Ahem. By the numbers, now, shall we?
:32 (this is going to be a long one, guys). Already I want to kill myself. How am I going to make it through the remaining four-plus minutes? Pack it in and hold on folks.
:55. Who are the wannabe-Kardashians? And why would anyone WANT to be a Kardashian?
1:11. KIM. PUT YOUR ASS AWAY.
1:18. Scott Disick is officially an embarrassment to all white men ’round the world.
1:22. KIM. WE KNOW IT’S YOU. PUT YOUR ASS AWAY.
1:27. Weird Kardashian brother. Stop pretending that you don’t want to hump Kim’s ass, weird Kardashian brother.
1:33. MY EYES! I’M F-CKING BLIND! BLIND! BLIND!!!!!!!!
2:12. … Still recovering. And only Kim Kardashian would spray tan in the Dominican Republic.
2:27. Told you it was Kim’s ass.
2:40. “Have sex on rugs that’s Persian.” Let me guess: YOU’RE PERSIAN, KIM, AREN’T YOU.
3:15. One of those Jenner girls probably has skin cancer today.
3:16. … And Bruce Jenner was definitely about to slap her ass.
3:22. Wait. Where’s Khloe and Lamar?
3:56. Why can’t this ship just sink?
4:13. Wait. Kourtney’s water just broke? LIARS.
4:17. Kris Jenner is really classy spouting “motherf-cker” all over the place.
And that, guys? Is how you get shit done on a Sunday morning. Dear God.
June 3, 2012 at 8:00 am by Sarah
Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are scheduled to have their depositions taken in their ongoing divorce proceedings at the end of June, RadarOnline.com is exclusively reporting.
As we previously reported, Humphries’ lawyer plans on asking Kim about her decision to keep the $325k white Ferrari that was given to the former couple by a wealthy Malaysian businessman as a wedding gift, amongst other matters vexing her soon-to-be ex-husband.
Kardashian filed for divorce after only 72 days of marriage, and has since moved on to date Kanye West.
“Kim’s deposition will take place at her lawyerLaura Wasser’s office at the end of June and Kris’ attorney Lee Hutton will do the majority of the questioning,” a source close to the former couple tells RadarOnline.com. “The deposition is scheduled to last for an entire day. Kris’ deposition will take place in Minnesota towards the end of June also and Kim’s attorney will have to fly from California for that. Kris lives in Minnesota during the off season and this is where his attorney is based. His deposition is also scheduled to take a full business day.”
As RadarOnline.com previously reported, Kris is pushing hard for their divorce case to go to trial and for cameras to be allowed to film the proceedings, something the usually publicity-hungry Kardashian is vehemently against.
“Kim is just livid that she has to be deposed. She has tried to get out of it, but there is no way she can,” the source says. “Kris is ready for his deposition to be taken and just wants the truth to get out about what really happened when they were dating and after the wedding,” the source says.
Despite all the hours I’ve spent watching Law and Order: SVU, I actually don’t know all that much about law. Shocking, right? But I know that some of you are much more knowledgeable than I am in this area, so just give it to me straight: am I going to be able to hear every single thing that Kim and Kris discuss in these depositions? They’re supposed to spend an entire business day each talking about their relationship and the divorce, so are they going to video it and release it on E! or something? Can I at least read some notes about it? Because I am dying to hear Kris talk about Kim for eight hours.
June 1, 2012 at 4:30 pm by Emily
Kim Kardashian and Kayne West have both discreetly listed their homes for sale, setting the stage for the big, “We’re movin’ in together” … TMZ has learned.
Kim has given a “pocket listing” to a realtor for her $4.8 mil Beverly Hills home — a pocket listing doesn’t appear in official real estate documents. We’re told Kim’s asking price is $5 million.
Ditto Kanye, who listed his L.A. home as well — again, a pocket listing.
Sources close to the couple confirm … both are selling their homes so they can rent a house together. They’re looking for a really private place to live … behind gates.
So this means that they’re moving in together. It has to. Unless they’re making a suicide pact, and, in which case I would not advise them upon one way or the other, there’s no other reason for both of them to be completely dropping off the real estate grid unless they were going to embark upon a joint venture. Together. Which is guess is redundant, since I already said “joint.” But it is what it is.
I’m also hearing rumors that the two are going to get married, soon, too, and it’s probably going to be a very private, low-key affair*. And that Kanye is just dying to knock Kim up. From Us Weekly:
“They’re seriously talking marriage…and yes, she would,” they said.
As we saw during Kim’s shortlived marriage to Kris Humphries, who she’s still waiting to divorce, the reality star was desperate to start a family, and Kanye could be that man to finally give her what she wants.
“Kanye can’t wait to see her carrying his child,” the insider said. “He says she will look beautiful pregnant.”
Oh. Well, that’s good then. I mean, Kanye does seem the type to really concentrate on what his wife/babymama looks like while she’s pregnant. Honestly, f-ck the whole “healthy” thing. As long as the bitch looks good with a swollen Kanye-baby belly, that’s all that really matters in the world. Priorities priorities, folks.
*Of course it’s not going to be private or low-key. We’re talking about Kim Kardashian and Kanye f-cking West here. If you look up those two names in the dictionary, under “antonyms,” you’ll see “private” and “low-key,” along with “classy,” “tasteful,” and “genteel.”
May 31, 2012 at 2:30 pm by Sarah
“Yeah, but they’re lying while that video is being made. The act is in itself a lie. You’re faking something. The girl is lying there, she’s pretending that she doesn’t know the camera’s on, she’s getting banged, and “accidentally” it leaks out? Everyone leaks their own sex tapes! That’s a ploy to get famous—that’s not about the sex. It’s not like when Madonna did her Sex book, and it was an artistic endeavor where she acknowledged it and spoke about it and was so upfront about it. It’s different. It’s not upfront. It’s not honest. It’s a ploy to get famous.”
OK, so she wasn’t *directly* talking about Kim Kardashian, but I’m going to draw that line and make the connection, because really. Who else out there is only famous because of some skanky, piss-filled sex tape? Come on.
Also, Kristen‘s right. Granted, she’s wearing her Captian Obvious underoos the whole time she’s discussing this particular subject (the moral of the story is “People just wanna be famous and ZOMG SEX”), but hey. We’re going to take it and keep it filed away in our admiration drawers, because not many celebrities have this elevated self-awareness that allows them to talk sense—even if it is obvious sense.
May 31, 2012 at 9:30 am by Sarah
I know, I know, we’ve heard before that Beyonce is not at all interested in becoming besties, or even acquaintances, with Kim Kardashian. We’ve heard that even though Kim is dating Kanye, the BFF of Beyonce’s husband, Jay-Z, Beyonce has made a “No Kardashians Allowed” rule. We’ve heard a lot of things, you guys, but none of it’s true. No, Kim and Beyonce are totally friends. Got it?
From Us Weekly:
After touring Cannes, France last week and unexpectedly parting with some ”sentimental” items in her luggage, Kim Kardashian was looking to let loose.
Before making an appearance at The Pool After Dark at Harrah’s resort in Atlantic City, NJ on Sunday, the Keeping Up with the Kardashians star made a beeline for Beyonce’s concert with pal Brittny Gastineau and her makeup artist Mario at Revel’s Ovation Hall. Kardashian and Gastineau enjoyed a night of dancing and singing along with the songstress’ chart-topping hits.
Backstage, Kardashian, 31, got a chance to chat with the woman of the evening herself, and the pair were seen greeting each other with an embrace and dancing together. Beyonce’s husband of four years, Jay-Z, is best friends with Kanye West, Kardashian’s serious boyfriend.
“Kim thought it was such a great show,” a source tells Us Weekly. “There’s always some random rumors there is tension between them and there totally isn’t! Kim had so much fun.”
The E! star is one of several A-listers who made it out to Beyonce’s four-concert weekend, which marked her post-baby performance debut since giving birth to daughter Blue Ivy in January.
On Saturday, First Lady Michelle Obama, 48, and her daughters Malia, 13, and Sasha, 10, watched the show from a private box where they did the “Single Ladies” dance together and rocked out to “Crazy in Love.” Oprah’s BFF Gayle King sat nearby.
Ok, I have a few thoughts on this story, so I’ll go ahead and break them down:
- Those “sentimental items” that Kim lost? She’s saying that it was a pair of vintage sunglasses that her father gave her just before he died, and that the airline’s employees stole them, along with some items that were less sentimental and more expensive. Obviously she has a right to be upset about it, but why would you take something that means so much to you when you’re going to be doing a lot of flying?
- Does anyone else think that the source sounds suspiciously like Kim herself? Totally.
- This article seriously called Kim Kardashian an A-lister. No.
- Where do I get a video of Michelle Obama doing the “Single Ladies” dance?
Did I miss anything?
May 30, 2012 at 2:30 pm by Emily
We’ve talked about Kim Kardashian‘s fashion choices a few times this week, remember? Specifically, we talked about how she seemed to be developing a trend of wearing memorable dresses that other celebrities wore before her. First there was her Gwyneth Paltrow dress, and then she stepped out in Cannes wearing the same dress that had been worn before by Zoe Saldana, Alessandra Ambrosio, and Katy Perry (not at the same time, of course, but if someone could draw that picture, that would be awesome). But now there’s some news that reveals that Kanye is really the one to blame for the bad fashion. Natch.
From the Daily News:
Rapper-turned-fashion-designer Kanye West has been giving Kim Kardashian some fashion advice.
“Kanye has been having chats with Kim about her style. He thinks she should be more like him, edgy with her choices. He keeps saying she should evolve as a fashion icon,” thesun.co.uk quoted a source as saying.
Kim ran a clothing boutique with her sisters Kourtney and Khloe Kardashian as well as her mother Kris Jenner before finding fame. She has also created a successful apparel line named Kardashian Kollection.
However, West thinks Kim needs to be more adventurous with the image.
“Kanye says she plays it safe too much so has been trying to pick outfits for her to wear and encourage her to be more daring,” the source said.
Rapper-turned-fashion designer Kanye West prefers his rumoured girlfriend Kim Kardashian to sport a natural look a la Duchess of Cambridge Catherine Middleton. The rapper has been advising his reality TV star girlfriend’s style team on how he wants her to look, with Middleton as a reference point.”Kanye does like to get involved with Kim’s look. He actually has a lot of input, he has amazing style so we take his opinions to heart and I say, ‘Okay, I’ll try it’,” femalefirst.co.uk quoted Kardashian’s stylist Rob Scheppy as saying.
“Catherine Middleton has influenced her look while in London. Catherine’s amazing. We watched her wedding and we thought it was beautiful,” he said.
West, who has his own women’s fashion line DW Kanye West, is not afraid to speak his mind, and dislikes it if Kardashian wears too much make-up.
“Kanye’s not afraid to say what he likes. He definitely likes the less-is-more look. Everyone wants to look good for their man, so Kim will listen and say, ‘Okay. I’ll go with what my boyfriend says’,” Scheppy added.
Ok, first off, no, everyone does not want to look good for their man. Sometimes people want to be comfortable, and sometimes people want to look how they want to look. I get wanting to get dressed up every now and again, but if your significant other would think less of you because of your makeup or your clothes, then maybe you should find a different significant other. Also, Kim’s been modeling and “designing clothes” for quite a while, and she’s basically famous because people thinks she looks good, so I think she’s got this whole area covered.
Besides, is anyone actually going to take Kanye seriously when it comes to fashion? Did everyone forget what his actual designs look like?