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Kim Kardashian

Kim Kardashian Megapost: Name changes, fat asses and more!

kim kardashian west

I’m trying to be helpful here and show mercy here by condensing all the Kim Kardashian news you can handle into one post instead of spreading it throughout the day, because that’s just cruel. I couldn’t do it to you. So let’s just get down to the nitty gritty, shall we?

First order of business: Kim “officially” changed her legal last name to West, apparently. She announced this on Instagram, as you do, with the photo above – which she claims is her new passport photo, by the way. Like, what? Considering the photo is about 80% forehead and it’s clearly taken from above, I’m not quite sure it’s legal to use it on a passport, but whatever. She’s said before that her name is her brand so she couldn’t really change it, so I’m imagining this is just for documentation purposes and she will not be Kim West anytime soon in public. Also, for someone so rich, she sure is bad at contouring. Disaster!

kim kardashian kylie jenner

The other story is that Kim went on Twitter and started whining about how fat she is and how she desperately needs to get skinny again and is going off carbs so she can get rid of her big ass and hips and get back to her pre-baby weight. She even put a photo of herself at dinner with sister Kylie Jenner, admonishing her for “trying to make [her] eat carbs”. Insert eyeroll here.

kim kardashian diet

kim kardashian diet 2

kim kardashian diet 3

Why do I feel like she’s finally starting to regret shooting fat into her ass at the cosmetic surgeon’s office a few years back to get the legendary Kim Kardashian backside? Look, Kim Kardashian is not fat, and she knows she’s not fat – she’s carrying on like that in a public forum for attention because that’s the name of the game. But seriously, if she really is feeling the pressure all of a sudden to lose more weight, I have a sneaking suspicion that’s coming from Kanye “my woman is the most perfect in the world” West.

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Justin Bieber wants to f*ck Kris Jenner, apparently

justin bieber kris jenner

It was a star-studded event in Ibiza the other night for Italian fashion designer Riccardo Tisci‘s birthday party. By “star-studded”, I mean a bunch of washed up supermodels and wannabes (nearly the entire Kardashian / Jenner family was there, for example) taking too many Instagram pictures to prove how awesome and special their lives are. Justin Bieber was there, too, and took a ton of pictures with the aforementioned Kardash/Jenner clan. The above photo, for instance, was posted along with the caption: “@kendalljenner @kyliejenner who’s your daddy”, which… no. Just no. I don’t even want to pretend or joke about Justin Bieber fucking Kris Jenner, thank you.

While it’s all fun and games to joke about sleeping with someone nearly 3 times your age, Justin might actually be having a relationship with the one member of the family who seems to hate the others: Kendall Jenner.  Word on the street (internet) is that they had a nice hook-up, but not for the first time, because I think they were linked several months ago, as well (or am I just confusing Justin with Harry Styles?).

From Page Six:

While Bloom was turned away from Tisci’s party, Bieber, 20, seemed to score with Kardashian’s sister, Kendall, 19.

Spies at the Beats by Dre-hosted bash said “they were flirting all night” and left together. “Bieber looked like he didn’t have a care in the world.”

Kendall, girl, you were just getting likeable. Don’t do it to yourself.

kendall jenner justin bieber

Meanwhile, Kim Kardashian tried to stay relevant by posting endless amounts of photos of herself looking like an extra from Willy Wonka, leading her followers to ask why she doesn’t seem to spend a single minute with her infant child rather than traipsing around the world partying.

kardashian jenner

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North West learns how to walk so she can get away from Kim Kardashian

kim kardashian north west

North West recently celebrated her first birthday – they grow up so fast, don’t they?! – and she’s learning how to walk. Apparently after a swim lesson yesterday, she took her first steps, prompting Kim Kardashian to post the above photo on Instagram to share her happy news and say how proud she and Kanye are of their daughter.

I’m actually surprised Kim didn’t miss North’s first steps because she was too busy taking pictures of her own ass. Small miracles.

Now that North can walk, however, that means she’ll be able to run, soon. Once she can, I recommend she runs straight out the front door of their house and as far away from her insane parents as possible.

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Kim Kardashian is a dinosaur, Kanye West is a blowfish

kanye west

Don’t worry if you were as confused at reading that headline as I was writing it – it’s to be expected, considering who we’re talking about here. In Kanye West‘s new GQ profile, he spouts a lot of bullshit. Par for the course, right? But here’s something you probably didn’t expect: in the interview, he compares Kim Kardashian to a dinosaur (“in a good way”) and himself to a blowfish. I’ll let you read and enjoy:

Why’d you decide to get married?
Saying “Hey, I like Kim” isn’t as inspiring to people as us getting married. And anyone that’s in a relationship knows that in order to get to the point to get married and then to be married and to then carry on, it needs that work put into it. Right now, people look at it and it’s like, “Wow, that’s inspiring.” Meaning that love is infectious. You know, God is infectious—God flowing through us and us being little-baby creators and shit. But His energy and His love and what He wants us to have as people and the way He wants us to love each other, that is infectious. Like they said in Step Brothers: Never lose your dinosaur. This is the ultimate example of a person never losing his dinosaur. Meaning that even as I grew in cultural awareness and respect and was put higher in the class system in some way for being this musician, I never lost my dinosaur.

Kim is this girl who fucking turns me on. I love her. This is who I want to be next to and be around. And then people would try to say, “Well, you know, if you’re a musician, you should be with a musician, and if you want to design, you need to be with a girl from the design world.” I don’t give a fuck about people’s opinions. Because when a kid falls in love with an airplane or a bike or a dinosaur—especially if you’re an only child and it’s not because of the book that the sibling was reading—it’s like, fuck, you mean to tell me that the dinosaurs walked the earth and stuff like that?! That’s amazing! You mean to tell me that these giant multi-ton crafts can fly that fast and that loud, and they can flip, and there’s danger, the possibility of them exploding? That’s fucking cool! You mean to tell me that this girl with this fucking body and this face is also into style, and she’s a nice person, and she has her own money and is family-oriented? That’s just as cool as a fucking fighter jet or dinosaur! And just as rarely seen.

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA Sorry, I just had to interrupt for that. Kim is as cool as fighter jets and dinosaurs? I just… sorry, I’ll let you continue.

Does that kind of mockery feel like an effort to de-fang you?
But also, there’s no fangs. I don’t have fangs. I’m a porcupine. I’m a blowfish. Like, I’m a—what’s the fish that blows up?

A blowfish?
Yeah. I’m a blowfish. I’m not a shark, I’m a blowfish. So that perfect example about me hitting my head, it’s like a blowfish. I wasn’t coming out of my house going to a paparazzi’s house to attack them. I’m defending my family in front of my own house. I’m defending my name as someone’s screaming something negative at me. That’s a blowfish. People have me pinned as a shark or a predator in some way, and in no way am I that. I wouldn’t want to hurt anyone. I want to defend people. I want to help people.

Whatever, man. I’m always rendered speechless when I hear/read/see what comes out of this guy’s mouth. It’s a whole new level of insanity.

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Kim Kardashian loves her ass more than her baby

kim kardashian ass

Alright, alright, I know I’m being a bit sensationalist here, but seriously, could the woman spend any more time photographing her own ass? The amount of time it must take to snap pictures of Kim Kardashian‘s butt and then Photoshop must really cut into her time with her daughter.

Of course, she’d like us to believe it’s all hard work at the gym that gives her that 100% “natural” backside, so she posted the above photo on Instagram with the caption, “Gym time while my baby is napping!” Yeah, okay.

I swear if she spent half the time parenting as she does admiring her own reflection, that kid might have half a chance in life. Or maybe not… I forgot who poor North West‘s mother actually is, for a second there. She’d probably do better being raised by wolves.

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I don’t think Kim Kardashian knows what “lady lumps” are

Kim Kardashian mexico

Unsurprisingly, Kim Kardashian continues to prove to us on a daily basis just how slow she is, mentally speaking. Yesterday, she took to Instagram to post more pictures of her ass as she vacationed in Mexico, and she captioned it with “#ourlovelyladylumps”, which… last time I checked, is extremely incorrect. Shocker!

Here’s another shot, just because you haven’t seen Kim Kardashian’s ass enough times in your life already.

kim kardashian ass

As some commenters were pointing out on these photos, it’s almost like she cares about her ass more than she does about her child. I don’t know if these pics are evidence of that, per se – maybe she simply doesn’t want to share her infant’s face non-stop with the public to open the kid up to scrutiny. Still, I definitely think her head is too far up her own ass to be parenting a child. I guess it’s lucky that she can afford others to do it for her, then.

Kim Kardashian set to make $85 million from her iPhone game

kim kardashian hollywood

Okay, I’m going to make a confession here because it’s a safe space (no it’s not – feel free to make fun of me): I’ve downloaded the Kim Kardashian: Hollywood app and I’ve played it to the point of reaching the celeb A-List. I even paid real live dollars (not many, but still) to buy more K-Stars to trade in for more K-Energy so I could continue photo shoots after my free allotment had run out. It’s a disease.

Seems like I’m not the only sucker, however, as she’s apparently going to make $85 million off this piece of shit game. That’s more than she made all last year from everything she did combined. Whaaaat?

From TMZ:

Sources familiar with the deal tell TMZ … Kim’s cut is 45% of net profits.  The game — “Kim Kardashian: Hollywood” — is set to gross a reported $200 million this year alone.

We’re told the actual expenses associated with the business are relatively low.  A straight 45% cut of $200 million totals a whopping $90 million.  Industry sources tell TMZ … expenses would not exceed $10 million.

So … we’re no mathematicians, but 45% of $190 million is $85.5 MILLION FREAKING DOLLARS.

To put this in context … according to Forbes, Kim made $28 million last year.

So ridiculous. I was just bored and stupid. What’s everyone else’s excuses? (The same, I imagine.)

But yeah, Kim is extremely rich. Hasn’t got the sense God gave her, but she’s got money to make up for it, I suppose…

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