do you want to hear them? So far, I have “develop a personality that isn’t centered around your ass,” “get some grace,” and “become Amber Portwood’s BFF.” Do you guys have any other ones you’d like to add? Or do you have any resolutions of your own that you’d like to declare? Now’s the time!